Sometimes you want to just SMACK someone

So it has been a while since I blogged last.....I have had a lot going on. Some good...some difficult. I will most likely blog twice tonight.

 I have not had the success that I wanted to in the beginning (do we ever?) and I was feeling a bit discouraged with the whole process. To be honest, I got a few comments from friends that I just sounded depressed and somehow implying that I am neither appreciative or grateful for the wonderful friends and family that I have. THAT is exactly why I tend to keep my feelings to myself when it comes to my self esteem. It seems that for some reason EVERYONE else is allowed to feel insecure, depressed about where they have allowed themselves to get to in their health/weight/life and to, quite bluntly "bitch" about everything and everyone in their lives that doesn't make them feel stellar....however, apparently I'm not allowed to.

I have bad days. I am insecure. I never learned to truly love myself, regardless of what anyone else thinks, sees (because I put on the good front) or the many attempts by my family and friends to get me to see what they do, I don't. It doesn't make me ungrateful. It doesn't make me unappreciative. It simply means that I have a hard time seeing my own value sometimes. I have a hard time with self esteem and that is just what it is.

Everyone struggles with self esteem at some point in their life. It doesn't mean that they don't appreciate all the kind words their friends and family offer. It just means exactly that...they struggle with SELF ESTEEM. I'm so sick and tired of people acting like me having self esteem issues, or struggling with my self worth is somehow reflective of how my husband views me, or how my parents raised me. It doesn't have anything to do with either!!

I have a wonderful and devoted husband who loves and cherishes me. He finds me beautiful, no matter what my current pant size is. He finds me sexy, in my own little way, no matter how much my "wobbly bits" actually wobble. I have issues with self esteem and self confidence....I feel insecure and awkward. But you see the operative word in these sentences is that I feel that way... I have those issues.....HE DOESN'T. Me having those issues doesn't somehow mean that I value his opinion less, or that I disagree when he pays me a compliment. Quite the contrary... I blush and I thank him....8 years later and I still blush when he pays me a compliment....because I APPRECIATE that he sees me in that light...in a way only HE does.

I am blessed with a very supportive and wonderful family, who always told me I was pretty with my red hair and freckles.....even when other kids said I wasn't. My family has always paid me compliments and supported my many endeavors in the arts....even when I couldn't hold a tune if you put it in a bucket and placed it in my hands....my family was supportive and encouraged me to PRACTICE and improve...and I did. But I still feel insecure and nervous when I sing in front of people....for fear that I am not good enough. Sure, I "know" I'm talented....but I still fear being judged....just like EVERY ONE ELSE!

I wish that it was "OK" for me to be truly honest without someone acting like I should just "get over it"....when they themselves have complained about similar issues time and time again. Why is it that everyone wants me to listen and be supportive of them when they are being "irrational" and reassure them that they are wonderful and beautiful and special....but if I even open my mouth (or blog...post on Facebook) anything that is anything besides "sunshine, unicorns, rainbows and glitter", then I'm having a "pity party" or that I am somehow in need of being "set straight" because I seem to be "forgetting" or "ignoring" that I have a wonderful life with wonderful people in it who love me for me and not what I look like...or don't look like.

I KNOW what I have... I KNOW I am blessed....I am very grateful and appreciative of what I have been given, the love I have in my friends and family and the support that I receive. But I am allowed to feel what I feel....and I should be allowed to voice that without being "set straight" as if I am an ungrateful child. I'm not a child....and I'm not ungrateful.

I am truly blessed to have such a supportive and loving husband....who reads my blog and listens to my inner demons rear their ugly heads and gnash their foul, sharp teeth at my tender heart and soul. A husband who simply hugs me, tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful to him....and simply lets me feel what I feel, without it making him feel like he failed to "fix" me.

I am incredibly lucky to have parents who have endured my teen years (when these feelings were infecting my very core) and told me I was beautiful and talented and that they loved me...no matter what. Parents who READ this blog, in all its gross and painful honesty and see the beauty in that vulnerability....and commend me on my attempt to be strong and be honest with the one person I find it hardest to be honest with......myself.

I'm lucky to have that. I am blessed and I am grateful for it.....but I still feel insecure, I still see someone who is fat and unattractive....I see a plain jane

THAT is why I write this blog....for me. To work through these issues I have, to show others that it is ok to have the feelings you have, that you have to own them and process them. It is important to not feel GUILTY for having those feelings of insecurity. The things that people say, implying that I'm ungrateful and unappreciative....just makes me feel guilty...it makes me feel like maybe I'm not grateful enough....and so I PUT ON the happy face, put up the front and PRETEND that I'm not hurting....To  b completely HONEST with you all, I think that a truly supportive person, would not try to make me feel guilty for expressing real, honest and raw emotions like I am in this blog. I wish that more people would be the supportive and understanding friend/family that they expect/want others to be...."What you GIVE is all you DESERVE to get"