tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79493032128281660262024-03-13T06:23:28.648-07:00Uphill: Finding EmyleeI've spent years struggling to regain control of my life and rediscover who I am. Hiking has always been something I love to do. Following major life changes, altering surgeries and weight gain, I'm setting out on an adventure to not only regain control but also to rediscover who I am inside. Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.comBlogger63125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-17728307682220616602017-06-09T08:45:00.001-07:002017-06-09T08:45:27.197-07:00The Dead Shall Rise<p dir="ltr">I am not invincible. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I've been away far too long. </p>
<p dir="ltr">The journey is never ending for me.</p>
<p dir="ltr">The peaks and valleys of my battle for control and balance have been many and I have been feeling discouraged, but I'm back. </p>
<p dir="ltr">My goals are mostly the same as they have always been. I'm learning to take care of myself, that it is ok to say "no" sometimes and that I have to make myself a priority too. It's a learning process.</p>
Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-26776091013446504792016-11-26T11:43:00.000-08:002016-11-26T11:43:07.882-08:00Falling Back In Line...So a lot has happened since my last post. My reduction has healed nicely, I'm back at all the normal things in life and loving that I am no longer hindered by the weight of my chest.<br />
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Even bigger things have happened since my last post though.<br />
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I went on an adventure with two girl friends from college. At the age of 38, after a spinal fusion surgery in 2013, a hysterectomy in 2014, college graduation in 2015, a breast reduction in July 2016 followed by an emergency appendectomy 6 weeks later (yeah I had that too), I strapped a 15 pound, 65 Liter backpack to my back, loaded with everything I believed I would need and headed to Ireland and Scotland with two of the most wonderful ladies I am blessed to call my friends...who are also 15 years younger than I am.<br />
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If you would like to catch up on the details of that adventure, you can follow our blog at <a href="http://voyagerspenblog.wordpress.com/">voyagerspenblog.wordpress.com</a> Once there, you can also find a tab called "Individual Posts" and scroll to the bottom and find my personal writings from the trip if you like. <br />
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A lot can be said about loading the essentials of life, or those you view as essential, and setting out to experience a world you have never touched. You very quickly realize what things you do not need to survive or enjoy your journey, the value of a clean hot shower and the importance of a comfortable pair of shoes.<br />
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I learned that I spend far too much time in my head, and not enough time diving into the depths of my soul and allowing myself to just BE. There is something about living simply, not staying in one place and finding yourself in the journey. It was an adventure, to say the least, to travel with people I've never traveled with before. Three women, each opinionated and emotional, stuck together for 25 days is pretty much a guarantee for drama, bickering and hurt feelings. However, this is also a way to strengthen a friendship, learn where your own shortcomings are and to grow into an even better friend to those you value. Even someone who works hard to be considerate and flexible can learn that they are more selfish than they thought, I know I learned that about myself along the way.<br />
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I think that the things that I learned most about myself through these 25 days was that my body is stronger than I have been led to be believe. With all the surgeries, the health issues and my extreme difficulty in losing weight, I have come to look at myself and my body with this sort of depressed pity. It is how I have come to believe the outside world views me. I know that in some cases this is a very real opinion of me. I especially saw it in eyes of strangers as they watched me, not my younger, thinner companions, lift and strap on a heavy backpack to walk the next mile or so from a train to the next destination. These people did not know the incredible journey my body has already been on leading up to this trip. They just see an overweight woman, older than those she travels with and they assume I'm struggling to keep up. What they don't know is that I was not winded, I was not weak by the end of the day or by reaching our hostel. Instead I dropped my pack, moved some things to my day bag, retied my shoes and walked several miles more to excitedly experience this once in a lifetime opportunity.<br />
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I am stronger than I believe.<br />
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I didn't come back 30 pounds lighter. I came back 2 pounds heavier. By the end of my trip, my pack weighed over 30 pounds. My day bag, a smaller backpack I carried on my arm while wearing my fully loaded larger backpack I came to call "Dumbo", was loaded with 10 pounds of stuff as well, including my camera, lens, tablet and my beloved Nana's ashes. In all I carried close to 50 pounds on my body while also carrying my own body weight (which we all know is no less than 200 pounds as that has been my constant weight range for the last several years).<br />
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That said, I took nearly 350,000 steps. I did things I never thought I'd be able to do again.....and then I pushed myself even farther past that point and did more. I challenged myself to be away from my husband and kids for nearly a month and to allow myself to not be the wife or the mother, but to be just the writer, the wanderer, vagabond, gypsy and photographer that I am at my core.<br />
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I wholeheartedly believe that I have found that my direction is to have no specific direction at all. I have to silence the voices in my head that tell me I'm not enough, that I'm a spectacle...like the "fat guy in the little coat" trying to squeeze my oversized being into a size and shape I'm not worthy to hold. I don't have to make myself fit into the space provided to me. I can and must just...go. Go where the world fades away and I stop caring what others think, where the voices fall silent in my head and all I hear are the sounds of my heartbeat and the breath in my lungs. Where all I see is the beauty that surrounds me, the smile and the companionship of those who believe in me and value what my body can do and challenge me to push it beyond those limits.<br />
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So now that I'm home, I'm back at my regular job....but my spirit still wants to be roaming. I don't want to become comfortable, just staying put and not breathing in the exotic spices that float on the air in far off places or touching the earth in places I have seen in my dreams. I'm already daydreaming about the next adventure. I don't know where it will be, when it will be or how I'm going to get there....but I know I'm going, I must.<br />
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But for now, I'm looking at graduate school programs, trying to find something to occupy my mind and ease my restlessness.<br />
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For now, I'm just falling back in line. Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-68068393725625251992016-08-04T12:20:00.000-07:002016-08-04T12:20:01.533-07:00An Update: Slow and Steady - One week post-opThe first week was difficult, to say the least.<br />
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I am thinking any time they deconstruct your breast, removing the nipple completely and reattaching it. "difficult" is the perfect description for what you are about to feel once the full range of anesthesia wears off. The fact that a breast reduction (with a built in lift) is performed in an outpatient setting is extraordinary. However, my surgeon took 4.5 - 5 hours to complete a surgery that they normally do in 3.5 hours. She does this to ensure that she takes her time to give the best possible shape and outcome.<br />
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They sent me home, bandaged and packed into a surgical bra. Immediately I felt smaller, which was the goal after all. HA HA. There was a ton of swelling, so it would be impossible to really know my new body shape and new breast size. Over the first couple days I mainly slept off the lingering anesthesia. For me this always last several days to a week, depending on how long I was under general anesthesia to begin with. With my back surgery, after being under for 9 hours, I was groggy for the full week that I was in the hospital and then for another week/week and a half when I got home. So it was no surprise to myself or my family that I basically slept the first 5 days after getting home this time.<br />
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They did some liposuction under my arms as well, to get rid of that annoying little chicken cutlet fat pocket between the arm and breast that just about every woman gets. Only my doctor decided that she was going to smooth out just under my arm, along my sides just a bit more to minimize the bra bulge that we women get from wearing bras, which can migrate the fat and tissue from our breasts into the underarm area. (WOOT WOOT) This was nice of her...but I have to say the bruising from that liposuction was far more painful in the first 5 days than the reconstructed breasts themselves. This is probably due to the fact that the nerves in my breasts have been severed and reattached. The swelling and numbness has been incredible. It is almost as if my breasts aren't mine.<br />
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There has been one minor red flag, though it was a short lived one. My left breast was having some difficulty in eliminating the fluid that collects in the area during the healing process. This caused the tissue directly under the incision on the bottom (the "anchor") to swell out. This caused the breast to appear as if it had been cut, an inch from the base, and sewn back on an inch off center. However, once I started back on ibuprofen for pain, instead of Percocet, the swelling began to go down. By the next morning, the bulge was noticeably smaller. Now, three days later, the fluid is almost fully eliminated and I am starting to have more natural looking (as well as even) breasts. This fluid retention is common and is often the reason why drains are used. <br />
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The healing process has been a steady one. Slowly, the sensation has returned, for the most part, to my breasts as a whole. Sometimes the tissue, especially the nipples, will not have proper blood flow and will start to die. They said to watch for this in the nipples, as this tissue death will happen there first. However, I'm please to announce (be it awkwardly) that this has not been the case for me thus far and everything looks a nice and healthy pink shade, where the yellow, black and blue of the bruising hasn't settled that is.<br />
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I'm still limited in my activities. No bouncing at all....so no exercising yet. (Bummer.) No regular bras for at least another week. So I'm still wearing a surgical bra, though I did order a new one since the one they sent me home in was too big to begin with, and once the swelling started to dissipate it didn't do anything to help with the compression necessary for fluid absorption.This bra must be worn 24/7 for the first 2 weeks at least. <br />
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Sleeping has gotten more difficult, rather than easier. At first, sitting slightly upright is necessary and you must remain on your back. The first couple days, this isn't so much of an issue. Being on pain medication allows you to sleep fairly comfortably in one position all night. However, as the body starts to heal, you long to change positions and lay in your usual ways when sleeping. I'm a side and back sleeper, but I can't sleep the way I'm comfortable because I have to lay on my back, propped up still, in order to avoid pressure on the incisions.<br />
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I watched a lot of YouTube videos in the time leading up to my surgery, and I found a lot of great insights to the recovery process. However, there were a lot of things that I feel weren't mentioned by people. So, I'm going to give you some of the things that I noticed in this first week.<br />
<ol style="text-align: left;">
<li> <b>You can't lift your arms.</b> - You aren't allowed to lift your arms so that your elbows raise higher than your shoulders. This means, no getting a glass from the cabinet, no driving, no showering yourself, no styling your own hair, no getting yourself dressed...etc. </li>
<li><b>You will not want to go anywhere</b>. - Seriously. You won't want to go anywhere while you are only able to wear the surgical bra. At least not for the first few days. </li>
<li><b>Your breasts will not be the only things swollen</b>. - Your abdomen will likely be swollen, as will your legs and arms and much of the rest of your body. You can be so swollen that your body feels like a water balloon, with the skin so taut that it feels hard when pressed. It will take up to a week for this swelling to go down enough that you can squeeze into anything other than yoga pants. Just drink tons of water and wait for it to flush out of your system. </li>
<li><b>Your stomach will suddenly look pudgy/pudgier than it did before. - </b>Even after the swelling has gone down and you have returned to a more normal size, you will feel like the stay-puft marshmallow man. Your breasts used to hold your shirts out and away from your body more, creating a tenting effect that obscured your midsection. This tenting is greatly diminished, even with the remaining swelling a week later. Give yourself time, don't be too hard on your body. It will take time to get used to the new shape and you won't be able to exercise for a while. So eat healthy foods, drink lots of water, be patient and BE KIND to yourself. </li>
</ol>
That's about all I can think of right now, I'll add more if I think of any. <br />
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Overall, I'm excited to see what it is all going to end up looking like. I'm anxious to return to "normal life" with work and all, but I know I have to give my body the time it truly needs to heal. I'm on day one of week two post-op, so I'm looking forward to what this week will hold for me and my new boobs.<br />
