This weekend I took some time off from my normal exercise routine and spent the weekend walking around Cedar Point with my husband and some friends. Had a BLAST! I decided to take some time off of "obsessing" over my diet as well because I just seem to get so hyper focused that I tend to not really ENJOY my life when it comes to food. I tend to look at food as the enemy. I like great food, have a chef for a brother, bake and cook as much as I can, and I love to enjoy it with friends. However, when we have a family breakfast or dinner I find myself stressing over how every tiny bite will make me fatter instead of enjoying the time with the people around me as much as I really want to be. Holidays are bad too because I want to make all these yummy and creative desserts and beverages but then I just start thinking of how HUGE I already am and that those things will just make me worse. I know this is normal to a degree and that everyone has those thoughts and stresses.
I worried that in "forgetting" about my diet (though I didn't completely throw it out the window), and not being anally committed to my workout and instead spent the time walking and taking lots of stairs, that I would see a gain on the scale yet again...because let's face it, that is usually how life goes for me. If I work my hardest, no "cheating", all the right workouts, tons of water..... I gain a pound to two or I stay the same. If I throw my "diet" and workout out the window and drink all sorts of other beverages then I gain 2-4 pounds or stay the same......either way I either gain or I stay the same. I could LOOK at a piece of pie and gain weight. My husband could eat a whole pizza and I would gain 5 pounds. SERIOUSLY it is discouraging.....but I promised myself I would make healthy choices but not fixate this weekend and just enjoy the time.
I got on the scale this morning to find that I had lost a pound! I broke through the plateau I was at and actually lost a pound. I know it is possible (and in all honesty fairly likely) that I will gain that pound back.....but as long as I am sticking to making healthy choices and keeping my body moving then even if the scale doesn't move in the direction it "should" then I am doing things right. I DID put on a pair of pants today that I wore to my grandfather's funeral back in February which were tight and I had to wear some girdle undies and they were STILL uncomfortably tight.....and they fit......without the girdle panties. :) Which made me feel better about my progress. :)
I feel like I am seeing some positive changes in my life. I know that I just don't view myself in a healthy way, and try as I might to just shut that off I know that it will be a long time (if ever) before I can look at myself without picking myself apart. It is a process and some of us just have to spend our lives battling that inner voice and shutting up the negative "fat girl" on the inside. I think I beat myself up for being so heavy because I feel like I failed. I "used to be" thinner, I "used to be" cute, I "used to be" curvy in a sexy way not a lumpy way, I "used to be" , I "used to be", I "used to be".... There will come a point where I no longer feel the need to say "I used to be", but I'm just not there yet.
I know that a lot of my friends don't think I have as much to lose as I do. They seem to believe that my goals are just too extreme. The truth is that I have ALWAYS weighed more than I looked like I do. It is just how my body is. I am "lucky" to carry my weight well and my large chest well. It is a blessing and a curse. Telling me I'm crazy for saying I have at least another 90 pounds to lose might seem like a "nice" thing to say, but really it just ends up feeling like sabotage. Contrary to what people seem to think (because they SAY it to me), I will NOT look anorexic or be "too skinny". I have a muscular, thicker, curvier body type with strong, toned, full curves over VERY petite, almost child sized bones. Just because you THINK you are paying someone a compliment by saying that they don't look like they need to lose what they need to lose, doesn't mean you are helping. You are actually HURTING their success because you aren't being very supportive of their efforts and the long journey they have ahead of them. I didn't set my goal for myself, it was set by my doctors after knowing my bone structure, type, density, muscular build, height, age....etc.
I will get there, the journey is long, hard and full of setbacks. But the important thing is that I am ON the journey and sticking to it...learning along the way that I AM worth it, I DO deserve it, and the work will be worth the pay off at the end of my journey...though my journey never really ends. lol
Every day I remind myself:
"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch"
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
A "Non number" success: looking at the positives
So I have been trying to look at those successes that have nothing to do with the scale. Weight for me is difficult to lose, more so than the "average" person. Because of that I really spend a lot of my time fixated on what ISN'T happening with my weight loss and fitness journey. We all do it. We all look at that one pound gain and beat ourselves up. We fee like we failed, and like it is hopeless and pointless doing all this work for NO reward. For me it is a dangerous place to be in. I tend to go to extremes to get a quick result, I feel like I failed, and feel like others judge me because they see no success and therefore think that I must be lying about what I'm doing, or that I'm doing it wrong. It often seems that way with things people say. People try to tell me how to do it, tell me I need to do what it working for them etc. I know everyone means well but it just starts to get really aggravating because I AM doing it right. I am following my doctors' orders, checking my nutrition, getting my exercise and fixing the way I view myself. In all honesty, I might never "love" myself the way that I *should*, I might never see myself the way that my wonderful husband, amazing family and close friends see me....and you know what? I am ok with that. I am a work in progress. I will always be a work in progress. The important thing is that I'm WORKING on me.
