It is exciting when you first set a massive goal. Deciding I want to thru-hike the three major trails in the USA brought some giddy excitement for me, like a kid on Christmas morning. I started pouring over websites on gear, creating "wish lists" and reading all sorts of "tips and tricks". I created countless boards on "Pinterest" and started squirreling away things I *needed* for hiking and camping the trails. I could fill a bookcase with books on Hiking and Backpacking that I want to read. Tips, tricks, "What I learned" and ideas that are geared to just women (or men for my husband, Ben).
I know that my goal is huge and right now it might seem impossible. Just a year and a half ago I was not able to dress, shower or cook for myself.
It is good to dream....so I dream big! One thing I have taken from all the "tips and tricks" I have been gathering is you have to "Plan, plan plan". But you have to find your starting point....one step at a time...right? So I'll start there....my feet.
The first piece of gear I worried about was my shoes. I LOVE shoes. I own far more than any one person needs, that is for sure. When I moved to Ohio in 2009, I only brought 2 pairs with me, leaving the rest of my beloved collection of heels, wedges and boots in a box in California. The joy I felt when my Mother shipped that box to me was so great that I unpacked my little gems and lined them up, took a photo and posted it to Facebook. However, my daily go to shoes consist of "flip flops" or Converse low tops. I exercise in my "chucks", take walks in them, spend all day at school in them and take short day hikes in them. I knew that they weren't going to cut it for what I was setting out to do, so the research began.
There are a lot of factors to consider when looking for proper hiking shoes.
High Ankle, Mid or Low?
Waterproof?
Leather or Synthetic?
What about snow? Insulated or Vented?
Now I have a small but wide food with a high arch. Shoes are hard to find, which is why I treasure every pair I have. A lot of work has gone into selecting comfortable shoes that I like. A lot of people will tell you that in selecting a hiking boot/shoe that you need to go for function, not fashion. While that is true, I can't get past the fact that I care what my shoes look like. I have to feel like they are cute (to me not everyone else), that they "go" with outfits I might wear on the trail and they cannot make my feet look huge. That might sound silly to some people, but I'm not exactly tall (5'2") and I don't like feeling like I have clown feet. I usually wear 6.5-7 (US Women).
After an exhaustive search, reading countless reviews I found two pairs of Mid-Ankle boots I liked.
The first pair I got were the Danner Mountain Light Cascade (size 7). The website and customer service suggested sizing down to the 6.5 however my fears of toe pinching kept me in the 7. Everyone has one foot that is larger than the other, and mine is also slightly wider. There were a few a "hot spots" as I broke in the boots last winter, but my feet were warm (we have sub-zero weather in Ohio), dry and I was able to remain stable on the icy walkways.
This Danner boot is leather, so it will form to your foot. They are adorable (I think) and remind me of the boots I wore as a kid. So when I heard Danner was bringing them back in honor of the movie Wild (which I have not yet seen) I just had to check the reviews of the new and "improved" boot! They do run a bit on the narrow side, even though the website says that they are made on a wide form. So if you have wide feet, I suggest going up that half size, just to be sure. They are not waterproof, but leather boots can be waterproofed at home. (When I do that, I will create a "how to" post.)
The second set of boots I bought were the Keen Targhee II Mid-Ankle hiking boot (size 7). These boots run wide and were a great comfortable fit pretty much from the very first moment I had them on. They didn't slide, create any friction on my heel or pinch my feet in the breaking in process. I had one "hot spot" on the side of the ball of my right foot, but I get that in every single pair of new shoes due to the arthritis being more advanced in that foot.
They recommend sizing a half size up, and I ended up doing so, but I went to my local REI store and tried these on in a 6.5, 7 and 7.5. While the 6.5 fit my feet fine, my toes on my "big" foot were touching the end and in the 7.5 my heels were slipping, which would cause blisters for sure. Ultimately I went with the 7 because they allowed my one foot to have room to swell (let's be honest, long distance hiking means your feet might swell) and my heels didn't slip or pinch.
The Keen boots didn't need any significant "breaking in" time. A few day hikes and I found them comfortable in mud and water, on pavement or gravel. I plan to get a pair of the Keen Targhee II Shoes so that I have a pair of low-top shoes as well.
So there you have it! My little review of my chosen shoes. The best advice I can offer is to do tons of research, try them on and know what you need your gear to do for you on the trail before making your choice.
Happy Hiking!
Monday, August 24, 2015
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
A Passion for Change
Change isn't easy. It isn't always good at first. Sometimes we are dragged into it, kicking and screaming. Sometimes it comes slowly and softly, creeping in like a heavy fog. Sometimes it gets ugly before we are able to see the beauty in it.
But it always requires passion.
I've encountered many junctures of change throughout my life, and the last 2 years have forced change on me at what seems every single turn. Some changes were painful, heartbreaking even. I've healed and moved on from things, and others still linger in the back of my mind and on my heart, but change is a process that can take time.
