Thursday, October 17, 2013

When the term "Friend" is one-sided...letting go of those who only care about what you do for them.

No, this is not about appearance, or weight, or self esteem in any way....however I feel that it still pertains to this journey I'm on to rediscover myself. I have spent much of my life seeking out valuable, strong, sincere and genuine friends. I always seem to end up in these "friendships" where I'm taken for granted, used, competed with, manipulated and serving as the therapist and the one woman cheering section for a ONE WOMAN SHOW that I play no real part in. I have come to a point in my life where I'm starting to realize that the common factor in these cases being my "norm" is me. I don't CAUSE them to be backstabbing, self-centered, pathetic whining women who need to be coddled constantly and only interested in how things affect THEM. What I DO however is enable that behavior because I'm 1.) Genuinely a kind and caring person   2.) Naturally a nurturer who refuses to see another human being suffer 3.) Consistently guilty of insisting on seeing the good in everyone, even when they are treating me poorly 4.) Fear confrontation (which is why I allow the behavior to continue for YEARS before I say something...if I say something at all) 5.) Want to see others succeed just as much as I want to succeed myself  6.) Will constantly do for others at the expense of myself. It is for that reason that this blog post is crucial to me "finding myself". This is a part of me that is relatively new for me to find and embrace. It requires me to be "mean" in a way and tell people things that they have done or said that were rude, unkind, untrue, manipulative, hurtful etc. It means I have to tell other people things they do not want to believe about how they are perceived by others, present themselves to others or how things they do affect others. This post is about stepping back and realizing that there are some people in our lives who will NEVER appreciate what it means to be a friend. They are ONLY interested in the GOOD you give them. They are selfish, narcissistic, petty, shallow, needy and don't realize that they truly only care about themselves. In fact, some people are such pathological liars that they no longer can recognize a lie from the truth and will turn on anyone in a heartbeat if they are no longer receiving this "one-sided friendship" they require. 

Sometimes you have to step back and recognize that there are some people who will never be a true friend...not because they refuse but because they are unable to look past their own self-centered nature. Try as you might, they will always refuse to see how they have wronged you, taken you for granted, used you, cared little about you and will continue to play victim for sympathy and as a means of manipulation. They will hide behind "good intentions" and refuse to believe that an apology is still owed when you go above and beyond for them, focus your entire friendship around THEM and coddle their overly needy tendencies and sooth their ridiculously low self esteem. These are the types of "friends" who will suck you dry and when you refuse to continue to enable their narcissistic, shallow, petty, constantly whining behavior and insist that they take responsibility for their childish, rude, inconsiderate, selfish, shallow, materialistic, manipulative behavior as well as their continual pathological lying and sense of entitlement, they will turn on you and say they "did nothing wrong" and "owe you no apology"...and play victim to someone else. Tread lightly, choose those you call FRIEND carefully and invest only in those who not only appreciate who and what you are as an individual and a friend, but who will GIVE in return not just TAKE from you. It is a sad realization to come to, for sure. However, sometimes it is a truly liberating place to be in your life. You realize in that moment that you have been allowing someone to kill your joy, to steal your sense of value as a friend because all they really care about is themselves, what others can do for them, give to them and provide for them. It is a hard choice to make, not to let go of people like that, but to let them go with love. People continually say, Karma will come back to haunt reap what you sew...etc. While this is true, I am not afraid of that happening for me. My position is a valid one and it is the truth. The one who should be afraid of "Karma" or "consequences" is the person who lies to get what they want, manipulates others to get what they did not work for, whines for handouts from people and constantly TAKES from relationships and plays the victim. Being honest does not warrant such selfish, childish games that some people play. For me, I'm finally from fake friends who are only interested in themselves, constantly in competition with those they call their "best friend" and who take shallow stabs at them to make themselves feel better about themselves. I'm done giving to those who do not give back or who only give in order to GET from me. I'm too old for crap like that. It is time for grown-ups to be grown-ups. You have to GET OVER YOURSELF before you can have TRUE friendships and LASTING relationships. Sometimes you have to step back and realize that the mistakes you make in friendships (which results in not being able to keep close friends very long) is similarly related to the reason why you can't find your "dream man" and your "perfect romance".  Personally, I'm tired of the games that women play in friendships. I'm sick and tired of being treated like a therapist and advice column and yet when I need to vent, bounce an idea off them etc, I'm not permitted to because it isn't about them. Relationships are give and take.....they can't be one-sided....I have allowed the one-sided friendship to continue for FAR too long.