That being said, I have found a few "non scale" successes to focus on. No, the scale hasn't moved much in the last couple months. I lost 3.5 pounds, then gained 2 pounds, lost 1, gained 3, lost 2....lost 1....lol. I have felt like giving up. I have felt like it is hopeless. I felt like everything I was putting in was pointless. The last 2 weeks have been the hardest. I have been SO devoted to being healthy and exercising. I watched my calories, got an hour (at least) of good sweating, heart pounding cardio every day, squats, crunches/leg lifts etc....every day. But that darn scale hardly moved in the direction I NEED it to. I could have stopped eating, I could have done some other dangerous and unhealthy things to get the scale to move....but I didn't. And that is ONE of the non scale successes. I have lost about 4-6 inches in the last 2 weeks, and THAT is a success. No, I haven't really gone down a FULL size just yet, but my clothes are fitting better and I am more "comfortable" in my clothes now. So that is another success. The BIGGEST success for me at this point is that I have STUCK to it. THAT is a bigger success than anything else because even when it is hard, even when we don't *see* results we have to keep going. EVENTUALLY the success that you desire and work for will be obvious.
"No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everyone on the couch."
That being said, I have found a few "non scale" successes to focus on. No, the scale hasn't moved much in the last couple months. I lost 3.5 pounds, then gained 2 pounds, lost 1, gained 3, lost 2....lost 1....lol. I have felt like giving up. I have felt like it is hopeless. I felt like everything I was putting in was pointless. The last 2 weeks have been the hardest. I have been SO devoted to being healthy and exercising. I watched my calories, got an hour (at least) of good sweating, heart pounding cardio every day, squats, crunches/leg lifts etc....every day. But that darn scale hardly moved in the direction I NEED it to. I could have stopped eating, I could have done some other dangerous and unhealthy things to get the scale to move....but I didn't. And that is ONE of the non scale successes. I have lost about 4-6 inches in the last 2 weeks, and THAT is a success. No, I haven't really gone down a FULL size just yet, but my clothes are fitting better and I am more "comfortable" in my clothes now. So that is another success. The BIGGEST success for me at this point is that I have STUCK to it. THAT is a bigger success than anything else because even when it is hard, even when we don't *see* results we have to keep going. EVENTUALLY the success that you desire and work for will be obvious.
"No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everyone on the couch."
Friday, August 10, 2012
Blogging: Why I do it
I have health conditions that make weight slow to come off in the beginning. I know how to work out, I know how to eat right. I coached gymnastics for 8 years, was a figure skater, swimmer, dancer....so this isn't anything new to me. I have many friends who are personal trainers and a nutritionist at my disposal as well. My brother is an amazing chef I can call any time for advice and tips.
I didn't have a major weight issue until I was in my 20's, AFTER I had children and my hormones went awry. As a matter of fact I was always strong, fit, toned, curvy and a size 2-5 depending on the brand of clothes. At 18 I got married to my ex-husband, moved to the other side of the world and lived a very secluded life. He was hard on my self esteem and never allowed me to be as active as I was before, causing some weight gain. Which then in turn started the downward spiral. When he left 6 years later I was a young 20-something with 2 small children, working long hours to support the 3 of us. I lost a lot of weight and kept it off for several years...but it proved more difficult to keep off as I was unable to be as active as my body craved. Still, I was a good 80 pounds overweight when I met my current husband. When we started dating I guess I got "happy" and lost track of my weight for a while as a lot of us do. I gained about 30 pound that first year. I lost nearly 60 pounds in a year for our wedding. I CAN do this again. I only gained my weight back because I got sick, had emergency surgery, moved 2300 miles across the country and had my clinical depression creep back up. I have been battling a lot of health issues which regardless of the amount of work I do, weight will be slow going.
The point of my blog isn't to whine about what isn't going right and get "advice", or to get compliments from others when I'm feeling down. We all feel down at times, feel like we failed, pull ourselves back up and move forward. My POINT in doing this blog is to be HONEST about the feelings we ALL feel when trying to get healthy and change things in our lives that we have allowed to control us. It is about having that space in the world that I am able to simply be honest with myself. I hope that my honesty about how I struggle, find a way to pick myself up, find the motivation in myself and love myself more than I love good food, will speak to others who are on their own journey. I hope that it brings a sense of camaraderie for those who know what to do, know how to do it, have done it before and simply struggle with the motivation in themselves to keep going.
It is about being honest, not getting compliments or people to soothe my bruised ego. I am where I am because of choices I made. I am here because of circumstances out of my control as well, but my choices on how I handle those circumstances put me where I am. I have tried diet plans, workout regimens and having people tell me what I "have" to do to be successful. The truth is, that doesn't work for me. It doesn't work LONG term for most people. I HAVE it in myself. I know my body. I know what works and what doesn't work for me. I think for a lot of us, and most of us who have not always had a weight problem, we know what doesn't work for us. Seeking out someone else to "fix" what is broken in us and "make" us successful isn't the answer. We just have to apply what we know to our lives and not allow anything to derail us.
I have a friend, I will just call her H, who always had a weight problem. We have been friends our whole lives...literally. We are like sisters, or super close cousins who lived down the street and grew up at each others' houses. She has always been one of the most beautiful people I know. She has the biggest heart, the sweetest spirit, the best laugh and the kindest nature. She was always a little bit bigger than the other girls, taller, larger boned, more muscular and a bit heavier. And then one day she found herself to be obese. She NEVER let others see the pain she was in. Those friends closest to her would hear a little from her about how she didn't like being overweight. H embraced the identity that was assigned to her by the outside world as the "big girl" and had such grace about it. Then she just decided she was DONE with that identity. She just got to that point that she decided she wasn't willing to accept the hole someone else put her in. H worked her butt off....literally. She never let anything get her down or derail her. We would all be hanging out, planning to go see a movie or something but she would always decline if it was going to force her to skip a workout or reschedule it. No matter how much we prodded, told her it wouldn't kill her to do it later, she would refuse. "I work out at 8pm EVERY day" she would say. Either she had to be home by 7:45 pm or she couldn't leave until 9:30pm to see a movie. (Seeing as I was the only one out of HS at that point, we had to choose the first one unless it was Friday...lol) And you know what? She lost the weight. ALL of it. Years later she found herself back in the same situation. H had gained all the weight back, and then some. But she never gave up. She never complained. She just found a fix, told just a handful of family and really close friends what she was doing and did it. Now, her outsides match her insides again. Now the world sees the beautiful person we have always known she was. :)
So you see, like H would do, I am simply doing what I know works for me. It will be slow going. It always is for me in the beginning. The important thing isn't HOW if I'm healthy about it. It isn't about "getting right in the head" for me. My head is what it is, and even THIN and HEALTHY my head is a pain in the butt with the thoughts. I have major issues with my body, no matter my size. I have a few other friends who have dealt with similar issues with their bodies and have Body Dismorphic Disorder, BDD, and no matter how healthy they are, no matter what people say, or they tell themselves otherwise, they will forever battle the negative thoughts....just like I will. Only those who deal with BDD understand how these thoughts and "voices" never go away. You simply have to manage them. THAT is the reality of my every day life. I have to shut up the thoughts and "voices" by exercising or writing or venting to a close friend....though usually I vent to my Husband. :)
I write because it is therapeutic. It gets it out, allows me to SEE it for what it is and move forward. I recognize, acknowledge, dismiss and move forward. :)
Because at the end of then day:
No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch.
I didn't have a major weight issue until I was in my 20's, AFTER I had children and my hormones went awry. As a matter of fact I was always strong, fit, toned, curvy and a size 2-5 depending on the brand of clothes. At 18 I got married to my ex-husband, moved to the other side of the world and lived a very secluded life. He was hard on my self esteem and never allowed me to be as active as I was before, causing some weight gain. Which then in turn started the downward spiral. When he left 6 years later I was a young 20-something with 2 small children, working long hours to support the 3 of us. I lost a lot of weight and kept it off for several years...but it proved more difficult to keep off as I was unable to be as active as my body craved. Still, I was a good 80 pounds overweight when I met my current husband. When we started dating I guess I got "happy" and lost track of my weight for a while as a lot of us do. I gained about 30 pound that first year. I lost nearly 60 pounds in a year for our wedding. I CAN do this again. I only gained my weight back because I got sick, had emergency surgery, moved 2300 miles across the country and had my clinical depression creep back up. I have been battling a lot of health issues which regardless of the amount of work I do, weight will be slow going.
The point of my blog isn't to whine about what isn't going right and get "advice", or to get compliments from others when I'm feeling down. We all feel down at times, feel like we failed, pull ourselves back up and move forward. My POINT in doing this blog is to be HONEST about the feelings we ALL feel when trying to get healthy and change things in our lives that we have allowed to control us. It is about having that space in the world that I am able to simply be honest with myself. I hope that my honesty about how I struggle, find a way to pick myself up, find the motivation in myself and love myself more than I love good food, will speak to others who are on their own journey. I hope that it brings a sense of camaraderie for those who know what to do, know how to do it, have done it before and simply struggle with the motivation in themselves to keep going.
It is about being honest, not getting compliments or people to soothe my bruised ego. I am where I am because of choices I made. I am here because of circumstances out of my control as well, but my choices on how I handle those circumstances put me where I am. I have tried diet plans, workout regimens and having people tell me what I "have" to do to be successful. The truth is, that doesn't work for me. It doesn't work LONG term for most people. I HAVE it in myself. I know my body. I know what works and what doesn't work for me. I think for a lot of us, and most of us who have not always had a weight problem, we know what doesn't work for us. Seeking out someone else to "fix" what is broken in us and "make" us successful isn't the answer. We just have to apply what we know to our lives and not allow anything to derail us.
I have a friend, I will just call her H, who always had a weight problem. We have been friends our whole lives...literally. We are like sisters, or super close cousins who lived down the street and grew up at each others' houses. She has always been one of the most beautiful people I know. She has the biggest heart, the sweetest spirit, the best laugh and the kindest nature. She was always a little bit bigger than the other girls, taller, larger boned, more muscular and a bit heavier. And then one day she found herself to be obese. She NEVER let others see the pain she was in. Those friends closest to her would hear a little from her about how she didn't like being overweight. H embraced the identity that was assigned to her by the outside world as the "big girl" and had such grace about it. Then she just decided she was DONE with that identity. She just got to that point that she decided she wasn't willing to accept the hole someone else put her in. H worked her butt off....literally. She never let anything get her down or derail her. We would all be hanging out, planning to go see a movie or something but she would always decline if it was going to force her to skip a workout or reschedule it. No matter how much we prodded, told her it wouldn't kill her to do it later, she would refuse. "I work out at 8pm EVERY day" she would say. Either she had to be home by 7:45 pm or she couldn't leave until 9:30pm to see a movie. (Seeing as I was the only one out of HS at that point, we had to choose the first one unless it was Friday...lol) And you know what? She lost the weight. ALL of it. Years later she found herself back in the same situation. H had gained all the weight back, and then some. But she never gave up. She never complained. She just found a fix, told just a handful of family and really close friends what she was doing and did it. Now, her outsides match her insides again. Now the world sees the beautiful person we have always known she was. :)
So you see, like H would do, I am simply doing what I know works for me. It will be slow going. It always is for me in the beginning. The important thing isn't HOW if I'm healthy about it. It isn't about "getting right in the head" for me. My head is what it is, and even THIN and HEALTHY my head is a pain in the butt with the thoughts. I have major issues with my body, no matter my size. I have a few other friends who have dealt with similar issues with their bodies and have Body Dismorphic Disorder, BDD, and no matter how healthy they are, no matter what people say, or they tell themselves otherwise, they will forever battle the negative thoughts....just like I will. Only those who deal with BDD understand how these thoughts and "voices" never go away. You simply have to manage them. THAT is the reality of my every day life. I have to shut up the thoughts and "voices" by exercising or writing or venting to a close friend....though usually I vent to my Husband. :)
I write because it is therapeutic. It gets it out, allows me to SEE it for what it is and move forward. I recognize, acknowledge, dismiss and move forward. :)
Because at the end of then day:
No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Two steps forward, one step back
I have been really good about getting at least an hour of cardio and 20 minutes of crunches and squats in every day. I have also been great about watching my calories in to calories out. No snacking, no eating out of boredom.....and I have lost some weight. Only go gain some back every couple days. SIGH
I have reached that point in my weight loss where there just isn't any getting past it! I know that once I break that barrier (that perpetual plateau we all hit at various places in our journey) the weight will start to just fall off...until I hit the next perpetual plateau. But MAN is it irritating, frustrating and completely discouraging. I have lost 13 pounds since LAST August. In a year I have managed to lose 13 pounds. SIGH I should be happy for the success, because a loss is a loss and in the face of all I have had to deal with for the last year, I'm lucky I didn't gain 30 pounds. But it is so hard to feel like it is a success. This time last year I weighed the most I have ever weighed. I'm fighting to stay on track. I'm battling an overwhelming feeling of failure. But I'm battling and I guess that is a good thing.
There are times I feel like it is pointless. But I still get on the stationary bike and cycle my first 30 minutes. There are times I feel like it is hopeless. But I still get on the floor and start my crunches and do my squats. There are times I feel like a joke....just the fatty kidding herself into thinking she will ever be pretty. But I get back on that bike for my second 30 minute ride. Some days I want to stay in my PJ's, refuse to eat or just stuff my face all day.....but I FORCE myself to get in my workout clothes. Sometimes that is as far as I get in the morning and it isn't until after lunch that I can force myself to do my workout.... but I force myself knowing that after I'm done I will feel like I accomplished something, even if the scale says I gained the same darned 2 pounds I lost before.
It is discouraging when you KNOW you aren't "cheating", when you KNOW you are getting at least an hour of cardio to burn fat and sometimes push yourself for 2 hours of cardio. It is depressing when you put on clothes that should be too big (you think) now that you have been dedicated for a good month on the workout and diet......and they still fit. :( It is hard to feel attractive when everything out there tells us that being overweight or fat is unattractive. We are told Thin is beautiful and Fat is repulsive. We are taught to find our self-worth in our size....and we scrutinize everyone, holding them up against ourselves to see where we fall in comparison.
I love fashion, I always have....but it is depressing to look at clothes and imagine yourself wearing cute outfits when you know they won't look the same on you because you are overweight. Even "plus size" fashion is shown on women who are super tall. So even though they might wear the same size NUMBER as I do, they are tall and therefore have a flat stomach, shapely hips (but not large bulging hips), no double chin or chunky legs or arms. Sure they are "thicker" than skinny waif models but they certainly don't look like the majority of "plus size" women. So I know even THOSE outfits won't look right on me, I have too many areas that bulge and wobble.
All this is discouraging and frustrating, but at least I'm not giving up. I might be taking a step back for every 2 I take forward but at least I'm moving.
"No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everyone on the couch."
I have reached that point in my weight loss where there just isn't any getting past it! I know that once I break that barrier (that perpetual plateau we all hit at various places in our journey) the weight will start to just fall off...until I hit the next perpetual plateau. But MAN is it irritating, frustrating and completely discouraging. I have lost 13 pounds since LAST August. In a year I have managed to lose 13 pounds. SIGH I should be happy for the success, because a loss is a loss and in the face of all I have had to deal with for the last year, I'm lucky I didn't gain 30 pounds. But it is so hard to feel like it is a success. This time last year I weighed the most I have ever weighed. I'm fighting to stay on track. I'm battling an overwhelming feeling of failure. But I'm battling and I guess that is a good thing.
There are times I feel like it is pointless. But I still get on the stationary bike and cycle my first 30 minutes. There are times I feel like it is hopeless. But I still get on the floor and start my crunches and do my squats. There are times I feel like a joke....just the fatty kidding herself into thinking she will ever be pretty. But I get back on that bike for my second 30 minute ride. Some days I want to stay in my PJ's, refuse to eat or just stuff my face all day.....but I FORCE myself to get in my workout clothes. Sometimes that is as far as I get in the morning and it isn't until after lunch that I can force myself to do my workout.... but I force myself knowing that after I'm done I will feel like I accomplished something, even if the scale says I gained the same darned 2 pounds I lost before.
