Tuesday, February 26, 2013

So I'm back.....now what?!?

Ok so after some time away from this blog, 2 surgeries, 3 pounds lost, 3 pounds gained, 2 lost, 1 gained.....etc...I am back. Now what do I do?!? I stopped attending meetings for my WW for a couple of reasons. I usually do so much better going to meetings, but the cost adds up and I also pay for the online version because I'm ALWAYS at my computer. So I'm trying to go about it from the Online perspective now. I know a lot of people are successful that way, but it is like doing college online, you really have to rely on yourself to be your motivator, your confidant, your support system etc. My husband is very supportive don't get me wrong, but he doesn't have a weight problem, nor has he ever, so he can't understand what it is like to go from being thin and having a great figure to suddenly feeling like you are trapped in a circus tent....a folded, squishy, wrinkled (stretchmarks are lovely aren't they) circus tent. It is hard to hide excessive weight gain....but it is even harder for people to see a 30 pound loss when you still have 95 to lose. Needless to say I'm feeling a bit discouraged at the moment. After the first surgery I lost 3 pounds. Only being able to eat yogurt and pureed soup kinda does that to you. But the second surgery was not so bad in the recovery department and I only had to eat that way a few days rather than 2 weeks. I have been tracking what I'm eating and honestly, it isn't that much. Being the only gluten free person in my house makes for some pretty boring meals for me sometimes, especially since I have a full load at school and my kids have full loads with extracurricular activities. But I digress.

I'm back and back on track....but I can't help but feel the discouragement of having 2-3 pounds going up and down on the scale no matter what I do. Nothing is worse than hovering over a big milestone in your journey and watching the scale take you farther from that milestone and then back again....torturing you and teasing you that you aren't there yet. It is beyond frustrating. It is even more discouraging when you have people in your life who are more focused on themselves and their success to really offer any kind of support in yours. This is really difficult for me to fathom sometimes. When I was successful the first time around, in 2007, I went out of my way to make sure that my friends felt that I was supportive and that I wasn't in any way gloating about my success...yet it seems so often that is what people do to me. I am happy that they are successful, I know all too well the difficult journey they have traveled to get to that point, I am proud of them, I am happy for them and I do all I can to continue that encouragement because I know they need to hear it too, just as much as I do. Again....I digress.

So where do I go from here?!? I pick myself up by my bootlaces and hit the road again that's what. It isn't easy, no. I will put on the happy face and trudge forward trying to remain positive in all I do. The truth is, it is hard. This journey is HARD. Yes I have lost 30 pounds so far....in a year and a half. It took me a year to lose 53 pounds last time...in 2007. I am discouraged, I am frustrated, I am struggling.....but I am going. So, now what?!? Now I reiterate my new year resolution...I am not a number on a scale, I am not my loss or my gain. My success is not measured by the speed of my loss or by anyone else's. I will not beat myself up for a plateau, or for a little gain. I will just keep going...and EVENTUALLY I will get there. EVENTUALLY I will look back and see how far I came and know that I stuck to it and that no matter what the scale said at what given point, I was a success.

"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch"