This year I decided that I was not going to focus so much on the number on the scale that I become obsessed with it. So far I have been doing rather well with that. Of course that is easy to do when you are LOSING consistently. But when you see a gain, even a little one, it is hard to not let it eat away at you.
Last week at my weigh-in I found that I had gained a little weight. The holidays caught up with me, I was lazy about tracking, I didn't drink enough water and basically, I was lazy with staying on track. We all do it. We are human. So I gained .8 of a pound. What got me was that it bumped me back up a number. I think if I had gone from 211 to 211.8 it would not have FELT like a huge gain....but I went from 211.2 to 212. So I saw that "horrible" 212 pounds on the scale it felt like I was seeing 237 pounds again. Now I knew in my head that it was a small gain and that it is expected, especially after holidays and having a harder time getting back on track. But I was "self loathing" over the number on the scale and beating myself up for being lazy. I had to step back and remind myself what my "new year's resolution" was. The truth is that a "thin" person's weight doesn't stay exactly the same all the time. Weight fluctuates. I know because I wasn't always the "fat friend". Weight fluctuates when at a "healthy weight range"....which is why there is a RANGE. So I had to remind myself that my weight was allowed to "fluctuate" as well.
I was within that 2 pound weight fluctuation zone and I just needed to recognize that I was freaking out over .8 of a pound gain coming off of holidays and laziness. I was LUCKY it wasn't 5 pounds. So I got myself straightened out, vented at my Husband and one of my best friends, and pulled myself together. Let's face it, when I get to "goal" my weight is going to fluctuate. I can't be freaking out and suddenly turning to starving myself or diet gimmicks because the NUMBER on the scale went up .2 of a pound. What a miserable way to live my life. Constantly focused on the scale. Constantly worried about what EVERYTHING will look like on the scale. I need to correct that obsessive behavior and allow myself some freedom to be human, to enjoy my life and my loved ones, celebrate on special occasions and enjoy the yummy food my chef brother makes (when I get to)....otherwise I will be "thin" and "healthy" but I will not be any happier.
The Friday after that horrible weigh-in, I had surgery to remove 3 of my extra wisdom teeth. MAN is that miserable after 25 years of age......I'm 34. :-) The oral surgeon said that my recovery time will be longer, more painful and the swelling will be greater than the "average" person's. Partly because of my age but also because of the teeth I had removed. They were difficult to remove, one left a small hole in my sinus cavity which had to be stitched up, and because they were so impacted my body felt like it was being attacked and my lymph nodes became so swollen I looked like Droopy Dog and Quasimodo had a baby and I was it. lol I have been on massive pain medications since last Friday, "no chew" foods.....yogurt, protein shakes, apple sauce, pudding, sherbet, jello and pureed soups. Being gluten free though, the soups are a hard one......but it was the only way to get vegetables in me without actually turning to "baby food".
At first I was so swollen that the scale was weighing me at numbers I haven't seen in MONTHS. Ben (husband) kept telling me that I was so swollen it was the retained water it was weighing. I accepted that and returned to bed. But as the week dragged on, the scale read 218.6 and I FREAKED. I really did. I felt like this really wasn't fair. Here I was barely eating, because not only did my food have to be "no chew" but I was becoming SO sick of eating the same thing over and over....Plus the pain medications make me not hungry at all. I just drink a ton of water and tea. When I tracked my points plus, which I'm supposed to eat 30 a day, I was barely getting 20. But I wasn't hungry, I wasn't any more tired than anyone else would be recovering from surgery....but still 218.6. It felt like a death sentence. Why am I even bothering?!? Why do I even try?!? Ben "slapped me silly" (not really) and got me to refocus on just healing. I did some massage and warm compresses for the lymph nodes, I drank more tea and water and sure enough, within a day or two the swelling had gone down and the scale was a more "normal" number.
Yesterday would have been my "normal' weigh-in day. Ben and I decided that I wasn't going to go because until all the swelling goes down, I will feel like it isn't my "true weight". BUT, you KNOW I weighed in at home. My scale yesterday said 210....which would mean that I had lost 2 pounds since last week's .8 gain. However, this morning my scale said 209.8 a number I haven't seen since probably 2010. I will probably be going to a meeting tomorrow morning to get my official "weigh-in" for the week though. It might not be my "true" number since I'm still fairly swollen, but it will still be down...which will help me stay on track. NEXT week I should be pretty much down to normal puffiness so that weight would be my "true" weight for that week.
One good thing I noticed from having my wisdom and supernumerary teeth removed and having to eat a very restricted diet (I'm still on that by the way......still can't eat "normal" food) is that it has snapped me back to reality of portions, food choices and when I'm REALLY hungry. So, today is back to tracking.....even my barely eating because of surgery.....tracking tracking tracking. And as soon as I have my appointment next week with my oral surgeon and he says it is ok, I'm going to get back on my stationary bike. I would love to be down under 200 or at least hit 200 by Valentine's Day.