It is discouraging when you KNOW you aren't "cheating", when you KNOW you are getting at least an hour of cardio to burn fat and sometimes push yourself for 2 hours of cardio. It is depressing when you put on clothes that should be too big (you think) now that you have been dedicated for a good month on the workout and diet......and they still fit. :( It is hard to feel attractive when everything out there tells us that being overweight or fat is unattractive. We are told Thin is beautiful and Fat is repulsive. We are taught to find our self-worth in our size....and we scrutinize everyone, holding them up against ourselves to see where we fall in comparison.
I love fashion, I always have....but it is depressing to look at clothes and imagine yourself wearing cute outfits when you know they won't look the same on you because you are overweight. Even "plus size" fashion is shown on women who are super tall. So even though they might wear the same size NUMBER as I do, they are tall and therefore have a flat stomach, shapely hips (but not large bulging hips), no double chin or chunky legs or arms. Sure they are "thicker" than skinny waif models but they certainly don't look like the majority of "plus size" women. So I know even THOSE outfits won't look right on me, I have too many areas that bulge and wobble.
All this is discouraging and frustrating, but at least I'm not giving up. I might be taking a step back for every 2 I take forward but at least I'm moving.
"No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everyone on the couch."
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Taking a new perspective.....
It is pretty much given. We have all heard it a dozen times. We KNOW it in our heads and try to apply it in our lives, but until that moment that it 'clicks' we just can't seem to find success. After struggling quite a bit and starting to feel sorry for myself (which in turn creates my moments of silence with this blog of mine) I decided that I was done. My health doesn't allow me to do as much as I want to, but not pushing myself to do SOMETHING is simply making matters worse. I have tried to see if my issue is gluten, which going gluten free seemed to help my digestion and some of my arthritic issues, but it is far too expensive and restrictive for me to stick to long term....and lets face it, I BAKE as therapy. So I decided to keep myself at "gluten light", in that I am careful to not eat a LOT of wheat...and that seems to help.
A lot of people I know are on various "diets" that involve special shakes or drinks and though I am genuinely happy for them with their success, it gets very difficult to deal with the constant pleas from them to start drinking the shakes they drink. Let's face it, all plans like that are basically the same. A vitamin and protein rich flavored powder is mixed with water/soy milk/ fat free milk/yogurt and ice or frozen fruits or veggies etc. All those plans mean for you to replace 2 meals a day with their shakes. It isn't that these plans don't work...they do. You WILL lose weight. The hard part is sticking to the diet long term AND keeping the weight off. MOST people will return to their "normal" eating habits once they are off the program. And if they never go off the program, they still have to "maintain" with at least one of these shakes every day. VERY costly at the end of it all because you are still shopping for regular food....especially if you have a house full of people who don't eat the way you do....like I do!
THEN you have the "special foods" diets. These programs have you eat pre-measured, pre-packaged or delivered foods. The problem I find with these diets is also that once you stop eating what they give you, once you go out to eat, or you start eating on your own, you will gain weight. This is because you never really learned how to handle regular every day life and interactions with others and food.
And then you have things that are exercise focused. Exercise is crucial, exercise is necessary to losing weight. HOWEVER, specific programs and workouts are not better than others necessarily. Joining a fitness club, camp, attending a seminar on fitness, boot camps, fitness classes are all great ways to get in some daily exercise to help get you toned and burn fat. But NOT doing those isn't going to make me or anyone else UNsuccessful. The goal is to burn more calories than you consume every day.....THAT is how you lose weight.
At the end of the day it is about Calories in VS Calories out. That is all. Granted, eating junk and stuffing your face and then working out to a point of exhaustion to make up your poor choices isn't good for you either, but paying attention to the nutritional content of the foods you eat, AND being sure that you burn around 500 calories a day MORE than you eat in a day, is the best way to lose the healthy 1 pound a week.
I appreciate the encouragement from friends and family who are on a weight loss and fitness journey as well. They understand and can relate to some of my struggles. However, what gets very aggravating is all the "advice" about getting my head right, and that it isn't about being "skinny" (which I never said it was to begin with), or that I just need to focus on being "healthy" and that somehow all these people are now "experts" just because they learned something new. It is aggravating because all of these people have STRUGGLED too....with the same self esteem issues, they have all put their self worth into their appearance....I know them all well and have known them most of my life, I have seen it first hand in their lives. I know the intent is to be helpful, and to encourage, and to "save" me the struggles they have encountered...but the thing is that nothing is really changed for some of them. They STILL put their worth into their appearance and the only reason why they don't feel like they do is because they are starting to LIKE what they see in the mirror. I am genuinely happy for their successes, and I appreciate the sharing of things they learned recently or along their own journey....they just shouldn't talk to me like I don't know what I am doing. I KNOW how to lose the weight, I KNOW how to get healthy....my entire childhood was spent being active and eating healthy. Not focusing on my weight and losing it, simply focusing on my "insides" never helped me with the weight loss, it actually facilitated my weight gain.
cardio and 30 minutes to an hour of strength and toning then I am going to eat closer to 1400-1500 calories that day. I try to have a deficit of no less than 500.
