This weekend I took some time off from my normal exercise routine and spent the weekend walking around Cedar Point with my husband and some friends. Had a BLAST! I decided to take some time off of "obsessing" over my diet as well because I just seem to get so hyper focused that I tend to not really ENJOY my life when it comes to food. I tend to look at food as the enemy. I like great food, have a chef for a brother, bake and cook as much as I can, and I love to enjoy it with friends. However, when we have a family breakfast or dinner I find myself stressing over how every tiny bite will make me fatter instead of enjoying the time with the people around me as much as I really want to be. Holidays are bad too because I want to make all these yummy and creative desserts and beverages but then I just start thinking of how HUGE I already am and that those things will just make me worse. I know this is normal to a degree and that everyone has those thoughts and stresses.
I worried that in "forgetting" about my diet (though I didn't completely throw it out the window), and not being anally committed to my workout and instead spent the time walking and taking lots of stairs, that I would see a gain on the scale yet again...because let's face it, that is usually how life goes for me. If I work my hardest, no "cheating", all the right workouts, tons of water..... I gain a pound to two or I stay the same. If I throw my "diet" and workout out the window and drink all sorts of other beverages then I gain 2-4 pounds or stay the same......either way I either gain or I stay the same. I could LOOK at a piece of pie and gain weight. My husband could eat a whole pizza and I would gain 5 pounds. SERIOUSLY it is discouraging.....but I promised myself I would make healthy choices but not fixate this weekend and just enjoy the time.
I got on the scale this morning to find that I had lost a pound! I broke through the plateau I was at and actually lost a pound. I know it is possible (and in all honesty fairly likely) that I will gain that pound back.....but as long as I am sticking to making healthy choices and keeping my body moving then even if the scale doesn't move in the direction it "should" then I am doing things right. I DID put on a pair of pants today that I wore to my grandfather's funeral back in February which were tight and I had to wear some girdle undies and they were STILL uncomfortably tight.....and they fit......without the girdle panties. :) Which made me feel better about my progress. :)
I feel like I am seeing some positive changes in my life. I know that I just don't view myself in a healthy way, and try as I might to just shut that off I know that it will be a long time (if ever) before I can look at myself without picking myself apart. It is a process and some of us just have to spend our lives battling that inner voice and shutting up the negative "fat girl" on the inside. I think I beat myself up for being so heavy because I feel like I failed. I "used to be" thinner, I "used to be" cute, I "used to be" curvy in a sexy way not a lumpy way, I "used to be" , I "used to be", I "used to be".... There will come a point where I no longer feel the need to say "I used to be", but I'm just not there yet.
I know that a lot of my friends don't think I have as much to lose as I do. They seem to believe that my goals are just too extreme. The truth is that I have ALWAYS weighed more than I looked like I do. It is just how my body is. I am "lucky" to carry my weight well and my large chest well. It is a blessing and a curse. Telling me I'm crazy for saying I have at least another 90 pounds to lose might seem like a "nice" thing to say, but really it just ends up feeling like sabotage. Contrary to what people seem to think (because they SAY it to me), I will NOT look anorexic or be "too skinny". I have a muscular, thicker, curvier body type with strong, toned, full curves over VERY petite, almost child sized bones. Just because you THINK you are paying someone a compliment by saying that they don't look like they need to lose what they need to lose, doesn't mean you are helping. You are actually HURTING their success because you aren't being very supportive of their efforts and the long journey they have ahead of them. I didn't set my goal for myself, it was set by my doctors after knowing my bone structure, type, density, muscular build, height, age....etc.
I will get there, the journey is long, hard and full of setbacks. But the important thing is that I am ON the journey and sticking to it...learning along the way that I AM worth it, I DO deserve it, and the work will be worth the pay off at the end of my journey...though my journey never really ends. lol
Every day I remind myself:
"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch"
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