I did it! I got back on a workout schedule today. Because of my back surgery just 7 months ago, I still have to take it kind of easy. My muscles are not what they were before surgery and they certainly are not what they were when I was a gymnast and figure skater.
I'm giving myself a year to get to my goal. I'm not looking to be a "twig" or to be "skinny", that isn't my body structure. I'm curvy and strong by nature, but very petite in the bone frame. Yes, I grew with my back surgery so I can honestly say I'm 5'2" but my bones are much too small to carry the weight I've been carrying for so many years now. (I'm "fun sized" or "pocket sized" as my husband says.)
So here is to accountability....
30 minutes on my stationary recumbent bike
4 sets of 10 squats each
5 sets of 20 crunches each
4 sets of 5 push ups each
4 sets of 10 pelvic lifts each
30 minutes on my stationary recumbent bike
It isn't much.....and it is NOWHERE close to the activity levels I have done in my past. Nor is it anywhere close to where I want and need to be. It is a START though, and pretty impressive when I remind myself from where I started at the end of last year.
Remember:
No matter how slow you go, it's farther than sitting on the couch.
Make progress not excuses.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
And Then Life Happens.
Life has really thrown me some curve balls lately. After dealing with the healing from spine surgery, 6 months to the day after that surgery I had another procedure. For years I have dealt with the pain of Endometriosis and the complications of the PCOS. I had to have a partial hysterectomy and had another month of recovery and sitting on my butt to heal from that.
When I went into hospital for surgery on my back December 11th, 2013 I was not happy with the number on the scale. The year leading up to my surgery had left me unable to do much physically and though I knew logically that recovering from major spine surgery was going to take a while, I was not prepared emotionally for that journey. I don't know if I thought I would bounce back quickly and be as physically able as I was 15 years ago or what...but that wasn't what it was like. I wasn't prepared for how weak and easily exhausted my muscles and entire body would end up being.
It has been so slow going and I was finally allowed to start really exercising. Well, I was allowed to ride my stationary recumbent bike that is. Just after I was released to do so, I ended up needing to have a hysterectomy due to the extreme and increasing condition of my endometriosis. Of course that meant that I had to take it easy for another month to allow myself to heal.
It is hard to continue on a path you set for yourself when life throws what feels like the impossible roadblock at you time and time again. Sometimes we fail. I know that I could say that I did during this time. Over the last 7 months I have put on some weight, I've grown more tired and discouraged each time I got dressed and clothes didn't fit or when I stepped on the scale and saw a number I had hoped I would never see again. I could say that I failed, but I refuse to see it as a failure.
Failing is easy. Throwing your hands up and saying "oh well, I failed" and giving up is easy. Making excuses is easy. My health makes it hard, yes but not impossible, even if it feels that way. The fact that I had to relearn how to walk, shave, shower, put my shoes on, dress and even use the restroom completely on my own and in new ways to accommodate the rods, screws and metal plate in my back is NOT a failure. So weight didn't come off while I was recovering and I even put on a little bit, but I didn't put on 50 pounds and that is a success. Making excuses, even valid ones, is easy. It is easier than trying and feeling like a failure. It is easier to hide behind weight than to allow yourself to be vulnerable and exposing yourself to the world when you try and don't succeed.
I learned a few things over the last 7 months while healing from back surgery and a hysterectomy.
1) Success is not just seeing a number on the scale go down or buying smaller clothes.
2) Not everyone who says they are on your side actually wants to see you succeed.
3) Negativity has to be eliminated. Negative people and negative thoughts have no place in my life anymore.
4) The only thing really standing in my way is ME.
And so......
1) I'm celebrating the little things, even when the scale doesn't move in the direction I want.
2) I'm paying attention not only to the words other people say to me, but to their actions. If your actions don't show that you are genuine then I'm done waiting for them to suddenly be genuine.
3) It was with a heavy heart that I had to step back and take a look at people in my life and I realized that there were several people who truly were not positive people for me. They were not true friends and honestly they never were. Sadly I had to let go of them because the negativity was weighing on me so greatly.
4) I'm no longer going to stand in my own way. I'm not going to allow the feelings, words, thoughts and insecurities of others to cause me to stand in my way and hold myself back for fear that "they" will not like me, be happy for me or support me. I'm in control of my own happiness.
Life happens. Life gets in the way. Life sends you down a new path and puts up roadblocks on your way to your goals. You have two choices though....you can roll with the punches and face each obstacle with determination and passion or you can throw your hands in the air and say "oh well, I guess it isn't meant to be."
Personally I choose not to be held back by surgeries, Celiac's Disease or PCOS (which can make losing weight extremely difficult). I'm not making excuses anymore and I refuse to stand in my own way.
When I went into hospital for surgery on my back December 11th, 2013 I was not happy with the number on the scale. The year leading up to my surgery had left me unable to do much physically and though I knew logically that recovering from major spine surgery was going to take a while, I was not prepared emotionally for that journey. I don't know if I thought I would bounce back quickly and be as physically able as I was 15 years ago or what...but that wasn't what it was like. I wasn't prepared for how weak and easily exhausted my muscles and entire body would end up being.
It has been so slow going and I was finally allowed to start really exercising. Well, I was allowed to ride my stationary recumbent bike that is. Just after I was released to do so, I ended up needing to have a hysterectomy due to the extreme and increasing condition of my endometriosis. Of course that meant that I had to take it easy for another month to allow myself to heal.
It is hard to continue on a path you set for yourself when life throws what feels like the impossible roadblock at you time and time again. Sometimes we fail. I know that I could say that I did during this time. Over the last 7 months I have put on some weight, I've grown more tired and discouraged each time I got dressed and clothes didn't fit or when I stepped on the scale and saw a number I had hoped I would never see again. I could say that I failed, but I refuse to see it as a failure.
Failing is easy. Throwing your hands up and saying "oh well, I failed" and giving up is easy. Making excuses is easy. My health makes it hard, yes but not impossible, even if it feels that way. The fact that I had to relearn how to walk, shave, shower, put my shoes on, dress and even use the restroom completely on my own and in new ways to accommodate the rods, screws and metal plate in my back is NOT a failure. So weight didn't come off while I was recovering and I even put on a little bit, but I didn't put on 50 pounds and that is a success. Making excuses, even valid ones, is easy. It is easier than trying and feeling like a failure. It is easier to hide behind weight than to allow yourself to be vulnerable and exposing yourself to the world when you try and don't succeed.