Ask any fitness guru (personally I like Jillian Michaels) and they will tell you, it is about calories in vs calories out. I hope all my friends and family find long lasting, forever success in their endeavors to get healthy and to lose some unhealthy weight. But I am done with gimmicks, fads, special drinks, pre-packaged foods or weight loss pills. And I am NOT into deprivation when it comes to food either. If I completely cut out something then I feel deprived and I just eat a ton of it later. Instead, I'm going to do what I learned in the ONLY program I have ever seen TRULY educate and correct a relationship with food. Good food in and burn more calories than I eat. :)
Good luck everyone.....sorry if I offended anyone, it isn't my intent. Just being honest and open...it is great that programs are so far working for each of you, I am just done with "fad" products.
A lot of people I know are on various "diets" that involve special shakes or drinks and though I am genuinely happy for them with their success, it gets very difficult to deal with the constant pleas from them to start drinking the shakes they drink. Let's face it, all plans like that are basically the same. A vitamin and protein rich flavored powder is mixed with water/soy milk/ fat free milk/yogurt and ice or frozen fruits or veggies etc. All those plans mean for you to replace 2 meals a day with their shakes. It isn't that these plans don't work...they do. You WILL lose weight. The hard part is sticking to the diet long term AND keeping the weight off. MOST people will return to their "normal" eating habits once they are off the program. And if they never go off the program, they still have to "maintain" with at least one of these shakes every day. VERY costly at the end of it all because you are still shopping for regular food....especially if you have a house full of people who don't eat the way you do....like I do!
THEN you have the "special foods" diets. These programs have you eat pre-measured, pre-packaged or delivered foods. The problem I find with these diets is also that once you stop eating what they give you, once you go out to eat, or you start eating on your own, you will gain weight. This is because you never really learned how to handle regular every day life and interactions with others and food.
And then you have things that are exercise focused. Exercise is crucial, exercise is necessary to losing weight. HOWEVER, specific programs and workouts are not better than others necessarily. Joining a fitness club, camp, attending a seminar on fitness, boot camps, fitness classes are all great ways to get in some daily exercise to help get you toned and burn fat. But NOT doing those isn't going to make me or anyone else UNsuccessful. The goal is to burn more calories than you consume every day.....THAT is how you lose weight.
At the end of the day it is about Calories in VS Calories out. That is all. Granted, eating junk and stuffing your face and then working out to a point of exhaustion to make up your poor choices isn't good for you either, but paying attention to the nutritional content of the foods you eat, AND being sure that you burn around 500 calories a day MORE than you eat in a day, is the best way to lose the healthy 1 pound a week.
I appreciate the encouragement from friends and family who are on a weight loss and fitness journey as well. They understand and can relate to some of my struggles. However, what gets very aggravating is all the "advice" about getting my head right, and that it isn't about being "skinny" (which I never said it was to begin with), or that I just need to focus on being "healthy" and that somehow all these people are now "experts" just because they learned something new. It is aggravating because all of these people have STRUGGLED too....with the same self esteem issues, they have all put their self worth into their appearance....I know them all well and have known them most of my life, I have seen it first hand in their lives. I know the intent is to be helpful, and to encourage, and to "save" me the struggles they have encountered...but the thing is that nothing is really changed for some of them. They STILL put their worth into their appearance and the only reason why they don't feel like they do is because they are starting to LIKE what they see in the mirror. I am genuinely happy for their successes, and I appreciate the sharing of things they learned recently or along their own journey....they just shouldn't talk to me like I don't know what I am doing. I KNOW how to lose the weight, I KNOW how to get healthy....my entire childhood was spent being active and eating healthy. Not focusing on my weight and losing it, simply focusing on my "insides" never helped me with the weight loss, it actually facilitated my weight gain.
cardio and 30 minutes to an hour of strength and toning then I am going to eat closer to 1400-1500 calories that day. I try to have a deficit of no less than 500.
Ask any fitness guru (personally I like Jillian Michaels) and they will tell you, it is about calories in vs calories out. I hope all my friends and family find long lasting, forever success in their endeavors to get healthy and to lose some unhealthy weight. But I am done with gimmicks, fads, special drinks, pre-packaged foods or weight loss pills. And I am NOT into deprivation when it comes to food either. If I completely cut out something then I feel deprived and I just eat a ton of it later. Instead, I'm going to do what I learned in the ONLY program I have ever seen TRULY educate and correct a relationship with food. Good food in and burn more calories than I eat. :)
Good luck everyone.....sorry if I offended anyone, it isn't my intent. Just being honest and open...it is great that programs are so far working for each of you, I am just done with "fad" products.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
A lesson to be learned...
Today's blog is about lessons. Sometimes the road we set out on to find ourselves, get healthy, change a bad habit, be happier, live a more fulfilling life (whatever your goals are) turns out to be different than the one we end up on. We have to learn to be flexible to those changes in that road that lead us down a different path.
I set out on this journey with the goal of a half marathon this year. Clearly my health and my doctors had a different plan for me. So my path changed. I still plan on completing a half marathon, it just probably won't be this year. My goal this year is now to get healthy once and for all, to better my mindset and to get myself ready for that OTHER journey...to complete the half marathon. :)
This entry is also about being patient. I have learned in my life that nothing happens immediately, that we have to be patient for the changes to happen. At the same time though, we have to learn to be patient with ourselves. We will fail now and then, and though we FEEL like a failure we have to view these moments as character shaping obstacles, whittling away the rough edges and smoothing us out to "perfection". It takes us time to reform good habits, to let go of the pain and regret, to look to the future and recognize the beauty in our personal triumphs.
