Sunday, September 15, 2013

Back in the saddle again.....

Well things around here have been truly nuts. Since my last post we went on a vacation, started school and found out that I have to have spinal surgery. Lovely. So I guess I will take this post to catch you all up on what all that has entailed for me.

In August my husband, his parents, aunt, best friend, a friend of mine and myself all went on a cruise to Progresso Mexico to see Chichen Itza, and to Cozumel, Mexico. Afterwards we went New Orleans for a few days. As usual we had a blast on all accords and of course I had a camera attached to me pretty much 24/7. :-) It was nice to not hate every photo taken of me this time. On our last trip (2011), I ended up not really wanting any photos taken of me because I felt so hideously huge. At the size I am now, I'm much more comfortable in my own skin and have finally started to be more accepting of my own flaws and have continued working on not comparing myself to others. I'm not totally ok with it all, granted I still have a lot to work on in that regard, undoing years of self-abuse takes time...the important thing is that I'm working towards it and just picking myself back up and starting again each time I "fail".

It has been assumed by my doctors that my stomach issues, migraines, skin reactions etc is chalked up to Celiac's. No official diagnosis has been obtained but that is what they keep writing in my chart. Regardless I will never eat gluten again. That being said, I was a bit concerned about eating while on our trip....was I going to be reduced to salad for lunch and dinner and eggs for breakfast every day?!? Turned out that I wasn't. :-) The cruise ship was very helpful and provided me with many choices....even desserts. In New Orleans I found that every restaurant was helpful and provided choices for me as well. The only thing I couldn't eat in New Orleans that I really wanted was beignets. But honestly I didn't feel too deprived with everyone eating them around me. I'm pretty used to it by now. :-) I also have given up pop recently. I cut it out cold turkey in July...right after my birthday. Since then I can count on one hand how many times I have had one...and every time, regardless of whether it is regular or diet, I am sick. As a matter of fact, recently at my nephew's birthday party I had one diet pop (it was a Saturday) and it wasn't until Wednesday evening or Thursday morning that I felt "normal" Tea, Coffee, Water and Juice for me only. Which is fine. Mostly I drink water though....and no mix-ins anymore. I really just don't handle NutraSweet or anything that isn't pure sugar. And yet there is something else going on with my body in that department as well....when I eat sugar it jacks with my stomach/ that is pretty sucky too. :-( It is like I'm going to end up eating Macrobiotic food now.

We all got back into Ohio, Kids came home from California and we came home from the cruise, and immediately the kids were off to school and we have French club, Steel Band, Marching Band, Wind Ensemble, Choir, Spanish club, Morning announcements, AP classes, 4H and Boy Scouts. And that is just the kids. Ben also has work and school....and I have started my classes at OSU.

We found out that for sure I have to have surgery on my back in the midst of all of this getting started. Originally they wanted to have my surgery in August...on the first day of school for me and the kids. So instead I pushed it back to December so that I also have the full 4 weeks after the end of the Fall semester until the beginning of the Spring semester to recover and I won't have to miss any school. They are going to be replacing 2 discs and putting in 2 rods and 6-12 screws in my lower back to stabilize the  movement that is occurring that isn't supposed to and to alleviate the pressure on my nerves which is causing constant pain and intermittent loss of feeling. Yeah no fun. But I have a great support system so I know I will be ok. The only thing that has been freaking me  out though is the fact that I can't ride my bike for a year after surgery. A YEAR. So I'm panicking about trying to control my weight with  nothing but diet. That fear starts to kick in you know? How in the world am I going to lose weight I still have to lose if I'm unable to exercise? Surely starving myself isn't the way to go and abusing diet pills isn't either. I really don't want to revert back to old habits or ways of thinking. I can feel the anxiety and depression looming over me, just waiting for the moment that my surgery is over and I'm left sitting on the sofa (when I'm not doing my necessary walking therapy) and my rear end growing back to 240 lbs.

It is with that fear that I am back in the saddle again. Back on here to vent and admit my shortcomings and my strengths. I have a long way to go still. But I have come a long way. Having PCOS and being insulin resistant makes losing weight really difficult for me. As doctors have put it to me, every pound I lose is like losing 2-3 for an "average" person...someone without PCOS.  I do better with my diet when I track, so I got back on which is a website that is free and I can track what I'm eating and doing for matter how small I can do. Yet I'm still terrified that I will go backwards. I managed to do really well over the summer with my weight and didn't gain while on our cruise...amazing right? However, my back being in as much pain as it has been has kept me from exercising which has caused me to bump up just slightly back into the 200 pound range instead of being solidly under it like I was. It has taken a lot of self control not to beat myself up for that. The doctors all said that I'm just going to have to suck it up because there isn't going to be a lot I can do about not being able to exercise if I'm in so much pain. They said, keep watching my diet, exercise when I can, and wait until after I have been given the Ok by them to get into the full swing of serious cardio again. UGH.

So there you have it. What has been going on with us, where things stand for me and how I'm dealing with it all. :-)  A bit of a boring post I know, but a necessary one to clear my mind, refocus and keep going. That is all we CAN do isn't it? Set our eyes on our goals and just keep going. So that is exactly what I'm doing.

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