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On a side note, I named them this week. The right one, I call "Frank" and the left is called "Stein"....so at least for now they are "Frank & Stein". LOL In time I'm sure this change...but it works for now. :-)Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-71734835295616983852016-07-22T19:54:00.001-07:002016-07-22T19:54:28.164-07:00A Life Changing ChoiceI debated about whether or not to write this post, not because it is particularly controversial or outrageous but because I have found that people have one of two reactions. Either they are shocked and ask why I would, or they have a comment about waiting this long to do it. Sadly, most are not as supportive as I would have hoped. Truthfully though, this journey has been to be my best self, to love myself and to take care of myself. I do not do the things I choose to please anyone but myself. I do it to improve my life and my happiness, which in turn allows me to give even more time and energy to those who matter, my family and friends. The goal is to be honest with my struggles, not just successes.<br />
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After years of dealing with back pain, headaches, shoulder pain and numbness, along with difficulty exercising, driving, standing and walking for long periods, shopping or clothing and even sleeping, I have decided to remedy this situation.<br />
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I have decided to get a breast reduction.<br />
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I have considered it for about 20 years. Debated back and forth if I should take that step, and each time I got close to a choice, I chickened out. Not because I'm afraid of surgery but because of the reactions I get at the idea of having smaller breasts. Most people think I'm crazy for doing it, either because they don't think I look all that large, or because they think it would be awesome to have such a large bust.<br />
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I developed relatively early. I was about 12 when I started needing a bra. Not terribly uncommon, I don't think. However, I differed in that I went from barely needing a bra to a 30 D/DD by the time I was 13. This trend didn't end for me. At the age of 18, I could no longer buy bras in any "regular" shop and took to finding the rare 30 G on a rack at Nordstroms. By the time my children were born, I thought that like most women, when I finished breastfeeding, my size would return to their previous size. They didn't. Each child took to me a larger size. Thank goodness I only had two kids, right? Over the years my weight began to fluctuate. Way up and then way down. And still my breasts only got bigger, never smaller. The band size would change, but weight loss or gain had no bearing on my bra size. Eventually, I grew to a size that was impossible to buy in a shop and I had to start ordering them. (This was around the age of 22.)<br />
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As you may know, I had spine surgery in 2013. My pain has continued and I have religiously seen spine specialists and my regular doctor. I've had countless MRIs and CTs, nerve tests and various methods of pain management. I had resolved myself to living with the constant pain and the self consciousness that comes with your breasts walking in the room 20 minutes before the rest of you.<br />
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Really, this is what has been the most taxing in my life. I was embarrassed by them at a young age and then I tried to embrace them and be proud of how God made me. But really they brought me the worst kind of attention. It warped my mind and self esteem. I started to see myself as only a pair of breasts. The keeper of the big boobs. I began to believe that my breasts were my only good physical quality, and so my identity began to wrap around this concept. I wanted to be liked for my personality, for my laughter and even for a pretty face (though I was never considered pretty by boys I liked). As my weight increased in my adult years, I could hide how large my breasts are, somewhat anyways. Everyone just assumes that they are large because I am fatter than I used to be. However the doctors have established (much to my dismay) that weight loss won't change their size.<br />
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And so, next week on Wednesday I am taking the leap. With my wonderfully supportive husband by my side, I'm going under the knife and reducing my 32P breasts to a D/DD. Still a large size for my 5'2", small boned frame but with still 50 pounds to lose, my surgeon feels that taking me smaller would leave me with barely any breasts once the weight is off.<br />
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I'm nervous. I'd be lying if I claimed otherwise. And yet I'm really excited. Finally I will be able to wear clothes that I only dreamed of being able to wear. Cute bras in normal shops will be an option for me again. I'll be able to exercise without a regular bra secured with 3-4 sports bras. Driving will no longer require my hands to be on the bottom of the steering wheel, or a seat belt that resides across my collar bone and throat instead of extending between my breasts across my body. Finally, a conversation can be had without feeling like the other person can look only at my chest. I will no longer look twice as wide as I am in photos, just because my breasts take up so much of the photo and my frame.<br />
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It will be a long recovery. To fully recover and for all swelling to go down, it could take up to a year. I will not be able to buy those cute bras, or even know my true size until around 6-8 weeks out at the earliest. It does mean 2-6 weeks out from work, but the idea of feeling like the world around me finally sees ME and I can look in the mirror and see more than just the keeper of the breasts, on top of all the physical changes and eased pain, seem all worth it. Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-29284408750411903572015-12-27T19:21:00.002-08:002015-12-27T19:21:46.040-08:00Let the training begin?--An update of sorts.Graduation is over, Christmas has passed and the New Year approaches.<br />
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It is time to get back on track to realizing my goals, and I have no idea where to start!<br />
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We don't have snow (yet) this winter, just a ton of rain. Thank goodness I have waterproof hiking boots to get out in the wet, muddy weather to start my training! Now, to just find a buddy who can train with me during the week when the hubby is working.<br />
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Still on the hunt for properly fitting workout wear, which as I posted previously is not easy because it seems like stores an manufacturers prefer to ignore the size 14/16 girls and concentrate on the svelte size 4s of the world. Sports bras are impossible in my band & cup size (I have to order my bras from Poland and even then they are custom made to my size) so my only choices include a regular bra under 3 "sport bras"....at least until I can hire someone to custom make a sport bra for me as well.<br />
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I've been diving into my AllTrails app, which I installed on my phone, to find new hiking places around me so that I can start challenging myself to do more difficult and longer treks.<br />
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I'm into the exciting part of setting a large goal. That euphoria that overwhelms you when you finally are able to make the time to focus on the goal and set real plans to achieve it. I don't want to be unprepared, but I'm afraid that I'll focus on a small piece and miss something huge.<br />
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And still......I make lists, plot maps and drool over gear I don't own....yet.Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-76358912602039437692015-08-24T10:04:00.001-07:002015-08-24T10:04:59.431-07:00I want to thru-hike...now what?It is exciting when you first set a massive goal. Deciding I want to thru-hike the three major trails in the USA brought some giddy excitement for me, like a kid on Christmas morning. I started pouring over websites on gear, creating "wish lists" and reading all sorts of "tips and tricks". I created countless boards on "Pinterest" and started squirreling away things I *needed* for hiking and camping the trails. I could fill a bookcase with books on Hiking and Backpacking that I want to read. Tips, tricks, "What I learned" and ideas that are geared to just women (or men for my husband, Ben).<br />
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I know that my goal is huge and right now it might seem impossible. Just a year and a half ago I was not able to dress, shower or cook for myself.<br />
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It is good to dream....so I dream big! One thing I have taken from all the "tips and tricks" I have been gathering is you have to "Plan, plan plan". But you have to find your starting point....one step at a time...right? So I'll start there....my feet.<br />
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The first piece of gear I worried about was my shoes. I LOVE shoes. I own far more than any one person needs, that is for sure. When I moved to Ohio in 2009, I only brought 2 pairs with me, leaving the rest of my beloved collection of heels, wedges and boots in a box in California. The joy I felt when my Mother shipped that box to me was so great that I unpacked my little gems and lined them up, took a photo and posted it to Facebook. However, my daily go to shoes consist of "flip flops" or Converse low tops. I exercise in my "chucks", take walks in them, spend all day at school in them and take short day hikes in them. I knew that they weren't going to cut it for what I was setting out to do, so the research began.<br />
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There are a lot of factors to consider when looking for proper hiking shoes.<br />
High Ankle, Mid or Low?<br />
Waterproof?<br />
Leather or Synthetic?<br />
What about snow? Insulated or Vented?<br />
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Now I have a small but wide food with a high arch. Shoes are hard to find, which is why I treasure every pair I have. A lot of work has gone into selecting comfortable shoes that I like. A lot of people will tell you that in selecting a hiking boot/shoe that you need to go for function, not fashion. While that is true, I can't get past the fact that I care what my shoes look like. I have to feel like they are cute (to me not everyone else), that they "go" with outfits I might wear on the trail and they cannot make my feet look huge. That might sound silly to some people, but I'm not exactly tall (5'2") and I don't like feeling like I have clown feet. I usually wear 6.5-7 (US Women).<br />
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After an exhaustive search, reading countless reviews I found two pairs of Mid-Ankle boots I liked.<br />
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The first pair I got were the <a href="http://www.danner.com/mountain-light-cascade.html">Danner Mountain Light Cascade</a> (size 7). The website and customer service suggested sizing down to the 6.5 however my fears of toe pinching kept me in the 7. Everyone has one foot that is larger than the other, and mine is also slightly wider. There were a few a "hot spots" as I broke in the boots last winter, but my feet were warm (we have sub-zero weather in Ohio), dry and I was able to remain stable on the icy walkways.<br />
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This Danner boot is leather, so it will form to your foot. They are adorable (I think) and remind me of the boots I wore as a kid. So when I heard Danner was bringing them back in honor of the movie <i>Wild </i>(which I have not yet seen) I just had to check the reviews of the new and "improved" boot! They do run a bit on the narrow side, even though the website says that they are made on a wide form. So if you have wide feet, I suggest going up that half size, just to be sure. They are not waterproof, but leather boots can be waterproofed at home. (When I do that, I will create a "how to" post.)<br />
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The second set of boots I bought were the<a href="http://www.keenfootwear.com/product/shoes/women/targhee-ii-mid"> Keen Targhee II Mid-Ankle</a> hiking boot (size 7). These boots run wide and were a great comfortable fit pretty much from the very first moment I had them on. They didn't slide, create any friction on my heel or pinch my feet in the breaking in process. I had one "hot spot" on the side of the ball of my right foot, but I get that in every single pair of new shoes due to the arthritis being more advanced in that foot.<br />
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They recommend sizing a half size up, and I ended up doing so, but I went to my local REI store and tried these on in a 6.5, 7 and 7.5. While the 6.5 fit my feet fine, my toes on my "big" foot were touching the end and in the 7.5 my heels were slipping, which would cause blisters for sure. Ultimately I went with the 7 because they allowed my one foot to have room to swell (let's be honest, long distance hiking means your feet might swell) and my heels didn't slip or pinch.<br />
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The Keen boots didn't need any significant "breaking in" time. A few day hikes and I found them comfortable in mud and water, on pavement or gravel. I plan to get a pair of the <a href="http://www.keenfootwear.com/product/shoes/women/targhee-ii">Keen Targhee II Shoes </a>so that I have a pair of low-top shoes as well.<br />
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So there you have it! My little review of my chosen shoes. The best advice I can offer is to do tons of research, try them on and know what you need your gear to do for you on the trail before making your choice.<br />
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Happy Hiking!<br />
<br />Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-11401527910128388362015-08-18T17:08:00.000-07:002015-08-18T17:08:15.724-07:00A Passion for ChangeChange isn't easy. It isn't always good at first. Sometimes we are dragged into it, kicking and screaming. Sometimes it comes slowly and softly, creeping in like a heavy fog. Sometimes it gets ugly before we are able to see the beauty in it.<br />
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But it always requires passion.<br />
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I've encountered many junctures of change throughout my life, and the last 2 years have forced change on me at what seems every single turn. Some changes were painful, heartbreaking even. I've healed and moved on from things, and others still linger in the back of my mind and on my heart, but change is a process that can take time.<br />
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Which is why this little blog has changed, grown and refocused over time.<br />