Which is why this little blog has changed, grown and refocused over time.
I have a passion for change. The ruffling of the feathers of the "old", the closing of a chapter of life and placing the book upon the shelf to discover a new adventure in the next one brings on emtions like nothing else. The pounding of the heart and giddy anticipation of choosing the next road and journey is both terrifying and exciting. Choices and change are crucial to our growth.
Some things remain the same, "get healthy and lose weight" are probably forever on my list. As is "rediscover me", at least for now. But some have changed, like what I see myself doing as a career, the types of friends I'm willing to keep, and the "me" I'm trying to be.
The truth is, I don't know the destination...but I'm on a road of change nonetheless. I find that I'm both nervous and excited about that unknown. I only know that when I get there, I'll know that I'm there.
If you aren't passionate about the life you live, the friends you have or the friend you are, your career, body or health, then it is time to find the passion to change it!
But it always requires passion.
I've encountered many junctures of change throughout my life, and the last 2 years have forced change on me at what seems every single turn. Some changes were painful, heartbreaking even. I've healed and moved on from things, and others still linger in the back of my mind and on my heart, but change is a process that can take time.
Which is why this little blog has changed, grown and refocused over time.
I have a passion for change. The ruffling of the feathers of the "old", the closing of a chapter of life and placing the book upon the shelf to discover a new adventure in the next one brings on emtions like nothing else. The pounding of the heart and giddy anticipation of choosing the next road and journey is both terrifying and exciting. Choices and change are crucial to our growth.
Some things remain the same, "get healthy and lose weight" are probably forever on my list. As is "rediscover me", at least for now. But some have changed, like what I see myself doing as a career, the types of friends I'm willing to keep, and the "me" I'm trying to be.
The truth is, I don't know the destination...but I'm on a road of change nonetheless. I find that I'm both nervous and excited about that unknown. I only know that when I get there, I'll know that I'm there.
If you aren't passionate about the life you live, the friends you have or the friend you are, your career, body or health, then it is time to find the passion to change it!
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Wait....fat girls hike? (Part Two)
Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 37, for those who care. So I have just three years to train my body and prepare for this huge goal of mine. Over the weekend Ben and I went to the store to spend some of the money I got for my birthday and start to prepare for my training.
As we walked around the shop I realized that I was an oddity. A fat girl in a fit girl's world. I hate that people look at me like that. Judging me for being in a sport store. How dare I venture out of my house and into the world of outdoor activities. It isn't the employees of these places who look at me like that, it is only other shoppers.
The truth is, I love the outdoors. Over the years though, the more weight I gained, the less I felt welcome outside of my cage. It is tough to be a fat person who likes to be active and to be outside. People are often patronizing and belittling. They often whisper to their companions or give you a funny look to make sure you know you don't belong. You are not one of them. Why is it that any time someone overweight tries to participate in life that doesn't involve food or sitting on the couch, someone is always quick to make sure they know their place?
While hurtful, these people can't actually STOP me from participating. They can make me uncomfortable, they can hurt my feelings, they can avoid me and laugh at me, but they cannot physically stop me from being outside. They cannot ban me from the outside world and the nature I love to experience. It isn't just the haters that frustrate me or make me feel unwelcome and sized out.
Even manufacturers size me out.
It seems that if you are a larger person, either in build or in weight, the manufacturers of outdoor gear and clothing don't think you matter. It is as if fat people and outdoor sports simply don't go together. They do not make clothing beyond a size 12 in most cases for hiking. They do not make jackets for snow sports or the various types of weather we get when ding outdoor sports that accommodate a larger chest. Even thin I had a hard time finding things that fit my chest, and with the extra weight it makes it harder. You would think that the huge selection offered to women who are under a size 12 (USA) would also be offered to those of us who are over that size. Instead, if you are lucky enough to find a handful of items that DO size over a 12, they are frumpy, homely and plain, with nearly no selection. 2-3 top options (which are just a large square) and maybe 2 bottoms options (in 2 colors and only long enough to hide the parts of your body the rest of the world has deemed "repulsive").
It just doesn't make any sense! Why do manufacturers seem to believe that people who wear larger than a size 12 have no interest or need for clothing that fits outdoor activities? It boggles my mind. As I look through stores like REI, North Face, Dick's and Cabela's I'm rudely reminded of my size and the fact that "my kind" are not a welcome addition to the community. The lack of options for clothing, the limited measurements built into gear for women, often leads me right out the door and back to my couch, safe within my cage where my body offends no one but me.
Manufacturers and stores are still posing that hurtful question "Wait....fat girls hike?" Yes, we hike. We cycle. We swim. We climb. We camp. We kayak. We run. And we need more than a handful of ugly tent-like options for clothing and gear to do it. Maybe if we were not constantly sized out and treated like unwelcome invaders, more of us would want to be outside and be part of a community of health.
