Well things around here have been truly nuts. Since my last post we went on a vacation, started school and found out that I have to have spinal surgery. Lovely. So I guess I will take this post to catch you all up on what all that has entailed for me.
In August my husband, his parents, aunt, best friend, a friend of mine and myself all went on a cruise to Progresso Mexico to see Chichen Itza, and to Cozumel, Mexico. Afterwards we went New Orleans for a few days. As usual we had a blast on all accords and of course I had a camera attached to me pretty much 24/7. :-) It was nice to not hate every photo taken of me this time. On our last trip (2011), I ended up not really wanting any photos taken of me because I felt so hideously huge. At the size I am now, I'm much more comfortable in my own skin and have finally started to be more accepting of my own flaws and have continued working on not comparing myself to others. I'm not totally ok with it all, granted I still have a lot to work on in that regard, undoing years of self-abuse takes time...the important thing is that I'm working towards it and just picking myself back up and starting again each time I "fail".
It has been assumed by my doctors that my stomach issues, migraines, skin reactions etc is chalked up to Celiac's. No official diagnosis has been obtained but that is what they keep writing in my chart. Regardless I will never eat gluten again. That being said, I was a bit concerned about eating while on our trip....was I going to be reduced to salad for lunch and dinner and eggs for breakfast every day?!? Turned out that I wasn't. :-) The cruise ship was very helpful and provided me with many choices....even desserts. In New Orleans I found that every restaurant was helpful and provided choices for me as well. The only thing I couldn't eat in New Orleans that I really wanted was beignets. But honestly I didn't feel too deprived with everyone eating them around me. I'm pretty used to it by now. :-) I also have given up pop recently. I cut it out cold turkey in July...right after my birthday. Since then I can count on one hand how many times I have had one...and every time, regardless of whether it is regular or diet, I am sick. As a matter of fact, recently at my nephew's birthday party I had one diet pop (it was a Saturday) and it wasn't until Wednesday evening or Thursday morning that I felt "normal" again......so Tea, Coffee, Water and Juice for me only. Which is fine. Mostly I drink water though....and no mix-ins anymore. I really just don't handle NutraSweet or anything that isn't pure sugar. And yet there is something else going on with my body in that department as well....when I eat sugar it jacks with my stomach/intestines.....so that is pretty sucky too. :-( It is like I'm going to end up eating Macrobiotic food now.
We all got back into Ohio, Kids came home from California and we came home from the cruise, and immediately the kids were off to school and we have French club, Steel Band, Marching Band, Wind Ensemble, Choir, Spanish club, Morning announcements, AP classes, 4H and Boy Scouts. And that is just the kids. Ben also has work and school....and I have started my classes at OSU.
We found out that for sure I have to have surgery on my back in the midst of all of this getting started. Originally they wanted to have my surgery in August...on the first day of school for me and the kids. So instead I pushed it back to December so that I also have the full 4 weeks after the end of the Fall semester until the beginning of the Spring semester to recover and I won't have to miss any school. They are going to be replacing 2 discs and putting in 2 rods and 6-12 screws in my lower back to stabilize the movement that is occurring that isn't supposed to and to alleviate the pressure on my nerves which is causing constant pain and intermittent loss of feeling. Yeah no fun. But I have a great support system so I know I will be ok. The only thing that has been freaking me out though is the fact that I can't ride my bike for a year after surgery. A YEAR. So I'm panicking about trying to control my weight with nothing but diet. That fear starts to kick in you know? How in the world am I going to lose weight I still have to lose if I'm unable to exercise? Surely starving myself isn't the way to go and abusing diet pills isn't either. I really don't want to revert back to old habits or ways of thinking. I can feel the anxiety and depression looming over me, just waiting for the moment that my surgery is over and I'm left sitting on the sofa (when I'm not doing my necessary walking therapy) and my rear end growing back to 240 lbs.
It is with that fear that I am back in the saddle again. Back on here to vent and admit my shortcomings and my strengths. I have a long way to go still. But I have come a long way. Having PCOS and being insulin resistant makes losing weight really difficult for me. As doctors have put it to me, every pound I lose is like losing 2-3 for an "average" person...someone without PCOS. I do better with my diet when I track, so I got back on MyFitnessPal.com which is a website that is free and I can track what I'm eating and doing for activities...no matter how small I can do. Yet I'm still terrified that I will go backwards. I managed to do really well over the summer with my weight and didn't gain while on our cruise...amazing right? However, my back being in as much pain as it has been has kept me from exercising which has caused me to bump up just slightly back into the 200 pound range instead of being solidly under it like I was. It has taken a lot of self control not to beat myself up for that. The doctors all said that I'm just going to have to suck it up because there isn't going to be a lot I can do about not being able to exercise if I'm in so much pain. They said, keep watching my diet, exercise when I can, and wait until after I have been given the Ok by them to get into the full swing of serious cardio again. UGH.
So there you have it. What has been going on with us, where things stand for me and how I'm dealing with it all. :-) A bit of a boring post I know, but a necessary one to clear my mind, refocus and keep going. That is all we CAN do isn't it? Set our eyes on our goals and just keep going. So that is exactly what I'm doing.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Back in the Saddle....
I've been away for far too long, for that I am sorry, not to anyone who reads my ranting but to myself because I have allowed myself to become derailed in my ever present journey to rediscover the "me" that I have buried for far too long. So with that, I'm back.....