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I have a passion for change. The ruffling of the feathers of the "old", the closing of a chapter of life and placing the book upon the shelf to discover a new adventure in the next one brings on emtions like nothing else. The pounding of the heart and giddy anticipation of choosing the next road and journey is both terrifying and exciting. Choices and change are crucial to our growth. <br />
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Some things remain the same, "get healthy and lose weight" are probably forever on my list. As is "rediscover me", at least for now. But some have changed, like what I see myself doing as a career, the types of friends I'm willing to keep, and the "me" I'm trying to be.<br />
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The truth is, I don't know the destination...but I'm on a road of change nonetheless. I find that I'm both nervous and excited about that unknown. I only know that when I get there, I'll know that I'm there.<br />
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If you aren't passionate about the life you live, the friends you have or the friend you are, your career, body or health, then it is time to find the passion to change it! Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-31808770531520713252015-07-08T12:01:00.003-07:002015-07-08T12:01:48.292-07:00Wait....fat girls hike? (Part Two)Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 37, for those who care. So I have just three years to train my body and prepare for this huge goal of mine. Over the weekend Ben and I went to the store to spend some of the money I got for my birthday and start to prepare for my training.<br />
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As we walked around the shop I realized that I was an oddity. A fat girl in a fit girl's world. I hate that people look at me like that. Judging me for being in a sport store. How dare I venture out of my house and into the world of outdoor activities. It isn't the employees of these places who look at me like that, it is only other shoppers.<br />
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The truth is, I love the outdoors. Over the years though, the more weight I gained, the less I felt welcome outside of my cage. It is tough to be a fat person who likes to be active and to be outside. People are often patronizing and belittling. They often whisper to their companions or give you a funny look to make sure you know you don't belong. You are not one of them. Why is it that any time someone overweight tries to participate in life that doesn't involve food or sitting on the couch, someone is always quick to make sure they know their place?<br />
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While hurtful, these people can't actually STOP me from participating. They can make me uncomfortable, they can hurt my feelings, they can avoid me and laugh at me, but they cannot physically stop me from being outside. They cannot ban me from the outside world and the nature I love to experience. It isn't just the haters that frustrate me or make me feel unwelcome and sized out.<br />
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Even manufacturers size me out.<br />
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It seems that if you are a larger person, either in build or in weight, the manufacturers of outdoor gear and clothing don't think you matter. It is as if fat people and outdoor sports simply don't go together. They do not make clothing beyond a size 12 in most cases for hiking. They do not make jackets for snow sports or the various types of weather we get when ding outdoor sports that accommodate a larger chest. Even thin I had a hard time finding things that fit my chest, and with the extra weight it makes it harder. You would think that the huge selection offered to women who are under a size 12 (USA) would also be offered to those of us who are over that size. Instead, if you are lucky enough to find a handful of items that DO size over a 12, they are frumpy, homely and plain, with nearly no selection. 2-3 top options (which are just a large square) and maybe 2 bottoms options (in 2 colors and only long enough to hide the parts of your body the rest of the world has deemed "repulsive").<br />
<br />
It just doesn't make any sense! Why do manufacturers seem to believe that people who wear larger than a size 12 have no interest or need for clothing that fits outdoor activities? It boggles my mind. As I look through stores like REI, North Face, Dick's and Cabela's I'm rudely reminded of my size and the fact that "my kind" are not a welcome addition to the community. The lack of options for clothing, the limited measurements built into gear for women, often leads me right out the door and back to my couch, safe within my cage where my body offends no one but me.<br />
<br />
Manufacturers and stores are still posing that hurtful question "Wait....fat girls hike?" Yes, we hike. We cycle. We swim. We climb. We camp. We kayak. We run. And we need more than a handful of ugly tent-like options for clothing and gear to do it. Maybe if we were not constantly sized out and treated like unwelcome invaders, more of us would want to be outside and be part of a community of health.Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-45330749279418666652015-07-08T11:07:00.000-07:002015-07-08T11:07:12.794-07:00Wait.....fat girls hike? (Part one)<br />
I have this dream. A goal that I am determined to accomplish. I mostly likely won't complete the goal by the time I'm 40, but I am aiming to have begun by the time I turn 40. Anytime I tell people what my "dream goal" is, I'm met with a polite but skeptical sliver of a smile. It seems impossible for someone at my current size, with health issues and a decent amount of metal in my lower spine. But nonetheless here it is: <br />
<br />
The Triple Crown of Hikes.<br />
<br />
It has been a long time fantasy of mine to thru-hike the Appalachian Trail...all 2,180 miles of it. As I began to move from dreaming about this feat to actually thinking I just might be able to do it, I mentioned it to a few people. While my darling husband was supportive and more than willing to train with me once I was physically able, most people just looked at me through glassed over gazes and stifled their laughter. I could see it written on their faces, the words they wouldn't dare say to my face "Wait....fat girls hike?"<br />
<br />
At first I was a bit discouraged. Was I kidding myself into thinking I could do this? And then that discouragement turned into determination. I don't have to wait until I look like the fit women in the magazines. I don't have to put it off until others won't laugh at me for trying. It is ok to be that fat girl on the trail, out of breath and slowly chugging along, gravel and dirt crunching beneath my feet as my body drips with sweat. I know I'll get those looks...disgust, pity and even jokes about me...but I don't have to care. What I'm seeing at the end of my trek is that I'm one hike closer to my goal.<br />
<br />
The more I thought about the 6 month journey of hiking the Appalachian Trail in on go, the more I thought about how much I don't think I would want to stop there. Not only do I want to prove to myself that I can do it, I wanted to prove to the world that a former athlete, who gained 100 pounds, had major spine surgery and had to relearn how to do the simplest of tasks on her own, could strap on a pair of hiking boots, load up a heavy backpack and hike until her lungs burned, high into the mountains, down into valleys and reach a physical goal. My body is not dead. My body is not broken. My body has been altered, but it is still far more capable than even I tend to give credit for.<br />
<br />
But why stop at the AT? So I decided it wouldn't be just the Appalachian Trail. I want to hike the Continental Divide Trail (3100 miles) and the Pacific Crest Trail (2,650 miles) as well. Together these three long-distance trails make up that Triple Crown. It might seem impossible, but I'm going to do it. One day I will have completed them all and I will prove to myself that my body is capable of more than I ever imagined it could be again. I will no longer be a "former athlete" I will be a Long-distance Hiker, a Tru-hiker, a Triple Crown Hiker. Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-39593134916445478532014-12-09T09:46:00.002-08:002014-12-09T09:46:49.347-08:00I AM a natural redhead......seriously, I AM.I get asked fairly often what color is my hair "really". I find this kind of a funny question to ask. No one ever thinks twice about asking a bottle blonde if her hair is "natural" or even a perfectly lowlighted caramel brunette if hers is from a bottle. And yet, I encounter conversations like this rather often:<br />
<br />
A: So what color is your hair REALLY?<br />
Me: I'm a redhead.<br />
A: No I mean NATURALLY.<br />
Me: Yeah, I'm a redhead.<br />
A: You dye your hair though.<br />
Me: Yeah, I like it a darker red.<br />
A: So you aren't a natural redhead then.<br />
Me: Yeah, I was born with red hair.<br />
A: Then why do you dye it? <br />
<br />
UGH! So if an ashy blonde (often called "dirty blonde") lightens her hair to get that "perfect blonde" then she is still considered a "Natural Blonde" because blonde is what grows out of her head, she simply enhances her natural color but a copper top redhead who darkens her shade to a rich auburn isn't a natural redhead because the color you SEE isn't what grows out of her head?!? If a deep chocolate brunette adds golden caramel highlights to her hair then she is simply enhancing her natural brunette and her hair is still considered "natural"....but a strawberry blonde/ginger blonde who lowlights her hair with a medium auburn is told her hair isn't natural. It is a never ending cycle. Just because I choose to color my hair a different shade of red, doesn't mean I'm not a natural redhead...I just choose a different shade of red!<br />
<br />
The truth is, I've been coloring my hair for 20 years. I've been every shade of red under the sun in that 20 years. I've only passed by my natural ginger hue maybe 3 times in all of that and each time I decide that "it isn't me" and that I don't look good with my natural color. I've tried to figure out why I feel that way. I was teased for my hair color as a kid, not as badly as some people have endured but the teasing was still there. I wanted darker hair....I felt that the brassy copper penny color it grew out of my head was simply not pretty, and made my face look like a tomato. It bleached in the sun and got blonde highlights. If I spent enough time in the sun, I went platinum blonde. I hated it. Blonde is not a good color for me.<br />
<br />
I'm fortunate to have a husband who loves me no matter what. He doesn't seem to have a preference on my hair color and he has seen me go through an impossible to count number of shades in the 10 years we have been together. I'm sure though that the cost of upkeep and my constantly changing moods about my hair starts to get a bit annoying. He's a good sport about it though.<br />
<br />
After dying my hair (at home) for the millionth time just a couple days ago, I got a darker shade than I wanted.....again. It isn't that it is a bad color, or that it looks unnatural. (I've had some badly unnatural looking shades over the years.) It just isn't what I was hoping for in this case. So I got to thinking and asked myself a question I don't often approach:<br />
<br />
"Why am I never happy with the way I look? Why do I dislike my hair so much that I'm always seeking to reinvent myself?"<br />
<br />
The answer is a bit complicated...but the short answer is that the only time I have ever felt good about myself has been when my hair was darker than my natural color.<br />
<br />
I've been through a lot in my life, like most people. I have always hidden the hurt rather well, and chose to put on the smile and just keep trucking on in life, but I've always struggled with self-esteem. It isn't that I feel unworthy of happiness....I'm happy with the person I am on the inside. I could list a dozen things I like or feel are valuable about myself that have nothing to do with my exterior self. But I would be lying if I said that has always been the case for me. Any time that I have had my hair close to my natural shade I have ended up in situations and relationships where I am made to feel homely, plain, disposable, unworthy and unwanted. This has been the case since I was quite young, it started with friendships and bled over into my first marriage. Now I know that my HAIR had nothing to do with the way that I was treated by people...not on that deeper level. My hair color was not the reason why my "best friend" told me that I wasn't her best friend anymore. My hair color was not the reason why the girls in my class at church and school purposely excluded me from things, made fun of me and gave me dirty looks. I tried to be friendly, I tried to be part of things, but I was shunned, laughed at, and outright left out. I was singled out, blamed for things I didn't do, made an example of (even if all I had done was tell someone to stop doing something they weren't supposed to do). I was told I was not pretty, I was called fat (I wasn't fat then...I was athletic), the boys I would have a crush on would always like someone else (one was one of the only friends I had at the time and the other was someone who hung out with all the girls who were mean to me, even though she never was personally mean to me) so I started to compare myself to them.<br />
<br />
I was friends with the boys though. They let me hang out with them. They thought I was funny, and I liked sports. But I always heard them talking about the other girls. How this one or that one was so pretty. I saw how they noticed them...and didn't notice me. So I compared myself to them. I looked at the girls who all hung out together. They were all the same. Pretty and thin. None of them had red hair and freckles. They were tan with dark hair and always made up. Every guy friend I ever had preferred brunettes or blondes. No one ever noticed a pretty redhead. Adults liked my hair. Adults said I was cute or that my freckles were pretty....my peers made fun of it all. Or at least that is how I felt about it.<br />
<br />
I'm sure it is simply a coincidence that I started being told I was pretty, wasn't shunned by the girls I wanted to be friends with etc after I started coloring my hair. Something so small as my hair color couldn't possibly change if I'm pretty, or if I'm worthy of friendship. But I can't help but feel like subconsciously I have started to associate my natural appearance with those feelings of rejection and bullying.<br />
<br />