I learned a few things over the last 7 months while healing from back surgery and a hysterectomy.
1) Success is not just seeing a number on the scale go down or buying smaller clothes.
2) Not everyone who says they are on your side actually wants to see you succeed.
3) Negativity has to be eliminated. Negative people and negative thoughts have no place in my life anymore.
4) The only thing really standing in my way is ME.
And so......
1) I'm celebrating the little things, even when the scale doesn't move in the direction I want.
2) I'm paying attention not only to the words other people say to me, but to their actions. If your actions don't show that you are genuine then I'm done waiting for them to suddenly be genuine.
3) It was with a heavy heart that I had to step back and take a look at people in my life and I realized that there were several people who truly were not positive people for me. They were not true friends and honestly they never were. Sadly I had to let go of them because the negativity was weighing on me so greatly.
4) I'm no longer going to stand in my own way. I'm not going to allow the feelings, words, thoughts and insecurities of others to cause me to stand in my way and hold myself back for fear that "they" will not like me, be happy for me or support me. I'm in control of my own happiness.
Life happens. Life gets in the way. Life sends you down a new path and puts up roadblocks on your way to your goals. You have two choices though....you can roll with the punches and face each obstacle with determination and passion or you can throw your hands in the air and say "oh well, I guess it isn't meant to be."
Personally I choose not to be held back by surgeries, Celiac's Disease or PCOS (which can make losing weight extremely difficult). I'm not making excuses anymore and I refuse to stand in my own way.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Full of passion....but falling flat.
Writing has always been something that I have loved to do, and something that has always been rather "easy" for me. Although, I think it is "easy" because all I'm basically doing here is talking the way I do in every day life. A silent monologue sent out into the vast open air. Writing is therapeutic for me as well, it allows me to just let my thoughts out and sometimes that is boring. Sometimes though I get a real gem of a thought or idea and I write it down and think "wow....that was good".
This semester at school I'm taking "Writing Creative Fiction" and I'm realizing just how incredibly rusty I am...and BORING! Sitting in my class yesterday we were going over some of the students' ideas for their story. (The one major writing assignment is to write a 15 page short story). We have several smaller writing exercises that we do to help us develop our stories and strangely I found myself struggling with the first one. So, when we had a few people volunteer to go over the basic ideas they were developing, I realized just how inferior my initial writing exercise was to theirs. Or rather, my initial idea seemed so lame and uninteresting. So....it is back to the drawing board I go.
It is so intimidating to sit there and feel like you have all the passion and none of the ability. It almost makes you wonder "am I pursuing the wrong thing in school? Is writing really what I'm good at?". I know it is in there, somewhere....just locked away in a part of me that I have not tapped into in a very long time. So the assignment for tomorrow is to create two characters and to put them into conflict. So, I'm going to try to let the imagination just run away with me.
This semester at school I'm taking "Writing Creative Fiction" and I'm realizing just how incredibly rusty I am...and BORING! Sitting in my class yesterday we were going over some of the students' ideas for their story. (The one major writing assignment is to write a 15 page short story). We have several smaller writing exercises that we do to help us develop our stories and strangely I found myself struggling with the first one. So, when we had a few people volunteer to go over the basic ideas they were developing, I realized just how inferior my initial writing exercise was to theirs. Or rather, my initial idea seemed so lame and uninteresting. So....it is back to the drawing board I go.
It is so intimidating to sit there and feel like you have all the passion and none of the ability. It almost makes you wonder "am I pursuing the wrong thing in school? Is writing really what I'm good at?". I know it is in there, somewhere....just locked away in a part of me that I have not tapped into in a very long time. So the assignment for tomorrow is to create two characters and to put them into conflict. So, I'm going to try to let the imagination just run away with me.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Happy New Year! Now let's relearn how to walk.
So it's 2014 and I'm on the road to recovery. So I'm back.....and ready to get back to blogging, while taking on the full load at school, handling all my kid commitments, wife duties and recovering from my back surgery.
So here is the update:
At the end of Fall Semester 2013 (December 11th) I underwent a 9.5 hour surgery on my spine. As I'm sure I have said before, they had to open up the spinal cavity for my nerves to pass through (Stenosis), replace the two discs which were nearly completely gone (at L4/5 and L5/S1), as well as stabilize the shifting that was happening with L5 and the fact that it was all the way forwards. Upon getting in there, however, the surgeon found that L5 was not just forward it was in 2 pieces and free-floating around. They also found that one of my nerves was being rubbed and there was a notch in it, so that had to be repaired as well. All in all I now have 2 titanium rods, 6 screws and a titanium plate in place. Recovery at first was very difficult. I didn't eat the first 2 days in the hospital. By day 3 I was able to keep water, Sprite and a little Jello down. The entire time I was in the hospital my appetite was terrible but I was able to begin eating solid foods, though in extremely small portions by the time I headed home. Day 3 they made me start re-learning to stand and walk. At first it took 2 people to just roll me over in bed, help me out of bed to standing and support me as I could barely shuffle my feet a few inches to "walk". It was very important to me to be able to be home for Christmas and they were thinking I would need to go to an inpatient rehabilitation center for a few days to a week, but this would mean me missing Christmas with my family. So my determination (and stubbornness) kicked in and I insisted on walking, standing and learning to move my legs again. I surprised the Physical Therapy department, my nurses and my Neurological Surgeons by going from needing 2 people to practically move me at all, to walking almost the entire floor of where I was staying and going up and down 9 steps completely unassisted by day 6. So day 6 I went home. :-)
Upon getting home, we had to make a few accommodations for me. A recliner, a grabbing tool, help to shower, shave my legs, make myself food, housework, dressing myself etc were all necessary. Honestly without my kids and my wonderful husband I would not have been able to come home. I was not even able to get myself out of bed because my left side does not respond quite as well as I need it to just yet. I am currently at 4.5 weeks post surgery. Some of the basic personal tasks I'm able to do...thank God. Use the restroom, dry my hair and style it, put on make up and make myself something to eat so long as I don't have to bend over or lift anything more than a can of fruit (for example). I HAVE over done it many times because I have a hard time allowing others to care for me...especially when I have been the caregiver of others for 16 years. My kids however are constantly telling me to sit down, to go take a nap etc. The first couple weeks I did nothing but sleep....Valium and Morphine have that effect on me. I have had a lot of time to rest and have made many efforts to increase my abilities and my muscles.