As we walked around the shop I realized that I was an oddity. A fat girl in a fit girl's world. I hate that people look at me like that. Judging me for being in a sport store. How dare I venture out of my house and into the world of outdoor activities. It isn't the employees of these places who look at me like that, it is only other shoppers.
The truth is, I love the outdoors. Over the years though, the more weight I gained, the less I felt welcome outside of my cage. It is tough to be a fat person who likes to be active and to be outside. People are often patronizing and belittling. They often whisper to their companions or give you a funny look to make sure you know you don't belong. You are not one of them. Why is it that any time someone overweight tries to participate in life that doesn't involve food or sitting on the couch, someone is always quick to make sure they know their place?
While hurtful, these people can't actually STOP me from participating. They can make me uncomfortable, they can hurt my feelings, they can avoid me and laugh at me, but they cannot physically stop me from being outside. They cannot ban me from the outside world and the nature I love to experience. It isn't just the haters that frustrate me or make me feel unwelcome and sized out.
Even manufacturers size me out.
It seems that if you are a larger person, either in build or in weight, the manufacturers of outdoor gear and clothing don't think you matter. It is as if fat people and outdoor sports simply don't go together. They do not make clothing beyond a size 12 in most cases for hiking. They do not make jackets for snow sports or the various types of weather we get when ding outdoor sports that accommodate a larger chest. Even thin I had a hard time finding things that fit my chest, and with the extra weight it makes it harder. You would think that the huge selection offered to women who are under a size 12 (USA) would also be offered to those of us who are over that size. Instead, if you are lucky enough to find a handful of items that DO size over a 12, they are frumpy, homely and plain, with nearly no selection. 2-3 top options (which are just a large square) and maybe 2 bottoms options (in 2 colors and only long enough to hide the parts of your body the rest of the world has deemed "repulsive").
It just doesn't make any sense! Why do manufacturers seem to believe that people who wear larger than a size 12 have no interest or need for clothing that fits outdoor activities? It boggles my mind. As I look through stores like REI, North Face, Dick's and Cabela's I'm rudely reminded of my size and the fact that "my kind" are not a welcome addition to the community. The lack of options for clothing, the limited measurements built into gear for women, often leads me right out the door and back to my couch, safe within my cage where my body offends no one but me.
Manufacturers and stores are still posing that hurtful question "Wait....fat girls hike?" Yes, we hike. We cycle. We swim. We climb. We camp. We kayak. We run. And we need more than a handful of ugly tent-like options for clothing and gear to do it. Maybe if we were not constantly sized out and treated like unwelcome invaders, more of us would want to be outside and be part of a community of health.
Wait.....fat girls hike? (Part one)
I have this dream. A goal that I am determined to accomplish. I mostly likely won't complete the goal by the time I'm 40, but I am aiming to have begun by the time I turn 40. Anytime I tell people what my "dream goal" is, I'm met with a polite but skeptical sliver of a smile. It seems impossible for someone at my current size, with health issues and a decent amount of metal in my lower spine. But nonetheless here it is:
The Triple Crown of Hikes.
It has been a long time fantasy of mine to thru-hike the Appalachian Trail...all 2,180 miles of it. As I began to move from dreaming about this feat to actually thinking I just might be able to do it, I mentioned it to a few people. While my darling husband was supportive and more than willing to train with me once I was physically able, most people just looked at me through glassed over gazes and stifled their laughter. I could see it written on their faces, the words they wouldn't dare say to my face "Wait....fat girls hike?"
At first I was a bit discouraged. Was I kidding myself into thinking I could do this? And then that discouragement turned into determination. I don't have to wait until I look like the fit women in the magazines. I don't have to put it off until others won't laugh at me for trying. It is ok to be that fat girl on the trail, out of breath and slowly chugging along, gravel and dirt crunching beneath my feet as my body drips with sweat. I know I'll get those looks...disgust, pity and even jokes about me...but I don't have to care. What I'm seeing at the end of my trek is that I'm one hike closer to my goal.
The more I thought about the 6 month journey of hiking the Appalachian Trail in on go, the more I thought about how much I don't think I would want to stop there. Not only do I want to prove to myself that I can do it, I wanted to prove to the world that a former athlete, who gained 100 pounds, had major spine surgery and had to relearn how to do the simplest of tasks on her own, could strap on a pair of hiking boots, load up a heavy backpack and hike until her lungs burned, high into the mountains, down into valleys and reach a physical goal. My body is not dead. My body is not broken. My body has been altered, but it is still far more capable than even I tend to give credit for.
