Monday, January 30, 2012

FINALLY....getting it together... I think.

So here I sit, staring at another blank screen trying to figure out what to write. Music playing and singing along (because when am I not?) and trying to draw some inspiration. Lately I have been feeling a little discombobulated....a bit all over the place and dislocated in a way. Doctor visits and homework, class and kids commitments, still hurting but not quite so badly the last couple days...but still not able to exercise. I have let the close eye I keep on my food to become a little lazy and though I don't THINK I have gained any weight, I'm expecting that I have. I have felt, to be completely honest, a little defeated the last couple of days and just plain lazy about it all. And you know what?!? THAT IS OK.

I'm allowed to have times where I just don't want to do the work. I don't want to take the time to think of me and take care of me because I hate feeling like a burden on anyone else (Ben and the kids) or like I'm some sort of pessimistic complainer...which by nature I am not. But I can be honest that I just haven't kept track of my food because I just didn't feel like it. At least I own that. If the scale is up, at least I know why and don't kid myself into thinking it is muscle gain. lol So I was a little down and depressed and unmotivated this last where do I stand today?

Trying to get it back together. We have had a few set backs along the way, food and I....but I'm taking control again this week and getting back on track. There is NO way I'm going through ANOTHER summer feeling like a beached whale. Even if I don't look like one, I REFUSE to feel like one. That is one thing I know. Where to start....well since I can't workout (not like I want to anyway) I am going to start with maybe finding some Pilates exercises I can do at home without any special equipment. My Spinal Specialist (who is from CA by the way) suggest Pilates (oddly my mother did about 2 days before he did as well) as a means to strengthen my core muscles and hopefully stabilize the shifting of my spine a bit more...which in turn could keep me from needing any kind of surgery for a long time. :)

I'm optimistic about my progress in diet and health.....

Emotionally I have been trying to be really honest with myself and I feel, how they treat me, how I treat me....all those lovely things we try to sugar coat for the benefit of others or to just avoid confrontation. To be honest, I have always had a hard time with that fine you lie to save the feelings of another? Or do you lay it out on the line, honestly, as gently as you can, but with no malice and risk bruising their ego or hurting feelings? Usually I just choose option 3, to smile and just say ok or agree or politely try to bow out of a situation or conversation. Some who know me might find that difficult to believe...but it is honestly true. Usually I only state my mind when I am backed into a corner and left with no other option. Over the last couple years that is something I have worked on overcoming. I will never be a mean person.... I never have been.

It is so frustrating at times. I see through so many people now that I have dealt with people and their little facade. Now I realize that no one is perfect...and I for one am FAR from perfect, however, I usually can tell if someone is full of crap pretty quickly. I know far more about subjects that one would assume I don' when you try to sound like some sort of expert and you really have no idea what you are talking about, I can usually tell.... I just choose not to point it out. I figure if you are going to go to all the trouble of sounding like a moron, I'm just going to let you make the ass of yourself, you obviously don't need me to point out that you are one. :)

I have always been a girl with a lot of "friends"....friendly acquaintances if you will. People like me, are friendly towards me....generally face to face mostly. Sometimes they invite me out, or include me in their plans or random forwards on FB or email....but I only have a few very close friends who I know I can talk to. Looking back on my life I can honestly say that I tend to have one or two real friends at a given time. Not because I am unable to "share" my friends or because I just can't handle friendships. It is because people tend to be two faced...well girls do anyway. In general, girls have always made me feel like I didn't quite belong. No matter how hard I tried as a kid, the "popular" girls didn't seem to like me. I wasn't "one of them"...and it always left me feeling a little sad and a bit like there was something wrong with me.

I would love to say that this all changes when you get doesn't. Girls are still mean...they still talk about you behind your back....they still make everything a "competition". Sadly I learned the hard way, many many times in my life, that it doesn't matter how nice, sweet, loyal, giving, forgiving, understanding and accommodating  you are, people will still talk about you, cause drama around you, tell people you are terrible and turn others against you.....if it in someway will "benefit" them. However, this isn't ALWAYS the case. I have been lucky enough to have some really great girlfriends in my adult years. It wasn't until I was in my 20's that I finally had that "group of girlfriends" that could all get together, have a great time, laugh, joke, sing at the top of our lungs, be silly and support each backstabbing, no two faced comments...none of that. I had only had that with one or two girlfriends at a given time growing up and I longed for that connection that it seemed everyone else had with a group of girls. When I moved, it was hard on me.

One of my girlfriends moved to Colorado, one to Kansas, I went to Ohio and everyone else stayed in California. :( I miss them.....the late night pizza and karaoke, the random trips to LA with the kids, plays, BBQ's.....Movie nights.....I miss it all. I have lived in Ohio for 2 1/2 years now....and what took me 24 years to find in CA I am now struggling to find here. Don't get me wrong, I have met some wonderful people, made some friends I know I will have for the rest of my life (or at least many many years)...but I still feel like I don't belong. Not because it is Ohio and not California, but because I don't have the friendships I had in CA. Those emotional connections we need as women, to balance us out. There is something about the support of other women that nothing else can give you. My husband is great, he is my best friend in every way....but he isn't a woman. He doesn't understand some of my womanly quirks.

I am searching....trying to find that 'BFF" here in Ohio....and I have recently made a few new "friendly acquaintances" that I am hoping will grow into some lifelong friendships and maybe even my "Ohio Best Friend". I know that nothing and no one can replace the unique chemistry and dynamics that are my "Girls" back home (and in CO and KS now)....but things might not be so "lonely" in my kid-free and husband-free times if I had a place I "belong". Maybe that is why I dive headfirst into give me something else to do. lol

Anyway, I'm happy which how far I have come in my life. Growing up didn't REALLY happen for me until I found myself 24 years old, a single mom of 2, working full time and going to school. It was THEN that my priorities got shifted and I learned what it meant to be an adult, a mom, a daughter, a sister and a friend. All the terrible experiences I have had over the years, I am not blind to the good though. The good certainly outweighs the bad. I have never let these bad things or experiences with people turn me into a bitter, angry, mean and vindictive person (note I have kept specifics out so that even those who know these people might not know who I'm referring to).

So, I'm getting it together....FINALLY... I think. Pulling together the desires of my heart and my aspirations...physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.....and finding where I fit by rediscovering me. :)

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