The moral of the story is: give yourself room to be human and enjoy life. Your weight is going to fluctuate some, let it. Give yourself the room to breathe and enjoy all that it has to offer. If you falter, get back up, and start again. It isn't a competition with anyone else. It is about finding your worth in something other than a number on a scale, the size of a pair of jeans or how many chins you have. It isn't about eating your feelings away, stuffing your face to "get back at them" or about seeing how little food you need to survive. It is about giving yourself the same grace you give to others. It is about finding beauty in yourself when you see it the least. And it is CERTAINLY about allowing yourself to feel the success of a smaller pair of pants without beating yourself up about how little the scale actually moved to get there.
A step forward, no matter how small it might be, is STILL a step towards your goal.
"No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everyone on the couch."
Friday, January 18, 2013
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
A new year begins...the turning of a page...now, what to write on that page?
So today is the first day of a new year. It is 2013 and I am struggling with the choice of making resolutions or not. I used to make them every year, but every time I didn't complete them I ended up feeling like a failed, rather than realizing that those "resolutions" weren't as pressing as perhaps they were at the start of the year.
2012 was an interesting journey for me. We lost some dear loved ones this year and I watched a few friends say goodbye to their husbands for a final time in this life. It was a heart wrenching year in many ways. At the same time though, we have been blessed with many memories with good friends and family. We were able to travel to my hometown in California to visit with my parents, sister, brother (who came down from Napa to see us), my Nana (father's mother) and my Grandmother (mother's mother). After 3 years away for Christmas it was a nice opportunity to visit with them as well as many of my cousins. It was hard not having my grandfather there, but I know he would be delighted to know that we were all together for Christmas this year.
This last year also brought some answers to my health woes and though not FULLY solved or under control, I am well on my way to feeling MUCH better. Cutting out the gluten has really made a difference for me and I plan to stick to it. I have seen progress, though slow, in my weight loss and though I could be disappointed and kick myself for not working harder to succeed, I'm choosing to focus on the progress that has been made towards my goals.
It was also a year of "new" for the 4 of us. Our son started 4-H in addition to his Boy Scout commitment which added another shuffling of kids around on Mondays. He remains active in Band at school playing the Alto Sax for a 4th year and added the Trio Pan (three steel drums) to his repertoire this year. He continues to excel academically in all subjects and is greatly enjoying Tae Kwan Do, and has had great success in that too. He continues to participate and succeed in Mathcounts (a form of Mathletes) and is excited about this year's competition. :-) Our daughter remains greatly involved with 4-H and continues to excel in playing Lead Pan (steel drum) and singing in the school choir, as well as having great success in Tae Kwan Do. She was requested to participate in the Demo team and in doing so, we have added ANOTHER day of carting kids around in "mom's taxi". She has also added Spanish club and CWHS Live (their news station at school) this last year, keeping me EVER busy with the driving.
This last year I did a lot of soul searching and spent a lot of time praying about what my next step in school should be. I have struggled over the ::cough "20 years" cough:: I have spent chasing my AA to decide on "what I want to be when I grow up". And here I sit, at 34 years old, with 2 teenagers planning their future educational and professional goals and I can honestly say that I have no idea. lol I have many interests and have never had one of those interests be something that I was unable to succeed at once I put my mind to it. (I think most people are like that though.) So in "settling" on a career field, ie. What I want to be When I grow up, feels like exactly that....settling.
I hate that word in this context. "Settling"....it just sounds so limiting. It makes me feel like once I "settle" that I am then locked into that one thing and that everything else I enjoy, have passion for and ambition to succeed in is no longer an option....because I "settled"...I "chose". It is that whole "you made your bed now lie in it" deal that makes it hard to decide. So I go back and forth, English.....Psychology......Writing....Music....Photography.....Nursing......Theater...Journalism...Baking.
.Cooking.....Teaching...Anthropology....AHHHHH. The moment I feel like I have made my choice and "settled", not 2 days later I'm changing my mind. I know it is fear. I am afraid of making the wrong choice. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid that I "can't"....that I won't be good enough....that I won't succeed....that I will be laughed at and that there will be no "career" in the field I chose.
After many conversations with my wonderful and patient husband (he has to be because, let's face it....though relatively "normal", I'm fairly neurotic when it comes to something I feel bears a great ton of weight), and several deep conversations with my amazingly supportive mother (she had to be that way I think because I was CONSTANTLY on to the "next" thing growing up), we came to a conclusion that seems to have appeased my neurosis. At least for the time being. I think it appeases it because it isn't really a choice at all. lol Basically the conclusion was to stick with my original (20 years ago when I started) major of English. As a BA degree this will be a good basis for me to then "fall into" whatever it is I am supposed to do with my career.
The minor, I'm not settled on at this point. Photography I don't need a degree in to do.....I do it now....lots of training, lots of schooling, lots of hands on experience and a lot of time spent picking the brains of wonderful photographers I'm blessed to know and who offer sound, seasoned advice...but without a degree in it, I can still have my business. Creative writing, music, theater.....always a passion for me. Always go back to those, every time. If I'm sad, I write, or I sing, or a dive into that fantasy world (yes even at 34 years old) and imagine what it might be like to play that heroine of that big play. If I'm happy, I'm singing....anything....but it is no doubt that those things feed my inner self, they soothe my soul and comfort me...always have. So, I can never let go of those completely.