But why stop at the AT? So I decided it wouldn't be just the Appalachian Trail. I want to hike the Continental Divide Trail (3100 miles) and the Pacific Crest Trail (2,650 miles) as well. Together these three long-distance trails make up that Triple Crown. It might seem impossible, but I'm going to do it. One day I will have completed them all and I will prove to myself that my body is capable of more than I ever imagined it could be again. I will no longer be a "former athlete" I will be a Long-distance Hiker, a Tru-hiker, a Triple Crown Hiker.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
I AM a natural redhead......seriously, I AM.
I get asked fairly often what color is my hair "really". I find this kind of a funny question to ask. No one ever thinks twice about asking a bottle blonde if her hair is "natural" or even a perfectly lowlighted caramel brunette if hers is from a bottle. And yet, I encounter conversations like this rather often:
A: So what color is your hair REALLY?
Me: I'm a redhead.
A: No I mean NATURALLY.
Me: Yeah, I'm a redhead.
A: You dye your hair though.
Me: Yeah, I like it a darker red.
A: So you aren't a natural redhead then.
Me: Yeah, I was born with red hair.
A: Then why do you dye it?
UGH! So if an ashy blonde (often called "dirty blonde") lightens her hair to get that "perfect blonde" then she is still considered a "Natural Blonde" because blonde is what grows out of her head, she simply enhances her natural color but a copper top redhead who darkens her shade to a rich auburn isn't a natural redhead because the color you SEE isn't what grows out of her head?!? If a deep chocolate brunette adds golden caramel highlights to her hair then she is simply enhancing her natural brunette and her hair is still considered "natural"....but a strawberry blonde/ginger blonde who lowlights her hair with a medium auburn is told her hair isn't natural. It is a never ending cycle. Just because I choose to color my hair a different shade of red, doesn't mean I'm not a natural redhead...I just choose a different shade of red!
The truth is, I've been coloring my hair for 20 years. I've been every shade of red under the sun in that 20 years. I've only passed by my natural ginger hue maybe 3 times in all of that and each time I decide that "it isn't me" and that I don't look good with my natural color. I've tried to figure out why I feel that way. I was teased for my hair color as a kid, not as badly as some people have endured but the teasing was still there. I wanted darker hair....I felt that the brassy copper penny color it grew out of my head was simply not pretty, and made my face look like a tomato. It bleached in the sun and got blonde highlights. If I spent enough time in the sun, I went platinum blonde. I hated it. Blonde is not a good color for me.
I'm fortunate to have a husband who loves me no matter what. He doesn't seem to have a preference on my hair color and he has seen me go through an impossible to count number of shades in the 10 years we have been together. I'm sure though that the cost of upkeep and my constantly changing moods about my hair starts to get a bit annoying. He's a good sport about it though.
After dying my hair (at home) for the millionth time just a couple days ago, I got a darker shade than I wanted.....again. It isn't that it is a bad color, or that it looks unnatural. (I've had some badly unnatural looking shades over the years.) It just isn't what I was hoping for in this case. So I got to thinking and asked myself a question I don't often approach:
"Why am I never happy with the way I look? Why do I dislike my hair so much that I'm always seeking to reinvent myself?"
The answer is a bit complicated...but the short answer is that the only time I have ever felt good about myself has been when my hair was darker than my natural color.
I've been through a lot in my life, like most people. I have always hidden the hurt rather well, and chose to put on the smile and just keep trucking on in life, but I've always struggled with self-esteem. It isn't that I feel unworthy of happiness....I'm happy with the person I am on the inside. I could list a dozen things I like or feel are valuable about myself that have nothing to do with my exterior self. But I would be lying if I said that has always been the case for me. Any time that I have had my hair close to my natural shade I have ended up in situations and relationships where I am made to feel homely, plain, disposable, unworthy and unwanted. This has been the case since I was quite young, it started with friendships and bled over into my first marriage. Now I know that my HAIR had nothing to do with the way that I was treated by people...not on that deeper level. My hair color was not the reason why my "best friend" told me that I wasn't her best friend anymore. My hair color was not the reason why the girls in my class at church and school purposely excluded me from things, made fun of me and gave me dirty looks. I tried to be friendly, I tried to be part of things, but I was shunned, laughed at, and outright left out. I was singled out, blamed for things I didn't do, made an example of (even if all I had done was tell someone to stop doing something they weren't supposed to do). I was told I was not pretty, I was called fat (I wasn't fat then...I was athletic), the boys I would have a crush on would always like someone else (one was one of the only friends I had at the time and the other was someone who hung out with all the girls who were mean to me, even though she never was personally mean to me) so I started to compare myself to them.
I was friends with the boys though. They let me hang out with them. They thought I was funny, and I liked sports. But I always heard them talking about the other girls. How this one or that one was so pretty. I saw how they noticed them...and didn't notice me. So I compared myself to them. I looked at the girls who all hung out together. They were all the same. Pretty and thin. None of them had red hair and freckles. They were tan with dark hair and always made up. Every guy friend I ever had preferred brunettes or blondes. No one ever noticed a pretty redhead. Adults liked my hair. Adults said I was cute or that my freckles were pretty....my peers made fun of it all. Or at least that is how I felt about it.