At this point I'm back to driving, though getting in and out of my truck is a bit hard with the brace on, which I have to wear for at least the next 3 months. This brace goes from just under my bust to just below my hips...so it is quite restricting. At this point we are the fusing stage of my recovery, which I can say is an uncomfortable process to say the least. If you have ever chipped your tailbone then you know that painful sensation of sitting on that chipped tailbone and then standing up. Multiply it by about 60x.....that is how it feels when you have bones healing from screws and discs repairing. I'm finally to a point however where the morphine pills are not so necessary on a daily basis, and I have almost completely stopped having the excruciating sudden muscle spasms that slam you awake at night and cause your back to arch (which I'm NOT supposed to do at ALL). Which means the Valium is much less often needed. School started back this last week for me and the kids, which has been so exhausting for me because I'm not used to this much activity yet. But I always like a challenge. :-)
I still have a LONG way to go...the skin on my left leg and foot is still numb, and the nerves deep inside are HYPER active making any touching of my leg painful on the inside like a bruise being touched but the skin feeling nothing. I don't have full use of my left leg but I'm able to walk as long as I'm careful with my steps. I'm unable to dress myself easily, but I'm getting better at it and Ben (Devoted Husband....DH) helps me do it, as well as shower and shave my legs, every morning. I can't put socks or shoes on alone, or lotion my legs and feet, but I am able to wash my own hair, brush my teeth, hair and put on my own coat. Getting in and out of bed is still a challenge but I'm getting closer and closer to doing that myself and have even had a couple of moments where I didn't need to wake Ben up in the middle of the night (3 or 4 times) to help me out of bed and get my brace back on, then do it in reverse just so I could use the restroom. I am finally able to sleep on my right side, instead of just on my back (I'm NOT a back sleeper) and can even roll myself into that position (be it CAREFULLY and SLOWLY). Which drives Ben a little crazy because he is afraid I will hurt myself. This is a crucial time for healing because if my spine doesn't fuse properly (if I lean, twist or bend) it could cause damage or reduce the effectiveness of my surgery. Once I get settled in my school schedule, and I'm not so exhausted all the time, I'm going to be going to outpatient physical therapy so that I can regain full use of my left leg.
I still won't be able to ride my bicycle for a year (and then we are back into winter which means I can't anyway), and I'm not sure how much or how little of the outdoor activities Ben, the kids and I used to enjoy together I will be able to fully participate in with them once I'm fully healed, only time will tell. But I'm excited and anxious to simply experience the rest of my life without the nerve pain I was experiencing, not peeing myself (unintentionally) and having to sit out of everything because of my back. If I can't do something, then I'm going to photograph everyone else, just as I always have done...I'm just not going to be in pain standing to do so anymore!
Everyone sets "New Year's Resolutions". This is year, I have some that I think everyone has. Spend more time with family, invest in growing true friendships, take better care of my health, lose weight, travel......yet I find that I'm altering mine a bit this year. Obviously, allowing myself to heal is a big part of my goals this year....
In no particular order, this next year, my promises to myself :
To allow myself the time I truly need to heal.
To spend quality time with those I value and who value me in return.
To worry less about what my scale says, and more about the health of my body.
(Living with Celiac's is a challenge, as well as the PCOS, so weight loss is not easy for me. It is better to eat what is right for my body and allow myself to heal than to worry about what the scale says.)
To stop investing so much in the relationships that do not appreciate me, do not give back, use me and disrespect me. I don't have time for the drama or problems of others.
The only "drama" or "problems" I should be focusing on are my own and those that my immediate family must endure. It is time to allow other people to suffer the consequences of their choices in life...I can't save everyone from themselves.
To make special time for each of my children and for my husband.
To strengthen those bonds and the communication that we have with each other.
To put my talents and my passions to work.
It is by example that we teach our children to follow their dreams, work hard and not to give up just because it gets difficult.
To read for pleasure, not just for school.
To travel....nearby or far away...or both.
To strengthen and begin the LONG process of preparing myself for hiking part (or all) of the Appalachian trail (at some point in my life....but I can't at all if I don't heal and strengthen.)
And lastly, To allow myself to "love" myself and value myself without picking myself apart every time I look in the mirror.
A long list, yes....but mostly the same list as usual.
So here is to a new year, and relearning how to walk.....in more than one way. Baby steps still reach the goal.
So here is the update:
At the end of Fall Semester 2013 (December 11th) I underwent a 9.5 hour surgery on my spine. As I'm sure I have said before, they had to open up the spinal cavity for my nerves to pass through (Stenosis), replace the two discs which were nearly completely gone (at L4/5 and L5/S1), as well as stabilize the shifting that was happening with L5 and the fact that it was all the way forwards. Upon getting in there, however, the surgeon found that L5 was not just forward it was in 2 pieces and free-floating around. They also found that one of my nerves was being rubbed and there was a notch in it, so that had to be repaired as well. All in all I now have 2 titanium rods, 6 screws and a titanium plate in place. Recovery at first was very difficult. I didn't eat the first 2 days in the hospital. By day 3 I was able to keep water, Sprite and a little Jello down. The entire time I was in the hospital my appetite was terrible but I was able to begin eating solid foods, though in extremely small portions by the time I headed home. Day 3 they made me start re-learning to stand and walk. At first it took 2 people to just roll me over in bed, help me out of bed to standing and support me as I could barely shuffle my feet a few inches to "walk". It was very important to me to be able to be home for Christmas and they were thinking I would need to go to an inpatient rehabilitation center for a few days to a week, but this would mean me missing Christmas with my family. So my determination (and stubbornness) kicked in and I insisted on walking, standing and learning to move my legs again. I surprised the Physical Therapy department, my nurses and my Neurological Surgeons by going from needing 2 people to practically move me at all, to walking almost the entire floor of where I was staying and going up and down 9 steps completely unassisted by day 6. So day 6 I went home. :-)
Upon getting home, we had to make a few accommodations for me. A recliner, a grabbing tool, help to shower, shave my legs, make myself food, housework, dressing myself etc were all necessary. Honestly without my kids and my wonderful husband I would not have been able to come home. I was not even able to get myself out of bed because my left side does not respond quite as well as I need it to just yet. I am currently at 4.5 weeks post surgery. Some of the basic personal tasks I'm able to do...thank God. Use the restroom, dry my hair and style it, put on make up and make myself something to eat so long as I don't have to bend over or lift anything more than a can of fruit (for example). I HAVE over done it many times because I have a hard time allowing others to care for me...especially when I have been the caregiver of others for 16 years. My kids however are constantly telling me to sit down, to go take a nap etc. The first couple weeks I did nothing but sleep....Valium and Morphine have that effect on me. I have had a lot of time to rest and have made many efforts to increase my abilities and my muscles.