That is the very thing that has me all mixed up in my head and my heart. We tell our children to follow their dreams. To dream big and to reach for them. Yet when we become parents we seem to forget that we need to reach for ours too....not at the expense of our kids, not in a way that hinders their own reaching....but in a way that shows them how to reach for theirs, that it is never too late to live a dream....that they TRULY are capable of having their dreams come true. Granted, the best thing for ME was to put my dreams and goals on the back burner. Not give up completely, not brush them off forever, but to set them aside while my kids were younger so that I was properly equipped with helping them to establish their individual identities and discover their passions in life. I have always felt though, that my indecision was a bad example to my kids....how could I teach them to follow their dreams if I not only wasn't following mine, but I no longer really knew WHAT my dreams were?!?
I would love to say that I know now....but I don't.....and you know what? That is ok. It is ok that I don't know what I want to be when I "grow up"....maybe I'm never growing up. I know I'm getting older, I know our time here in this life is "short"....but maybe I won't ever lose that active imagination. Maybe I won't ever stop seeing shapes in clouds, hearing a melody in the air and writing a song in my head. Maybe I will forever imagine myself as that heroine of the story, write characters that have a little piece of me in them and invest my whole heart into every book I read or write. Maybe I will never cease to see more than just a tree....but a whole story of that tree and translate that into a photo. I'm sure I will never stop seeing the beauty of the world, the intricate contradictions and the complex beauty of all that surrounds me....and I will forever feel compelled to capture that passion, pain, beauty and conflict I see. I don't know where it will lead me in life. Perhaps those things will never be part of my "career". They will however remain a part of me.....the ways that I express what (believe it or not) I struggle with verbally.
So on this first day of a new year, as I look at all I have learned about myself in the past year, and as I look to what 2013 might hold for me and my family, I have made just one resolution.
I will keep on the path I'm on, learning, growing, chasing dreams, stressing less, and getting back to who I am at the core of my being.
I am still a long way off to knowing "me" again, finding my "Dollface" again....but I AM finding, little by little, who I am not. The little pieces of me that I have discovered, I have found I rather like. I don't miss being angry all the time. I don't miss feeling worthless, lost, confused and alone. If there was just one little thing that I could share, one piece of advice that I could offer, one thing that I took away from this last year, it would be this:
Every night, I just keep "Counting my blessings, instead of sheep".
Focus on the positive, even when it seems impossible. Focus on what good you have done, not the ways you have failed. Focus on the good you WILL do, instead of the wrong you have done...it is the only way to truly heal. Focus on those who love you, and truly stand in your corner....do not invest so much of yourself into those who do not...or who only do when they want something. Focus on FORGIVENESS.....for yourself and for others. Remember that we are all on a journey, we all walk through an adventure, along different paths....and at different paces. In the end we all get to a destination...we can either lift each other up, or we can tear each other down...remember though, what you offer to others will be offered to you.
2012 was an interesting journey for me. We lost some dear loved ones this year and I watched a few friends say goodbye to their husbands for a final time in this life. It was a heart wrenching year in many ways. At the same time though, we have been blessed with many memories with good friends and family. We were able to travel to my hometown in California to visit with my parents, sister, brother (who came down from Napa to see us), my Nana (father's mother) and my Grandmother (mother's mother). After 3 years away for Christmas it was a nice opportunity to visit with them as well as many of my cousins. It was hard not having my grandfather there, but I know he would be delighted to know that we were all together for Christmas this year.
This last year also brought some answers to my health woes and though not FULLY solved or under control, I am well on my way to feeling MUCH better. Cutting out the gluten has really made a difference for me and I plan to stick to it. I have seen progress, though slow, in my weight loss and though I could be disappointed and kick myself for not working harder to succeed, I'm choosing to focus on the progress that has been made towards my goals.
It was also a year of "new" for the 4 of us. Our son started 4-H in addition to his Boy Scout commitment which added another shuffling of kids around on Mondays. He remains active in Band at school playing the Alto Sax for a 4th year and added the Trio Pan (three steel drums) to his repertoire this year. He continues to excel academically in all subjects and is greatly enjoying Tae Kwan Do, and has had great success in that too. He continues to participate and succeed in Mathcounts (a form of Mathletes) and is excited about this year's competition. :-) Our daughter remains greatly involved with 4-H and continues to excel in playing Lead Pan (steel drum) and singing in the school choir, as well as having great success in Tae Kwan Do. She was requested to participate in the Demo team and in doing so, we have added ANOTHER day of carting kids around in "mom's taxi". She has also added Spanish club and CWHS Live (their news station at school) this last year, keeping me EVER busy with the driving.
This last year I did a lot of soul searching and spent a lot of time praying about what my next step in school should be. I have struggled over the ::cough "20 years" cough:: I have spent chasing my AA to decide on "what I want to be when I grow up". And here I sit, at 34 years old, with 2 teenagers planning their future educational and professional goals and I can honestly say that I have no idea. lol I have many interests and have never had one of those interests be something that I was unable to succeed at once I put my mind to it. (I think most people are like that though.) So in "settling" on a career field, ie. What I want to be When I grow up, feels like exactly that....settling.
