Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Two steps forward, one step back

I have been really good about getting at least an hour of cardio and 20 minutes of crunches and squats in every day. I have also been great about watching my calories in to calories out. No snacking, no eating out of boredom.....and I have lost some weight. Only go gain some back every couple days. SIGH

I have reached that point in my weight loss where there just isn't any getting past it! I know that once I break that barrier (that perpetual plateau we all hit at various places in our journey) the weight will start to just fall off...until I hit the next perpetual plateau. But MAN is it irritating, frustrating and completely discouraging. I have lost 13 pounds since LAST August. In a year I have managed to lose 13 pounds. SIGH I should be happy for the success, because a loss is a loss and in the face of all I have had to deal with for the last year, I'm lucky I didn't gain 30 pounds. But it is so hard to feel like it is a success. This time last year I weighed the most I have ever weighed. I'm fighting to stay on track. I'm battling an overwhelming feeling of failure. But I'm battling and I guess that is a good thing.

There are times I feel like it is pointless. But I still get on the stationary bike and cycle my first 30 minutes. There are times I feel like it is hopeless. But I still get on the floor and start my crunches and do my squats. There are times I feel like a joke....just the fatty kidding herself into thinking she will ever be pretty. But I get back on that bike for my second 30 minute ride. Some days I want to stay in my PJ's, refuse to eat or just stuff my face all day.....but I FORCE myself to get in my workout clothes. Sometimes that is as far as I get in the morning and it isn't until after lunch that I can force myself to do my workout.... but I force myself knowing that after I'm done I will feel like I accomplished something, even if the scale says I gained the same darned 2 pounds I lost before.

It is discouraging when you KNOW you aren't "cheating", when you KNOW you are getting at least an hour of cardio to burn fat and sometimes push yourself for 2 hours of cardio. It is depressing when you put on clothes that should be too big (you think) now that you have been dedicated for a good month on the workout and diet......and they still fit. :( It is hard to feel attractive when everything out there tells us that being overweight or fat is unattractive. We are told Thin is beautiful and Fat is repulsive. We are taught to find our self-worth in our size....and we scrutinize everyone, holding them up against ourselves to see where we fall in comparison.

 I love fashion, I always have....but it is depressing to look at clothes and imagine yourself wearing cute outfits when you know they won't look  the same on you because you are overweight. Even "plus size" fashion is shown on women who are super tall. So even though they might wear the same size NUMBER as I do, they are tall and therefore have a flat stomach, shapely hips (but not large bulging hips), no double chin or chunky legs or arms. Sure they are "thicker" than skinny waif models but they certainly don't look like the majority of "plus size" women. So I know even THOSE outfits won't look right on me, I have too many areas that bulge and wobble.

All this is discouraging and frustrating, but at least I'm not giving up. I might be taking a step back for every 2 I take forward but at least I'm moving.

"No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everyone on the couch."

1 comment:

  1. you can do this! You know that you have to change up your workouts every 6 weeks because your body being the machine it is, its a smart machine. Plus with your workouts you have to eat more to lose weight. That is why it is super duper important to have a fitbit or a bodybugg or a nike fuel band because you have to know exactly what you are burning and base your calories in vs calories out on the exact number. The other thing that will help you is weight training 3x per week. Websites can take your body weight and height and activity to give you an estimate of what you burn but unless you wear a calorie tracker, you really dont know and that is how people get frustrated with the rollercoaster of weight loss. The other thing you have to take into account is your genetics. There is this lady in turbo kick who is in a lot of the fitness informercials because she has 7 kids twins and quads plus a singleton and shes a freak of nature seriously because she is like a size 2! But she says its her genes that make her body bounce back the way it does. So dont beat yourself up and you know I have been there. I did not lose weight until i flipped the negative self talk switch in my head even if i thought it was bs and til I got a fitbit so I could determine my calorie burn with how much i could eat for the day to lose weight. I promise you that if you do the weights 3x per week plus cardio, along with a fitbit (its the cheapest one without a monthly subscription on a web site and it works with my fitness pal) or something like it, you will see results. The other thing is after you start lifting weights, make sure NOT to weigh for two weeks because your muscles will be swollen which causes you to retain water causing the scale to weigh heavier. I promise you will not bulk up if you do weight training. If you want to know anything, know i am here for you. I have a wealth of information at my disposal and if I do not know something I can find the answer for you. I highly suggest you read Push by chalene johnson. It will help you reach your goal of weight loss. If you need a vent buddy you can call me! hugs