At this point I'm back to driving, though getting in and out of my truck is a bit hard with the brace on, which I have to wear for at least the next 3 months. This brace goes from just under my bust to just below my hips...so it is quite restricting. At this point we are the fusing stage of my recovery, which I can say is an uncomfortable process to say the least. If you have ever chipped your tailbone then you know that painful sensation of sitting on that chipped tailbone and then standing up. Multiply it by about 60x.....that is how it feels when you have bones healing from screws and discs repairing. I'm finally to a point however where the morphine pills are not so necessary on a daily basis, and I have almost completely stopped having the excruciating sudden muscle spasms that slam you awake at night and cause your back to arch (which I'm NOT supposed to do at ALL). Which means the Valium is much less often needed. School started back this last week for me and the kids, which has been so exhausting for me because I'm not used to this much activity yet. But I always like a challenge. :-)
I still have a LONG way to go...the skin on my left leg and foot is still numb, and the nerves deep inside are HYPER active making any touching of my leg painful on the inside like a bruise being touched but the skin feeling nothing. I don't have full use of my left leg but I'm able to walk as long as I'm careful with my steps. I'm unable to dress myself easily, but I'm getting better at it and Ben (Devoted Husband....DH) helps me do it, as well as shower and shave my legs, every morning. I can't put socks or shoes on alone, or lotion my legs and feet, but I am able to wash my own hair, brush my teeth, hair and put on my own coat. Getting in and out of bed is still a challenge but I'm getting closer and closer to doing that myself and have even had a couple of moments where I didn't need to wake Ben up in the middle of the night (3 or 4 times) to help me out of bed and get my brace back on, then do it in reverse just so I could use the restroom. I am finally able to sleep on my right side, instead of just on my back (I'm NOT a back sleeper) and can even roll myself into that position (be it CAREFULLY and SLOWLY). Which drives Ben a little crazy because he is afraid I will hurt myself. This is a crucial time for healing because if my spine doesn't fuse properly (if I lean, twist or bend) it could cause damage or reduce the effectiveness of my surgery. Once I get settled in my school schedule, and I'm not so exhausted all the time, I'm going to be going to outpatient physical therapy so that I can regain full use of my left leg.
I still won't be able to ride my bicycle for a year (and then we are back into winter which means I can't anyway), and I'm not sure how much or how little of the outdoor activities Ben, the kids and I used to enjoy together I will be able to fully participate in with them once I'm fully healed, only time will tell. But I'm excited and anxious to simply experience the rest of my life without the nerve pain I was experiencing, not peeing myself (unintentionally) and having to sit out of everything because of my back. If I can't do something, then I'm going to photograph everyone else, just as I always have done...I'm just not going to be in pain standing to do so anymore!
Everyone sets "New Year's Resolutions". This is year, I have some that I think everyone has. Spend more time with family, invest in growing true friendships, take better care of my health, lose weight, travel......yet I find that I'm altering mine a bit this year. Obviously, allowing myself to heal is a big part of my goals this year....
In no particular order, this next year, my promises to myself :
To allow myself the time I truly need to heal.
To spend quality time with those I value and who value me in return.
To worry less about what my scale says, and more about the health of my body.
(Living with Celiac's is a challenge, as well as the PCOS, so weight loss is not easy for me. It is better to eat what is right for my body and allow myself to heal than to worry about what the scale says.)
To stop investing so much in the relationships that do not appreciate me, do not give back, use me and disrespect me. I don't have time for the drama or problems of others.
The only "drama" or "problems" I should be focusing on are my own and those that my immediate family must endure. It is time to allow other people to suffer the consequences of their choices in life...I can't save everyone from themselves.
To make special time for each of my children and for my husband.
To strengthen those bonds and the communication that we have with each other.
To put my talents and my passions to work.
It is by example that we teach our children to follow their dreams, work hard and not to give up just because it gets difficult.
To read for pleasure, not just for school.
To travel....nearby or far away...or both.
To strengthen and begin the LONG process of preparing myself for hiking part (or all) of the Appalachian trail (at some point in my life....but I can't at all if I don't heal and strengthen.)
And lastly, To allow myself to "love" myself and value myself without picking myself apart every time I look in the mirror.
A long list, yes....but mostly the same list as usual.
So here is to a new year, and relearning how to walk.....in more than one way. Baby steps still reach the goal.
Friday, November 1, 2013
A size 6 is plus sized?!?