I hate that word in this context. "Settling"....it just sounds so limiting. It makes me feel like once I "settle" that I am then locked into that one thing and that everything else I enjoy, have passion for and ambition to succeed in is no longer an option....because I "settled"...I "chose". It is that whole "you made your bed now lie in it" deal that makes it hard to decide. So I go back and forth, English.....Psychology......Writing....Music....Photography.....Nursing......Theater...Journalism...Baking.
.Cooking.....Teaching...Anthropology....AHHHHH. The moment I feel like I have made my choice and "settled", not 2 days later I'm changing my mind. I know it is fear. I am afraid of making the wrong choice. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid that I "can't"....that I won't be good enough....that I won't succeed....that I will be laughed at and that there will be no "career" in the field I chose.
After many conversations with my wonderful and patient husband (he has to be because, let's face it....though relatively "normal", I'm fairly neurotic when it comes to something I feel bears a great ton of weight), and several deep conversations with my amazingly supportive mother (she had to be that way I think because I was CONSTANTLY on to the "next" thing growing up), we came to a conclusion that seems to have appeased my neurosis. At least for the time being. I think it appeases it because it isn't really a choice at all. lol Basically the conclusion was to stick with my original (20 years ago when I started) major of English. As a BA degree this will be a good basis for me to then "fall into" whatever it is I am supposed to do with my career.
The minor, I'm not settled on at this point. Photography I don't need a degree in to do.....I do it now....lots of training, lots of schooling, lots of hands on experience and a lot of time spent picking the brains of wonderful photographers I'm blessed to know and who offer sound, seasoned advice...but without a degree in it, I can still have my business. Creative writing, music, theater.....always a passion for me. Always go back to those, every time. If I'm sad, I write, or I sing, or a dive into that fantasy world (yes even at 34 years old) and imagine what it might be like to play that heroine of that big play. If I'm happy, I'm singing....anything....but it is no doubt that those things feed my inner self, they soothe my soul and comfort me...always have. So, I can never let go of those completely.
That is the very thing that has me all mixed up in my head and my heart. We tell our children to follow their dreams. To dream big and to reach for them. Yet when we become parents we seem to forget that we need to reach for ours too....not at the expense of our kids, not in a way that hinders their own reaching....but in a way that shows them how to reach for theirs, that it is never too late to live a dream....that they TRULY are capable of having their dreams come true. Granted, the best thing for ME was to put my dreams and goals on the back burner. Not give up completely, not brush them off forever, but to set them aside while my kids were younger so that I was properly equipped with helping them to establish their individual identities and discover their passions in life. I have always felt though, that my indecision was a bad example to my kids....how could I teach them to follow their dreams if I not only wasn't following mine, but I no longer really knew WHAT my dreams were?!?
I would love to say that I know now....but I don't.....and you know what? That is ok. It is ok that I don't know what I want to be when I "grow up"....maybe I'm never growing up. I know I'm getting older, I know our time here in this life is "short"....but maybe I won't ever lose that active imagination. Maybe I won't ever stop seeing shapes in clouds, hearing a melody in the air and writing a song in my head. Maybe I will forever imagine myself as that heroine of the story, write characters that have a little piece of me in them and invest my whole heart into every book I read or write. Maybe I will never cease to see more than just a tree....but a whole story of that tree and translate that into a photo. I'm sure I will never stop seeing the beauty of the world, the intricate contradictions and the complex beauty of all that surrounds me....and I will forever feel compelled to capture that passion, pain, beauty and conflict I see. I don't know where it will lead me in life. Perhaps those things will never be part of my "career". They will however remain a part of me.....the ways that I express what (believe it or not) I struggle with verbally.
So on this first day of a new year, as I look at all I have learned about myself in the past year, and as I look to what 2013 might hold for me and my family, I have made just one resolution.
I will keep on the path I'm on, learning, growing, chasing dreams, stressing less, and getting back to who I am at the core of my being.
I am still a long way off to knowing "me" again, finding my "Dollface" again....but I AM finding, little by little, who I am not. The little pieces of me that I have discovered, I have found I rather like. I don't miss being angry all the time. I don't miss feeling worthless, lost, confused and alone. If there was just one little thing that I could share, one piece of advice that I could offer, one thing that I took away from this last year, it would be this:
Every night, I just keep "Counting my blessings, instead of sheep".
Focus on the positive, even when it seems impossible. Focus on what good you have done, not the ways you have failed. Focus on the good you WILL do, instead of the wrong you have done...it is the only way to truly heal. Focus on those who love you, and truly stand in your corner....do not invest so much of yourself into those who do not...or who only do when they want something. Focus on FORGIVENESS.....for yourself and for others. Remember that we are all on a journey, we all walk through an adventure, along different paths....and at different paces. In the end we all get to a destination...we can either lift each other up, or we can tear each other down...remember though, what you offer to others will be offered to you.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
It is all about choices!
