In order to really be successful in achieving my goals for 2012, and finally seeing in the mirror the ME I feel I am inside, I have to face the cold hard facts. This blog is going to show all that I am. As open as I seem to be on the outside, I am really just scared to be honest about my fears, my faults, my struggles and my true lack of confidence and self esteem. Sure I fake it well, I put on the happy front and try to distract others from my less than wonderful appearance. Like everyone, I have secrets and scars far too shameful to be honest about to those who love me. I'm not sure why exactly, maybe because I don't want to let them down, to hurt them with my failures, or to make them feel like they somehow failed me. But the truth remains, I made me this way, I let myself get here...and I'm the only one who can save me. So here goes.....I hope that anyone who reads this finds only inspiration...in knowing that vulnerability doesn't have to be a weakness.
I am fat. We try to sugar coat it for ourselves and say we are pudgy, extra curvy, overweight, chunky....but the UGLY TRUTH is I'm obese. Sure, I don't "look" it I'm told....but I topped out this past summer at 237 pounds. I am 5'2" tall, with a petite bone frame. Which puts me at about 120 lbs overweight. Scary moment. So I started on a weight loss journey in August of 2011. I have managed to take off some and I currently weigh in at 223....progress, but I still find it hard to rejoice in my little success because clothes don't fit and I feel like the hippo in the room.
THIS is my year of change. This year I will no longer make excuses. My "babies" are 13 and 12....this is not "baby weight". Just because I have had two kids, who "moved in and remodeled", I do not have to stay this way. My goals are HUGE...not because I am impatient (though I can be at times), but because that is the honest UGLY TRUTH of my situation. I don't have 25 pounds to lose. I don't have 45 pounds to lose. I have over 100 pounds to lose!
It isn't just about weight though. Sure that is a big part of my lack of confidence, but this journey is about so much more for me. Over the years I have lost ME. It is a never ending cycle. I get depressed, I gain weight, I become more depressed, I gain more weight. I have come to realize that I let the negative comments and mean girls get to me. I was told I was fat, because I was curvy...not a stick model figure. I was 5'2", 120 lbs, 32F chest with a 24 in. waist with shapely, curvy hips....but still I felt fat because I didn't look like "them". I was told I wasn't pretty....because I have red hair and freckles. But it is time that I learn to find the beauty in myself, to love myself...because I never learned how.
::dry tears::
OK so here they are...the GOALS for 2012
In 2012 I will.....
Complete a half marathon
To gain control over my weight
To learn that I am beautiful...no matter my size or shape (and that I have the power to change it)
To be the example my daughter needs to know that she is beautiful and of great worth
To stop making excuses for not following my dreams
To no longer allow my size and my fear of ridicule to keep me from being true to myself
To no longer allow the pain of my past to eat away at my self worth
To stop flip-flipping on my field of study for my degree and to pursue what I am passionate about
To finally realize that my vintage style and classic curves are a blessing, not a curse
I am sure I will come up with more as time goes on.....but these are my main ones at this point.
And so the journey begins...
Inspiring Hun. Love you
ReplyDeleteSo as I read this, I can picture a young girl at the age of 15. Teeny little thing with fiery red hair and enough sass to allow her to show off a backflip in the middle of a skating rink. She never held her tongue, which inspired me to be more blunt and honest myself. She did not have a care in the world. Enjoying life to the fullest and doing what made her happy. Over the years, she let others have power over what she said and did to please them first, putting herself last. She put her needs on the back burner as any good woman does. Then the inevitable happened...she lost herself along the way. She believed that loving others was more important than loving herself. She put her dreams on hold to be the best wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend.
ReplyDeleteNow as a wiser woman, she realizes that the way to make others happy is to be happy with herself. This realization shows that she is ready to finally make a change after all the failed attempts because for the first time, she believes she is worthy of happiness and can reach all the goals she desires no matter how challenging. She is at a point in her life where the people in it are encouraging her dreams and will do what they can to help along the way. But they can't do it for her. Only she has the power to move mountains. They can only be her cheerleading squad in the background. She realizes that life is far too short to keep putting it off to tomorrow. Your honesty inspired my truth (along with NyQuil at 3:30am)
ReplyDeleteCalli, you know me so well. You are right, I am proof of something that happens all too often in our lives. If you do not hold on to your own worth, your own personality and your inner strength then you will lose yourself and wake up one day and wonder...."who am I?" Thank you Calli, for always being there for me, and for encouraging me along this journey.
ReplyDeleteI wish you the best of luck and I pray that I can be inspired by your thoughts and wisdom. I wish the best for both of us in our journey. I hope that my honesty is taken as an attempt to show you how deserving of everything that you are. Don't hide Emylee anymore because the world is getting a little less bright without her sparkling in it. Let her out to shine like you did when you were young and carefree. I love you and I love our friendship of 18 years (my second longest to date). I would wish you good luck, but you don't need it!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Calli ;-)
Thanks Cals. I can't believe we have been friends that long...seems like a lifetime ago but at the same time like it was only yesterday. Love you too. I have faith in you and your journey. Thank you again, for your support in this journey. Thank you to EVERYONE who is encouraging me to take the challenge head on and overcome, heal and succeed.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to watching your progress and being encouraged on my own battle over food. Walking this challenge with you.
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you! I too suffer from similar feelings about myself as I used to have the "perfect body"... (at17 years old) What did that look like you ask...like a little girl with no shape! The truth is I hated ME when I was skinny and I am a self hatter at my current size. I wish you all the success in your journey xoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI love you Em!! You are always an inspiration and amazing person and I've always told you that you are beautiful inside and out regardless of size. Stay strong and stick with it because I know you can accomplish anything you set you heart and mind to. I'm here whenever you need an ear. Best wishes for you always. Rachel
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