I'm sure it is simply a coincidence that I started being told I was pretty, wasn't shunned by the girls I wanted to be friends with etc after I started coloring my hair. Something so small as my hair color couldn't possibly change if I'm pretty, or if I'm worthy of friendship. But I can't help but feel like subconsciously I have started to associate my natural appearance with those feelings of rejection and bullying.
Over the years I have allowed my hair to go back to a more natural color...close to my natural shade anyways. The first time I let it go close to natural my (now EX) husband was verbally abusive to me and ended up cheating on me. I went through a nasty divorce and coped by not looking or acting ANYTHING like that person who wasn't good enough. Any time I have allowed my hair to lighten closer to that natural copper I have found myself feeling those worthless feelings again. (Not directed at my wonderful husband, but it reminds me that the person who was abandoned exists still inside me. and I run from her.)
Friendships have been hard for me to maintain over the years. I honestly thought that once you became an adult you didn't have backstabbing, two-faced friends. I was wrong. So my coping mechanism is to change myself, reinvent and move on. In my adult life I have only found myself with true friends when I have felt worthy myself. And each time that has been with a darker shade of auburn as opposed to my natural copper blonde.
The truth is, that I have spent more of my life as an auburn haired woman than I have as a ginger girl. I have only felt pretty when I had darker auburn hair. As a ginger I felt awkward, plain, shunned, bullied, and over all just saw myself as "less". The color of my hair hasn't really changed. Inside I'm still a ginger girl....just trying to "fit in" and to be "accepted". I hide that girl as much as I can because I have never felt like she was enough, she was never good enough, talented enough, pretty enough or smart enough. She was "annoying" and a bother.
I see my natural shade on my son, on other women and it is beautiful. And I think, I wish it looked like that on me. My inner Ginger is hurt. My inner copper top hides away where no one can hurt her, where she can't be teased, or thrown away, left out and shunned.
I have started to realize, today actually....as I write this, that I try to fix the inside hurt, the wounds I bury from past friendships, from people I thought cared about me, from my ex-husband and even from people who NEVER took the time to even know me, by changing my outside. When I feel in any way like "less" I decide to reinvent myself, I redye my hair as a sort of therapy. It is the same as people who go shopping, by a new wardrobe, get their nails done and pamper themselves in many ways. I don't stuff my face to feel better, I color my hair. But I realize that I'm just hiding. I'm running. Trying to get as far away from "that girl" as possible.
So I'm contemplating a challenge for myself. To work on the inside, not the outside. Feeling good about your outward appearance is important.....yes. But what good is it to look good on the outside when you are unable to feel like it is good enough?!?
So I'm thinking about ditching the dye. Maybe after 22 years it is time to break up with that bottle. Maybe it is time that I stop having to answer that question "what color is your hair REALLY??" and then stop defending and explaining the truth to people. No blonde or brunette has to defend their "natrualness"....they don't get asked if their hair is "natural" or if they color their hair....but redheads do. I get it, you don't understand why someone with naturally red hair would want to change it....even to a different shade of red. Maybe like me, they haven't had the best experiences and the one thing they can control to change the way that people treat them is their hair color.
A: So what color is your hair REALLY?
Me: I'm a redhead.
A: No I mean NATURALLY.
Me: Yeah, I'm a redhead.
A: You dye your hair though.
Me: Yeah, I like it a darker red.
A: So you aren't a natural redhead then.
Me: Yeah, I was born with red hair.
A: Then why do you dye it?
UGH! So if an ashy blonde (often called "dirty blonde") lightens her hair to get that "perfect blonde" then she is still considered a "Natural Blonde" because blonde is what grows out of her head, she simply enhances her natural color but a copper top redhead who darkens her shade to a rich auburn isn't a natural redhead because the color you SEE isn't what grows out of her head?!? If a deep chocolate brunette adds golden caramel highlights to her hair then she is simply enhancing her natural brunette and her hair is still considered "natural"....but a strawberry blonde/ginger blonde who lowlights her hair with a medium auburn is told her hair isn't natural. It is a never ending cycle. Just because I choose to color my hair a different shade of red, doesn't mean I'm not a natural redhead...I just choose a different shade of red!
The truth is, I've been coloring my hair for 20 years. I've been every shade of red under the sun in that 20 years. I've only passed by my natural ginger hue maybe 3 times in all of that and each time I decide that "it isn't me" and that I don't look good with my natural color. I've tried to figure out why I feel that way. I was teased for my hair color as a kid, not as badly as some people have endured but the teasing was still there. I wanted darker hair....I felt that the brassy copper penny color it grew out of my head was simply not pretty, and made my face look like a tomato. It bleached in the sun and got blonde highlights. If I spent enough time in the sun, I went platinum blonde. I hated it. Blonde is not a good color for me.