To be an adult, to have maturity, does not require one requires many things. Being able to admit when you are wrong, not taking advantage of others, not lying to get what you want, not putting others down to make yourself appear better or feel better, not disrespecting their marriage or their friendship, not constantly making everything about you, not using others, not being only interested in how much money they make, what they can buy for you, whether or not they can bail you out every time you fail, not acting like a pathetic and desperate person who is ALWAYS the victim, not refusing to take responsibility for your actions regardless of the intent (because let's face it, you may not INTEND to slam a finger in the door but you still owe them an apology for it!)....not only are these traits signs of maturity, they are necessary for the basis of a TRUE friendship and also for a lasting romantic relationship. Without these (as well as MANY others) you WILL NEVER have security in a friendship or a relationship and you will continue to wander this world constantly searching for something to fill the void. The same goes for allowing others to get away with NOT possessing these traits. You are just as responsible for allowing others to be less than a friend, continually stepping your level of friendship up in the hopes that they will suddenly see your worth, realize they have been a SH*TTY friend, that every THING and every CONVERSATION is focused on and centered around them, and that they will FINALLY be the friend you truly deserve.

It is hard to walk away from people, but I have found it allows me to say "I am worth more than this. I deserve a friend who does not disrespect my marriage, my friendship with them, who doesn't take me for granted, who wants me to succeed, who is my therapist just as much as I am theirs.... I deserve better than this person is giving me....and it isn't WRONG for me to admit that." I deal with a lot of guilt when it comes to the crappy friends I have had in my life....and my crappy marriage to my ex. I tend to blame myself for the horrible things they do and say, about me and to me. Part of my journey to find myself, is letting go of that guilt. I'm not ok with "one-sided friendships"....and I refuse to be your enabler anymore. Your ISSUES are not mine, your GUILT is not mine, your MONEY PROBLEMS aren't my responsibility, your LONELINESS which results in your PATHETIC, SLUTTY and DESPERATE behavior is not my responsibility, your PATHOLOGICAL LYING is your karma to deal with not mine, your LACK of self esteem and self worth are not my issues to deal with, your need to have everything constantly CENTER around you and your delusional addiction to fantasy and the constant attempts at manipulation  in order to get others to live out or feed your fantasy are YOUR shortcomings, not mine.

Thank GOD I have my small handful of true friends. We genuinely want each other to succeed....we genuinely want each other to be happy.....unlike some people who simply want their "friends" to be happy and successful so long as they aren't happier or more successful than they are (Because THAT isn't TRUE friendship). To my friends who are TRUE, I love you and I'm thankful for you all. To my mom and my sister who have always been TRUE friends to everyone they meet, I thank you for always having the patience necessary to demonstrate what it means and looks like to be a TRUE friend.

 To those who perhaps feel like this blog post might be about them.....well maybe then YOU need to step back and take a long hard look and ask yourself:

Have you been on the receiving end of a "one-sided friendship" ?

If my post offends you, makes you angry, hurts your feelings or feels like it is about you, then maybe you know you aren't being a good friend to me, or to someone else, or a good daughter or sister. Maybe it is time you start apologizing to them for taking them for granted, using them, manipulating them to get what you want, looking for hand outs, disrespecting their marriage, being an embarrassment in public situations with your constant neediness and your pathological lying. Maybe you need to stop looking for someone to "take care of you" and to "validate your worth" and to "shower you with praise and compliments and gifts" and start BEING the friend they deserve.

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