Monday, November 12, 2012

Witty Title Here

Today is a day I feel like I need to blog, but I'm not sure what to say. I guess I'm just struggling with getting motivated today, in every regard. I know I'm not alone in this, we ALL have those days. So how do we get past that and move forward? For me, I blog about it. It helps to vent it out and "voice" why I'm stuck or feeling like there is no real reason to keep moving forward with gusto.

First, we had my husband's birthday party this weekend with family and a few friends from the neighborhood. Always a tough one for me. The months of September, October and November are HARD to stay on track. We have my nephew's birthday party, then my daughter's, followed by my son's and my brother in law's, then my niece's birthday and Halloween rounded out by my husband's birthday....then we have Thanksgiving....all before Christmas. ::deep breath:: So  needless to say I either find myself throwing my program out the window entirely or I end up trying to starve myself all day so the points I have available to me for the day are used for the party. Yeah, not a wise idea.  This time I tried to do things a little differently. A novel idea really....stick to program. HA HA!
I did track, sort of. Which actually for me is way better than I usually do on the weekends. I normally just allow myself to eat with minimal thought and honestly no tracking. I still lose, usually...but not nearly as much as I probably would if I stuck to program EVERY DAY like I should be.

So today being Monday I would normally walk with my neighbor. BUT it is raining something terrible out there and the temperature is very quickly dropping. Tonight should get to a wonderfully brisk 28ยบ. Gotta love winter in Ohio. So I figure OK, I'll get my exercise another way today. Of course I have found every excuse not to get started on SOMETHING that doesn't involve just sitting here....including blogging. Yet here I am, writing instead of doing something even minimally active such as the dishes, vacuuming, dusting, dragging the Christmas Decorations out of the basement to figure out what is going to need to be replaced before we get everything up after Thanksgiving, or even.....::gasp:: getting on my treadmill or stationary bike my wonderful husband set up for me. ::hanging my head in shame now:: It is all there, available and waiting for me to just get up off my rear WHY do I find it so hard to get to it?

I have been having some GREAT success. And the weight is coming off faster than it has in the past now that we have figured out that I can't have Wheat. So why am I still feeling like I'm failing? I have gone down a full size since last summer. 20 pounds off and I'm down just over a size. Maybe it is because that "size down" is still larger than I want? Maybe it is because that "size down" is too big in many regards but the NEXT size down is still too tight to really be comfortable? It isn't that the NEXT size is too small per se, or that it looks horrible, but I am so uncomfortable and lack the self confidence to really wear it without drawing attention to the fact that I feel HUGE. Being between sizes is certainly contributing to that feeling of I am vowing to NOT put on that smaller size (that NEXT size) for another 5 pounds. I'm just going to have to DEAL with the saggy butt and thigh look of my pants until I can truly wear the NEXT size without feeling like I look like a stuffed sausage. ::sigh::

I think that is one of the hardest things. We look at each pound as a step closer to a goal, and a step closer to a smaller size. Then, we are clearly too "small" for that size and we excitedly try on the next size down....only to have that door slammed in our face and made to feel like the Staypuft Marshmallow Man. It doesn't help that I just don't have the clothing that I need for the impending weather....especially since I was 20 pounds heavier last year and now those clothes are hanging weirdly on me. It isn't that I'm swimming in them, but they do hang differently now. Knowing my luck they are probably hanging properly now and it just feels odd. I think mainly I just don't want to wear them because I feel like they are my FAT clothes and I shouldn't be wearing them now....they shouldn't fit me. REALLY they do fit me though. They were too small before I just refused to buy new clothes so I looked terrible in them and I convinced myself I didn't. Ah....denial.

With the holiday's fast approaching I think I might refocus myself on a smaller goal. I would love to lose another 10 pounds by Christmas...especially since I'm headed home to California for Christmas. But I find myself feeling less and less like that is a possibility. Which is sad really, because I COULD do it if I REALLY stuck to program every single day, every single meal, and I stuck to exercise on the days that I have already decided I was going to get it in. It is so hard to not feel discouraged when in 15 months you have managed to lose ALMOST 20 pounds. Last time the weight was much easier to take off over all....but I was planning a wedding, still had all my internal organs (don't let anyone tell you your gallbladder isn't necessary...removing mine messed me up big time....and God wouldn't have given you one if you didn't need it) and I worked full time. So, the *new* goal is to just feel comfortable enough in my own skin to not dread, or hide, from the camera. I'm going to need a lot of work on that one. I really don't like being on the other side of the camera.....that *eye* is so unforgiving. Photos force me to see myself for how others see me, which makes me feel bad about myself, regardless of how far I have come.

How we perceive the world views us, though it shouldn't carry much weight (no pun intended), can greatly skew our view of ourselves and our self worth. Even those who say they don't care, people can "blow it out their nose" or whatever....they aren't really being 100% honest. There are days where I can say, I truly don't care what you say about me....and though I don't, I still do. It is hard to explain. I know I can't be the only one who feels that way. It doesn't matter what others say, but it still hurts. It doesn't matter what they think, but it still hurts when they give you a disgusted look. It doesn't matter, but it does. The 'self' we project to the world isn't always what lies under the surface, nor is it always what is accepted by the world. There are some people in this world that won't like you, there are some who will go out of their way to make you feel small, defective, repulsive and make fun of you. They will deflect their own insecurities onto you and shine a spotlight on your flaws to distract others from their flaws. But we are all flawed. We tell our children it is OK to be different while killing ourselves to fit in. A vicious cycle too deeply ingrained in us all to break so easily.

And so I sit...pondering the complexities of my weight loss journey, convincing myself that I am not the only one who struggles. Telling myself I can't be the only one who feels that a success is just not a large enough success sometimes. I know there are no "quick fixes" and that losing weight won't "repair" the damaged psyche I have collected along the way. Other people telling me I'm pretty, or I'm an inspiration won't suddenly make me feel like I am....I know that. I just wish that I could flip a switch and change that feeling. I wish I could be like Genie and just cross my arms and blink ::poof:: thin again. But being "thin" isn't going to fix anything inside on its own. It will help, many ways....but it isn't the solution to it all. I'm imperfect just like everyone else....and I have to find my own beauty in that imperfection.

My desire to be thin isn't what drives me entirely. I think THAT is what I have to tap into to motivate me to get moving and get things done. Just 30 minutes of exercise....clean, scrub, move boxes, walk on the treadmill, do squats and crunches, ride the stationary bike..... I really don't have any valid excuses except maybe my back issues. And even then there are things I CAN do even when I can barely move. BARELY moving on a treadmill is still better than sitting on the couch or at the computer.

So how do you motivate yourself to get moving when you really just don't feel like it?!? You don't. You can't MAKE yourself motivated when you know you aren't. You just have to CHOOSE to get up off your butt and DO IT. Motivation has NOTHING to do with it really. At least, that's what I'm finding out.

"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch." ~ Anonymous

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