I'm fortunate to have a husband who loves me no matter what. He doesn't seem to have a preference on my hair color and he has seen me go through an impossible to count number of shades in the 10 years we have been together. I'm sure though that the cost of upkeep and my constantly changing moods about my hair starts to get a bit annoying. He's a good sport about it though.
After dying my hair (at home) for the millionth time just a couple days ago, I got a darker shade than I wanted.....again. It isn't that it is a bad color, or that it looks unnatural. (I've had some badly unnatural looking shades over the years.) It just isn't what I was hoping for in this case. So I got to thinking and asked myself a question I don't often approach:
"Why am I never happy with the way I look? Why do I dislike my hair so much that I'm always seeking to reinvent myself?"
The answer is a bit complicated...but the short answer is that the only time I have ever felt good about myself has been when my hair was darker than my natural color.
I've been through a lot in my life, like most people. I have always hidden the hurt rather well, and chose to put on the smile and just keep trucking on in life, but I've always struggled with self-esteem. It isn't that I feel unworthy of happiness....I'm happy with the person I am on the inside. I could list a dozen things I like or feel are valuable about myself that have nothing to do with my exterior self. But I would be lying if I said that has always been the case for me. Any time that I have had my hair close to my natural shade I have ended up in situations and relationships where I am made to feel homely, plain, disposable, unworthy and unwanted. This has been the case since I was quite young, it started with friendships and bled over into my first marriage. Now I know that my HAIR had nothing to do with the way that I was treated by people...not on that deeper level. My hair color was not the reason why my "best friend" told me that I wasn't her best friend anymore. My hair color was not the reason why the girls in my class at church and school purposely excluded me from things, made fun of me and gave me dirty looks. I tried to be friendly, I tried to be part of things, but I was shunned, laughed at, and outright left out. I was singled out, blamed for things I didn't do, made an example of (even if all I had done was tell someone to stop doing something they weren't supposed to do). I was told I was not pretty, I was called fat (I wasn't fat then...I was athletic), the boys I would have a crush on would always like someone else (one was one of the only friends I had at the time and the other was someone who hung out with all the girls who were mean to me, even though she never was personally mean to me) so I started to compare myself to them.
I was friends with the boys though. They let me hang out with them. They thought I was funny, and I liked sports. But I always heard them talking about the other girls. How this one or that one was so pretty. I saw how they noticed them...and didn't notice me. So I compared myself to them. I looked at the girls who all hung out together. They were all the same. Pretty and thin. None of them had red hair and freckles. They were tan with dark hair and always made up. Every guy friend I ever had preferred brunettes or blondes. No one ever noticed a pretty redhead. Adults liked my hair. Adults said I was cute or that my freckles were pretty....my peers made fun of it all. Or at least that is how I felt about it.
I'm sure it is simply a coincidence that I started being told I was pretty, wasn't shunned by the girls I wanted to be friends with etc after I started coloring my hair. Something so small as my hair color couldn't possibly change if I'm pretty, or if I'm worthy of friendship. But I can't help but feel like subconsciously I have started to associate my natural appearance with those feelings of rejection and bullying.
Over the years I have allowed my hair to go back to a more natural color...close to my natural shade anyways. The first time I let it go close to natural my (now EX) husband was verbally abusive to me and ended up cheating on me. I went through a nasty divorce and coped by not looking or acting ANYTHING like that person who wasn't good enough. Any time I have allowed my hair to lighten closer to that natural copper I have found myself feeling those worthless feelings again. (Not directed at my wonderful husband, but it reminds me that the person who was abandoned exists still inside me. and I run from her.)
Friendships have been hard for me to maintain over the years. I honestly thought that once you became an adult you didn't have backstabbing, two-faced friends. I was wrong. So my coping mechanism is to change myself, reinvent and move on. In my adult life I have only found myself with true friends when I have felt worthy myself. And each time that has been with a darker shade of auburn as opposed to my natural copper blonde.
The truth is, that I have spent more of my life as an auburn haired woman than I have as a ginger girl. I have only felt pretty when I had darker auburn hair. As a ginger I felt awkward, plain, shunned, bullied, and over all just saw myself as "less". The color of my hair hasn't really changed. Inside I'm still a ginger girl....just trying to "fit in" and to be "accepted". I hide that girl as much as I can because I have never felt like she was enough, she was never good enough, talented enough, pretty enough or smart enough. She was "annoying" and a bother.
I see my natural shade on my son, on other women and it is beautiful. And I think, I wish it looked like that on me. My inner Ginger is hurt. My inner copper top hides away where no one can hurt her, where she can't be teased, or thrown away, left out and shunned.