Have you ever thought that things are just too difficult to continue trying to achieve what you think you are meant to chase? Discouragement can be an ever present foe, gnawing at the path before us, sweeping away the well laid guide we have set for ourselves. I think this is where I have found myself lately and also why I allowed myself to step away for so long from this blog. It didn't begin with discouragement actually, but I think it extended so long because of it.
My journey isn't just about my weight, or my health. It isn't simply about learning to accept myself with all my flaws. It isn't about simply becoming the "me" I think I want to be or who I thought I was at one point in my life. This journey and therefore my journey has become about self discovery. It is about letting go of my past, embracing the adventures of my future and discovering who I am supposed to be.
I have held a lot of preconceptions of who or what I am meant to be, and had no clue really who or what I wanted to be...but I never really took the time to stop and listen and see what I am lead to the truth of myself. I am doing that now, and this blog is about my journey to this point and any point I find myself coming to after this one. I used to say "I am 34 years old and I have know idea what I want to be when I grow up" :-). Well this year I turned 35, and I know what I want to be when I grow up. As cheesy at it sounds and incredibly cliché, I want to be "me" and to be happy with that. I want a career I'm happy doing every day. I finally decided that instead of trying to fit myself into one set box, I needed to allow myself to be all that I know I am and to find a way to be all those things at the same time because I would feel like I was missing something or a piece of me if I didn't fulfill the pursuit of them.
So let's see...since my last post I have graduated from community college, gotten my weight under control then a little out of control again, scheduled classes at OSU, ready to start in the fall, and rediscovered my love of writing more than just random ramblings in blog form.
So here I am....ready to allow myself to be what I am, who I am, and allow myself to just experience and enjoy the journey. That isn't to say that there aren't going to be obstacles. I'm just choosing to approach life with the positive outlook I have always tried to maintain. So, here I find myself, ready to approach the path before me and to stop trying to force that path into what I THINK it needs to be. I need to just allow myself to follow my heart, those things we find that feed our souls are usually the paths we are meant to traverse at least for a period of time.
I am creative, emotional, kind, generous, loyal, sensitive and honest. Creativity is my way of self expression and to stifle my own voice is a disservice to myself. To be true to yourself is to not stifle your own voice. So, back in the saddle I am riding...down the bumpy road of life and treasuring the nuances of the adventure. I am so incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful family to travel the roads of life with me, enjoying the adventures we encounter, and who patiently allow me to stumble, fail and learn.
I hope you are all enjoying your ride. It is good to be back in the saddle of self discovery.
Have you ever thought that things are just too difficult to continue trying to achieve what you think you are meant to chase? Discouragement can be an ever present foe, gnawing at the path before us, sweeping away the well laid guide we have set for ourselves. I think this is where I have found myself lately and also why I allowed myself to step away for so long from this blog. It didn't begin with discouragement actually, but I think it extended so long because of it.
My journey isn't just about my weight, or my health. It isn't simply about learning to accept myself with all my flaws. It isn't about simply becoming the "me" I think I want to be or who I thought I was at one point in my life. This journey and therefore my journey has become about self discovery. It is about letting go of my past, embracing the adventures of my future and discovering who I am supposed to be.
I have held a lot of preconceptions of who or what I am meant to be, and had no clue really who or what I wanted to be...but I never really took the time to stop and listen and see what I am lead to the truth of myself. I am doing that now, and this blog is about my journey to this point and any point I find myself coming to after this one. I used to say "I am 34 years old and I have know idea what I want to be when I grow up" :-). Well this year I turned 35, and I know what I want to be when I grow up. As cheesy at it sounds and incredibly cliché, I want to be "me" and to be happy with that. I want a career I'm happy doing every day. I finally decided that instead of trying to fit myself into one set box, I needed to allow myself to be all that I know I am and to find a way to be all those things at the same time because I would feel like I was missing something or a piece of me if I didn't fulfill the pursuit of them.
So let's see...since my last post I have graduated from community college, gotten my weight under control then a little out of control again, scheduled classes at OSU, ready to start in the fall, and rediscovered my love of writing more than just random ramblings in blog form.
So here I am....ready to allow myself to be what I am, who I am, and allow myself to just experience and enjoy the journey. That isn't to say that there aren't going to be obstacles. I'm just choosing to approach life with the positive outlook I have always tried to maintain. So, here I find myself, ready to approach the path before me and to stop trying to force that path into what I THINK it needs to be. I need to just allow myself to follow my heart, those things we find that feed our souls are usually the paths we are meant to traverse at least for a period of time.
I am creative, emotional, kind, generous, loyal, sensitive and honest. Creativity is my way of self expression and to stifle my own voice is a disservice to myself. To be true to yourself is to not stifle your own voice. So, back in the saddle I am riding...down the bumpy road of life and treasuring the nuances of the adventure. I am so incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful family to travel the roads of life with me, enjoying the adventures we encounter, and who patiently allow me to stumble, fail and learn.
I hope you are all enjoying your ride. It is good to be back in the saddle of self discovery.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
No "success" is still progress?!? : Plateaus, bloating and bathroom problems.
I have hit another annoying plateau. We all hit them. Some of us hang out around those weights or sizes and it seems no matter what we do we can't break past them. I'm there. Although I was able to get the scale to move past that horrible 205 mark, I can't get it to pass the 203 mark now. It is frustrating to say the least. It is the same with sizes. I'm stuck at that 14 and it won't budge.
THIS IS STILL A SUCCESS!
How is this a success? Well for one I'm still working at it. And two I'm not gaining.
