Monday, April 30, 2012

The disconnect.....

We all have that disconnect between the self we see, the self others perceive and the self we feel. Sometimes the difference is truly great and it seems an impossible feat to find the middle ground and the way to see and show the self we feel. For some people, looking in the mirror is easy, for others it is torture. There are some people to begin to find every single flaw and pick it all apart. For those people, getting dressed, doing their hair, putting on make up  all feel like a pointless endeavor. It doesn't mean that they don't try, but they do feel like it is not going to help. These people are often the last ones you might expect.

My disconnect is quite large. The self I feel inside is not exactly the self I allow the rest of the world to see. It isn't just about size, though I will admit that is a part of it. Those of us who have not always had an issue with weight have a large disconnect between the "us" we feel and the "us" in the mirror. The issue for me in this regard is that I see one thing, others see another, and the mirror shows another. :( My point isn't to be "down" on myself, or to fish for just honestly is how I see myself.

My friends will tell me I'm pretty and I'm talented, but it is much different when my husband says it. It is a different matter altogether when you look in the mirror and think "My goodness what are they smoking?!?" It sounds funny, I know...but I just don't see myself as pretty. Now I don't see myself as ugly per se, but I certainly don't think I'm anything special in the appearance department. When I look in the mirror I see someone who is plain, ordinary and overweight...I just assume at that point that the people who tell me otherwise are just trying to make me feel better, but that it isn't really true.

I say this because my blog is about being honest with myself...and "you"...with the harsh reality of what goes on in the mind of someone who is struggling with something....and trying to find themselves again. We ALL feel this way about ourselves, at one point or another in the least. We are ALL a work in progress and we are ALL learning what our strengths and weaknesses are. One of my weaknesses is certainly my self esteem. (As I established in my very first post!) When I "fail" or have a "set back" on the scale, I feel it...not just in the sense that I feel like I let myself down, not just in the way that I feel ashamed at the failure. When I "fail" I beat myself up. That voice in my head tells me that I will never gain control, I will be fat and disgusting and ugly forever, and that eventually everyone I love will realize this about me too. True or not, it is how my "inner voice" works. I emotionally abuse myself to the point that I feel that eating is pointless....and the depression sets in.

Emotional abuse is painful when inflicted upon you by someone you love, but I think it does far more damage when you do it to yourself. The words are not spoken out of hurt or anger, they are "spoken" out of shame and guilt of failure....a double edged sword that cuts deeply into your inner psyche. It is a cycle of self destruction that I have been battling most of my adult life. It is a war I am determined to not lose. I honestly believe that realizing the cycle and it's detriment is the first step to overcoming the pattern.

My goal is to find the little successes in my life and in myself. I want to find joy in that. I want to encourage others to not let the evil voice inside them tell them they aren't worthy of love. Don't wait to be "perfect" in your own eyes, you could already be perfect for someone else.

It is about loving yourself, in spite of all your flaws...those around you already do.
It is about finding beauty in yourself when the disconnect feels too great to do so.
It is about overcoming the obstacles we place in front of ourselves.
It is about proving to OURSELVES that WE are wrong about us...not about proving others right.

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