Apparently even in High school when I would get a little "chunky" and go up to a size 6 from my usual 3/5 I was "fat". No wonder women are constantly feeling like they are fat and inadequate. I might never be "thin" by the industry standards, I might not ever be "normal" by industry standards, but I CAN be healthy and happy. Women are so competitive, and they (in general, though not all are like this) tend to put others down because they are insecure about their own appearance. Now it is true, that most of us have things about our bodies we would like to change. I have had many health issues that have caused weight gain. I have had two children and therefore I have stretch marks. I am 35 years old and I no longer look like I'm 19. My boobs sag (unless I get a reduction they will never be "perky" again...they just don't do that perky thing at my bra size), my thighs jiggle, and I have a thicker waist than I used to. What gets me is that the industry has decided that "fat" is a size 6 US for models, when the average size of a woman in the US is a size 14. I'm short, I'm just barely under 5'2", a size 14 on me doesn't look like a size 14 on a woman who is 5'10". I don't have long legs, I don't have a long torso....I'm short and I am an hourglass shape. My husband loves me just as I am, and finds me attractive....so why can't I agree with him?!? Like most women I have been brainwashed into believing that I'm LESS attractive because I don't look like the models in magazines or on TV...even the plus sized ones (partially because they are a size 10 and considered plus sized and partially because they are nearly a foot taller than I am and pear shaped...which is the most visually appealing shape apparently). I just think that we, as a society and as parents, need to encourage women and girls (and men as they too can deal with this twisted sense of self worth) to take care of their bodies and to embrace the shape they have been given. Some of us are busty no matter how much weight we lose, some of us are thick in our bottoms with shapely thighs and smaller tops, some of us have short thick legs and some of us seem to have no curves at all...none of which decides whether we are beautiful or not. If you are an ugly person inside, if you take advantage of others, if you belittle others, talk behind their backs, lie etc...that makes you ugly, not your appearance. OK....rant over.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
When the term "Friend" is one-sided...letting go of those who only care about what you do for them.
No, this is not about appearance, or weight, or self esteem in any way....however I feel that it still pertains to this journey I'm on to rediscover myself. I have spent much of my life seeking out valuable, strong, sincere and genuine friends. I always seem to end up in these "friendships" where I'm taken for granted, used, competed with, manipulated and serving as the therapist and the one woman cheering section for a ONE WOMAN SHOW that I play no real part in. I have come to a point in my life where I'm starting to realize that the common factor in these cases being my "norm" is me. I don't CAUSE them to be backstabbing, self-centered, pathetic whining women who need to be coddled constantly and only interested in how things affect THEM. What I DO however is enable that behavior because I'm 1.) Genuinely a kind and caring person 2.) Naturally a nurturer who refuses to see another human being suffer 3.) Consistently guilty of insisting on seeing the good in everyone, even when they are treating me poorly 4.) Fear confrontation (which is why I allow the behavior to continue for YEARS before I say something...if I say something at all) 5.) Want to see others succeed just as much as I want to succeed myself 6.) Will constantly do for others at the expense of myself. It is for that reason that this blog post is crucial to me "finding myself". This is a part of me that is relatively new for me to find and embrace. It requires me to be "mean" in a way and tell people things that they have done or said that were rude, unkind, untrue, manipulative, hurtful etc. It means I have to tell other people things they do not want to believe about how they are perceived by others, present themselves to others or how things they do affect others. This post is about stepping back and realizing that there are some people in our lives who will NEVER appreciate what it means to be a friend. They are ONLY interested in the GOOD you give them. They are selfish, narcissistic, petty, shallow, needy and don't realize that they truly only care about themselves. In fact, some people are such pathological liars that they no longer can recognize a lie from the truth and will turn on anyone in a heartbeat if they are no longer receiving this "one-sided friendship" they require.
Sometimes you have to step back and recognize that there are some people who will never be a true friend...not because they refuse but because they are unable to look past their own self-centered nature. Try as you might, they will always refuse to see how they have wronged you, taken you for granted, used you, cared little about you and will continue to play victim for sympathy and as a means of manipulation. They will hide behind "good intentions" and refuse to believe that an apology is still owed when you go above and beyond for them, focus your entire friendship around THEM and coddle their overly needy tendencies and sooth their ridiculously low self esteem. These are the types of "friends" who will suck you dry and when you refuse to continue to enable their narcissistic, shallow, petty, constantly whining behavior and insist that they take responsibility for their childish, rude, inconsiderate, selfish, shallow, materialistic, manipulative behavior as well as their continual pathological lying and sense of entitlement, they will turn on you and say they "did nothing wrong" and "owe you no apology"...and play victim to someone else. Tread lightly, choose those you call FRIEND carefully and invest only in those who not only appreciate who and what you are as an individual and a friend, but who will GIVE in return not just TAKE from you. It is a sad realization to come to, for sure. However, sometimes it is a truly liberating place to be in your life. You realize in that moment that you have been allowing someone to kill your joy, to steal your sense of value as a friend because all they really care about is themselves, what others can do for them, give to them and provide for them. It is a hard choice to make, not to let go of people like that, but to let them go with love. People continually say, Karma will come back to haunt you....you reap what you sew...etc. While this is true, I am not afraid of that happening for me. My position is a valid one and it is the truth. The one who should be afraid of "Karma" or "consequences" is the person who lies to get what they want, manipulates others to get what they did not work for, whines for handouts from people and constantly TAKES from relationships and plays the victim. Being honest does not warrant such selfish, childish games that some people play. For me, I'm finally free....free from fake friends who are only interested in themselves, constantly in competition with those they call their "best friend" and who take shallow stabs at them to make themselves feel better about themselves. I'm done giving to those who do not give back or who only give in order to GET from me. I'm too old for crap like that. It is time for grown-ups to be grown-ups. You have to GET OVER YOURSELF before you can have TRUE friendships and LASTING relationships. Sometimes you have to step back and realize that the mistakes you make in friendships (which results in not being able to keep close friends very long) is similarly related to the reason why you can't find your "dream man" and your "perfect romance". Personally, I'm tired of the games that women play in friendships. I'm sick and tired of being treated like a therapist and advice column and yet when I need to vent, bounce an idea off them etc, I'm not permitted to because it isn't about them. Relationships are give and take.....they can't be one-sided....I have allowed the one-sided friendship to continue for FAR too long.
To be an adult, to have maturity, does not require one thing....it requires many things. Being able to admit when you are wrong, not taking advantage of others, not lying to get what you want, not putting others down to make yourself appear better or feel better, not disrespecting their marriage or their friendship, not constantly making everything about you, not using others, not being only interested in how much money they make, what they can buy for you, whether or not they can bail you out every time you fail, not acting like a pathetic and desperate person who is ALWAYS the victim, not refusing to take responsibility for your actions regardless of the intent (because let's face it, you may not INTEND to slam a finger in the door but you still owe them an apology for it!)....not only are these traits signs of maturity, they are necessary for the basis of a TRUE friendship and also for a lasting romantic relationship. Without these (as well as MANY others) you WILL NEVER have security in a friendship or a relationship and you will continue to wander this world constantly searching for something to fill the void. The same goes for allowing others to get away with NOT possessing these traits. You are just as responsible for allowing others to be less than a friend, continually stepping your level of friendship up in the hopes that they will suddenly see your worth, realize they have been a SH*TTY friend, that every THING and every CONVERSATION is focused on and centered around them, and that they will FINALLY be the friend you truly deserve.