I will be totally honest (because that is the whole POINT of this blog right?)...my weight fluctuates GREATLY throughout the week...from day to day and from week to week based on nothing that makes any sense other than, my body is confused. I'm not building muscle or anything like that so lets not get all carried away with the whole "muscle weighs more than fat" because a pound is a pound is a pound.....but a pound of muscle LOOKS better than a pound of fat does. My weight can be 203 one morning and then the next day it will say 206.....the next day it will say 207 and then it will say 203 again. I eat pretty much the same foods every day... I have to because of my dietary restrictions...it just makes it easier to have staples in the house that I CAN eat and that I don't have to try to figure out what to eat. The problem is my "irregularity" I am sure....AND I realized this week that I can't have barley in addition to the wheat. :-( Any time I have anything with wheat or barley I puff up. I get so bloated, so uncomfortable, my stomach is killing me, I get dizzy, migraines, itchy skin you name it....and the bathroom issue strikes too....I end up looking pregnant I am so bloated.
It turns out that I have more and more signs of Celiac's, the more research I do. It might be time for a new doctor for me, because the one I have seems to be dismissing me again. If you don't have diarrhea then you don't have Celiac's...and yet the #1 dismissed symptom is constipation....hmmmm. Drink more water they say, eat more veggies they say...Um, I don't eat bread or pasta so I eat veggies....and I drink 144-164 ounces of water every day. Try a laxative they say, those don't work on me.....no matter how many I take....which is a major indicator that the patient should be tested for Celiac's. sigh. Regardless of having the diagnosis or not...ever...I won't go back to eating gluten. I just feel so horrible when I eat it. It might not make me lose weight to be gluten free, but at least now my body can heal (it takes about a year for an adult to heal the villi) and I will get proper nutrition from the foods I eat. So that is another type of progress I'm making.
But, I'm still working at it. I'm not "trying" I AM losing weight. It is slowly and often seems like there is no progress at all.....but even when I don't have a success on the scale, or in dropping a size, I'm still making progress because it is another day that I have made GOOD choices.
No scale loss or size shrinking or better fitting clothes does not mean you are not making progress or having any success. Sometimes the success if found in that you are not giving up....and this week that is my success.
THIS IS STILL A SUCCESS!
How is this a success? Well for one I'm still working at it. And two I'm not gaining.
I will be totally honest (because that is the whole POINT of this blog right?)...my weight fluctuates GREATLY throughout the week...from day to day and from week to week based on nothing that makes any sense other than, my body is confused. I'm not building muscle or anything like that so lets not get all carried away with the whole "muscle weighs more than fat" because a pound is a pound is a pound.....but a pound of muscle LOOKS better than a pound of fat does. My weight can be 203 one morning and then the next day it will say 206.....the next day it will say 207 and then it will say 203 again. I eat pretty much the same foods every day... I have to because of my dietary restrictions...it just makes it easier to have staples in the house that I CAN eat and that I don't have to try to figure out what to eat. The problem is my "irregularity" I am sure....AND I realized this week that I can't have barley in addition to the wheat. :-( Any time I have anything with wheat or barley I puff up. I get so bloated, so uncomfortable, my stomach is killing me, I get dizzy, migraines, itchy skin you name it....and the bathroom issue strikes too....I end up looking pregnant I am so bloated.
It turns out that I have more and more signs of Celiac's, the more research I do. It might be time for a new doctor for me, because the one I have seems to be dismissing me again. If you don't have diarrhea then you don't have Celiac's...and yet the #1 dismissed symptom is constipation....hmmmm. Drink more water they say, eat more veggies they say...Um, I don't eat bread or pasta so I eat veggies....and I drink 144-164 ounces of water every day. Try a laxative they say, those don't work on me.....no matter how many I take....which is a major indicator that the patient should be tested for Celiac's. sigh. Regardless of having the diagnosis or not...ever...I won't go back to eating gluten. I just feel so horrible when I eat it. It might not make me lose weight to be gluten free, but at least now my body can heal (it takes about a year for an adult to heal the villi) and I will get proper nutrition from the foods I eat. So that is another type of progress I'm making.
But, I'm still working at it. I'm not "trying" I AM losing weight. It is slowly and often seems like there is no progress at all.....but even when I don't have a success on the scale, or in dropping a size, I'm still making progress because it is another day that I have made GOOD choices.
No scale loss or size shrinking or better fitting clothes does not mean you are not making progress or having any success. Sometimes the success if found in that you are not giving up....and this week that is my success.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Wait.....what?!? You need clothes again?
Ok so today is a different kind of post.
Yes, I'm still a fatty, no I didn't exercise today or at all after my last post....ok so I went to the Columbus Zoo on the WORST day (they had a huge Easter event the Saturday before Easter and it was PACKED) and walked for what seemed like 100 miles, but was more like 3. I had Easter with my family up north which was nice and my kids are on Spring Beak but I am not.
The topic is clothes. How do you dress a body that has...how do I put this....shape?!?
I find that at 34 years old, 2 teenagers and being in college full time that I dress like I'm 16 still. Chucks, t-shirt, hoodie or sweater.....yup. THAT is what I have been reduced to. I'm too short for the average size clothes, everything must me taken up so that it fits me. Then you have my hips and my chest coupled with a relatively small waist (at least when you compare it to my butt and boobs it is small)....they just don't make clothes for me. Being so short (just barely under 5'2") if it fits my chest it is too big everywhere else....if I get something that doesn't fit too horribly then it is too broad in the shoulders. Then there are the pants, skirts, dresses.....if it fits my hips it is too big in the waist, if I get something that fits my waist I can't get it up my thighs. And don't get me started on my post 2 babies flabby tummy that seems to bulge and sag and wobble no matter what I do. I don't want to have to wear spanx in everything I own just feel like I'm not some disgusting sausage stuffed into a too tight casing.