Today it is all about the choices we make that impact our success. Every day you CHOOSE to get up out of bed and start your day. We tell ourselves we HAVE to, but really we are still CHOOSING to do what is necessary or what we have committed ourselves to do. In the end it comes down to choices. It is the same with diet. We tell ourselves we CAN'T have this or we HAVE to eat that...but really that is just a way to make swallowing the choices we make a bit easier. We act like we don't have a choice in the matter, but we are choosing to or not to.
Being on a diet is hard. We try to change everything we eat and suddenly try to force ourselves out of our comfort zone with new foods, completely avoiding foods we love and try to exercise every day when we never did to start with. It is all very funny really. We choose to make our diet and exercise regimen impossible to stick to and as miserable as possible. Are we trying to punish ourselves for the poor choices we made to get ourselves to this place we don't want to be? Are we punishing the fat for sticking to our bodies? We are choosing to make it as unpleasant as we can and we are in turn setting ourselves up for failure. You don't have to starve and you don't have to eat macrobiotic food. You don't have to eat cardboard or work out for 6 hours every day to be successful. If you do that to get to your goal, and you are seriously miserable doing it, do you honestly think you are going to choose to stick to it after you meet your goals? No.
So, how do you make choices you won't be miserable sticking to and still find success?
Well that is all about personal preference. For me, I like to eat. I don't want to starve myself to get to my goals because I know that I will just gain it back later when I no longer eat that way. So I have to find healthy choices that allow me to have a lot on my plate but that won't pack on the pounds. Because I do the Weight Watchers Points Plus program, it is easier for me to look at it from that perspective. I get 31 points for a day. Every food has a points value, fresh fruit and veggies (non starchy ones) are 0 points so I can eat as much as I want of those. I try to keep my breakfast at 6 or under so that I still have plenty for the rest of my day. But WHAT you choose to eat can make just as much of a difference as how much you eat can. I like as much food on my plate as I can get on it for the amount of points I am consuming. It makes me feel like I'm not starving (because I'm not) and it keeps me from feeling like I need to eat again in an hour.
For example:
1 piece of Rudi's Gluten Free Cinnamon Raisin Bread = 2 pts+
1 Teaspoon of butter = 1 pts+
Total points+ for breakfast = 3 pts+
Yeah, only 3 pts+ and with black coffee or tea with no cream and sugar and you think sweet I was WAY under points for breakfast......but you will be hungry WAY too soon. There is no way you will make it to lunch..... I know I won't. So how do you make a CHOICE that is going to keep you full and put WAY more on your plate and in your belly?
Like this:
1 piece of Rudi's Gluten Free Cinnamon raisin Bread = 2 pts+
1 teaspoon cream cheese = 0 pts+
4 egg whites scrambled (cooked with just a tiny spray of Pam), seasoned with salt, pepper and red pepper flakes for a little spice = 1 pts+
1 apple (fresh) = 0 pts+
Total points+ for breakfast = 3 pts+
Which would you rather eat?
It is all about choices. You have to find what you like and then figure out how to get the most out of it. I do the same thing with all meals and with activity too. I know that I can burn calories doing just about anything.....as long as I'm not just sitting still. So if I vacuum I count it. If I rake the leaves in the yard, I count it. If I spend a half hour scrubbing the showers and tubs, then I count it. I get my exercise wherever I can....I'm not going to go out and suddenly run a marathon. My back can't handle it and my body isn't ready to train for it yet. Someday I know I will walk/run/jog/crawl my way through a half marathon but I'm not going to just be able to get up and do it today. lol So I CHOOSE to find something in my day that can be exercise and make it as beneficial as I can.
I am CHOOSING to change my life, my health, my habits, my self esteem and my weight. Each choice I make, every single second of every day affects my success...for better or not....that CHOICE is mine.
"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch."
Being on a diet is hard. We try to change everything we eat and suddenly try to force ourselves out of our comfort zone with new foods, completely avoiding foods we love and try to exercise every day when we never did to start with. It is all very funny really. We choose to make our diet and exercise regimen impossible to stick to and as miserable as possible. Are we trying to punish ourselves for the poor choices we made to get ourselves to this place we don't want to be? Are we punishing the fat for sticking to our bodies? We are choosing to make it as unpleasant as we can and we are in turn setting ourselves up for failure. You don't have to starve and you don't have to eat macrobiotic food. You don't have to eat cardboard or work out for 6 hours every day to be successful. If you do that to get to your goal, and you are seriously miserable doing it, do you honestly think you are going to choose to stick to it after you meet your goals? No.
So, how do you make choices you won't be miserable sticking to and still find success?
Well that is all about personal preference. For me, I like to eat. I don't want to starve myself to get to my goals because I know that I will just gain it back later when I no longer eat that way. So I have to find healthy choices that allow me to have a lot on my plate but that won't pack on the pounds. Because I do the Weight Watchers Points Plus program, it is easier for me to look at it from that perspective. I get 31 points for a day. Every food has a points value, fresh fruit and veggies (non starchy ones) are 0 points so I can eat as much as I want of those. I try to keep my breakfast at 6 or under so that I still have plenty for the rest of my day. But WHAT you choose to eat can make just as much of a difference as how much you eat can. I like as much food on my plate as I can get on it for the amount of points I am consuming. It makes me feel like I'm not starving (because I'm not) and it keeps me from feeling like I need to eat again in an hour.
