Saturday, June 23, 2012

A lesson to be learned...

Today's blog is about lessons. Sometimes the road we set out on to find ourselves, get healthy, change a bad habit, be happier, live a more fulfilling life (whatever your goals are) turns out to be different than the one we end up on. We have to learn to be flexible to those changes in that road that lead us down a different path.

I set out on this journey with the goal of a half marathon this year. Clearly my health and my doctors had a different plan for me. So my path changed. I still plan on completing a half marathon, it just probably won't be this year. My goal this year is now to get healthy once and for all, to better my mindset and to get myself ready for that OTHER complete the half marathon. :)

This entry is also about being patient. I have learned in my life that nothing happens immediately, that we have to be patient for the changes to happen. At the same time though, we have to learn to be patient with ourselves. We will fail now and then, and though we FEEL like a failure we have to view these moments as character shaping obstacles, whittling away the rough edges and smoothing us out to "perfection". It takes us time to reform good habits, to let go of the pain and regret, to look to the future and recognize the beauty in our personal triumphs.

You have to learn to be your own advocate, to fight for what your body needs, to look at your life and try new things to figure out what is going on in yourself that could aid in your success. Learning to step outside of your comfort zone can open a whole new world you didn't know existed. It opens your heart, your eyes and your mind to the possibilities and a whole new adventure.

To get away from medications I have taken my health into my own hands. Now don't get me wrong, I am still seeing my doctors, I still take certain medications (for now anyway) but I'm changing my relationship with wheat in particular. After much consideration and reading I have decided to try to go gluten-free. This isn't for everyone, as a matter of fact no one else in my family (at this juncture) is doing this with me. Wheat is a known contributor to inflammation in the body and having arthritis in most of my body (including my spine, feet, shoulders, elbows and hands) reducing my wheat intake, as I did at the start of the year, greatly benefits me. In addition to this fact, gluten can also contribute to headaches, bloating, constipation, diarrhea, dry skin, skin rashes, increased fatigue and weight loss/weight gain. I had watched a program that was talking about Celiac's and gluten sensitivities and suddenly it all made sense. This could very well be what is making me sick. So I have embarked on this NEW journey of going gluten free, in the hopes that it might be the "simple" solution for my health to get back on track.

My path has taken a turn, but the ultimate goal still remains the same. To find "me" in the middle of all this. To "fix' the areas of my life I want to fix. To be the best "me" I can, the healthiest, the happiest I can possibly be. I am learning to be patient, to be honest, to be flexible when the journey changes or I have a detour.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Getting back on waggon....when failure seems inevitable

This has been a long time coming. I have been gone from my blog, I would like to say because of various life circumstances, but that would not be entirely true. Yes, it is true that I have had some health issues, resulting in limited ability to do much, but the truth is that I managed to get out to class. My health didn't allow for any exercise was out. The REAL reason why I have been absent from my blog though is because I didn't want to be honest and forthcoming with how much of a failure I feel like I am. I have gained and lost the same 8 pounds over and over again. We all have those times I know...but it is hard to feel motivated and like you can and will succeed when no matter what you seem to do you can't lose much weight.

I feel like I failed. I feel like I'm powerless. It isn't that I over eat exactly. I eat 3 times a day...if that. The issue for me is that I have fallen into that terrible cycle that so many of us fall into. That circle of depression-guilt-motivation-failure-guilt-depression.....and on and on and on. So obviously I just end up feeling like what is the point? All the books  and articles I read about PCOS basically say that weight is an issue for us all. So I end up feeling like I might as well get used to be fat and feeling hideous for the rest of my the skin you are in....or in my case just deal with it. I don't want to just "deal with it". I don't want to just "accept it". How can I be content with feeling ugly and disgusting because of the "skin" I'm in?

It is a dilemma so many of us find ourselves in. We want to feel secure and happy with the person we are, and to accept our bodies are merely vessels and not WHO we are. But the honest truth of it all is that the outside appearance does matter. We judge ourselves by it....and as much as we don't want to admit it, others judge us by it too. Studies have been done, where they take  a group of people, of all shapes and sizes and then they state what their first impressions are on the other people. Regardless of if a person is overweight or thin, they listed the thin people as "attractive, active, successful, energetic.....etc" and they listed the overweight people as "unattractive, lazy, failures, unmotivated....etc". Forget the fact that some of them were overweight themselves. I know many people who are very active and yet are a little overweight.

We all have things we don't succeed at....the hardest part is that when you are struggling with your weight EVERYONE sees your failures. As if it isn't hard enough to deal with your failures on your own, in your own head and heart....everyone else can see that you are losing the battle, and you can feel their scrutiny. I hate it when people who either don't have a weight issue or who are ok with their size tell you that people judging you is all in your head or to just not worry what others think. Try living every day with people inspecting you, judging you, giving you funny looks, and whispering. You hear see them looking at you and laughing....they aren't as discreet as they think they are. It hurts, it is hard to deal with...but those who are overweight are supposed to just smile, laugh it off and move on. We are supposed to act like it doesn't hurt. But the honest truth is we are shunned, mocked and judged.

I hate that though. Society goes to great lengths to shame you for struggling with your weight, for having medical conditions that make you gain weight or make it difficult to lose weight. You are shamed for being depressed and told to just suck it up, get over and be happy, just "lose weight". They tell you that when you really want it you will go for isn't always about wanting it bad enough, it is also about having support to do it, the tools to do it, the strength to do it. I have the support, the will, the desire, the tools....I think I just don't have the strength to fight anymore with the failure looming over me. Maybe that is the issue, I expect to fail now because all I have done is fail even though I have tried and worked for it with no success.

It is so hard not to feel like "maybe I should just stop eating altogether" because I know that won't work either.....nothing seems to. I can eat 1500 calories or I can eat 800 in a day... I gain and lose the same 8 pounds. I can cut out bread, or sugar, or soda pop, or meat.....I lose and gain the same 8 pounds. I can exercise, or not....I seem to gain and lose the same 8 pounds. But every time I feel completely defeated, and I want to give up...and just accept that I'm not ever going to be beautiful and thin again, I do a 180 and suddenly feel like "I can do this" and I dive head first again.

It is a never ending circle. I want to get off the cycle....I'm trying....but it is hard to remain motivated when you constantly feel like a failure.