Over the years I have allowed my hair to go back to a more natural color...close to my natural shade anyways. The first time I let it go close to natural my (now EX) husband was verbally abusive to me and ended up cheating on me. I went through a nasty divorce and coped by not looking or acting ANYTHING like that person who wasn't good enough. Any time I have allowed my hair to lighten closer to that natural copper I have found myself feeling those worthless feelings again. (Not directed at my wonderful husband, but it reminds me that the person who was abandoned exists still inside me. and I run from her.)<br />
<br />
Friendships have been hard for me to maintain over the years. I honestly thought that once you became an adult you didn't have backstabbing, two-faced friends. I was wrong. So my coping mechanism is to change myself, reinvent and move on. In my adult life I have only found myself with true friends when I have felt worthy myself. And each time that has been with a darker shade of auburn as opposed to my natural copper blonde.<br />
<br />
The truth is, that I have spent more of my life as an auburn haired woman than I have as a ginger girl. I have only felt pretty when I had darker auburn hair. As a ginger I felt awkward, plain, shunned, bullied, and over all just saw myself as "less". The color of my hair hasn't really changed. Inside I'm still a ginger girl....just trying to "fit in" and to be "accepted". I hide that girl as much as I can because I have never felt like she was enough, she was never good enough, talented enough, pretty enough or smart enough. She was "annoying" and a bother.<br />
<br />
I see my natural shade on my son, on other women and it is beautiful. And I think, I wish it looked like that on me. My inner Ginger is hurt. My inner copper top hides away where no one can hurt her, where she can't be teased, or thrown away, left out and shunned.<br />
<br />
I have started to realize, today actually....as I write this, that I try to fix the inside hurt, the wounds I bury from past friendships, from people I thought cared about me, from my ex-husband and even from people who NEVER took the time to even know me, by changing my outside. When I feel in any way like "less" I decide to reinvent myself, I redye my hair as a sort of therapy. It is the same as people who go shopping, by a new wardrobe, get their nails done and pamper themselves in many ways. I don't stuff my face to feel better, I color my hair. But I realize that I'm just hiding. I'm running. Trying to get as far away from "that girl" as possible.<br />
<br />
So I'm contemplating a challenge for myself. To work on the inside, not the outside. Feeling good about your outward appearance is important.....yes. But what good is it to look good on the outside when you are unable to feel like it is good enough?!?<br />
<br />
So I'm thinking about ditching the dye. Maybe after 22 years it is time to break up with that bottle. Maybe it is time that I stop having to answer that question "what color is your hair REALLY??" and then stop defending and explaining the truth to people. No blonde or brunette has to defend their "natrualness"....they don't get asked if their hair is "natural" or if they color their hair....but redheads do. I get it, you don't understand why someone with naturally red hair would want to change it....even to a different shade of red. Maybe like me, they haven't had the best experiences and the one thing they can control to change the way that people treat them is their hair color. <br />
<br />
<br />Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-91838848566678256532014-08-11T19:53:00.000-07:002014-08-11T19:53:45.476-07:00Confession of an Academia JunkieSo in just 2 weeks the Fall semester will begin for me. I am getting closer and closer to the end of my BA degree and I'm starting to consider if I want to continue on for my MA or not. What I'm finding difficult is that everyone always asks "so what do you want to do?" after finding out my major is in English. No, I don't want to be a teacher. I hate that I never seem to have a solid answer though. When presented with the question "What do you want to do with your degree" I am suddenly dragged back to 10 years old and being asked "What do you want to be when you grow up" and I'm that one kid who has no reply. <br />
<br />
The truth is, I have no idea. I have spent the last 21 years of my life chasing this dream to finish my BA in English. Along the way I thought I wanted to pursue different avenues and tried Psychology, Theatre, Music and Photography. Ultimately I went back to English because it was my "default" and it was what I was closest to completing. But what do you do with a degree in English besides teach?!?<br />
<br />
They say to find what you love and figure out how to make a living with it. That is all fine and well, but for me it seems to be easier said than done. I don't know how to make a career out of writing, reading, photography, music and theatre. I just don't I'm all creative, "the arts" has always been what I'm good at and I don't know how to do anything else. I really don't want to teach though, and every time I think I have an answer to that dreaded question I wind up second guessing myself and changing my mind.<br />
<br />
My kids are starting 10th and 11th grade this next week and I find myself asking them what they want to pursue in college in just a few short years, as any parent would. But I feel like a fraud telling them they need to have an idea when I don't even know what "I want to be when I grow up". How do you choose what to spend the rest of your working life doing if you can't settle on ONE thing you just *know* is your so-called "calling"? How can you be an example to your kids when all you know how to do is be in school but not out in the "real world" applying the skills you gathered in college?<br />
<br />
I used to say that I could be a career student and be happy, and maybe that is true about me. Maybe I'm addicted to school because it is the one thing I feel that I'm genuinely good at doing. That's all I know how to do really, be a student, because I have spent my entire life being one.<br />
<br />
So no, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I don't know what I'll end up "doing" with my degree in English. Maybe write, maybe edit, maybe travel the world taking photos and writing about my experiences singing my way in dive bars to get by, and maybe I'll do nothing because I have nothing particularly interesting or profound to say.<br />
<br />
I have no clue. I do know one thing though:<br />
<br />
My name is Emylee Noel, I'm an Academia Junkie and I have no idea what I want to *do* with my life.Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-32293941331756557392014-08-08T07:57:00.001-07:002014-08-08T07:57:50.974-07:00What's the point?We all have days where we feel like our efforts are for nothing. All the hard work, all the workouts and all the sacrifices and what do you get? At the end of 2 weeks you have GAINED weight? That is a tough spot in which to find yourself. You watch other people barely try and here you are busting your butt and they lose but you don't....in fact you gained weight. It isn't "muscle". It is just how your body works. At least that is how my week has been. <br />
<br />
When you have medical conditions that aren't life threatening and are for the most part "invisible", it can be difficult to be accepting of your situation when it comes to your health. It is even more difficult to get people to listen to you, including doctors and dieticians, when you are insisting that something is wrong. They tell you to just "keep doing what you're doing and eventually your body catches up." In my experience though, this isn't exactly the case. Contrary to what people often think, it isn't a matter of not doing enough, working hard enough, eating "bad" foods, not exercising, eating too much. Not always. Some times you can do everything you are "supposed" to do, and see no results. It can be frustrating, discouraging and extremely depressing.<br />
<br />
You know what? That's ok. It is ok to feel discouraged and frustrated. You are allowed to feel depressed that you didn't have cake, passed up the bread basket, ate all your veggies, skipped the french fries and drank all your water. All while getting an hour or more of cardio every day, eating within your allowed calories and having at least 800 calories "left" at the end of the day. Yet not only NOT losing any weight but GAINING weight. People want to tell you how to do it, that you just need to do more, or do this or that differently. The thing is though, that you are doing all you can, you are working as hard as possible but not seeing any results. You don't need everyone else's "fixes", you need support, compassion and understanding.<br />
<br />
What's the point? The point is to stay strong, find support where you can, and to continue to reach for your goals. You don't always see results on a scale or in the mirror. You don't. It is what it is. It isn't about "sucking it up and dealing" but at the same time it sort of is that way. You do have to accept that sometimes you can't "do" anything to change the circumstances. However you can choose to respond to the situation differently.<br />
<br />
It might not feel like there is a point to trying to lose weight, or quit smoking or whatever it is you are trying to change. Failure might seem like it is constantly chasing you down and squashing every solid effort you make. However, when you step back and see it as an opportunity to gain strength and confidence in your own ability to bounce back and stand back up when knocked down, you find success.<br />
<br />
So I gained weight this week, in spite of all my hard work and not letting myself convince myself that skipping a work out would be ok. I worked out every day. I didn't eat a bunch of junk. I stayed within my calorie goal...and I gained. I won't lie, I am upset. I feel defeated. I feel discouraged. I feel like it is pointless to work so hard to take 3 steps backwards. And that's ok.Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-81950981236751023392014-07-29T18:55:00.001-07:002014-07-30T08:53:35.710-07:00Working out....againI did it! I got back on a workout schedule today. Because of my back surgery just 7 months ago, I still have to take it kind of easy. My muscles are not what they were before surgery and they certainly are not what they were when I was a gymnast and figure skater.<br />
<br />
I'm giving myself a year to get to my goal. I'm not looking to be a "twig" or to be "skinny", that isn't my body structure. I'm curvy and strong by nature, but very petite in the bone frame. Yes, I grew with my back surgery so I can honestly say I'm 5'2" but my bones are much too small to carry the weight I've been carrying for so many years now. (I'm "fun sized" or "pocket sized" as my husband says.)<br />
<br />
So here is to accountability....<br />
<br />
30 minutes on my stationary recumbent bike<br />
4 sets of 10 squats each<br />
5 sets of 20 crunches each<br />
4 sets of 5 push ups each<br />
4 sets of 10 pelvic lifts each<br />
30 minutes on my stationary recumbent bike <br />
<br />
It isn't much.....and it is NOWHERE close to the activity levels I have done in my past. Nor is it anywhere close to where I want and need to be. It is a START though, and pretty impressive when I remind myself from where I started at the end of last year.<br />
<br />
Remember:<br />
<br />
No matter how slow you go, it's farther than sitting on the couch.<br />
<br />
Make progress not excuses.<br />
<br />Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-75674300740847701962014-07-29T18:35:00.001-07:002014-07-29T18:35:35.788-07:00And Then Life Happens.Life has really thrown me some curve balls lately. After dealing with the healing from spine surgery, 6 months to the day after that surgery I had another procedure. For years I have dealt with the pain of Endometriosis and the complications of the PCOS. I had to have a partial hysterectomy and had another month of recovery and sitting on my butt to heal from that.<br />
<br />
When I went into hospital for surgery on my back December 11th, 2013 I was not happy with the number on the scale. The year leading up to my surgery had left me unable to do much physically and though I knew logically that recovering from major spine surgery was going to take a while, I was not prepared emotionally for that journey. I don't know if I thought I would bounce back quickly and be as physically able as I was 15 years ago or what...but that wasn't what it was like. I wasn't prepared for how weak and easily exhausted my muscles and entire body would end up being.<br />
<br />
It has been so slow going and I was finally allowed to start really exercising. Well, I was allowed to ride my stationary recumbent bike that is. Just after I was released to do so, I ended up needing to have a hysterectomy due to the extreme and increasing condition of my endometriosis. Of course that meant that I had to take it easy for another month to allow myself to heal.<br />
<br />
It is hard to continue on a path you set for yourself when life throws what feels like the impossible roadblock at you time and time again. Sometimes we fail. I know that I could say that I did during this time. Over the last 7 months I have put on some weight, I've grown more tired and discouraged each time I got dressed and clothes didn't fit or when I stepped on the scale and saw a number I had hoped I would never see again. I could say that I failed, but I refuse to see it as a failure.<br />
<br />
Failing is easy. Throwing your hands up and saying "oh well, I failed" and giving up is easy. Making excuses is easy. My health makes it hard, yes but not impossible, even if it feels that way. The fact that I had to relearn how to walk, shave, shower, put my shoes on, dress and even use the restroom completely on my own and in new ways to accommodate the rods, screws and metal plate in my back is NOT a failure. So weight didn't come off while I was recovering and I even put on a little bit, but I didn't put on 50 pounds and that is a success. Making excuses, even valid ones, is easy. It is easier than trying and feeling like a failure. It is easier to hide behind weight than to allow yourself to be vulnerable and exposing yourself to the world when you try and don't succeed. <br />
<br />
I learned a few things over the last 7 months while healing from back surgery and a hysterectomy.<br />
<br />
1) Success is not just seeing a number on the scale go down or buying smaller clothes.<br />
2) Not everyone who says they are on your side actually wants to see you succeed.<br />
3) Negativity has to be eliminated. Negative people and negative thoughts have no place in my life anymore.<br />
4) The only thing really standing in my way is ME.<br />
<br />
And so......<br />
1) I'm celebrating the little things, even when the scale doesn't move in the direction I want.<br />
2) I'm paying attention not only to the words other people say to me, but to their actions. If your actions don't show that you are genuine then I'm done waiting for them to suddenly be genuine. <br />
3) It was with a heavy heart that I had to step back and take a look at people in my life and I realized that there were several people who truly were not positive people for me. They were not true friends and honestly they never were. Sadly I had to let go of them because the negativity was weighing on me so greatly.<br />