It is hard to walk away from people, but I have found it liberating.....it allows me to say "I am worth more than this. I deserve a friend who does not disrespect my marriage, my friendship with them, who doesn't take me for granted, who wants me to succeed, who is my therapist just as much as I am theirs.... I deserve better than this person is giving me....and it isn't WRONG for me to admit that." I deal with a lot of guilt when it comes to the crappy friends I have had in my life....and my crappy marriage to my ex. I tend to blame myself for the horrible things they do and say, about me and to me. Part of my journey to find myself, is letting go of that guilt. I'm not ok with "one-sided friendships"....and I refuse to be your enabler anymore. Your ISSUES are not mine, your GUILT is not mine, your MONEY PROBLEMS aren't my responsibility, your LONELINESS which results in your PATHETIC, SLUTTY and DESPERATE behavior is not my responsibility, your PATHOLOGICAL LYING is your karma to deal with not mine, your LACK of self esteem and self worth are not my issues to deal with, your need to have everything constantly CENTER around you and your delusional addiction to fantasy and the constant attempts at manipulation in order to get others to live out or feed your fantasy are YOUR shortcomings, not mine.
Thank GOD I have my small handful of true friends. We genuinely want each other to succeed....we genuinely want each other to be happy.....unlike some people who simply want their "friends" to be happy and successful so long as they aren't happier or more successful than they are (Because THAT isn't TRUE friendship). To my friends who are TRUE, I love you and I'm thankful for you all. To my mom and my sister who have always been TRUE friends to everyone they meet, I thank you for always having the patience necessary to demonstrate what it means and looks like to be a TRUE friend.
To those who perhaps feel like this blog post might be about them.....well maybe then YOU need to step back and take a long hard look and ask yourself:
Have you been on the receiving end of a "one-sided friendship" ?
If my post offends you, makes you angry, hurts your feelings or feels like it is about you, then maybe you know you aren't being a good friend to me, or to someone else, or a good daughter or sister. Maybe it is time you start apologizing to them for taking them for granted, using them, manipulating them to get what you want, looking for hand outs, disrespecting their marriage, being an embarrassment in public situations with your constant neediness and your pathological lying. Maybe you need to stop looking for someone to "take care of you" and to "validate your worth" and to "shower you with praise and compliments and gifts" and start BEING the friend they deserve.
Sometimes you have to step back and recognize that there are some people who will never be a true friend...not because they refuse but because they are unable to look past their own self-centered nature. Try as you might, they will always refuse to see how they have wronged you, taken you for granted, used you, cared little about you and will continue to play victim for sympathy and as a means of manipulation. They will hide behind "good intentions" and refuse to believe that an apology is still owed when you go above and beyond for them, focus your entire friendship around THEM and coddle their overly needy tendencies and sooth their ridiculously low self esteem. These are the types of "friends" who will suck you dry and when you refuse to continue to enable their narcissistic, shallow, petty, constantly whining behavior and insist that they take responsibility for their childish, rude, inconsiderate, selfish, shallow, materialistic, manipulative behavior as well as their continual pathological lying and sense of entitlement, they will turn on you and say they "did nothing wrong" and "owe you no apology"...and play victim to someone else. Tread lightly, choose those you call FRIEND carefully and invest only in those who not only appreciate who and what you are as an individual and a friend, but who will GIVE in return not just TAKE from you. It is a sad realization to come to, for sure. However, sometimes it is a truly liberating place to be in your life. You realize in that moment that you have been allowing someone to kill your joy, to steal your sense of value as a friend because all they really care about is themselves, what others can do for them, give to them and provide for them. It is a hard choice to make, not to let go of people like that, but to let them go with love. People continually say, Karma will come back to haunt you....you reap what you sew...etc. While this is true, I am not afraid of that happening for me. My position is a valid one and it is the truth. The one who should be afraid of "Karma" or "consequences" is the person who lies to get what they want, manipulates others to get what they did not work for, whines for handouts from people and constantly TAKES from relationships and plays the victim. Being honest does not warrant such selfish, childish games that some people play. For me, I'm finally free....free from fake friends who are only interested in themselves, constantly in competition with those they call their "best friend" and who take shallow stabs at them to make themselves feel better about themselves. I'm done giving to those who do not give back or who only give in order to GET from me. I'm too old for crap like that. It is time for grown-ups to be grown-ups. You have to GET OVER YOURSELF before you can have TRUE friendships and LASTING relationships. Sometimes you have to step back and realize that the mistakes you make in friendships (which results in not being able to keep close friends very long) is similarly related to the reason why you can't find your "dream man" and your "perfect romance". Personally, I'm tired of the games that women play in friendships. I'm sick and tired of being treated like a therapist and advice column and yet when I need to vent, bounce an idea off them etc, I'm not permitted to because it isn't about them. Relationships are give and take.....they can't be one-sided....I have allowed the one-sided friendship to continue for FAR too long.
To be an adult, to have maturity, does not require one thing....it requires many things. Being able to admit when you are wrong, not taking advantage of others, not lying to get what you want, not putting others down to make yourself appear better or feel better, not disrespecting their marriage or their friendship, not constantly making everything about you, not using others, not being only interested in how much money they make, what they can buy for you, whether or not they can bail you out every time you fail, not acting like a pathetic and desperate person who is ALWAYS the victim, not refusing to take responsibility for your actions regardless of the intent (because let's face it, you may not INTEND to slam a finger in the door but you still owe them an apology for it!)....not only are these traits signs of maturity, they are necessary for the basis of a TRUE friendship and also for a lasting romantic relationship. Without these (as well as MANY others) you WILL NEVER have security in a friendship or a relationship and you will continue to wander this world constantly searching for something to fill the void. The same goes for allowing others to get away with NOT possessing these traits. You are just as responsible for allowing others to be less than a friend, continually stepping your level of friendship up in the hopes that they will suddenly see your worth, realize they have been a SH*TTY friend, that every THING and every CONVERSATION is focused on and centered around them, and that they will FINALLY be the friend you truly deserve.
