Friday, August 10, 2012

Blogging: Why I do it

I have health conditions that make weight slow to come off in the beginning. I know how to work out, I know how to eat right. I coached gymnastics for 8 years, was a figure skater, swimmer, this isn't anything new to me. I have many friends who are personal trainers and a nutritionist at my disposal as well. My brother is an amazing chef I can call any time for advice and tips.

I didn't have a major weight issue until I was in my 20's, AFTER I had children and my hormones went awry. As a matter of fact I was always strong, fit, toned, curvy and a size 2-5 depending on the brand of clothes. At 18 I got married to my ex-husband, moved to the other side of the world and lived a very secluded life. He was hard on my self esteem and never allowed me to be as active as I was before, causing some weight gain. Which then in turn started the downward spiral. When he left 6 years later I was a young 20-something with 2 small children, working long hours to support the 3 of us. I lost a lot of weight and kept it off for several years...but it proved more difficult to keep off as I was unable to be as active as my body craved. Still, I was a good 80 pounds overweight when I met my current husband. When we started dating I guess I got "happy" and lost track of my weight for a while as a lot of us do. I gained about 30 pound that first year. I lost nearly 60 pounds in a year for our wedding. I CAN do this again. I only gained my weight back because I got sick, had emergency surgery, moved 2300 miles across the country and had my clinical depression creep back up. I have been battling a lot of health issues which regardless of the amount of work I do, weight will be slow going.

The point of my blog isn't to whine about what isn't going right and get "advice", or to get compliments from others when I'm feeling down. We all feel down at times, feel like we failed, pull ourselves back up and move forward. My POINT in doing this blog is to be HONEST about the feelings we ALL feel when trying to get healthy and change things in our lives that we have allowed to control us. It is about having that space in the world that I am able to simply be honest with myself. I hope that my honesty about how I struggle, find a way to pick myself up, find the motivation in myself and love myself more than I love good food, will speak to others who are on their own journey. I hope that it brings a sense of camaraderie for those who know what to do, know how to do it, have done it before and simply struggle with the motivation in themselves to keep going.

It is about being honest, not getting compliments or people to soothe my bruised ego. I am where I am because of choices I made. I am here because of circumstances out of my control as well, but my choices on how I handle those circumstances put me where I am. I have tried diet plans, workout regimens and having people tell me what I "have" to do to be successful. The truth is, that doesn't work for me. It doesn't work LONG term for most people. I HAVE it in myself. I know my body. I know what works and what doesn't work for me. I think for a lot of us, and most of us who have not always had a weight problem, we know what doesn't work for us. Seeking out someone else to "fix" what is broken in us and "make" us successful isn't the answer. We just have to apply what we know to our lives and not allow anything to derail us.

 I have a friend, I will just call her H, who always had a weight problem. We have been friends our whole lives...literally. We are like sisters, or super close cousins who lived down the street and grew up at each others' houses. She has always been one of the most beautiful people I know. She has the biggest heart, the sweetest spirit, the best laugh and the kindest nature. She was always a little bit bigger than the other girls, taller, larger boned, more muscular and a bit heavier. And then one day she found herself to be obese. She NEVER let others see the pain she was in. Those friends closest to her would hear a little from her about how she didn't like being overweight. H embraced the identity that was assigned to her by the outside world as the "big girl" and had such grace about it. Then she just decided she was DONE with that identity. She just got to that point that she decided she wasn't willing to accept the hole someone else put her in. H worked her butt off....literally. She never let anything get her down or derail her. We would all be hanging out, planning to go see a movie or something but she  would always decline if it was going to force her to skip a workout or reschedule it. No matter how much we prodded, told her it wouldn't kill her to do it later, she would refuse. "I work out at 8pm EVERY day" she would say. Either she had to be home by 7:45 pm or she couldn't leave until 9:30pm to see a movie. (Seeing as I was the only one out of HS at that point, we had to choose the first one unless it was And you know what? She lost the weight. ALL of it. Years later she found herself back in the same situation. H had gained all the weight back, and then some. But she never gave up. She never complained. She just found a fix, told just a handful of family and really close friends what she was doing and did it. Now, her outsides match her insides again. Now the world sees the beautiful person we have always known she was. :)

So you see, like H would do, I am simply doing what I know works for me. It will be slow going. It always is for me in the beginning. The important thing isn't HOW if I'm healthy about it. It isn't about "getting right in the head" for me. My head is what it is, and even THIN and HEALTHY my head is a pain in the butt with the thoughts. I have major issues with my body, no matter my size. I have a few other friends who have dealt with similar issues with their bodies and have Body Dismorphic Disorder, BDD, and no matter how healthy they are, no matter what people say, or they tell themselves otherwise, they will forever battle the negative thoughts....just like I will. Only those who deal with BDD understand how these thoughts and "voices" never go away. You simply have to manage them. THAT is the reality of my every day life. I have to shut up the thoughts and "voices" by exercising or writing or venting to a close friend....though usually I vent to my Husband. :)

I write because it is therapeutic. It gets it out, allows me to SEE it for what it is and move forward. I recognize, acknowledge, dismiss and move forward. :)

 Because at the end of then day:

No matter how slow you go,  you are still lapping everyone on the couch.

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