Tuesday, July 29, 2014

And Then Life Happens.

Life has really thrown  me some curve balls lately. After dealing with the healing from spine surgery, 6 months to the day after that surgery I had another procedure. For years I have dealt  with the pain of Endometriosis and the complications of the PCOS. I had to have a partial hysterectomy and had another month of recovery and sitting on my butt to heal from that.

When I went into hospital for surgery on my back December 11th, 2013 I was not happy with the number on the scale. The year leading up to my surgery had left me unable to do much physically and though I knew logically that recovering from major spine surgery was going to take a while, I was not prepared emotionally for that journey. I don't know if I thought I would bounce back quickly and be as physically able as I was 15 years ago or what...but that wasn't what it was like. I wasn't prepared for how weak and easily exhausted my muscles and entire body would end up being.

It has been so slow going and I was finally allowed to start really exercising. Well, I was allowed to ride my stationary recumbent bike that is. Just after I was released to do so, I ended up needing to have a hysterectomy due to the extreme and increasing condition of my endometriosis. Of course that meant that I had to take it easy for another month to allow myself to heal.

It is hard to continue on a path you set for yourself when life throws what feels like the impossible roadblock at you time and time again. Sometimes we fail. I know that I could say that I did during this time. Over the last 7 months I have put on some weight, I've grown more tired and discouraged each time I got dressed and clothes didn't fit or when I stepped on the scale and saw a number I had hoped I would never see again. I could say that I failed, but I refuse to see it as a failure.

Failing is easy. Throwing your hands up and saying "oh well, I failed" and giving up is easy. Making excuses is easy. My health makes it hard, yes but not impossible, even if it feels that way. The fact that I had to relearn how to walk, shave, shower, put my shoes on, dress and even use the restroom completely on my own and in new ways to accommodate the rods, screws and metal plate in my back is NOT a failure. So weight didn't come off while I was recovering and I even put on a little bit, but I didn't put on 50 pounds and that is a success. Making excuses, even valid ones, is easy. It is easier than trying and feeling like a failure. It is easier to hide behind weight than to allow yourself to be vulnerable and exposing yourself to the world when you try and don't succeed. 

I learned a few things over the last 7 months while healing from back surgery and a hysterectomy.

1) Success is not just seeing a number on the scale go down or buying smaller clothes.
2) Not everyone who says they are on your side actually wants to see you succeed.
3) Negativity has to be eliminated. Negative people and negative thoughts have no place in my life anymore.
4) The only thing really standing in my way is ME.

And so......
1) I'm celebrating the little things, even when the scale doesn't move in the direction I want.
2) I'm paying attention not only to the words other people say to me, but to their actions. If your actions don't show that you are genuine then I'm done waiting for them to suddenly be genuine.
3) It was with a heavy heart that I had to step back and take a look at people in my life and I realized that there were several people who truly were not positive people for me. They were not true friends and honestly they never were. Sadly I had to let go of them because the negativity was weighing on me so greatly.
4) I'm no longer going to stand in my own way. I'm not going to allow the feelings, words, thoughts and insecurities of others to cause me to stand in my way and hold myself back for fear that "they" will not like me, be happy for me or support me. I'm in control of my own happiness.

Life happens. Life gets in the way. Life sends you down a new path and puts up roadblocks on your way to your goals. You have two choices though....you can roll with the punches and face each obstacle with determination and passion or you can throw your hands in the air and say "oh well, I guess it isn't meant to be."

Personally I choose not to be held back by surgeries, Celiac's Disease or PCOS (which can make losing weight extremely difficult). I'm not making excuses anymore and I refuse to stand in my own way.

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