It is hard to walk away from people, but I have found it liberating.....it allows me to say "I am worth more than this. I deserve a friend who does not disrespect my marriage, my friendship with them, who doesn't take me for granted, who wants me to succeed, who is my therapist just as much as I am theirs.... I deserve better than this person is giving me....and it isn't WRONG for me to admit that." I deal with a lot of guilt when it comes to the crappy friends I have had in my life....and my crappy marriage to my ex. I tend to blame myself for the horrible things they do and say, about me and to me. Part of my journey to find myself, is letting go of that guilt. I'm not ok with "one-sided friendships"....and I refuse to be your enabler anymore. Your ISSUES are not mine, your GUILT is not mine, your MONEY PROBLEMS aren't my responsibility, your LONELINESS which results in your PATHETIC, SLUTTY and DESPERATE behavior is not my responsibility, your PATHOLOGICAL LYING is your karma to deal with not mine, your LACK of self esteem and self worth are not my issues to deal with, your need to have everything constantly CENTER around you and your delusional addiction to fantasy and the constant attempts at manipulation in order to get others to live out or feed your fantasy are YOUR shortcomings, not mine.
Thank GOD I have my small handful of true friends. We genuinely want each other to succeed....we genuinely want each other to be happy.....unlike some people who simply want their "friends" to be happy and successful so long as they aren't happier or more successful than they are (Because THAT isn't TRUE friendship). To my friends who are TRUE, I love you and I'm thankful for you all. To my mom and my sister who have always been TRUE friends to everyone they meet, I thank you for always having the patience necessary to demonstrate what it means and looks like to be a TRUE friend.
To those who perhaps feel like this blog post might be about them.....well maybe then YOU need to step back and take a long hard look and ask yourself:
Have you been on the receiving end of a "one-sided friendship" ?
If my post offends you, makes you angry, hurts your feelings or feels like it is about you, then maybe you know you aren't being a good friend to me, or to someone else, or a good daughter or sister. Maybe it is time you start apologizing to them for taking them for granted, using them, manipulating them to get what you want, looking for hand outs, disrespecting their marriage, being an embarrassment in public situations with your constant neediness and your pathological lying. Maybe you need to stop looking for someone to "take care of you" and to "validate your worth" and to "shower you with praise and compliments and gifts" and start BEING the friend they deserve.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Back in the saddle again.....
Well things around here have been truly nuts. Since my last post we went on a vacation, started school and found out that I have to have spinal surgery. Lovely. So I guess I will take this post to catch you all up on what all that has entailed for me.
In August my husband, his parents, aunt, best friend, a friend of mine and myself all went on a cruise to Progresso Mexico to see Chichen Itza, and to Cozumel, Mexico. Afterwards we went New Orleans for a few days. As usual we had a blast on all accords and of course I had a camera attached to me pretty much 24/7. :-) It was nice to not hate every photo taken of me this time. On our last trip (2011), I ended up not really wanting any photos taken of me because I felt so hideously huge. At the size I am now, I'm much more comfortable in my own skin and have finally started to be more accepting of my own flaws and have continued working on not comparing myself to others. I'm not totally ok with it all, granted I still have a lot to work on in that regard, undoing years of self-abuse takes time...the important thing is that I'm working towards it and just picking myself back up and starting again each time I "fail".
It has been assumed by my doctors that my stomach issues, migraines, skin reactions etc is chalked up to Celiac's. No official diagnosis has been obtained but that is what they keep writing in my chart. Regardless I will never eat gluten again. That being said, I was a bit concerned about eating while on our trip....was I going to be reduced to salad for lunch and dinner and eggs for breakfast every day?!? Turned out that I wasn't. :-) The cruise ship was very helpful and provided me with many choices....even desserts. In New Orleans I found that every restaurant was helpful and provided choices for me as well. The only thing I couldn't eat in New Orleans that I really wanted was beignets. But honestly I didn't feel too deprived with everyone eating them around me. I'm pretty used to it by now. :-) I also have given up pop recently. I cut it out cold turkey in July...right after my birthday. Since then I can count on one hand how many times I have had one...and every time, regardless of whether it is regular or diet, I am sick. As a matter of fact, recently at my nephew's birthday party I had one diet pop (it was a Saturday) and it wasn't until Wednesday evening or Thursday morning that I felt "normal" again......so Tea, Coffee, Water and Juice for me only. Which is fine. Mostly I drink water though....and no mix-ins anymore. I really just don't handle NutraSweet or anything that isn't pure sugar. And yet there is something else going on with my body in that department as well....when I eat sugar it jacks with my stomach/intestines.....so that is pretty sucky too. :-( It is like I'm going to end up eating Macrobiotic food now.
We all got back into Ohio, Kids came home from California and we came home from the cruise, and immediately the kids were off to school and we have French club, Steel Band, Marching Band, Wind Ensemble, Choir, Spanish club, Morning announcements, AP classes, 4H and Boy Scouts. And that is just the kids. Ben also has work and school....and I have started my classes at OSU.
We found out that for sure I have to have surgery on my back in the midst of all of this getting started. Originally they wanted to have my surgery in August...on the first day of school for me and the kids. So instead I pushed it back to December so that I also have the full 4 weeks after the end of the Fall semester until the beginning of the Spring semester to recover and I won't have to miss any school. They are going to be replacing 2 discs and putting in 2 rods and 6-12 screws in my lower back to stabilize the movement that is occurring that isn't supposed to and to alleviate the pressure on my nerves which is causing constant pain and intermittent loss of feeling. Yeah no fun. But I have a great support system so I know I will be ok. The only thing that has been freaking me out though is the fact that I can't ride my bike for a year after surgery. A YEAR. So I'm panicking about trying to control my weight with nothing but diet. That fear starts to kick in you know? How in the world am I going to lose weight I still have to lose if I'm unable to exercise? Surely starving myself isn't the way to go and abusing diet pills isn't either. I really don't want to revert back to old habits or ways of thinking. I can feel the anxiety and depression looming over me, just waiting for the moment that my surgery is over and I'm left sitting on the sofa (when I'm not doing my necessary walking therapy) and my rear end growing back to 240 lbs.
