She suggested recently that I post some photos. Now my mom is a photographer...and a darn good one at that. She was my mentor when I was young and just getting started and my biggest encourager when I decided to continue on my path with photography. She drove me to L.A. for countless calls and indulged my every desire to perform, be on stage and in front of a camera. My mom will admit, and probably be the first to say that my life has been greatly captured on film of many types, and that I have always been a ham.
But this suggestion of posting photos of myself and my progress left me anxious, insecure and quite frankly, scared sick. I've always been photogenic....but this last summer I realized something. My weight has gotten to a point where, I would much rather be behind my camera and not in front of it....ever.
My wonderful husband and I went on a cruise this summer...we had a great time. One of my best friends was able to go with us and we made some life long friends on our trip. We saw exotic locations, met friendly people, sang in the piano bar and danced the night away and soaked up the sun on the deck. I took tons of photos....but I don't like ANY of the ones taken of me. I just look at them and think....wow, I really look like that....I'm huge. I had fun, and it is obvious in my photos that I had a great time....but it is also painfully obvious that in many images I'm uncomfortable with myself.
We also are lucky enough to travel across the country and visit all my family and friends in California every year. We go to the beach and enjoy the sand and sun (though I hide under the umbrella for fear of a sunburn) every chance we get. It was on one of these days that Ben, my husband, took a photo of a gas station sign to send home to Ohio to show the price difference....he likes to show everyone that our prices in Ohio could always be higher! (We also take photos along the drive to California of all the SUPER cheap prices for fuel we pay too.) But when he took this photo (I think it was over $4 a gal at that point....ON the beach...in Laguna Beach) my backside was in the photo....NOT a flattering angle for just about ANYONE. When I saw that photo I was horribly sick to my stomach. I begged him to take it down....PLEADED with him not to post that to Facebook for all the world to see and scrutinize.
The idea of posting ANY photos of me...until I lose some of the weight, is terrifying. Then again, the whole point of this blog is to be honest with myself. To really let myself work through the horrible days and the wonderful ones...right? Why should I be so worried about a photo that shows how heavy I am, when the rest of the world can see what I look like from behind anyway? People see me every day....why are we so afraid of a photo? Is it because it makes it REAL for us? Is it because putting it up on Facebook, or on a blog is an admission of what the world sees and not what we WANT them to see?
I can tell myself I'm not that fat all I want to. I can tell myself that I look OK in what I have on, that I'm a little overweight I'm working on it. But I'm still overweight, I look terrible from behind, my face has lost its natural shape and has started to look less like ME. THAT is my reality. So I will post a photo....this is me...taken this last summer. I'm not sure EXACTLY what I weigh....but I'm pretty sure that I weigh close to what I weighed by the end of the summer when I started back on WW in August. So probably close to 237 lbs.