Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Sometimes you have to step back and get on track

I know, it has been a while since I was last on here posting. I have had to take a step back, recenter, refocus and get back on track. The important thing is that I did it and I'm back. :-)

7 weeks ago, I went back to my Weight Watchers meeting. Although I had managed to lose and keep off 12 pounds from last summer, when I was at my heaviest weight, the scale wasn't moving in the downward direction overall. I was dieting, counting calories,  making sure they were healthy calories and getting regular exercise. As a matter of fact I was doing an hour and a half of cardio and a half hour of strengthening exercises 3-5 days a week....with no real success. I was discouraged, depressed and ashamed of my "failures". I felt hugely fat and disgusting. I HATED what I saw in the mirror. So it was time to step back, and get back on track with Weight Watchers as my guide.

My doctor also told me he wanted me to be completely Gluten Free for the next two months. Great, so now what am I going to eat on Weight Watchers?!? Well it has made me really think more about what I eat, I snack less, and I have consistently lost weight EVERY week. (This week when I weigh in on Thursday, it will be my 7th week) I know there will probably come a point where being gluten free doesn't necessarily help with weight loss but at this point it is because there are a lot of things in my house that are "off limits" due to my dietary restrictions. When I see my Doctor later this month we will determine if being gluten free is the way I have to eat now. If it is, I don't think it will be too hard. I just have to keep options for myself in the house, check the nutritional content when I go to a restaurant etc.

So here we are, 6 full weeks at WW under my belt again and I am down 6 pounds. Although I haven't shrunk a size yet, nor have I seen a difference in my face and body, I FEEL better knowing that I'm doing something that will work long term. I have done it before, I can do it again. Yes, it will be harder this time. I am older (by 4 years) than I was when I lost all that weight for our wedding on WW, I started heavier than I did last time (by 5 pounds....though my HEAVIEST was summer 2011 and I managed to lose 12 pounds on my own...so I consider myself as starting 17 pounds heavier), I am down an internal organ....which mind you, they tell you your gallbladder isn't "necessary" but I ate BETTER and got MORE exercise than I did before it was out and I gained 40 pounds in about 2 months...so yeah. I know it won't be easy, but don't I owe it to myself to get healthy, feel good about myself and set an example for my kids? I think so.

As women we are always telling our friends and family, "your worth doesn't lie in a number on a scale or the size of your pants" and we always say "oh you aren't fat"...and then we turn around and belittle ourselves. Yes, my family and friends think I'm pretty....no I don't feel pretty. It doesn't mean that I'm not, it is just that I don't FEEL my best. It isn't putting myself down to say I'm fat, I'm admitting the truth. To an addict we say, "the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem", why do we insist that it is "self abuse" to say "I am fat" when clearly we are?!? My WORTH doesn't lie in the number on the scale or the size of my clothes, but my self esteem is damaged by it and by the way that we as a society shame those who are overweight. Shaming doesn't make those who are overweight lose weight by the way, it makes them eat their emotions. We are already ashamed, we are already eating our pain, the rejection, the judgemental stares....we already self medicate with food. It really isn't necessary to ADD to it.

When a friend or family member says "I'm fat and ugly" then why not respond with "you are beautiful, if you don't like your weight, change it". Now granted there are always going to be those who aren't really ready to change it. They usually will make an excuse as to why they can't lose weight. I struggle with it, it is harder because of my health conditions, but I'm still doing it....slowly and with LOTS of set backs, but I'm doing it. Not for you, not for "them" but for ME. So I can FEEL pretty, so I can feel like I stand out for reasons other than how heavy I am, so I can feel like the stares are for good reasons not my weight, so when I go out with my husband I don't feel like people are wondering why he is with someone so fat.

As women we need to encourage each other, not compete with each other. As women we need to hold our friendships close, and welcome those who seek friendship. We need to offer support in all our endeavors and openly receive it from others. We do not have to "go it alone", we do not have to be "super woman", it is ok to say "I fail" and "I'm flawed", most importantly it is ok to say "I need help".

"Imperfection is beautiful and beauty is imperfect....be beautiful today"~Me
"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch"~Anonymous

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