I have started to realize, today actually....as I write this, that I try to fix the inside hurt, the wounds I bury from past friendships, from people I thought cared about me, from my ex-husband and even from people who NEVER took the time to even know me, by changing my outside. When I feel in any way like "less" I decide to reinvent myself, I redye my hair as a sort of therapy. It is the same as people who go shopping, by a new wardrobe, get their nails done and pamper themselves in many ways. I don't stuff my face to feel better, I color my hair. But I realize that I'm just hiding. I'm running. Trying to get as far away from "that girl" as possible.
So I'm contemplating a challenge for myself. To work on the inside, not the outside. Feeling good about your outward appearance is important.....yes. But what good is it to look good on the outside when you are unable to feel like it is good enough?!?
So I'm thinking about ditching the dye. Maybe after 22 years it is time to break up with that bottle. Maybe it is time that I stop having to answer that question "what color is your hair REALLY??" and then stop defending and explaining the truth to people. No blonde or brunette has to defend their "natrualness"....they don't get asked if their hair is "natural" or if they color their hair....but redheads do. I get it, you don't understand why someone with naturally red hair would want to change it....even to a different shade of red. Maybe like me, they haven't had the best experiences and the one thing they can control to change the way that people treat them is their hair color.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Confession of an Academia Junkie
So in just 2 weeks the Fall semester will begin for me. I am getting closer and closer to the end of my BA degree and I'm starting to consider if I want to continue on for my MA or not. What I'm finding difficult is that everyone always asks "so what do you want to do?" after finding out my major is in English. No, I don't want to be a teacher. I hate that I never seem to have a solid answer though. When presented with the question "What do you want to do with your degree" I am suddenly dragged back to 10 years old and being asked "What do you want to be when you grow up" and I'm that one kid who has no reply.
The truth is, I have no idea. I have spent the last 21 years of my life chasing this dream to finish my BA in English. Along the way I thought I wanted to pursue different avenues and tried Psychology, Theatre, Music and Photography. Ultimately I went back to English because it was my "default" and it was what I was closest to completing. But what do you do with a degree in English besides teach?!?
They say to find what you love and figure out how to make a living with it. That is all fine and well, but for me it seems to be easier said than done. I don't know how to make a career out of writing, reading, photography, music and theatre. I just don't I'm all creative, "the arts" has always been what I'm good at and I don't know how to do anything else. I really don't want to teach though, and every time I think I have an answer to that dreaded question I wind up second guessing myself and changing my mind.
My kids are starting 10th and 11th grade this next week and I find myself asking them what they want to pursue in college in just a few short years, as any parent would. But I feel like a fraud telling them they need to have an idea when I don't even know what "I want to be when I grow up". How do you choose what to spend the rest of your working life doing if you can't settle on ONE thing you just *know* is your so-called "calling"? How can you be an example to your kids when all you know how to do is be in school but not out in the "real world" applying the skills you gathered in college?
I used to say that I could be a career student and be happy, and maybe that is true about me. Maybe I'm addicted to school because it is the one thing I feel that I'm genuinely good at doing. That's all I know how to do really, be a student, because I have spent my entire life being one.
So no, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I don't know what I'll end up "doing" with my degree in English. Maybe write, maybe edit, maybe travel the world taking photos and writing about my experiences singing my way in dive bars to get by, and maybe I'll do nothing because I have nothing particularly interesting or profound to say.
I have no clue. I do know one thing though:
My name is Emylee Noel, I'm an Academia Junkie and I have no idea what I want to *do* with my life.
The truth is, I have no idea. I have spent the last 21 years of my life chasing this dream to finish my BA in English. Along the way I thought I wanted to pursue different avenues and tried Psychology, Theatre, Music and Photography. Ultimately I went back to English because it was my "default" and it was what I was closest to completing. But what do you do with a degree in English besides teach?!?
They say to find what you love and figure out how to make a living with it. That is all fine and well, but for me it seems to be easier said than done. I don't know how to make a career out of writing, reading, photography, music and theatre. I just don't I'm all creative, "the arts" has always been what I'm good at and I don't know how to do anything else. I really don't want to teach though, and every time I think I have an answer to that dreaded question I wind up second guessing myself and changing my mind.
My kids are starting 10th and 11th grade this next week and I find myself asking them what they want to pursue in college in just a few short years, as any parent would. But I feel like a fraud telling them they need to have an idea when I don't even know what "I want to be when I grow up". How do you choose what to spend the rest of your working life doing if you can't settle on ONE thing you just *know* is your so-called "calling"? How can you be an example to your kids when all you know how to do is be in school but not out in the "real world" applying the skills you gathered in college?
I used to say that I could be a career student and be happy, and maybe that is true about me. Maybe I'm addicted to school because it is the one thing I feel that I'm genuinely good at doing. That's all I know how to do really, be a student, because I have spent my entire life being one.
So no, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I don't know what I'll end up "doing" with my degree in English. Maybe write, maybe edit, maybe travel the world taking photos and writing about my experiences singing my way in dive bars to get by, and maybe I'll do nothing because I have nothing particularly interesting or profound to say.
