Monday, June 11, 2012

Getting back on waggon....when failure seems inevitable

This has been a long time coming. I have been gone from my blog, I would like to say because of various life circumstances, but that would not be entirely true. Yes, it is true that I have had some health issues, resulting in limited ability to do much, but the truth is that I managed to get out to class. My health didn't allow for any exercise was out. The REAL reason why I have been absent from my blog though is because I didn't want to be honest and forthcoming with how much of a failure I feel like I am. I have gained and lost the same 8 pounds over and over again. We all have those times I know...but it is hard to feel motivated and like you can and will succeed when no matter what you seem to do you can't lose much weight.

I feel like I failed. I feel like I'm powerless. It isn't that I over eat exactly. I eat 3 times a day...if that. The issue for me is that I have fallen into that terrible cycle that so many of us fall into. That circle of depression-guilt-motivation-failure-guilt-depression.....and on and on and on. So obviously I just end up feeling like what is the point? All the books  and articles I read about PCOS basically say that weight is an issue for us all. So I end up feeling like I might as well get used to be fat and feeling hideous for the rest of my the skin you are in....or in my case just deal with it. I don't want to just "deal with it". I don't want to just "accept it". How can I be content with feeling ugly and disgusting because of the "skin" I'm in?

It is a dilemma so many of us find ourselves in. We want to feel secure and happy with the person we are, and to accept our bodies are merely vessels and not WHO we are. But the honest truth of it all is that the outside appearance does matter. We judge ourselves by it....and as much as we don't want to admit it, others judge us by it too. Studies have been done, where they take  a group of people, of all shapes and sizes and then they state what their first impressions are on the other people. Regardless of if a person is overweight or thin, they listed the thin people as "attractive, active, successful, energetic.....etc" and they listed the overweight people as "unattractive, lazy, failures, unmotivated....etc". Forget the fact that some of them were overweight themselves. I know many people who are very active and yet are a little overweight.

We all have things we don't succeed at....the hardest part is that when you are struggling with your weight EVERYONE sees your failures. As if it isn't hard enough to deal with your failures on your own, in your own head and heart....everyone else can see that you are losing the battle, and you can feel their scrutiny. I hate it when people who either don't have a weight issue or who are ok with their size tell you that people judging you is all in your head or to just not worry what others think. Try living every day with people inspecting you, judging you, giving you funny looks, and whispering. You hear see them looking at you and laughing....they aren't as discreet as they think they are. It hurts, it is hard to deal with...but those who are overweight are supposed to just smile, laugh it off and move on. We are supposed to act like it doesn't hurt. But the honest truth is we are shunned, mocked and judged.

I hate that though. Society goes to great lengths to shame you for struggling with your weight, for having medical conditions that make you gain weight or make it difficult to lose weight. You are shamed for being depressed and told to just suck it up, get over and be happy, just "lose weight". They tell you that when you really want it you will go for isn't always about wanting it bad enough, it is also about having support to do it, the tools to do it, the strength to do it. I have the support, the will, the desire, the tools....I think I just don't have the strength to fight anymore with the failure looming over me. Maybe that is the issue, I expect to fail now because all I have done is fail even though I have tried and worked for it with no success.

It is so hard not to feel like "maybe I should just stop eating altogether" because I know that won't work either.....nothing seems to. I can eat 1500 calories or I can eat 800 in a day... I gain and lose the same 8 pounds. I can cut out bread, or sugar, or soda pop, or meat.....I lose and gain the same 8 pounds. I can exercise, or not....I seem to gain and lose the same 8 pounds. But every time I feel completely defeated, and I want to give up...and just accept that I'm not ever going to be beautiful and thin again, I do a 180 and suddenly feel like "I can do this" and I dive head first again.

It is a never ending circle. I want to get off the cycle....I'm trying....but it is hard to remain motivated when you constantly feel like a failure.


  1. the thing is, no one can make you feel what you don't want to. you're allowing the stares and judgements to color your own feelings towards yourself.
    i was always chubby, but when i was pregnant with merlyn i got fat. and i stayed fat. for a couple years i tried so hard to lose the weight, for all the reasons you have, but mostly for my health. i lost, gained, ad nauseam, the never ending depressive cycle. i was obsessed. i realized that wasn't who i wanted to be. i got to the point where i had to accept that i'm fat. and i'm ok with it. sometimes i don't like it but i do what i can to maintain a fairly healthy life, and that's really all we can do.
    i can honestly say if you feel ugly and disgusting when you look at yourself, you might need some counseling. love ya em.


  2. It is more about my life at this point. If I don't lose the weight my life as I know it will be over. I'm not completely inactive, but I'm not as active as I would like to be. It is that terrible feel like the fat chick kidding herself in trying to be who am I really kidding here. you know? The depression is my biggest enemy. I probably need to be back on medication for that (yet another medication) but I'm fearful of the weight it makes me gain.

  3. there's happy meds that won't make you gain. just might have to try a few before you find the one that works.
    you're not inactive because you're overweight hon, from everything i've heard or read, any inactivity is from PAIN. i remember you said something about having to lose a certain amount before they would consider doing a procedure on you? was that right? tell the doctor that you've been trying and you feel like you can't make that goal on your own, how can they help you, and you're feeling really depressed about it, get on that happy med situation NOW because no matter what that will help you from sinking down so low you feel like a failure or that you can't keep trying. you're NOT a failure. you have challenges that are beyond your control. but you are beautiful no matter what size you are, you truly are and i really hope that you start telling yourself that morning noon and night.