Clothing manufacturers don't help any. They market to "the beautiful people"....the "thin" people and then try to get them to be skinnier. I wasn't always extra curvy with a side of curvy....I know, I was "thin" once. Though even by industry standards I was fat, I was a size 2-4...a muscular, yet curvy size 2-4. But I was made to think I was grossly obese. Now that I truly am obese, my options are basically boxy, large clothing in fabrics that remind me of old women and styles that make me look matronly...or thin, flimsy overpriced attempts at giving us something SORT OF like what the beautiful people get to wear. Sure there are a few places that I can find clothing I genuinely like and would wear, Torrid, ModCloth, PinupGirlClothing....but lets face it, $75 for a pair of pants (on the "cheaper" end of things) that will wear through from "chub rub" with in 3 months OR that I will either grow out of or shrink out of in that amount of time is a bit ridiculous.
I used to love to shop....even though I couldn't dress in all the stuff my friends wore growing up I still loved fashion and always managed to find something I could wear and feel pretty in. Now, I have a panic attack just planning to go shopping....at least if I'm buying for me. First off, I have to drive 45 minutes just to get to a store and try stuff on. Even then there is no promise that they will have anything that fits me ok....pants aren't too bad because the main issue I have with them is the length at Torrid....but shirts, what are they thinking sometimes?!? The shoulders are so broad that I look like a football player. OR they are so shapeless in an attempt to hide imperfections that I end up looking like I'm wearing a potato sack!
So basically we are to either look like we are 15 or like we are 50. I just want to grab the fashion industry by the neck and shake them...violently. I want to prop their eyes open and force them to see that "fat" girls need cute, flattering clothing that doesn't make them feel worse about themselves. Providing me with unflattering materials (polyester) that do not move, breathe and flow with my curves by skimming them is not going to make me not be disgusting.....it actually makes it more likely that we will end up squeezing into the styles that you DO provide, in sizes that don't fit us just so that we don't walk around naked and further offend anyone.
Sure we can order online, but then we have to wait 7-10 days to receive clothing that probably won't fit right since we can't try them on..then we have to PAY to send them back and get the "proper" size, which may or may not fit either. Don't even get me started on those "size charts".....really?!? A size XXL in one store is a 4X in another and an XL in yet another. SIGH. I find too that when I measure myself to determine the size they say I wear, it is often WAY too big....or WAY too small when I get it!
The truth is that I'm 34 years old and I don't want to look 40, I don't want to look 20... I want to look like me. I'm funny, sweet, outgoing, creative, friendly and easy going, I'm a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter and a friend. I'm also a student and like to have comfy days that don't require baggy sweats and my husband's sweatshirts. I deserve to feel beautiful regardless of the size on my label. I deserve to look cute and not like I'm in my 50's. I deserve to feel beautiful regardless of my weight and not hike my pants up to smooth out my belly, topped with baggy sweatshirts and tops which only make me look LARGER. Just because I'm "cursed" or "blessed" with curves doesn't mean I should be ashamed of them because they don't meet the fashion industry's standards of anorexic.
And this is what I face...4 weeks before my graduation....I don't want to settle for "what fits"... I want to feel like I was able to find something I LOVE rather than just something I "like". I feel like I constantly settle....for what fits and for what I can afford that sort of fits. It doesn't seem fair that those of us that are deemed "fat" not only have to dress ourselves within the parameters of our wallets like the rest of the world, but we also have to work within a set of guidelines that are set for us, in order to avoid causing those around us to vomit, to not offend anyone else and also to be ok with looking either childish or matronly.
So the search continues......
At this point I am still determined to not "settle".....I still feel like I have a right to look GOOD for my graduation and for my party afterwards.
Yes, I'm still a fatty, no I didn't exercise today or at all after my last post....ok so I went to the Columbus Zoo on the WORST day (they had a huge Easter event the Saturday before Easter and it was PACKED) and walked for what seemed like 100 miles, but was more like 3. I had Easter with my family up north which was nice and my kids are on Spring Beak but I am not.
The topic is clothes. How do you dress a body that has...how do I put this....shape?!?
I find that at 34 years old, 2 teenagers and being in college full time that I dress like I'm 16 still. Chucks, t-shirt, hoodie or sweater.....yup. THAT is what I have been reduced to. I'm too short for the average size clothes, everything must me taken up so that it fits me. Then you have my hips and my chest coupled with a relatively small waist (at least when you compare it to my butt and boobs it is small)....they just don't make clothes for me. Being so short (just barely under 5'2") if it fits my chest it is too big everywhere else....if I get something that doesn't fit too horribly then it is too broad in the shoulders. Then there are the pants, skirts, dresses.....if it fits my hips it is too big in the waist, if I get something that fits my waist I can't get it up my thighs. And don't get me started on my post 2 babies flabby tummy that seems to bulge and sag and wobble no matter what I do. I don't want to have to wear spanx in everything I own just feel like I'm not some disgusting sausage stuffed into a too tight casing.