For example:
1 piece of Rudi's Gluten Free Cinnamon Raisin Bread = 2 pts+
1 Teaspoon of butter = 1 pts+
Total points+ for breakfast = 3 pts+
Yeah, only 3 pts+ and with black coffee or tea with no cream and sugar and you think sweet I was WAY under points for breakfast......but you will be hungry WAY too soon. There is no way you will make it to lunch..... I know I won't. So how do you make a CHOICE that is going to keep you full and put WAY more on your plate and in your belly?
Like this:
1 piece of Rudi's Gluten Free Cinnamon raisin Bread = 2 pts+
1 teaspoon cream cheese = 0 pts+
4 egg whites scrambled (cooked with just a tiny spray of Pam), seasoned with salt, pepper and red pepper flakes for a little spice = 1 pts+
1 apple (fresh) = 0 pts+
Total points+ for breakfast = 3 pts+
Which would you rather eat?
It is all about choices. You have to find what you like and then figure out how to get the most out of it. I do the same thing with all meals and with activity too. I know that I can burn calories doing just about anything.....as long as I'm not just sitting still. So if I vacuum I count it. If I rake the leaves in the yard, I count it. If I spend a half hour scrubbing the showers and tubs, then I count it. I get my exercise wherever I can....I'm not going to go out and suddenly run a marathon. My back can't handle it and my body isn't ready to train for it yet. Someday I know I will walk/run/jog/crawl my way through a half marathon but I'm not going to just be able to get up and do it today. lol So I CHOOSE to find something in my day that can be exercise and make it as beneficial as I can.
I am CHOOSING to change my life, my health, my habits, my self esteem and my weight. Each choice I make, every single second of every day affects my success...for better or not....that CHOICE is mine.
"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch."
Monday, November 12, 2012
Witty Title Here
Today is a day I feel like I need to blog, but I'm not sure what to say. I guess I'm just struggling with getting motivated today, in every regard. I know I'm not alone in this, we ALL have those days. So how do we get past that and move forward? For me, I blog about it. It helps to vent it out and "voice" why I'm stuck or feeling like there is no real reason to keep moving forward with gusto.
First, we had my husband's birthday party this weekend with family and a few friends from the neighborhood. Always a tough one for me. The months of September, October and November are HARD to stay on track. We have my nephew's birthday party, then my daughter's, followed by my son's and my brother in law's, then my niece's birthday and Halloween rounded out by my husband's birthday....then we have Thanksgiving....all before Christmas. ::deep breath:: So needless to say I either find myself throwing my program out the window entirely or I end up trying to starve myself all day so the points I have available to me for the day are used for the party. Yeah, not a wise idea. This time I tried to do things a little differently. A novel idea really....stick to program. HA HA!
I did track, sort of. Which actually for me is way better than I usually do on the weekends. I normally just allow myself to eat with minimal thought and honestly no tracking. I still lose, usually...but not nearly as much as I probably would if I stuck to program EVERY DAY like I should be.
So today being Monday I would normally walk with my neighbor. BUT it is raining something terrible out there and the temperature is very quickly dropping. Tonight should get to a wonderfully brisk 28ยบ. Gotta love winter in Ohio. So I figure OK, I'll get my exercise another way today. Of course I have found every excuse not to get started on SOMETHING that doesn't involve just sitting here....including blogging. Yet here I am, writing instead of doing something even minimally active such as the dishes, vacuuming, dusting, dragging the Christmas Decorations out of the basement to figure out what is going to need to be replaced before we get everything up after Thanksgiving, or even.....::gasp:: getting on my treadmill or stationary bike my wonderful husband set up for me. ::hanging my head in shame now:: It is all there, available and waiting for me to just get up off my rear end.....so WHY do I find it so hard to get to it?
I have been having some GREAT success. And the weight is coming off faster than it has in the past now that we have figured out that I can't have Wheat. So why am I still feeling like I'm failing? I have gone down a full size since last summer. 20 pounds off and I'm down just over a size. Maybe it is because that "size down" is still larger than I want? Maybe it is because that "size down" is too big in many regards but the NEXT size down is still too tight to really be comfortable? It isn't that the NEXT size is too small per se, or that it looks horrible, but I am so uncomfortable and lack the self confidence to really wear it without drawing attention to the fact that I feel HUGE. Being between sizes is certainly contributing to that feeling of failure....so I am vowing to NOT put on that smaller size (that NEXT size) for another 5 pounds. I'm just going to have to DEAL with the saggy butt and thigh look of my pants until I can truly wear the NEXT size without feeling like I look like a stuffed sausage. ::sigh::
I think that is one of the hardest things. We look at each pound as a step closer to a goal, and a step closer to a smaller size. Then, we are clearly too "small" for that size and we excitedly try on the next size down....only to have that door slammed in our face and made to feel like the Staypuft Marshmallow Man. It doesn't help that I just don't have the clothing that I need for the impending weather....especially since I was 20 pounds heavier last year and now those clothes are hanging weirdly on me. It isn't that I'm swimming in them, but they do hang differently now. Knowing my luck they are probably hanging properly now and it just feels odd. I think mainly I just don't want to wear them because I feel like they are my FAT clothes and I shouldn't be wearing them now....they shouldn't fit me. REALLY they do fit me though. They were too small before I just refused to buy new clothes so I looked terrible in them and I convinced myself I didn't. Ah....denial.