It is with that fear that I am back in the saddle again. Back on here to vent and admit my shortcomings and my strengths. I have a long way to go still. But I have come a long way. Having PCOS and being insulin resistant makes losing weight really difficult for me. As doctors have put it to me, every pound I lose is like losing 2-3 for an "average" person...someone without PCOS. I do better with my diet when I track, so I got back on MyFitnessPal.com which is a website that is free and I can track what I'm eating and doing for activities...no matter how small I can do. Yet I'm still terrified that I will go backwards. I managed to do really well over the summer with my weight and didn't gain while on our cruise...amazing right? However, my back being in as much pain as it has been has kept me from exercising which has caused me to bump up just slightly back into the 200 pound range instead of being solidly under it like I was. It has taken a lot of self control not to beat myself up for that. The doctors all said that I'm just going to have to suck it up because there isn't going to be a lot I can do about not being able to exercise if I'm in so much pain. They said, keep watching my diet, exercise when I can, and wait until after I have been given the Ok by them to get into the full swing of serious cardio again. UGH.
So there you have it. What has been going on with us, where things stand for me and how I'm dealing with it all. :-) A bit of a boring post I know, but a necessary one to clear my mind, refocus and keep going. That is all we CAN do isn't it? Set our eyes on our goals and just keep going. So that is exactly what I'm doing.
In August my husband, his parents, aunt, best friend, a friend of mine and myself all went on a cruise to Progresso Mexico to see Chichen Itza, and to Cozumel, Mexico. Afterwards we went New Orleans for a few days. As usual we had a blast on all accords and of course I had a camera attached to me pretty much 24/7. :-) It was nice to not hate every photo taken of me this time. On our last trip (2011), I ended up not really wanting any photos taken of me because I felt so hideously huge. At the size I am now, I'm much more comfortable in my own skin and have finally started to be more accepting of my own flaws and have continued working on not comparing myself to others. I'm not totally ok with it all, granted I still have a lot to work on in that regard, undoing years of self-abuse takes time...the important thing is that I'm working towards it and just picking myself back up and starting again each time I "fail".
It has been assumed by my doctors that my stomach issues, migraines, skin reactions etc is chalked up to Celiac's. No official diagnosis has been obtained but that is what they keep writing in my chart. Regardless I will never eat gluten again. That being said, I was a bit concerned about eating while on our trip....was I going to be reduced to salad for lunch and dinner and eggs for breakfast every day?!? Turned out that I wasn't. :-) The cruise ship was very helpful and provided me with many choices....even desserts. In New Orleans I found that every restaurant was helpful and provided choices for me as well. The only thing I couldn't eat in New Orleans that I really wanted was beignets. But honestly I didn't feel too deprived with everyone eating them around me. I'm pretty used to it by now. :-) I also have given up pop recently. I cut it out cold turkey in July...right after my birthday. Since then I can count on one hand how many times I have had one...and every time, regardless of whether it is regular or diet, I am sick. As a matter of fact, recently at my nephew's birthday party I had one diet pop (it was a Saturday) and it wasn't until Wednesday evening or Thursday morning that I felt "normal" again......so Tea, Coffee, Water and Juice for me only. Which is fine. Mostly I drink water though....and no mix-ins anymore. I really just don't handle NutraSweet or anything that isn't pure sugar. And yet there is something else going on with my body in that department as well....when I eat sugar it jacks with my stomach/intestines.....so that is pretty sucky too. :-( It is like I'm going to end up eating Macrobiotic food now.
We all got back into Ohio, Kids came home from California and we came home from the cruise, and immediately the kids were off to school and we have French club, Steel Band, Marching Band, Wind Ensemble, Choir, Spanish club, Morning announcements, AP classes, 4H and Boy Scouts. And that is just the kids. Ben also has work and school....and I have started my classes at OSU.
We found out that for sure I have to have surgery on my back in the midst of all of this getting started. Originally they wanted to have my surgery in August...on the first day of school for me and the kids. So instead I pushed it back to December so that I also have the full 4 weeks after the end of the Fall semester until the beginning of the Spring semester to recover and I won't have to miss any school. They are going to be replacing 2 discs and putting in 2 rods and 6-12 screws in my lower back to stabilize the movement that is occurring that isn't supposed to and to alleviate the pressure on my nerves which is causing constant pain and intermittent loss of feeling. Yeah no fun. But I have a great support system so I know I will be ok. The only thing that has been freaking me out though is the fact that I can't ride my bike for a year after surgery. A YEAR. So I'm panicking about trying to control my weight with nothing but diet. That fear starts to kick in you know? How in the world am I going to lose weight I still have to lose if I'm unable to exercise? Surely starving myself isn't the way to go and abusing diet pills isn't either. I really don't want to revert back to old habits or ways of thinking. I can feel the anxiety and depression looming over me, just waiting for the moment that my surgery is over and I'm left sitting on the sofa (when I'm not doing my necessary walking therapy) and my rear end growing back to 240 lbs.
It is with that fear that I am back in the saddle again. Back on here to vent and admit my shortcomings and my strengths. I have a long way to go still. But I have come a long way. Having PCOS and being insulin resistant makes losing weight really difficult for me. As doctors have put it to me, every pound I lose is like losing 2-3 for an "average" person...someone without PCOS. I do better with my diet when I track, so I got back on MyFitnessPal.com which is a website that is free and I can track what I'm eating and doing for activities...no matter how small I can do. Yet I'm still terrified that I will go backwards. I managed to do really well over the summer with my weight and didn't gain while on our cruise...amazing right? However, my back being in as much pain as it has been has kept me from exercising which has caused me to bump up just slightly back into the 200 pound range instead of being solidly under it like I was. It has taken a lot of self control not to beat myself up for that. The doctors all said that I'm just going to have to suck it up because there isn't going to be a lot I can do about not being able to exercise if I'm in so much pain. They said, keep watching my diet, exercise when I can, and wait until after I have been given the Ok by them to get into the full swing of serious cardio again. UGH.
So there you have it. What has been going on with us, where things stand for me and how I'm dealing with it all. :-) A bit of a boring post I know, but a necessary one to clear my mind, refocus and keep going. That is all we CAN do isn't it? Set our eyes on our goals and just keep going. So that is exactly what I'm doing.
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