Clothing manufacturers don't help any. They market to "the beautiful people"....the "thin" people and then try to get them to be skinnier. I wasn't always extra curvy with a side of curvy....I know, I was "thin" once. Though even by industry standards I was fat, I was a size 2-4...a muscular, yet curvy size 2-4. But I was made to think I was grossly obese. Now that I truly am obese, my options are basically boxy, large clothing in fabrics that remind me of old women and styles that make me look matronly...or thin, flimsy overpriced attempts at giving us something SORT OF like what the beautiful people get to wear. Sure there are a few places that I can find clothing I genuinely like and would wear, Torrid, ModCloth, PinupGirlClothing....but lets face it, $75 for a pair of pants (on the "cheaper" end of things) that will wear through from "chub rub" with in 3 months OR that I will either grow out of or shrink out of in that amount of time is a bit ridiculous.
I used to love to shop....even though I couldn't dress in all the stuff my friends wore growing up I still loved fashion and always managed to find something I could wear and feel pretty in. Now, I have a panic attack just planning to go shopping....at least if I'm buying for me. First off, I have to drive 45 minutes just to get to a store and try stuff on. Even then there is no promise that they will have anything that fits me ok....pants aren't too bad because the main issue I have with them is the length at Torrid....but shirts, what are they thinking sometimes?!? The shoulders are so broad that I look like a football player. OR they are so shapeless in an attempt to hide imperfections that I end up looking like I'm wearing a potato sack!
So basically we are to either look like we are 15 or like we are 50. I just want to grab the fashion industry by the neck and shake them...violently. I want to prop their eyes open and force them to see that "fat" girls need cute, flattering clothing that doesn't make them feel worse about themselves. Providing me with unflattering materials (polyester) that do not move, breathe and flow with my curves by skimming them is not going to make me not be disgusting.....it actually makes it more likely that we will end up squeezing into the styles that you DO provide, in sizes that don't fit us just so that we don't walk around naked and further offend anyone.
Sure we can order online, but then we have to wait 7-10 days to receive clothing that probably won't fit right since we can't try them on..then we have to PAY to send them back and get the "proper" size, which may or may not fit either. Don't even get me started on those "size charts".....really?!? A size XXL in one store is a 4X in another and an XL in yet another. SIGH. I find too that when I measure myself to determine the size they say I wear, it is often WAY too big....or WAY too small when I get it!
The truth is that I'm 34 years old and I don't want to look 40, I don't want to look 20... I want to look like me. I'm funny, sweet, outgoing, creative, friendly and easy going, I'm a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter and a friend. I'm also a student and like to have comfy days that don't require baggy sweats and my husband's sweatshirts. I deserve to feel beautiful regardless of the size on my label. I deserve to look cute and not like I'm in my 50's. I deserve to feel beautiful regardless of my weight and not hike my pants up to smooth out my belly, topped with baggy sweatshirts and tops which only make me look LARGER. Just because I'm "cursed" or "blessed" with curves doesn't mean I should be ashamed of them because they don't meet the fashion industry's standards of anorexic.
And this is what I face...4 weeks before my graduation....I don't want to settle for "what fits"... I want to feel like I was able to find something I LOVE rather than just something I "like". I feel like I constantly settle....for what fits and for what I can afford that sort of fits. It doesn't seem fair that those of us that are deemed "fat" not only have to dress ourselves within the parameters of our wallets like the rest of the world, but we also have to work within a set of guidelines that are set for us, in order to avoid causing those around us to vomit, to not offend anyone else and also to be ok with looking either childish or matronly.
So the search continues......
At this point I am still determined to not "settle".....I still feel like I have a right to look GOOD for my graduation and for my party afterwards.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
I'm a Failure....
I am a complete and utter failure. I'd love to get on here and say that isn't true exactly....but I am. I've been a failure, I didn't follow through and I failed. I started out on this workout routine, which I stuck to for a week....I only took one day off....and then the treadmill broke and I got my excuse.
Needless to say I have not worked out at all since then....and I have gained weight because I also stopped tracking my food like I usually do, decreased my water consumption and replaced it with diet pop and coffee. Yay for me. Yeah not so much.
So I'm a failure this week. But at least I know WHY I failed when it came to sticking to the workout routine I set for myself and why I failed when it comes to the scale.....so that is a victory in and of itself.....right? I have to remind myself that I can't expect to have a loss every week.....but of course I then remind myself back that I have lost and gained the same 3 pounds over the last month or so anyway. Then I have to remind myself that I can't expect myself to lose weight when I start working out because I'm building muscle...but lets face it, that is only partially true.
The truth is, I gave up before it was a habit. I gave up because it was hard and I wanted to have it easy....and I have paid the price on the scale for that. And I'm trying to learn that lesson and pick my big butt up and start again. You won't always have success in the forms you want to see it. You won't always have success. It IS hard. It IS hard work that takes dedication and determination and sometimes we are weak and sometimes we give up.
The only way to reverse the gaining trend I'm on right now is to refocus, rededicate, pick my big butt up and try again. As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day.....well neither was my fat butt....so it isn't going to be demolished and toned in a day, or a week either.
Yes, I will admit..... I am a complete and utter failure.......and that is ok as long as I don't let myself stay that way.
Needless to say I have not worked out at all since then....and I have gained weight because I also stopped tracking my food like I usually do, decreased my water consumption and replaced it with diet pop and coffee. Yay for me. Yeah not so much.