4) I'm no longer going to stand in my own way. I'm not going to allow the feelings, words, thoughts and insecurities of others to cause me to stand in my way and hold myself back for fear that "they" will not like me, be happy for me or support me. I'm in control of my own happiness.<br />
<br />
Life happens. Life gets in the way. Life sends you down a new path and puts up roadblocks on your way to your goals. You have two choices though....you can roll with the punches and face each obstacle with determination and passion or you can throw your hands in the air and say "oh well, I guess it isn't meant to be."<br />
<br />
Personally I choose not to be held back by surgeries, Celiac's Disease or PCOS (which can make losing weight extremely difficult). I'm not making excuses anymore and I refuse to stand in my own way. <br />
<br />
<br />Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-69254052329382278822014-01-15T16:53:00.000-08:002014-01-15T17:31:17.665-08:00Full of passion....but falling flat.Writing has always been something that I have loved to do, and something that has always been rather "easy" for me. Although, I think it is "easy" because all I'm basically doing here is talking the way I do in every day life. A silent monologue sent out into the vast open air. Writing is therapeutic for me as well, it allows me to just let my thoughts out and sometimes that is boring. Sometimes though I get a real gem of a thought or idea and I write it down and think "wow....that was good".<br />
<br />
This semester at school I'm taking "Writing Creative Fiction" and I'm realizing just how incredibly rusty I am...and BORING! Sitting in my class yesterday we were going over some of the students' ideas for their story. (The one major writing assignment is to write a 15 page short story). We have several smaller writing exercises that we do to help us develop our stories and strangely I found myself struggling with the first one. So, when we had a few people volunteer to go over the basic ideas they were developing, I realized just how inferior my initial writing exercise was to theirs. Or rather, my initial idea seemed so lame and uninteresting. So....it is back to the drawing board I go. <br />
<br />
It is so intimidating to sit there and feel like you have all the passion and none of the ability. It almost makes you wonder "am I pursuing the wrong thing in school? Is writing really what I'm good at?". I know it is in there, somewhere....just locked away in a part of me that I have not tapped into in a very long time. So the assignment for tomorrow is to create two characters and to put them into conflict. So, I'm going to try to let the imagination just run away with me. Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-65234952365212155392014-01-12T15:37:00.002-08:002014-01-12T15:37:19.677-08:00Happy New Year! Now let's relearn how to walk.So it's 2014 and I'm on the road to recovery. So I'm back.....and ready to get back to blogging, while taking on the full load at school, handling all my kid commitments, wife duties and recovering from my back surgery.<br />
<br />
So here is the update:<br />
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At the end of Fall Semester 2013 (December 11th) I underwent a 9.5 hour surgery on my spine. As I'm sure I have said before, they had to open up the spinal cavity for my nerves to pass through (Stenosis), replace the two discs which were nearly completely gone (at L4/5 and L5/S1), as well as stabilize the shifting that was happening with L5 and the fact that it was all the way forwards. Upon getting in there, however, the surgeon found that L5 was not just forward it was in 2 pieces and free-floating around. They also found that one of my nerves was being rubbed and there was a notch in it, so that had to be repaired as well. All in all I now have 2 titanium rods, 6 screws and a titanium plate in place. Recovery at first was very difficult. I didn't eat the first 2 days in the hospital. By day 3 I was able to keep water, Sprite and a little Jello down. The entire time I was in the hospital my appetite was terrible but I was able to begin eating solid foods, though in extremely small portions by the time I headed home. Day 3 they made me start re-learning to stand and walk. At first it took 2 people to just roll me over in bed, help me out of bed to standing and support me as I could barely shuffle my feet a few inches to "walk". It was very important to me to be able to be home for Christmas and they were thinking I would need to go to an inpatient rehabilitation center for a few days to a week, but this would mean me missing Christmas with my family. So my determination (and stubbornness) kicked in and I insisted on walking, standing and learning to move my legs again. I surprised the Physical Therapy department, my nurses and my Neurological Surgeons by going from needing 2 people to practically move me at all, to walking almost the entire floor of where I was staying and going up and down 9 steps completely unassisted by day 6. So day 6 I went home. :-)<br />
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Upon getting home, we had to make a few accommodations for me. A recliner, a grabbing tool, help to shower, shave my legs, make myself food, housework, dressing myself etc were all necessary. Honestly without my kids and my wonderful husband I would not have been able to come home. I was not even able to get myself out of bed because my left side does not respond quite as well as I need it to just yet. I am currently at 4.5 weeks post surgery. Some of the basic personal tasks I'm able to do...thank God. Use the restroom, dry my hair and style it, put on make up and make myself something to eat so long as I don't have to bend over or lift anything more than a can of fruit (for example). I HAVE over done it many times because I have a hard time allowing others to care for me...especially when I have been the caregiver of others for 16 years. My kids however are constantly telling me to sit down, to go take a nap etc. The first couple weeks I did nothing but sleep....Valium and Morphine have that effect on me. I have had a lot of time to rest and have made many efforts to increase my abilities and my muscles.<br />
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At this point I'm back to driving, though getting in and out of my truck is a bit hard with the brace on, which I have to wear for at least the next 3 months. This brace goes from just under my bust to just below my hips...so it is quite restricting. At this point we are the fusing stage of my recovery, which I can say is an uncomfortable process to say the least. If you have ever chipped your tailbone then you know that painful sensation of sitting on that chipped tailbone and then standing up. Multiply it by about 60x.....that is how it feels when you have bones healing from screws and discs repairing. I'm finally to a point however where the morphine pills are not so necessary on a daily basis, and I have almost completely stopped having the excruciating sudden muscle spasms that slam you awake at night and cause your back to arch (which I'm NOT supposed to do at ALL). Which means the Valium is much less often needed. School started back this last week for me and the kids, which has been so exhausting for me because I'm not used to this much activity yet. But I always like a challenge. :-) <br />
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I still have a LONG way to go...the skin on my left leg and foot is still numb, and the nerves deep inside are HYPER active making any touching of my leg painful on the inside like a bruise being touched but the skin feeling nothing. I don't have full use of my left leg but I'm able to walk as long as I'm careful with my steps. I'm unable to dress myself easily, but I'm getting better at it and Ben (Devoted Husband....DH) helps me do it, as well as shower and shave my legs, every morning. I can't put socks or shoes on alone, or lotion my legs and feet, but I am able to wash my own hair, brush my teeth, hair and put on my own coat. Getting in and out of bed is still a challenge but I'm getting closer and closer to doing that myself and have even had a couple of moments where I didn't need to wake Ben up in the middle of the night (3 or 4 times) to help me out of bed and get my brace back on, then do it in reverse just so I could use the restroom. I am finally able to sleep on my right side, instead of just on my back (I'm NOT a back sleeper) and can even roll myself into that position (be it CAREFULLY and SLOWLY). Which drives Ben a little crazy because he is afraid I will hurt myself. This is a crucial time for healing because if my spine doesn't fuse properly (if I lean, twist or bend) it could cause damage or reduce the effectiveness of my surgery. Once I get settled in my school schedule, and I'm not so exhausted all the time, I'm going to be going to outpatient physical therapy so that I can regain full use of my left leg.<br />
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I still won't be able to ride my bicycle for a year (and then we are back into winter which means I can't anyway), and I'm not sure how much or how little of the outdoor activities Ben, the kids and I used to enjoy together I will be able to fully participate in with them once I'm fully healed, only time will tell. But I'm excited and anxious to simply experience the rest of my life without the nerve pain I was experiencing, not peeing myself (unintentionally) and having to sit out of everything because of my back. If I can't do something, then I'm going to photograph everyone else, just as I always have done...I'm just not going to be in pain standing to do so anymore!<br />
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Everyone sets "New Year's Resolutions". This is year, I have some that I think everyone has. Spend more time with family, invest in growing true friendships, take better care of my health, lose weight, travel......yet I find that I'm altering mine a bit this year. Obviously, allowing myself to heal is a big part of my goals this year....<br />
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In no particular order, this next year, my promises to myself :<br />
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To allow myself the time I truly need to heal.<br />
To spend quality time with those I value and who value me in return.<br />
To worry less about what my scale says, and more about the health of my body.<br />
<i>(Living with Celiac's is a challenge, as well as the PCOS, so weight loss is not easy for me. It is better to eat what is right for my body and allow myself to heal than to worry about what the scale says.)</i><br />
To stop investing so much in the relationships that do not appreciate me, do not give back, use me and disrespect me. I don't have time for the drama or problems of others.<br />
<i>The only "drama" or "problems" I should be focusing on are my own and those that my immediate family must endure. It is time to allow other people to suffer the consequences of their choices in life...I can't save everyone from themselves.</i><br />
To make special time for each of my children and for my husband.<br />
To strengthen those bonds and the communication that we have with each other.<br />
To put my talents and my passions to work.<br />
<i>It is by example that we teach our children to follow their dreams, work hard and not to give up just because it gets difficult.</i><br />
To read for pleasure, not just for school.<br />
To travel....nearby or far away...or both.<br />
To strengthen and begin the LONG process of preparing myself for hiking part (or all) of the Appalachian trail (at some point in my life....but I can't at all if I don't heal and strengthen.)<br />
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And lastly, To allow myself to "love" myself and value myself without picking myself apart every time I look in the mirror. <br />
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A long list, yes....but mostly the same list as usual.<br />
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So here is to a new year, and relearning how to walk.....in more than one way. Baby steps still reach the goal.Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-17569560885800562662013-11-01T21:50:00.000-07:002013-11-01T21:50:09.802-07:00A size 6 is plus sized?!?Apparently even in High school when I would get a little "chunky" and go up to a size 6 from my usual 3/5 I was "fat". No wonder women are constantly feeling like they are fat and inadequate. I might never be "thin" by the industry standards, I might not ever be "normal" by industry standards, but I CAN be healthy and happy. Women are so competitive, and they (in general, though not all are like this) tend to put others down because they are insecure about their own appearance. Now it is true, that most of us have things about our bodies we would like to change. I have had many health issues that have caused weight gain. I have had two children and therefore I have stretch marks. I am 35 years old and I no longer look like I'm 19. My boobs sag (unless I get a reduction they will never be "perky" again...they just don't do that perky thing at my bra size), my thighs jiggle, and I have a thicker waist than I used to. What gets me is that the industry has decided that "fat" is a size 6 US for models, when the average size of a woman in the US is a size 14. I'm short, I'm just barely under 5'2", a size 14 on me doesn't look like a size 14 on a woman who is 5'10". I don't have long legs, I don't have a long torso....I'm short and I am an hourglass shape. My husband loves me just as I am, and finds me attractive....so why can't I agree with him?!? Like most women I have been brainwashed into believing that I'm LESS attractive because I don't look like the models in magazines or on TV...even the plus sized ones (partially because they are a size 10 and considered plus sized and partially because they are nearly a foot taller than I am and pear shaped...which is the most visually appealing shape apparently). I just think that we, as a society and as parents, need to encourage women and girls (and men as they too can deal with this twisted sense of self worth) to take care of their bodies and to embrace the shape they have been given. Some of us are busty no matter how much weight we lose, some of us are thick in our bottoms with shapely thighs and smaller tops, some of us have short thick legs and some of us seem to have no curves at all...none of which decides whether we are beautiful or not. If you are an ugly person inside, if you take advantage of others, if you belittle others, talk behind their backs, lie etc...that makes you ugly, not your appearance. OK....rant over. Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-19030088989495596742013-10-17T10:38:00.000-07:002013-10-17T10:38:01.430-07:00When the term "Friend" is one-sided...letting go of those who only care about what you do for them.No, this is not about appearance, or weight, or self esteem in any way....however I feel that it still pertains to this journey I'm on to rediscover myself. I have spent much of my life seeking out valuable, strong, sincere and genuine friends. I always seem to end up in these "friendships" where I'm taken for granted, used, competed with, manipulated and serving as the therapist and the one woman cheering section for a ONE WOMAN SHOW that I play no real part in. I have come to a point in my life where I'm starting to realize that the common factor in these cases being my "norm" is me. I don't CAUSE them to be backstabbing, self-centered, pathetic whining women who need to be coddled constantly and only interested in how things affect THEM. What I DO however is enable that behavior because I'm 1.) Genuinely a kind and caring person 2.) Naturally a nurturer who refuses to see another human being suffer 3.) Consistently guilty of insisting on seeing the good in everyone, even when they are treating me poorly 4.) Fear confrontation (which is why I allow the behavior to continue for YEARS before I say something...if I say something at all) 5.) Want to see others succeed just as much as I want to succeed myself 6.) Will constantly do for others at the expense of myself. It is for that reason that this blog post is crucial to me "finding myself". This is a part of me that is relatively new for me to find and embrace. It requires me to be "mean" in a way and tell people things that they have done or said that were rude, unkind, untrue, manipulative, hurtful etc. It means I have to tell other people things they do not want to believe about how they are perceived by others, present themselves to others or how things they do affect others. This post is about stepping back and realizing that there are some people in our lives who will NEVER appreciate what it means to be a friend. They are ONLY interested in the GOOD you give them. They are selfish, narcissistic, petty, shallow, needy and don't realize that they truly only care about themselves. In fact, some people are such pathological liars that they no longer can recognize a lie from the truth and will turn on anyone in a heartbeat if they are no longer receiving this "one-sided friendship" they require. <br />