With the holiday's fast approaching I think I might refocus myself on a smaller goal. I would love to lose another 10 pounds by Christmas...especially since I'm headed home to California for Christmas. But I find myself feeling less and less like that is a possibility. Which is sad really, because I COULD do it if I REALLY stuck to program every single day, every single meal, and I stuck to exercise on the days that I have already decided I was going to get it in. It is so hard to not feel discouraged when in 15 months you have managed to lose ALMOST 20 pounds. Last time the weight was much easier to take off over all....but I was planning a wedding, still had all my internal organs (don't let anyone tell you your gallbladder isn't necessary...removing mine messed me up big time....and God wouldn't have given you one if you didn't need it) and I worked full time. So, the *new* goal is to just feel comfortable enough in my own skin to not dread, or hide, from the camera. I'm going to need a lot of work on that one. I really don't like being on the other side of the camera.....that *eye* is so unforgiving. Photos force me to see myself for how others see me, which makes me feel bad about myself, regardless of how far I have come.
How we perceive the world views us, though it shouldn't carry much weight (no pun intended), can greatly skew our view of ourselves and our self worth. Even those who say they don't care, people can "blow it out their nose" or whatever....they aren't really being 100% honest. There are days where I can say, I truly don't care what you say about me....and though I don't, I still do. It is hard to explain. I know I can't be the only one who feels that way. It doesn't matter what others say, but it still hurts. It doesn't matter what they think, but it still hurts when they give you a disgusted look. It doesn't matter, but it does. The 'self' we project to the world isn't always what lies under the surface, nor is it always what is accepted by the world. There are some people in this world that won't like you, there are some who will go out of their way to make you feel small, defective, repulsive and make fun of you. They will deflect their own insecurities onto you and shine a spotlight on your flaws to distract others from their flaws. But we are all flawed. We tell our children it is OK to be different while killing ourselves to fit in. A vicious cycle too deeply ingrained in us all to break so easily.
And so I sit...pondering the complexities of my weight loss journey, convincing myself that I am not the only one who struggles. Telling myself I can't be the only one who feels that a success is just not a large enough success sometimes. I know there are no "quick fixes" and that losing weight won't "repair" the damaged psyche I have collected along the way. Other people telling me I'm pretty, or I'm an inspiration won't suddenly make me feel like I am....I know that. I just wish that I could flip a switch and change that feeling. I wish I could be like Genie and just cross my arms and blink ::poof:: thin again. But being "thin" isn't going to fix anything inside on its own. It will help, yes...in many ways....but it isn't the solution to it all. I'm imperfect just like everyone else....and I have to find my own beauty in that imperfection.
My desire to be thin isn't what drives me entirely. I think THAT is what I have to tap into to motivate me to get moving and get things done. Just 30 minutes of exercise....clean, scrub, move boxes, walk on the treadmill, do squats and crunches, ride the stationary bike..... I really don't have any valid excuses except maybe my back issues. And even then there are things I CAN do even when I can barely move. BARELY moving on a treadmill is still better than sitting on the couch or at the computer.
So how do you motivate yourself to get moving when you really just don't feel like it?!? You don't. You can't MAKE yourself motivated when you know you aren't. You just have to CHOOSE to get up off your butt and DO IT. Motivation has NOTHING to do with it really. At least, that's what I'm finding out.
"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch." ~ Anonymous
First, we had my husband's birthday party this weekend with family and a few friends from the neighborhood. Always a tough one for me. The months of September, October and November are HARD to stay on track. We have my nephew's birthday party, then my daughter's, followed by my son's and my brother in law's, then my niece's birthday and Halloween rounded out by my husband's birthday....then we have Thanksgiving....all before Christmas. ::deep breath:: So needless to say I either find myself throwing my program out the window entirely or I end up trying to starve myself all day so the points I have available to me for the day are used for the party. Yeah, not a wise idea. This time I tried to do things a little differently. A novel idea really....stick to program. HA HA!
I did track, sort of. Which actually for me is way better than I usually do on the weekends. I normally just allow myself to eat with minimal thought and honestly no tracking. I still lose, usually...but not nearly as much as I probably would if I stuck to program EVERY DAY like I should be.
So today being Monday I would normally walk with my neighbor. BUT it is raining something terrible out there and the temperature is very quickly dropping. Tonight should get to a wonderfully brisk 28ยบ. Gotta love winter in Ohio. So I figure OK, I'll get my exercise another way today. Of course I have found every excuse not to get started on SOMETHING that doesn't involve just sitting here....including blogging. Yet here I am, writing instead of doing something even minimally active such as the dishes, vacuuming, dusting, dragging the Christmas Decorations out of the basement to figure out what is going to need to be replaced before we get everything up after Thanksgiving, or even.....::gasp:: getting on my treadmill or stationary bike my wonderful husband set up for me. ::hanging my head in shame now:: It is all there, available and waiting for me to just get up off my rear end.....so WHY do I find it so hard to get to it?