So I'm a failure this week. But at least I know WHY I failed when it came to sticking to the workout routine I set for myself and why I failed when it comes to the scale.....so that is a victory in and of itself.....right? I have to remind myself that I can't expect to have a loss every week.....but of course I then remind myself back that I have lost and gained the same 3 pounds over the last month or so anyway. Then I have to remind myself that I can't expect myself to lose weight when I start working out because I'm building muscle...but lets face it, that is only partially true.
The truth is, I gave up before it was a habit. I gave up because it was hard and I wanted to have it easy....and I have paid the price on the scale for that. And I'm trying to learn that lesson and pick my big butt up and start again. You won't always have success in the forms you want to see it. You won't always have success. It IS hard. It IS hard work that takes dedication and determination and sometimes we are weak and sometimes we give up.
The only way to reverse the gaining trend I'm on right now is to refocus, rededicate, pick my big butt up and try again. As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day.....well neither was my fat butt....so it isn't going to be demolished and toned in a day, or a week either.
Yes, I will admit..... I am a complete and utter failure.......and that is ok as long as I don't let myself stay that way.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Sometimes it is hard.......
Sometimes it is hard to admit to ourselves that we are weak. We give up on ourselves so often because we don't want to face the facts that it takes hard work to get anything that is truly worth it. So we struggle for a while with things like working out or dieting and then we give up. Usually we make excuses like "I just don't have time" or "I take the stairs every day so that is my exercise". The truth is, we are weak and we are lazy....we want results with no effort. We want the magic pill that makes it all better. Sometimes it is hard to admit to ourselves that we have flaws and we will struggle, and so we set ourselves up for failure.
Sometimes it is even harder to admit that we are strong enough. It is easier to just say, "I can't" than it is to say, "I CAN". You CAN change what you don't like. You CAN be a more positive person. You CAN say no to a cookie....face it, that COOKIE has no power....you just have to practice some restraint and say no to yourself. You CAN say yes to 20 minutes of exercise, you just have to MAKE yourself do it sometimes. The truth is, until it becomes a habit it will be hard. It will be hard when you don't see results to keep going. THAT is where you have to tell yourself the honest truth...."I am strong enough to do this".
Thursday was day one of my new exercise routine...which as I said is a "four letter word" to me...and though I didn't want to some days, I have kept to my promise to myself to not take more than one day off in a week from doing it.....well so far anyway. :-) I took Sunday off. My treadmill decided not to work yesterday when my husband decided he wanted to try my workout too...which meant I couldn't do mine.....now the EASY thing would have been to just NOT work out, but I felt like I was cheating myself out of the body I DESERVE if I did that. So I got on the stationary bike instead.
The key, I have found, is to be consistent. I won't see success at ALL if I don't stick to it. What do I have to lose besides the weight? I will lose additional pain that comes from feeling like a failure. I will lose additional physical pain that the excess weight puts on my already broken and deteriorating body. The truth is, God gave me this body to take care of while I'm here on earth and I have not been a good steward of this body....not as good as I could be. It is never too late to start.
I have to remind myself all the time that it takes 4 weeks for you to notice changes in your body, 8 weeks for friends and family and 12 for the rest of the world to see it....so I have to give it 12 weeks before I can "quit". And even then, I know I won't want to. It takes 4 weeks to form a new habit and even longer to break one...so by the time I "can quit" if I don't see any changes in my body, I won't want to because it has become a good habit. :-) There are ways to work around the "easy way out", you just have to find what works for you....for me, it is just doing it and promising myself I will thank me for it later.
"The hardest lift to do is your butt of the couch"
"No matter how slow you go you are still lapping everyone on the couch"
Sometimes it is hard to admit that we are weak, but it is harder to admit that we are strong enough. But we ARE strong enough.
Sometimes it is even harder to admit that we are strong enough. It is easier to just say, "I can't" than it is to say, "I CAN". You CAN change what you don't like. You CAN be a more positive person. You CAN say no to a cookie....face it, that COOKIE has no power....you just have to practice some restraint and say no to yourself. You CAN say yes to 20 minutes of exercise, you just have to MAKE yourself do it sometimes. The truth is, until it becomes a habit it will be hard. It will be hard when you don't see results to keep going. THAT is where you have to tell yourself the honest truth...."I am strong enough to do this".
Thursday was day one of my new exercise routine...which as I said is a "four letter word" to me...and though I didn't want to some days, I have kept to my promise to myself to not take more than one day off in a week from doing it.....well so far anyway. :-) I took Sunday off. My treadmill decided not to work yesterday when my husband decided he wanted to try my workout too...which meant I couldn't do mine.....now the EASY thing would have been to just NOT work out, but I felt like I was cheating myself out of the body I DESERVE if I did that. So I got on the stationary bike instead.
The key, I have found, is to be consistent. I won't see success at ALL if I don't stick to it. What do I have to lose besides the weight? I will lose additional pain that comes from feeling like a failure. I will lose additional physical pain that the excess weight puts on my already broken and deteriorating body. The truth is, God gave me this body to take care of while I'm here on earth and I have not been a good steward of this body....not as good as I could be. It is never too late to start.
I have to remind myself all the time that it takes 4 weeks for you to notice changes in your body, 8 weeks for friends and family and 12 for the rest of the world to see it....so I have to give it 12 weeks before I can "quit". And even then, I know I won't want to. It takes 4 weeks to form a new habit and even longer to break one...so by the time I "can quit" if I don't see any changes in my body, I won't want to because it has become a good habit. :-) There are ways to work around the "easy way out", you just have to find what works for you....for me, it is just doing it and promising myself I will thank me for it later.