I have no clue. I do know one thing though:
My name is Emylee Noel, I'm an Academia Junkie and I have no idea what I want to *do* with my life.
Friday, August 8, 2014
What's the point?
We all have days where we feel like our efforts are for nothing. All the hard work, all the workouts and all the sacrifices and what do you get? At the end of 2 weeks you have GAINED weight? That is a tough spot in which to find yourself. You watch other people barely try and here you are busting your butt and they lose but you don't....in fact you gained weight. It isn't "muscle". It is just how your body works. At least that is how my week has been.
When you have medical conditions that aren't life threatening and are for the most part "invisible", it can be difficult to be accepting of your situation when it comes to your health. It is even more difficult to get people to listen to you, including doctors and dieticians, when you are insisting that something is wrong. They tell you to just "keep doing what you're doing and eventually your body catches up." In my experience though, this isn't exactly the case. Contrary to what people often think, it isn't a matter of not doing enough, working hard enough, eating "bad" foods, not exercising, eating too much. Not always. Some times you can do everything you are "supposed" to do, and see no results. It can be frustrating, discouraging and extremely depressing.
You know what? That's ok. It is ok to feel discouraged and frustrated. You are allowed to feel depressed that you didn't have cake, passed up the bread basket, ate all your veggies, skipped the french fries and drank all your water. All while getting an hour or more of cardio every day, eating within your allowed calories and having at least 800 calories "left" at the end of the day. Yet not only NOT losing any weight but GAINING weight. People want to tell you how to do it, that you just need to do more, or do this or that differently. The thing is though, that you are doing all you can, you are working as hard as possible but not seeing any results. You don't need everyone else's "fixes", you need support, compassion and understanding.
What's the point? The point is to stay strong, find support where you can, and to continue to reach for your goals. You don't always see results on a scale or in the mirror. You don't. It is what it is. It isn't about "sucking it up and dealing" but at the same time it sort of is that way. You do have to accept that sometimes you can't "do" anything to change the circumstances. However you can choose to respond to the situation differently.
It might not feel like there is a point to trying to lose weight, or quit smoking or whatever it is you are trying to change. Failure might seem like it is constantly chasing you down and squashing every solid effort you make. However, when you step back and see it as an opportunity to gain strength and confidence in your own ability to bounce back and stand back up when knocked down, you find success.
So I gained weight this week, in spite of all my hard work and not letting myself convince myself that skipping a work out would be ok. I worked out every day. I didn't eat a bunch of junk. I stayed within my calorie goal...and I gained. I won't lie, I am upset. I feel defeated. I feel discouraged. I feel like it is pointless to work so hard to take 3 steps backwards. And that's ok.
When you have medical conditions that aren't life threatening and are for the most part "invisible", it can be difficult to be accepting of your situation when it comes to your health. It is even more difficult to get people to listen to you, including doctors and dieticians, when you are insisting that something is wrong. They tell you to just "keep doing what you're doing and eventually your body catches up." In my experience though, this isn't exactly the case. Contrary to what people often think, it isn't a matter of not doing enough, working hard enough, eating "bad" foods, not exercising, eating too much. Not always. Some times you can do everything you are "supposed" to do, and see no results. It can be frustrating, discouraging and extremely depressing.
You know what? That's ok. It is ok to feel discouraged and frustrated. You are allowed to feel depressed that you didn't have cake, passed up the bread basket, ate all your veggies, skipped the french fries and drank all your water. All while getting an hour or more of cardio every day, eating within your allowed calories and having at least 800 calories "left" at the end of the day. Yet not only NOT losing any weight but GAINING weight. People want to tell you how to do it, that you just need to do more, or do this or that differently. The thing is though, that you are doing all you can, you are working as hard as possible but not seeing any results. You don't need everyone else's "fixes", you need support, compassion and understanding.
What's the point? The point is to stay strong, find support where you can, and to continue to reach for your goals. You don't always see results on a scale or in the mirror. You don't. It is what it is. It isn't about "sucking it up and dealing" but at the same time it sort of is that way. You do have to accept that sometimes you can't "do" anything to change the circumstances. However you can choose to respond to the situation differently.
It might not feel like there is a point to trying to lose weight, or quit smoking or whatever it is you are trying to change. Failure might seem like it is constantly chasing you down and squashing every solid effort you make. However, when you step back and see it as an opportunity to gain strength and confidence in your own ability to bounce back and stand back up when knocked down, you find success.
So I gained weight this week, in spite of all my hard work and not letting myself convince myself that skipping a work out would be ok. I worked out every day. I didn't eat a bunch of junk. I stayed within my calorie goal...and I gained. I won't lie, I am upset. I feel defeated. I feel discouraged. I feel like it is pointless to work so hard to take 3 steps backwards. And that's ok.
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