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Sometimes you have to step back and recognize that there are some people who will never be a true friend...not because they refuse but because they are unable to look past their own self-centered nature. Try as you might, they will always refuse to see how they have wronged you, taken you for granted, used you, cared little about you and will continue to play victim for sympathy and as a means of manipulation. They will hide behind "good intentions" and refuse to believe that an apology is still owed when you go above and beyond for them, focus your entire friendship around THEM and coddle their overly needy tendencies and sooth their ridiculously low self esteem. These are the types of "friends" who will suck you dry and when you refuse to continue to enable their narcissistic, shallow, petty, constantly whining behavior and insist that they take responsibility for their childish, rude, inconsiderate, selfish, shallow, materialistic, manipulative behavior as well as their continual pathological lying and sense of entitlement, they will turn on you and say they "did nothing wrong" and "owe you no apology"...and play victim to someone else. Tread lightly, choose those you call FRIEND carefully and invest only in those who not only appreciate who and what you are as an individual and a friend, but who will GIVE in return not just TAKE from you. It is a sad realization to come to, for sure. However, sometimes it is a truly liberating place to be in your life. You realize in that moment that you have been allowing someone to kill your joy, to steal your sense of value as a friend because all they really care about is themselves, what others can do for them, give to them and provide for them. It is a hard choice to make, not to let go of people like that, but to let them go with love. People continually say, Karma will come back to haunt you....you reap what you sew...etc. While this is true, I am not afraid of that happening for me. My position is a valid one and it is the truth. The one who should be afraid of "Karma" or "consequences" is the person who lies to get what they want, manipulates others to get what they did not work for, whines for handouts from people and constantly TAKES from relationships and plays the victim. Being honest does not warrant such selfish, childish games that some people play. For me, I'm finally free....free from fake friends who are only interested in themselves, constantly in competition with those they call their "best friend" and who take shallow stabs at them to make themselves feel better about themselves. I'm done giving to those who do not give back or who only give in order to GET from me. I'm too old for crap like that. It is time for grown-ups to be grown-ups. You have to GET OVER YOURSELF before you can have TRUE friendships and LASTING relationships. Sometimes you have to step back and realize that the mistakes you make in friendships (which results in not being able to keep close friends very long) is similarly related to the reason why you can't find your "dream man" and your "perfect romance". Personally, I'm tired of the games that women play in friendships. I'm sick and tired of being treated like a therapist and advice column and yet when I need to vent, bounce an idea off them etc, I'm not permitted to because it isn't about them. Relationships are give and take.....they can't be one-sided....I have allowed the one-sided friendship to continue for FAR too long. <br />
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To be an adult, to have maturity, does not require one thing....it requires many things. Being able to admit when you are wrong, not taking advantage of others, not lying to get what you want, not putting others down to make yourself appear better or feel better, not disrespecting their marriage or their friendship, not constantly making everything about you, not using others, not being only interested in how much money they make, what they can buy for you, whether or not they can bail you out every time you fail, not acting like a pathetic and desperate person who is ALWAYS the victim, not refusing to take responsibility for your actions regardless of the intent (because let's face it, you may not INTEND to slam a finger in the door but you still owe them an apology for it!)....not only are these traits signs of maturity, they are necessary for the basis of a TRUE friendship and also for a lasting romantic relationship. Without these (as well as MANY others) you WILL NEVER have security in a friendship or a relationship and you will continue to wander this world constantly searching for something to fill the void. The same goes for allowing others to get away with NOT possessing these traits. You are just as responsible for allowing others to be less than a friend, continually stepping your level of friendship up in the hopes that they will suddenly see your worth, realize they have been a SH*TTY friend, that every THING and every CONVERSATION is focused on and centered around them, and that they will FINALLY be the friend you truly deserve.<br />
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It is hard to walk away from people, but I have found it liberating.....it allows me to say "I am worth more than this. I deserve a friend who does not disrespect my marriage, my friendship with them, who doesn't take me for granted, who wants me to succeed, who is my therapist just as much as I am theirs.... I deserve better than this person is giving me....and it isn't WRONG for me to admit that." I deal with a lot of guilt when it comes to the crappy friends I have had in my life....and my crappy marriage to my ex. I tend to blame myself for the horrible things they do and say, about me and to me. Part of my journey to find myself, is letting go of that guilt. I'm not ok with "one-sided friendships"....and I refuse to be your enabler anymore. Your ISSUES are not mine, your GUILT is not mine, your MONEY PROBLEMS aren't my responsibility, your LONELINESS which results in your PATHETIC, SLUTTY and DESPERATE behavior is not my responsibility, your PATHOLOGICAL LYING is your karma to deal with not mine, your LACK of self esteem and self worth are not my issues to deal with, your need to have everything constantly CENTER around you and your delusional addiction to fantasy and the constant attempts at manipulation in order to get others to live out or feed your fantasy are YOUR shortcomings, not mine. <br />
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Thank GOD I have my small handful of true friends. We genuinely want each other to succeed....we genuinely want each other to be happy.....unlike some people who simply want their "friends" to be happy and successful so long as they aren't happier or more successful than they are (Because THAT isn't TRUE friendship). To my friends who are TRUE, I love you and I'm thankful for you all. To my mom and my sister who have always been TRUE friends to everyone they meet, I thank you for always having the patience necessary to demonstrate what it means and looks like to be a TRUE friend.<br />
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To those who perhaps feel like this blog post might be about them.....well maybe then YOU need to step back and take a long hard look and ask yourself:<br />
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Have you been on the receiving end of a "one-sided friendship" ?<br />
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If my post offends you, makes you angry, hurts your feelings or feels like it is about you, then maybe you know you aren't being a good friend to me, or to someone else, or a good daughter or sister. Maybe it is time you start apologizing to them for taking them for granted, using them, manipulating them to get what you want, looking for hand outs, disrespecting their marriage, being an embarrassment in public situations with your constant neediness and your pathological lying. Maybe you need to stop looking for someone to "take care of you" and to "validate your worth" and to "shower you with praise and compliments and gifts" and start BEING the friend they deserve.Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-86113305507416019712013-09-15T16:32:00.002-07:002013-09-15T16:32:56.424-07:00Back in the saddle again.....Well things around here have been truly nuts. Since my last post we went on a vacation, started school and found out that I have to have spinal surgery. Lovely. So I guess I will take this post to catch you all up on what all that has entailed for me.<br />
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In August my husband, his parents, aunt, best friend, a friend of mine and myself all went on a cruise to Progresso Mexico to see Chichen Itza, and to Cozumel, Mexico. Afterwards we went New Orleans for a few days. As usual we had a blast on all accords and of course I had a camera attached to me pretty much 24/7. :-) It was nice to not hate every photo taken of me this time. On our last trip (2011), I ended up not really wanting any photos taken of me because I felt so hideously huge. At the size I am now, I'm much more comfortable in my own skin and have finally started to be more accepting of my own flaws and have continued working on not comparing myself to others. I'm not totally ok with it all, granted I still have a lot to work on in that regard, undoing years of self-abuse takes time...the important thing is that I'm working towards it and just picking myself back up and starting again each time I "fail".<br />
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It has been assumed by my doctors that my stomach issues, migraines, skin reactions etc is chalked up to Celiac's. No official diagnosis has been obtained but that is what they keep writing in my chart. Regardless I will never eat gluten again. That being said, I was a bit concerned about eating while on our trip....was I going to be reduced to salad for lunch and dinner and eggs for breakfast every day?!? Turned out that I wasn't. :-) The cruise ship was very helpful and provided me with many choices....even desserts. In New Orleans I found that every restaurant was helpful and provided choices for me as well. The only thing I couldn't eat in New Orleans that I really wanted was beignets. But honestly I didn't feel too deprived with everyone eating them around me. I'm pretty used to it by now. :-) I also have given up pop recently. I cut it out cold turkey in July...right after my birthday. Since then I can count on one hand how many times I have had one...and every time, regardless of whether it is regular or diet, I am sick. As a matter of fact, recently at my nephew's birthday party I had one diet pop (it was a Saturday) and it wasn't until Wednesday evening or Thursday morning that I felt "normal" again......so Tea, Coffee, Water and Juice for me only. Which is fine. Mostly I drink water though....and no mix-ins anymore. I really just don't handle NutraSweet or anything that isn't pure sugar. And yet there is something else going on with my body in that department as well....when I eat sugar it jacks with my stomach/intestines.....so that is pretty sucky too. :-( It is like I'm going to end up eating Macrobiotic food now.<br />
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We all got back into Ohio, Kids came home from California and we came home from the cruise, and immediately the kids were off to school and we have French club, Steel Band, Marching Band, Wind Ensemble, Choir, Spanish club, Morning announcements, AP classes, 4H and Boy Scouts. And that is just the kids. Ben also has work and school....and I have started my classes at OSU.<br />
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We found out that for sure I have to have surgery on my back in the midst of all of this getting started. Originally they wanted to have my surgery in August...on the first day of school for me and the kids. So instead I pushed it back to December so that I also have the full 4 weeks after the end of the Fall semester until the beginning of the Spring semester to recover and I won't have to miss any school. They are going to be replacing 2 discs and putting in 2 rods and 6-12 screws in my lower back to stabilize the movement that is occurring that isn't supposed to and to alleviate the pressure on my nerves which is causing constant pain and intermittent loss of feeling. Yeah no fun. But I have a great support system so I know I will be ok. The only thing that has been freaking me out though is the fact that I can't ride my bike for a year after surgery. A YEAR. So I'm panicking about trying to control my weight with nothing but diet. That fear starts to kick in you know? How in the world am I going to lose weight I still have to lose if I'm unable to exercise? Surely starving myself isn't the way to go and abusing diet pills isn't either. I really don't want to revert back to old habits or ways of thinking. I can feel the anxiety and depression looming over me, just waiting for the moment that my surgery is over and I'm left sitting on the sofa (when I'm not doing my necessary walking therapy) and my rear end growing back to 240 lbs.<br />