"The hardest lift to do is your butt of the couch"
"No matter how slow you go you are still lapping everyone on the couch"
Sometimes it is hard to admit that we are weak, but it is harder to admit that we are strong enough. But we ARE strong enough.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
The hardest lift of all is lifting your butt off the couch
Day one of my new workout routine.
Ok so let me preface this with "workouts" and me just don't get along. Oh I like being active, don't get me wrong, but the words "workout routine" and I just have NEVER been "besties"....EVER. I was always a very active kid and an even more active teenager. It wasn't until after I had kids that I found that the level of activity needed to chase after kids was not getting the job done. So like many of us do, I got fatter. I should have gone back to what I knew, to what I loved about the kinds of exercise I had done before...nothing really FELT like exercise and instead I was just having fun. But I can sit here and "should've, would've, could've" myself to death....and let's face it, we all have excuses and "reasons" some valid, some not, for not lifting our butts off the couch and MOVING out bodies.
Food has never really been a problem for me. I understand and recognize proper portions. I know balanced meals are better than not and HOW to make them...not just slop something on a plate and call it dinner. My mother has always been very health conscious and instilled in all of us kids what GOOD, WHOLESOME and NATURAL food is...what it looks like, what it tastes like and how to prepare it in interesting ways. She did it on a sometimes really tight budget too...and we ALWAYS had extra kids at our house...that woman still amazes me. My dad is a WONDERFUL cook as well, introduced me to exotic meats and seemingly strange ways of preparing it...even wild game. (My dad makes an amazing Alligator Chili BTW), my little brother is a most amazing and creative chef as well, with his degree in Culinary Arts and is always my go to guy for "what wine goes with my dinner" information. So I know how and what to do with food. The more colors on your plate the better.....your plate should be mostly veggies, then lean protein, then little carbohydrates.....yes I know all that...and to be honest MOST of the time that is how I eat. So FOOD isn't so much of a problem.
My issue has always been that I simply don't move enough for the food that I eat. My body requires fuel, but I usually am not burning all the fuel I am taking in. Or as has been the most recent issue, and the reason for my plateau in weight loss.....I am burning the FUEL but not the reserves! Just walking is not going to cut it any more. It just isn't. It is time to face that. I'm not going to get my sculpted body back just by cutting calories and making better choices on my food. Ok yes, cutting out fried foods and carb heavy meals will HELP me lose pounds on a scale....BUT 120 lbs of flabby thin self is not nearly as cute as 130 lbs of sculpted lean muscle self.....personally I would rather have the latter....the number on the scale just can't be that much of a focus in our lives that we value it over the actual SELF we see. Period.
So today, I made the attempt to make peace with my nemesis.....Workout Routine.....Oh how I despise thee....and I know the feeling is mutual. I can tell you hate me too by the week of dedication I show you and the non loss I see on the scale and no budge in the measurements....seriously....after a week I generally GAIN weight and my clothes feel tighter not looser! It is like I am wearing my skin a size too small after the first week or two. This is what I find most discouraging about "workout routines". You give 2 weeks......dedicate and stick to it for 2 weeks...and you seem to go backwards. That isn't seeing NO progress that is seeing BACKWARDS progress. It is usually at this point that I give up.....that is if I last that long. The other issue I have with these "routines" is that they are ROUTINES so I feel like I *have* to do them or I'm failing myself and everyone else. The truth is, my muscles hurt, my joints are screaming, by the end of the day (since I try to work out in the morning as much as possible...when I actually do it) I'm so stiff and sore that I can hardly breathe without pain....sleep?!? HA! But today, I decided to try again anyway.
I don't know what is going to make it different this time. I would like to think that I'm just that much more focused and determined..but I don't know if that is really it. I would like to say that I have really high hopes for the progress I'm going to see in the next 2 weeks....but I don't. Maybe that is sad but I don't. I'm not looking at it and thinking "ok so I'm going to lose 2 pounds each week"....nope...I'm not looking at it and saying "ok I'm going to go down another pant size in 2 weeks"...nope. It doesn't mean I'm not wishing that I would have that kind of success, I'm just not holding out hope for that because I know how this always works with me. I stick to it for a week or two and I give up because I'm not seeing results. THIS time, I'm just trying to STICK TO IT. If all I gain is that my endurance is up from what it was when I started then so be it. If all that happens is I am buffer underneath my protective layer of fat, then so be it. The important thing is that today, I laced up my running shoes and I LIFTED MY BUTT OFF THAT COUCH. I then got on my treadmill.....
AND I RAN.
That is right folks, I RAN. I have never in my life ran on a treadmill. Not even at a size 2 did I EVER run on a treadmill. I'm always afraid I'm going to put my eye out. (ha ha my busty gals will understand that one) I always figure skated, swam, danced or tumbled (gymnastics) for exercise..running was not really required. So, I found a 2 week running plan for the treadmill online (Pinterest.....LOVE IT) and I had to modify it a bit for myself but I did it. I did running intervals on my treadmill for the first time in my life. 20 minutes of that done, I moved on to a super basic "Arm workout for beginners" which I again modified but it was to do the bicep curls WITH weights instead of without....and then some of my crunches I normally do. I decided to skip the squats and lunges this week to let my body adjust to the extra workouts. :-)
So here I sit. SORE. Yet I feel pretty accomplished. I did something I have never done, and I'm going to get up tomorrow and I'm going to do it again. Today just brought me one day closer to the body I not only WANT, but to the body I DESERVE.