You have to learn to be your own advocate, to fight for what your body needs, to look at your life and try new things to figure out what is going on in yourself that could aid in your success. Learning to step outside of your comfort zone can open a whole new world you didn't know existed. It opens your heart, your eyes and your mind to the possibilities and a whole new adventure.
To get away from medications I have taken my health into my own hands. Now don't get me wrong, I am still seeing my doctors, I still take certain medications (for now anyway) but I'm changing my relationship with wheat in particular. After much consideration and reading I have decided to try to go gluten-free. This isn't for everyone, as a matter of fact no one else in my family (at this juncture) is doing this with me. Wheat is a known contributor to inflammation in the body and having arthritis in most of my body (including my spine, feet, shoulders, elbows and hands) reducing my wheat intake, as I did at the start of the year, greatly benefits me. In addition to this fact, gluten can also contribute to headaches, bloating, constipation, diarrhea, dry skin, skin rashes, increased fatigue and weight loss/weight gain. I had watched a program that was talking about Celiac's and gluten sensitivities and suddenly it all made sense. This could very well be what is making me sick. So I have embarked on this NEW journey of going gluten free, in the hopes that it might be the "simple" solution for my health to get back on track.
My path has taken a turn, but the ultimate goal still remains the same. To find "me" in the middle of all this. To "fix' the areas of my life I want to fix. To be the best "me" I can, the healthiest, the happiest I can possibly be. I am learning to be patient, to be honest, to be flexible when the journey changes or I have a detour.
I set out on this journey with the goal of a half marathon this year. Clearly my health and my doctors had a different plan for me. So my path changed. I still plan on completing a half marathon, it just probably won't be this year. My goal this year is now to get healthy once and for all, to better my mindset and to get myself ready for that OTHER journey...to complete the half marathon. :)
This entry is also about being patient. I have learned in my life that nothing happens immediately, that we have to be patient for the changes to happen. At the same time though, we have to learn to be patient with ourselves. We will fail now and then, and though we FEEL like a failure we have to view these moments as character shaping obstacles, whittling away the rough edges and smoothing us out to "perfection". It takes us time to reform good habits, to let go of the pain and regret, to look to the future and recognize the beauty in our personal triumphs.
You have to learn to be your own advocate, to fight for what your body needs, to look at your life and try new things to figure out what is going on in yourself that could aid in your success. Learning to step outside of your comfort zone can open a whole new world you didn't know existed. It opens your heart, your eyes and your mind to the possibilities and a whole new adventure.
To get away from medications I have taken my health into my own hands. Now don't get me wrong, I am still seeing my doctors, I still take certain medications (for now anyway) but I'm changing my relationship with wheat in particular. After much consideration and reading I have decided to try to go gluten-free. This isn't for everyone, as a matter of fact no one else in my family (at this juncture) is doing this with me. Wheat is a known contributor to inflammation in the body and having arthritis in most of my body (including my spine, feet, shoulders, elbows and hands) reducing my wheat intake, as I did at the start of the year, greatly benefits me. In addition to this fact, gluten can also contribute to headaches, bloating, constipation, diarrhea, dry skin, skin rashes, increased fatigue and weight loss/weight gain. I had watched a program that was talking about Celiac's and gluten sensitivities and suddenly it all made sense. This could very well be what is making me sick. So I have embarked on this NEW journey of going gluten free, in the hopes that it might be the "simple" solution for my health to get back on track.
My path has taken a turn, but the ultimate goal still remains the same. To find "me" in the middle of all this. To "fix' the areas of my life I want to fix. To be the best "me" I can, the healthiest, the happiest I can possibly be. I am learning to be patient, to be honest, to be flexible when the journey changes or I have a detour.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Getting back on waggon....when failure seems inevitable
This has been a long time coming. I have been gone from my blog, I would like to say because of various life circumstances, but that would not be entirely true. Yes, it is true that I have had some health issues, resulting in limited ability to do much, but the truth is that I managed to get out to class. My health didn't allow for any movement....so exercise was out. The REAL reason why I have been absent from my blog though is because I didn't want to be honest and forthcoming with how much of a failure I feel like I am. I have gained and lost the same 8 pounds over and over again. We all have those times I know...but it is hard to feel motivated and like you can and will succeed when no matter what you seem to do you can't lose much weight.
I feel like I failed. I feel like I'm powerless. It isn't that I over eat exactly. I eat 3 times a day...if that. The issue for me is that I have fallen into that terrible cycle that so many of us fall into. That circle of depression-guilt-motivation-failure-guilt-depression.....and on and on and on. So obviously I just end up feeling like what is the point? All the books and articles I read about PCOS basically say that weight is an issue for us all. So I end up feeling like I might as well get used to be fat and feeling hideous for the rest of my life....love the skin you are in....or in my case just deal with it. I don't want to just "deal with it". I don't want to just "accept it". How can I be content with feeling ugly and disgusting because of the "skin" I'm in?
It is a dilemma so many of us find ourselves in. We want to feel secure and happy with the person we are, and to accept our bodies are merely vessels and not WHO we are. But the honest truth of it all is that the outside appearance does matter. We judge ourselves by it....and as much as we don't want to admit it, others judge us by it too. Studies have been done, where they take a group of people, of all shapes and sizes and then they state what their first impressions are on the other people. Regardless of if a person is overweight or thin, they listed the thin people as "attractive, active, successful, energetic.....etc" and they listed the overweight people as "unattractive, lazy, failures, unmotivated....etc". Forget the fact that some of them were overweight themselves. I know many people who are very active and yet are a little overweight.