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It is with that fear that I am back in the saddle again. Back on here to vent and admit my shortcomings and my strengths. I have a long way to go still. But I have come a long way. Having PCOS and being insulin resistant makes losing weight really difficult for me. As doctors have put it to me, every pound I lose is like losing 2-3 for an "average" person...someone without PCOS. I do better with my diet when I track, so I got back on MyFitnessPal.com which is a website that is free and I can track what I'm eating and doing for activities...no matter how small I can do. Yet I'm still terrified that I will go backwards. I managed to do really well over the summer with my weight and didn't gain while on our cruise...amazing right? However, my back being in as much pain as it has been has kept me from exercising which has caused me to bump up just slightly back into the 200 pound range instead of being solidly under it like I was. It has taken a lot of self control not to beat myself up for that. The doctors all said that I'm just going to have to suck it up because there isn't going to be a lot I can do about not being able to exercise if I'm in so much pain. They said, keep watching my diet, exercise when I can, and wait until after I have been given the Ok by them to get into the full swing of serious cardio again. UGH.<br />
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So there you have it. What has been going on with us, where things stand for me and how I'm dealing with it all. :-) A bit of a boring post I know, but a necessary one to clear my mind, refocus and keep going. That is all we CAN do isn't it? Set our eyes on our goals and just keep going. So that is exactly what I'm doing. Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-21283815376102559532013-07-18T11:09:00.000-07:002013-07-18T11:09:17.077-07:00Back in the Saddle....I've been away for far too long, for that I am sorry, not to anyone who reads my ranting but to myself because I have allowed myself to become derailed in my ever present journey to rediscover the "me" that I have buried for far too long. So with that, I'm back.....<br />
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Have you ever thought that things are just too difficult to continue trying to achieve what you think you are meant to chase? Discouragement can be an ever present foe, gnawing at the path before us, sweeping away the well laid guide we have set for ourselves. I think this is where I have found myself lately and also why I allowed myself to step away for so long from this blog. It didn't begin with discouragement actually, but I think it extended so long because of it. <br />
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My journey isn't just about my weight, or my health. It isn't simply about learning to accept myself with all my flaws. It isn't about simply becoming the "me" I think I want to be or who I thought I was at one point in my life. This journey and therefore my journey has become about self discovery. It is about letting go of my past, embracing the adventures of my future and discovering who I am supposed to be. <br />
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I have held a lot of preconceptions of who or what I am meant to be, and had no clue really who or what I wanted to be...but I never really took the time to stop and listen and see what I am lead to the truth of myself. I am doing that now, and this blog is about my journey to this point and any point I find myself coming to after this one. I used to say "I am 34 years old and I have know idea what I want to be when I grow up" :-). Well this year I turned 35, and I know what I want to be when I grow up. As cheesy at it sounds and incredibly cliché, I want to be "me" and to be happy with that. I want a career I'm happy doing every day. I finally decided that instead of trying to fit myself into one set box, I needed to allow myself to be all that I know I am and to find a way to be all those things at the same time because I would feel like I was missing something or a piece of me if I didn't fulfill the pursuit of them. <br />
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So let's see...since my last post I have graduated from community college, gotten my weight under control then a little out of control again, scheduled classes at OSU, ready to start in the fall, and rediscovered my love of writing more than just random ramblings in blog form. <br />
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So here I am....ready to allow myself to be what I am, who I am, and allow myself to just experience and enjoy the journey. That isn't to say that there aren't going to be obstacles. I'm just choosing to approach life with the positive outlook I have always tried to maintain. So, here I find myself, ready to approach the path before me and to stop trying to force that path into what I THINK it needs to be. I need to just allow myself to follow my heart, those things we find that feed our souls are usually the paths we are meant to traverse at least for a period of time. <br />
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I am creative, emotional, kind, generous, loyal, sensitive and honest. Creativity is my way of self expression and to stifle my own voice is a disservice to myself. To be true to yourself is to not stifle your own voice. So, back in the saddle I am riding...down the bumpy road of life and treasuring the nuances of the adventure. I am so incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful family to travel the roads of life with me, enjoying the adventures we encounter, and who patiently allow me to stumble, fail and learn. <br />
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I hope you are all enjoying your ride. It is good to be back in the saddle of self discovery.Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-62819925045967911042013-04-18T06:53:00.001-07:002013-04-18T06:53:55.370-07:00No "success" is still progress?!? : Plateaus, bloating and bathroom problems.I have hit another annoying plateau. We all hit them. Some of us hang out around those weights or sizes and it seems no matter what we do we can't break past them. I'm there. Although I was able to get the scale to move past that horrible 205 mark, I can't get it to pass the 203 mark now. It is frustrating to say the least. It is the same with sizes. I'm stuck at that 14 and it won't budge. <br />
THIS IS STILL A SUCCESS!<br />
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How is this a success? Well for one I'm still working at it. And two I'm not gaining. <br />
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I will be totally honest (because that is the whole POINT of this blog right?)...my weight fluctuates GREATLY throughout the week...from day to day and from week to week based on nothing that makes any sense other than, my body is confused. I'm not building muscle or anything like that so lets not get all carried away with the whole "muscle weighs more than fat" because a pound is a pound is a pound.....but a pound of muscle LOOKS better than a pound of fat does. My weight can be 203 one morning and then the next day it will say 206.....the next day it will say 207 and then it will say 203 again. I eat pretty much the same foods every day... I have to because of my dietary restrictions...it just makes it easier to have staples in the house that I CAN eat and that I don't have to try to figure out what to eat. The problem is my "irregularity" I am sure....AND I realized this week that I can't have barley in addition to the wheat. :-( Any time I have anything with wheat or barley I puff up. I get so bloated, so uncomfortable, my stomach is killing me, I get dizzy, migraines, itchy skin you name it....and the bathroom issue strikes too....I end up looking pregnant I am so bloated.<br />
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It turns out that I have more and more signs of Celiac's, the more research I do. It might be time for a new doctor for me, because the one I have seems to be dismissing me again. If you don't have diarrhea then you don't have Celiac's...and yet the #1 dismissed symptom is constipation....hmmmm. Drink more water they say, eat more veggies they say...Um, I don't eat bread or pasta so I eat veggies....and I drink 144-164 ounces of water every day. Try a laxative they say, those don't work on me.....no matter how many I take....which is a major indicator that the patient should be tested for Celiac's. sigh. Regardless of having the diagnosis or not...ever...I won't go back to eating gluten. I just feel so horrible when I eat it. It might not make me lose weight to be gluten free, but at least now my body can heal (it takes about a year for an adult to heal the villi) and I will get proper nutrition from the foods I eat. So that is another type of progress I'm making.<br />
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But, I'm still working at it. I'm not "trying" I AM losing weight. It is slowly and often seems like there is no progress at all.....but even when I don't have a success on the scale, or in dropping a size, I'm still making progress because it is another day that I have made GOOD choices. <br />
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No scale loss or size shrinking or better fitting clothes does not mean you are not making progress or having any success. Sometimes the success if found in that you are not giving up....and this week that is my success.<br />
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Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-83853327801102093192013-04-02T15:52:00.001-07:002013-04-02T15:52:34.092-07:00Wait.....what?!? You need clothes again?Ok so today is a different kind of post. <br />
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Yes, I'm still a fatty, no I didn't exercise today or at all after my last post....ok so I went to the Columbus Zoo on the WORST day (they had a huge Easter event the Saturday before Easter and it was PACKED) and walked for what seemed like 100 miles, but was more like 3. I had Easter with my family up north which was nice and my kids are on Spring Beak but I am not. <br />
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The topic is clothes. How do you dress a body that has...how do I put this....shape?!?<br />
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I find that at 34 years old, 2 teenagers and being in college full time that I dress like I'm 16 still. Chucks, t-shirt, hoodie or sweater.....yup. THAT is what I have been reduced to. I'm too short for the average size clothes, everything must me taken up so that it fits me. Then you have my hips and my chest coupled with a relatively small waist (at least when you compare it to my butt and boobs it is small)....they just don't make clothes for me. Being so short (just barely under 5'2") if it fits my chest it is too big everywhere else....if I get something that doesn't fit too horribly then it is too broad in the shoulders. Then there are the pants, skirts, dresses.....if it fits my hips it is too big in the waist, if I get something that fits my waist I can't get it up my thighs. And don't get me started on my post 2 babies flabby tummy that seems to bulge and sag and wobble no matter what I do. I don't want to have to wear spanx in everything I own just feel like I'm not some disgusting sausage stuffed into a too tight casing. <br />
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Clothing manufacturers don't help any. They market to "the beautiful people"....the "thin" people and then try to get them to be skinnier. I wasn't always extra curvy with a side of curvy....I know, I was "thin" once. Though even by industry standards I was fat, I was a size 2-4...a muscular, yet curvy size 2-4. But I was made to think I was grossly obese. Now that I truly am obese, my options are basically boxy, large clothing in fabrics that remind me of old women and styles that make me look matronly...or thin, flimsy overpriced attempts at giving us something SORT OF like what the beautiful people get to wear. Sure there are a few places that I can find clothing I genuinely like and would wear, Torrid, ModCloth, PinupGirlClothing....but lets face it, $75 for a pair of pants (on the "cheaper" end of things) that will wear through from "chub rub" with in 3 months OR that I will either grow out of or shrink out of in that amount of time is a bit ridiculous. <br />
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I used to love to shop....even though I couldn't dress in all the stuff my friends wore growing up I still loved fashion and always managed to find something I could wear and feel pretty in. Now, I have a panic attack just planning to go shopping....at least if I'm buying for me. First off, I have to drive 45 minutes just to get to a store and try stuff on. Even then there is no promise that they will have anything that fits me ok....pants aren't too bad because the main issue I have with them is the length at Torrid....but shirts, what are they thinking sometimes?!? The shoulders are so broad that I look like a football player. OR they are so shapeless in an attempt to hide imperfections that I end up looking like I'm wearing a potato sack! <br />
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So basically we are to either look like we are 15 or like we are 50. I just want to grab the fashion industry by the neck and shake them...violently. I want to prop their eyes open and force them to see that "fat" girls need cute, flattering clothing that doesn't make them feel worse about themselves. Providing me with unflattering materials (polyester) that do not move, breathe and flow with my curves by skimming them is not going to make me not be disgusting.....it actually makes it more likely that we will end up squeezing into the styles that you DO provide, in sizes that don't fit us just so that we don't walk around naked and further offend anyone. <br />
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Sure we can order online, but then we have to wait 7-10 days to receive clothing that probably won't fit right since we can't try them on..then we have to PAY to send them back and get the "proper" size, which may or may not fit either. Don't even get me started on those "size charts".....really?!? A size XXL in one store is a 4X in another and an XL in yet another. SIGH. I find too that when I measure myself to determine the size they say I wear, it is often WAY too big....or WAY too small when I get it! <br />