"No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everyone on the couch"~ ?
"The hardest lift of all is lifting your butt off the couch" ~ ?
"What you give is all you deserve to get" ~ Me
Ok so let me preface this with "workouts" and me just don't get along. Oh I like being active, don't get me wrong, but the words "workout routine" and I just have NEVER been "besties"....EVER. I was always a very active kid and an even more active teenager. It wasn't until after I had kids that I found that the level of activity needed to chase after kids was not getting the job done. So like many of us do, I got fatter. I should have gone back to what I knew, to what I loved about the kinds of exercise I had done before...nothing really FELT like exercise and instead I was just having fun. But I can sit here and "should've, would've, could've" myself to death....and let's face it, we all have excuses and "reasons" some valid, some not, for not lifting our butts off the couch and MOVING out bodies.
Food has never really been a problem for me. I understand and recognize proper portions. I know balanced meals are better than not and HOW to make them...not just slop something on a plate and call it dinner. My mother has always been very health conscious and instilled in all of us kids what GOOD, WHOLESOME and NATURAL food is...what it looks like, what it tastes like and how to prepare it in interesting ways. She did it on a sometimes really tight budget too...and we ALWAYS had extra kids at our house...that woman still amazes me. My dad is a WONDERFUL cook as well, introduced me to exotic meats and seemingly strange ways of preparing it...even wild game. (My dad makes an amazing Alligator Chili BTW), my little brother is a most amazing and creative chef as well, with his degree in Culinary Arts and is always my go to guy for "what wine goes with my dinner" information. So I know how and what to do with food. The more colors on your plate the better.....your plate should be mostly veggies, then lean protein, then little carbohydrates.....yes I know all that...and to be honest MOST of the time that is how I eat. So FOOD isn't so much of a problem.
My issue has always been that I simply don't move enough for the food that I eat. My body requires fuel, but I usually am not burning all the fuel I am taking in. Or as has been the most recent issue, and the reason for my plateau in weight loss.....I am burning the FUEL but not the reserves! Just walking is not going to cut it any more. It just isn't. It is time to face that. I'm not going to get my sculpted body back just by cutting calories and making better choices on my food. Ok yes, cutting out fried foods and carb heavy meals will HELP me lose pounds on a scale....BUT 120 lbs of flabby thin self is not nearly as cute as 130 lbs of sculpted lean muscle self.....personally I would rather have the latter....the number on the scale just can't be that much of a focus in our lives that we value it over the actual SELF we see. Period.
So today, I made the attempt to make peace with my nemesis.....Workout Routine.....Oh how I despise thee....and I know the feeling is mutual. I can tell you hate me too by the week of dedication I show you and the non loss I see on the scale and no budge in the measurements....seriously....after a week I generally GAIN weight and my clothes feel tighter not looser! It is like I am wearing my skin a size too small after the first week or two. This is what I find most discouraging about "workout routines". You give 2 weeks......dedicate and stick to it for 2 weeks...and you seem to go backwards. That isn't seeing NO progress that is seeing BACKWARDS progress. It is usually at this point that I give up.....that is if I last that long. The other issue I have with these "routines" is that they are ROUTINES so I feel like I *have* to do them or I'm failing myself and everyone else. The truth is, my muscles hurt, my joints are screaming, by the end of the day (since I try to work out in the morning as much as possible...when I actually do it) I'm so stiff and sore that I can hardly breathe without pain....sleep?!? HA! But today, I decided to try again anyway.
I don't know what is going to make it different this time. I would like to think that I'm just that much more focused and determined..but I don't know if that is really it. I would like to say that I have really high hopes for the progress I'm going to see in the next 2 weeks....but I don't. Maybe that is sad but I don't. I'm not looking at it and thinking "ok so I'm going to lose 2 pounds each week"....nope...I'm not looking at it and saying "ok I'm going to go down another pant size in 2 weeks"...nope. It doesn't mean I'm not wishing that I would have that kind of success, I'm just not holding out hope for that because I know how this always works with me. I stick to it for a week or two and I give up because I'm not seeing results. THIS time, I'm just trying to STICK TO IT. If all I gain is that my endurance is up from what it was when I started then so be it. If all that happens is I am buffer underneath my protective layer of fat, then so be it. The important thing is that today, I laced up my running shoes and I LIFTED MY BUTT OFF THAT COUCH. I then got on my treadmill.....
AND I RAN.
That is right folks, I RAN. I have never in my life ran on a treadmill. Not even at a size 2 did I EVER run on a treadmill. I'm always afraid I'm going to put my eye out. (ha ha my busty gals will understand that one) I always figure skated, swam, danced or tumbled (gymnastics) for exercise..running was not really required. So, I found a 2 week running plan for the treadmill online (Pinterest.....LOVE IT) and I had to modify it a bit for myself but I did it. I did running intervals on my treadmill for the first time in my life. 20 minutes of that done, I moved on to a super basic "Arm workout for beginners" which I again modified but it was to do the bicep curls WITH weights instead of without....and then some of my crunches I normally do. I decided to skip the squats and lunges this week to let my body adjust to the extra workouts. :-)
So here I sit. SORE. Yet I feel pretty accomplished. I did something I have never done, and I'm going to get up tomorrow and I'm going to do it again. Today just brought me one day closer to the body I not only WANT, but to the body I DESERVE.
"No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everyone on the couch"~ ?
"The hardest lift of all is lifting your butt off the couch" ~ ?
"What you give is all you deserve to get" ~ Me
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