Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.....just staying on that track.

The only way to truly find the faults in my eating habits is to track what I eat. When I get down I self medicate. When I'm sad, I eat...when I'm happy, I eat. I eat my feelings....literally.

To day started OK.....Banana in the morning so that I can take the various medications I currently have to take for my Bronchitis and my back pain. Then my usual breakfast of egg whites. Today I decided on 1/2 cup of steamed white rice with one whole egg and 2 egg whites topped with Furikake ( a Japanese rice topping) and a little soy sauce. Lunch wasn't too bad for me. I got a spinach salad with feta cheese, dried fruit and spiced nuts. It was delicious and not too bad on the "points" either.

Had a banana for an afternoon snack.

Dinner, I splurged and had some Chicken strips....only 3 and I had a salad (0 points) and salad dressing that is also 0 points. But then the snacking began. :(

Doritos (I counted them though)
Whole grain toast (which I counted)
Peanut brittle (also counted)

SIGH.....I did go over my "allowed" points, but that's what I have the weekly for...right?

My back is feeling really badly and just standing or walking for more than 2-5 minutes is horribly painful.So exercise is near to impossible right now...but I'm still determined to make it to that Half Marathon this fall....but I just have to settle on which one.

I find that I feel guilty for eating my emotions. If I feel lonely, I eat. If I feel celebratory, I eat. If I'm feeling unattractive, frumpy, homely, plain and completely undesirable, I eat to  stuff down the hurt and shame....which only creates more of it. :(

The never ending cycle of self loathing and destruction...which only creates more shame and therefore more loathing. To be honest I haven't always handled my feelings of insecurity and shame with a quiet sort of dignity. I eat it. And then I feel guilty. To keep from stuffing my face because I feel like I'm fat anyway so what does it matter, I have tried some unhealthy methods. Severe deprivation....skipping meals, eating once a day....half servings of all foods eaten...stuffing my face until I feel like puking and then letting it happen if that is just what point I take it to, becoming extra restrictive on what I eat and probably my most embarrassing and shameful admission of all....an over use of laxatives and diet pills.

I find that I go to extremes. I am an all or nothing person. I don't half-ass anything....even the unhealthy, self destructive things. One diet pill per day, not enough for me.....if I felt hungry, I took 6 at once. No matter how many I had taken last time, or how much time had passed between extreme doses. I don't recommend this method by any means. It left me sick....Anxiety, increased heart rate, shortness of breath and who knows what other issues I might have stemming from the abuse of diet pills over the years. Laxatives didn't start as a weight loss method for me...I'm just not always "regular" and so I would use them to "get things going"...but then I started to rely on them the day before my weigh in so that I could clear out my system and weigh less for weigh in. In the long run I have done serious damage to my body in this desperate attempt to lose weight and be "attractive" with little regard for my actual health and safety.

On the other end of the extreme is the over eating. I'm all in or all out. If I'm all out, I eat everything, huge portions, fatty foods, no exercise....there is no happy medium with me. It isn't about self control for me. I control taking the "easy way" and loading up on gimmicks like diet pills or fad diets. I control the fact that I can monitor what I eat and do it in healthy ways. I have lost weight on WW before and followed my program and lost the weight. I just get lazy. All or nothing.....that is how I diet. But that is also how I do everything in life. It is laziness that I suffer from....that and denial that I am really as overweight and unhappy as I truly am.

THAT is the cycle I am fighting to break within myself. This need to either be in or out. To be fat or thin. My goal is to stop eating my emotions. To stop being lazy and making excuses.

I'm trying to  be honest with myself and with the readers (assuming I have a few) because THIS is a cycle I do not want to continue on any longer.

The only way to have lasting results in ANYTHING in your life is to take the slow and steady path. There aren't any quick fixes, there aren't any magic moments to suddenly cause you to be what you aim for.

I am hoping to start some sort of exercise goal for myself. That is my goal this week....to stay on track, keep blogging (because I find it very theraputic) and to plan out my exercise schedule for next week. (My week starts on Thursday....that is weigh-in day for me.)

2 comments:

  1. One day at a time. Enjoyed reading your blog. Good luck with the goals you have set for yourself. You may want to look into the Half Marathon you want to run and register for it so you have that planned out. You can do it.

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  2. Another great post. What a gift to be able to step back and view your actions and thought processes from a purely objective position. You really seem to know yourself well. I am sure you will accomplish your goals if you continue with all you are doing now.

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