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The truth is that I'm 34 years old and I don't want to look 40, I don't want to look 20... I want to look like me. I'm funny, sweet, outgoing, creative, friendly and easy going, I'm a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter and a friend. I'm also a student and like to have comfy days that don't require baggy sweats and my husband's sweatshirts. I deserve to feel beautiful regardless of the size on my label. I deserve to look cute and not like I'm in my 50's. I deserve to feel beautiful regardless of my weight and not hike my pants up to smooth out my belly, topped with baggy sweatshirts and tops which only make me look LARGER. Just because I'm "cursed" or "blessed" with curves doesn't mean I should be ashamed of them because they don't meet the fashion industry's standards of anorexic. <br />
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And this is what I face...4 weeks before my graduation....I don't want to settle for "what fits"... I want to feel like I was able to find something I LOVE rather than just something I "like". I feel like I constantly settle....for what fits and for what I can afford that sort of fits. It doesn't seem fair that those of us that are deemed "fat" not only have to dress ourselves within the parameters of our wallets like the rest of the world, but we also have to work within a set of guidelines that are set for us, in order to avoid causing those around us to vomit, to not offend anyone else and also to be ok with looking either childish or matronly. <br />
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So the search continues......<br />
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At this point I am still determined to not "settle".....I still feel like I have a right to look GOOD for my graduation and for my party afterwards.<br />
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Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-75622105614923611972013-03-28T14:45:00.002-07:002013-03-28T14:45:21.312-07:00I'm a Failure....I am a complete and utter failure. I'd love to get on here and say that isn't true exactly....but I am. I've been a failure, I didn't follow through and I failed. I started out on this workout routine, which I stuck to for a week....I only took one day off....and then the treadmill broke and I got my excuse. <br />
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Needless to say I have not worked out at all since then....and I have gained weight because I also stopped tracking my food like I usually do, decreased my water consumption and replaced it with diet pop and coffee. Yay for me. Yeah not so much.<br />
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So I'm a failure this week. But at least I know WHY I failed when it came to sticking to the workout routine I set for myself and why I failed when it comes to the scale.....so that is a victory in and of itself.....right? I have to remind myself that I can't expect to have a loss every week.....but of course I then remind myself back that I have lost and gained the same 3 pounds over the last month or so anyway. Then I have to remind myself that I can't expect myself to lose weight when I start working out because I'm building muscle...but lets face it, that is only partially true. <br />
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The truth is, I gave up before it was a habit. I gave up because it was hard and I wanted to have it easy....and I have paid the price on the scale for that. And I'm trying to learn that lesson and pick my big butt up and start again. You won't always have success in the forms you want to see it. You won't always have success. It IS hard. It IS hard work that takes dedication and determination and sometimes we are weak and sometimes we give up. <br />
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The only way to reverse the gaining trend I'm on right now is to refocus, rededicate, pick my big butt up and try again. As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day.....well neither was my fat butt....so it isn't going to be demolished and toned in a day, or a week either. <br />
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Yes, I will admit..... I am a complete and utter failure.......and that is ok as long as I don't let myself stay that way. Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-74484251230187918302013-03-19T05:06:00.000-07:002013-03-19T05:06:12.520-07:00Sometimes it is hard.......Sometimes it is hard to admit to ourselves that we are weak. We give up on ourselves so often because we don't want to face the facts that it takes hard work to get anything that is truly worth it. So we struggle for a while with things like working out or dieting and then we give up. Usually we make excuses like "I just don't have time" or "I take the stairs every day so that is my exercise". The truth is, we are weak and we are lazy....we want results with no effort. We want the magic pill that makes it all better. Sometimes it is hard to admit to ourselves that we have flaws and we will struggle, and so we set ourselves up for failure. <br />
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Sometimes it is even harder to admit that we are strong enough. It is easier to just say, "I can't" than it is to say, "I CAN". You CAN change what you don't like. You CAN be a more positive person. You CAN say no to a cookie....face it, that COOKIE has no power....you just have to practice some restraint and say no to yourself. You CAN say yes to 20 minutes of exercise, you just have to MAKE yourself do it sometimes. The truth is, until it becomes a habit it will be hard. It will be hard when you don't see results to keep going. THAT is where you have to tell yourself the honest truth...."I am strong enough to do this".<br />
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Thursday was day one of my new exercise routine...which as I said is a "four letter word" to me...and though I didn't want to some days, I have kept to my promise to myself to not take more than one day off in a week from doing it.....well so far anyway. :-) I took Sunday off. My treadmill decided not to work yesterday when my husband decided he wanted to try my workout too...which meant I couldn't do mine.....now the EASY thing would have been to just NOT work out, but I felt like I was cheating myself out of the body I DESERVE if I did that. So I got on the stationary bike instead. <br />
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The key, I have found, is to be consistent. I won't see success at ALL if I don't stick to it. What do I have to lose besides the weight? I will lose additional pain that comes from feeling like a failure. I will lose additional physical pain that the excess weight puts on my already broken and deteriorating body. The truth is, God gave me this body to take care of while I'm here on earth and I have not been a good steward of this body....not as good as I could be. It is never too late to start.<br />
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I have to remind myself all the time that it takes 4 weeks for you to notice changes in your body, 8 weeks for friends and family and 12 for the rest of the world to see it....so I have to give it 12 weeks before I can "quit". And even then, I know I won't want to. It takes 4 weeks to form a new habit and even longer to break one...so by the time I "can quit" if I don't see any changes in my body, I won't want to because it has become a good habit. :-) There are ways to work around the "easy way out", you just have to find what works for you....for me, it is just doing it and promising myself I will thank me for it later. <br />
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"The hardest lift to do is your butt of the couch"<br />
"No matter how slow you go you are still lapping everyone on the couch"<br />
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Sometimes it is hard to admit that we are weak, but it is harder to admit that we are strong enough. But we ARE strong enough.Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7949303212828166026.post-53178165624716108552013-03-14T22:13:00.001-07:002013-03-14T22:13:37.049-07:00The hardest lift of all is lifting your butt off the couchDay one of my new workout routine.<br />
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Ok so let me preface this with "workouts" and me just don't get along. Oh I like being active, don't get me wrong, but the words "workout routine" and I just have NEVER been "besties"....EVER. I was always a very active kid and an even more active teenager. It wasn't until after I had kids that I found that the level of activity needed to chase after kids was not getting the job done. So like many of us do, I got fatter. I should have gone back to what I knew, to what I loved about the kinds of exercise I had done before...nothing really FELT like exercise and instead I was just having fun. But I can sit here and "should've, would've, could've" myself to death....and let's face it, we all have excuses and "reasons" some valid, some not, for not lifting our butts off the couch and MOVING out bodies.<br />
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Food has never really been a problem for me. I understand and recognize proper portions. I know balanced meals are better than not and HOW to make them...not just slop something on a plate and call it dinner. My mother has always been very health conscious and instilled in all of us kids what GOOD, WHOLESOME and NATURAL food is...what it looks like, what it tastes like and how to prepare it in interesting ways. She did it on a sometimes really tight budget too...and we ALWAYS had extra kids at our house...that woman still amazes me. My dad is a WONDERFUL cook as well, introduced me to exotic meats and seemingly strange ways of preparing it...even wild game. (My dad makes an amazing Alligator Chili BTW), my little brother is a most amazing and creative chef as well, with his degree in Culinary Arts and is always my go to guy for "what wine goes with my dinner" information. So I know how and what to do with food. The more colors on your plate the better.....your plate should be mostly veggies, then lean protein, then little carbohydrates.....yes I know all that...and to be honest MOST of the time that is how I eat. So FOOD isn't so much of a problem.<br />
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My issue has always been that I simply don't move enough for the food that I eat. My body requires fuel, but I usually am not burning all the fuel I am taking in. Or as has been the most recent issue, and the reason for my plateau in weight loss.....I am burning the FUEL but not the reserves! Just walking is not going to cut it any more. It just isn't. It is time to face that. I'm not going to get my sculpted body back just by cutting calories and making better choices on my food. Ok yes, cutting out fried foods and carb heavy meals will HELP me lose pounds on a scale....BUT 120 lbs of flabby thin self is not nearly as cute as 130 lbs of sculpted lean muscle self.....personally I would rather have the latter....the number on the scale just can't be that much of a focus in our lives that we value it over the actual SELF we see. Period.<br />
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So today, I made the attempt to make peace with my nemesis.....Workout Routine.....Oh how I despise thee....and I know the feeling is mutual. I can tell you hate me too by the week of dedication I show you and the non loss I see on the scale and no budge in the measurements....seriously....after a week I generally GAIN weight and my clothes feel tighter not looser! It is like I am wearing my skin a size too small after the first week or two. This is what I find most discouraging about "workout routines". You give 2 weeks......dedicate and stick to it for 2 weeks...and you seem to go backwards. That isn't seeing NO progress that is seeing BACKWARDS progress. It is usually at this point that I give up.....that is if I last that long. The other issue I have with these "routines" is that they are ROUTINES so I feel like I *have* to do them or I'm failing myself and everyone else. The truth is, my muscles hurt, my joints are screaming, by the end of the day (since I try to work out in the morning as much as possible...when I actually do it) I'm so stiff and sore that I can hardly breathe without pain....sleep?!? HA! But today, I decided to try again anyway.<br />
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I don't know what is going to make it different this time. I would like to think that I'm just that much more focused and determined..but I don't know if that is really it. I would like to say that I have really high hopes for the progress I'm going to see in the next 2 weeks....but I don't. Maybe that is sad but I don't. I'm not looking at it and thinking "ok so I'm going to lose 2 pounds each week"....nope...I'm not looking at it and saying "ok I'm going to go down another pant size in 2 weeks"...nope. It doesn't mean I'm not wishing that I would have that kind of success, I'm just not holding out hope for that because I know how this always works with me. I stick to it for a week or two and I give up because I'm not seeing results. THIS time, I'm just trying to STICK TO IT. If all I gain is that my endurance is up from what it was when I started then so be it. If all that happens is I am buffer underneath my protective layer of fat, then so be it. The important thing is that today, I laced up my running shoes and I LIFTED MY BUTT OFF THAT COUCH. I then got on my treadmill.....<br />
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AND I RAN.<br />
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That is right folks, I RAN. I have never in my life ran on a treadmill. Not even at a size 2 did I EVER run on a treadmill. I'm always afraid I'm going to put my eye out. (ha ha my busty gals will understand that one) I always figure skated, swam, danced or tumbled (gymnastics) for exercise..running was not really required. So, I found a 2 week running plan for the treadmill online (Pinterest.....LOVE IT) and I had to modify it a bit for myself but I did it. I did running intervals on my treadmill for the first time in my life. 20 minutes of that done, I moved on to a super basic "Arm workout for beginners" which I again modified but it was to do the bicep curls WITH weights instead of without....and then some of my crunches I normally do. I decided to skip the squats and lunges this week to let my body adjust to the extra workouts. :-)<br />
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So here I sit. SORE. Yet I feel pretty accomplished. I did something I have never done, and I'm going to get up tomorrow and I'm going to do it again. Today just brought me one day closer to the body I not only WANT, but to the body I DESERVE.<br />
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"No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everyone on the couch"~ ?<br />
"The hardest lift of all is lifting your butt off the couch" ~ ?<br />
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"What you give is all you deserve to get" ~ Me<br />
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<br />Emylee Noelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15788711244707813121noreply@blogger.com2