We all have things we don't succeed at....the hardest part is that when you are struggling with your weight EVERYONE sees your failures. As if it isn't hard enough to deal with your failures on your own, in your own head and heart....everyone else can see that you are losing the battle, and you can feel their scrutiny. I hate it when people who either don't have a weight issue or who are ok with their size tell you that people judging you is all in your head or to just not worry what others think. Try living every day with people inspecting you, judging you, giving you funny looks, and whispering. You hear whispering....you see them looking at you and laughing....they aren't as discreet as they think they are. It hurts, it is hard to deal with...but those who are overweight are supposed to just smile, laugh it off and move on. We are supposed to act like it doesn't hurt. But the honest truth is we are shunned, mocked and judged.
I hate that though. Society goes to great lengths to shame you for struggling with your weight, for having medical conditions that make you gain weight or make it difficult to lose weight. You are shamed for being depressed and told to just suck it up, get over and be happy, just "lose weight". They tell you that when you really want it you will go for it....it isn't always about wanting it bad enough, it is also about having support to do it, the tools to do it, the strength to do it. I have the support, the will, the desire, the tools....I think I just don't have the strength to fight anymore with the failure looming over me. Maybe that is the issue, I expect to fail now because all I have done is fail even though I have tried and worked for it with no success.
It is so hard not to feel like "maybe I should just stop eating altogether" because I know that won't work either.....nothing seems to. I can eat 1500 calories or I can eat 800 in a day... I gain and lose the same 8 pounds. I can cut out bread, or sugar, or soda pop, or meat.....I lose and gain the same 8 pounds. I can exercise, or not....I seem to gain and lose the same 8 pounds. But every time I feel completely defeated, and I want to give up...and just accept that I'm not ever going to be beautiful and thin again, I do a 180 and suddenly feel like "I can do this" and I dive head first again.
It is a never ending circle. I want to get off the cycle....I'm trying....but it is hard to remain motivated when you constantly feel like a failure.
I feel like I failed. I feel like I'm powerless. It isn't that I over eat exactly. I eat 3 times a day...if that. The issue for me is that I have fallen into that terrible cycle that so many of us fall into. That circle of depression-guilt-motivation-failure-guilt-depression.....and on and on and on. So obviously I just end up feeling like what is the point? All the books and articles I read about PCOS basically say that weight is an issue for us all. So I end up feeling like I might as well get used to be fat and feeling hideous for the rest of my life....love the skin you are in....or in my case just deal with it. I don't want to just "deal with it". I don't want to just "accept it". How can I be content with feeling ugly and disgusting because of the "skin" I'm in?
It is a dilemma so many of us find ourselves in. We want to feel secure and happy with the person we are, and to accept our bodies are merely vessels and not WHO we are. But the honest truth of it all is that the outside appearance does matter. We judge ourselves by it....and as much as we don't want to admit it, others judge us by it too. Studies have been done, where they take a group of people, of all shapes and sizes and then they state what their first impressions are on the other people. Regardless of if a person is overweight or thin, they listed the thin people as "attractive, active, successful, energetic.....etc" and they listed the overweight people as "unattractive, lazy, failures, unmotivated....etc". Forget the fact that some of them were overweight themselves. I know many people who are very active and yet are a little overweight.
We all have things we don't succeed at....the hardest part is that when you are struggling with your weight EVERYONE sees your failures. As if it isn't hard enough to deal with your failures on your own, in your own head and heart....everyone else can see that you are losing the battle, and you can feel their scrutiny. I hate it when people who either don't have a weight issue or who are ok with their size tell you that people judging you is all in your head or to just not worry what others think. Try living every day with people inspecting you, judging you, giving you funny looks, and whispering. You hear whispering....you see them looking at you and laughing....they aren't as discreet as they think they are. It hurts, it is hard to deal with...but those who are overweight are supposed to just smile, laugh it off and move on. We are supposed to act like it doesn't hurt. But the honest truth is we are shunned, mocked and judged.
I hate that though. Society goes to great lengths to shame you for struggling with your weight, for having medical conditions that make you gain weight or make it difficult to lose weight. You are shamed for being depressed and told to just suck it up, get over and be happy, just "lose weight". They tell you that when you really want it you will go for it....it isn't always about wanting it bad enough, it is also about having support to do it, the tools to do it, the strength to do it. I have the support, the will, the desire, the tools....I think I just don't have the strength to fight anymore with the failure looming over me. Maybe that is the issue, I expect to fail now because all I have done is fail even though I have tried and worked for it with no success.
It is so hard not to feel like "maybe I should just stop eating altogether" because I know that won't work either.....nothing seems to. I can eat 1500 calories or I can eat 800 in a day... I gain and lose the same 8 pounds. I can cut out bread, or sugar, or soda pop, or meat.....I lose and gain the same 8 pounds. I can exercise, or not....I seem to gain and lose the same 8 pounds. But every time I feel completely defeated, and I want to give up...and just accept that I'm not ever going to be beautiful and thin again, I do a 180 and suddenly feel like "I can do this" and I dive head first again.
It is a never ending circle. I want to get off the cycle....I'm trying....but it is hard to remain motivated when you constantly feel like a failure.
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