I have been having some GREAT success. And the weight is coming off faster than it has in the past now that we have figured out that I can't have Wheat. So why am I still feeling like I'm failing? I have gone down a full size since last summer. 20 pounds off and I'm down just over a size. Maybe it is because that "size down" is still larger than I want? Maybe it is because that "size down" is too big in many regards but the NEXT size down is still too tight to really be comfortable? It isn't that the NEXT size is too small per se, or that it looks horrible, but I am so uncomfortable and lack the self confidence to really wear it without drawing attention to the fact that I feel HUGE. Being between sizes is certainly contributing to that feeling of failure....so I am vowing to NOT put on that smaller size (that NEXT size) for another 5 pounds. I'm just going to have to DEAL with the saggy butt and thigh look of my pants until I can truly wear the NEXT size without feeling like I look like a stuffed sausage. ::sigh::
I think that is one of the hardest things. We look at each pound as a step closer to a goal, and a step closer to a smaller size. Then, we are clearly too "small" for that size and we excitedly try on the next size down....only to have that door slammed in our face and made to feel like the Staypuft Marshmallow Man. It doesn't help that I just don't have the clothing that I need for the impending weather....especially since I was 20 pounds heavier last year and now those clothes are hanging weirdly on me. It isn't that I'm swimming in them, but they do hang differently now. Knowing my luck they are probably hanging properly now and it just feels odd. I think mainly I just don't want to wear them because I feel like they are my FAT clothes and I shouldn't be wearing them now....they shouldn't fit me. REALLY they do fit me though. They were too small before I just refused to buy new clothes so I looked terrible in them and I convinced myself I didn't. Ah....denial.
With the holiday's fast approaching I think I might refocus myself on a smaller goal. I would love to lose another 10 pounds by Christmas...especially since I'm headed home to California for Christmas. But I find myself feeling less and less like that is a possibility. Which is sad really, because I COULD do it if I REALLY stuck to program every single day, every single meal, and I stuck to exercise on the days that I have already decided I was going to get it in. It is so hard to not feel discouraged when in 15 months you have managed to lose ALMOST 20 pounds. Last time the weight was much easier to take off over all....but I was planning a wedding, still had all my internal organs (don't let anyone tell you your gallbladder isn't necessary...removing mine messed me up big time....and God wouldn't have given you one if you didn't need it) and I worked full time. So, the *new* goal is to just feel comfortable enough in my own skin to not dread, or hide, from the camera. I'm going to need a lot of work on that one. I really don't like being on the other side of the camera.....that *eye* is so unforgiving. Photos force me to see myself for how others see me, which makes me feel bad about myself, regardless of how far I have come.
How we perceive the world views us, though it shouldn't carry much weight (no pun intended), can greatly skew our view of ourselves and our self worth. Even those who say they don't care, people can "blow it out their nose" or whatever....they aren't really being 100% honest. There are days where I can say, I truly don't care what you say about me....and though I don't, I still do. It is hard to explain. I know I can't be the only one who feels that way. It doesn't matter what others say, but it still hurts. It doesn't matter what they think, but it still hurts when they give you a disgusted look. It doesn't matter, but it does. The 'self' we project to the world isn't always what lies under the surface, nor is it always what is accepted by the world. There are some people in this world that won't like you, there are some who will go out of their way to make you feel small, defective, repulsive and make fun of you. They will deflect their own insecurities onto you and shine a spotlight on your flaws to distract others from their flaws. But we are all flawed. We tell our children it is OK to be different while killing ourselves to fit in. A vicious cycle too deeply ingrained in us all to break so easily.
And so I sit...pondering the complexities of my weight loss journey, convincing myself that I am not the only one who struggles. Telling myself I can't be the only one who feels that a success is just not a large enough success sometimes. I know there are no "quick fixes" and that losing weight won't "repair" the damaged psyche I have collected along the way. Other people telling me I'm pretty, or I'm an inspiration won't suddenly make me feel like I am....I know that. I just wish that I could flip a switch and change that feeling. I wish I could be like Genie and just cross my arms and blink ::poof:: thin again. But being "thin" isn't going to fix anything inside on its own. It will help, yes...in many ways....but it isn't the solution to it all. I'm imperfect just like everyone else....and I have to find my own beauty in that imperfection.
My desire to be thin isn't what drives me entirely. I think THAT is what I have to tap into to motivate me to get moving and get things done. Just 30 minutes of exercise....clean, scrub, move boxes, walk on the treadmill, do squats and crunches, ride the stationary bike..... I really don't have any valid excuses except maybe my back issues. And even then there are things I CAN do even when I can barely move. BARELY moving on a treadmill is still better than sitting on the couch or at the computer.
So how do you motivate yourself to get moving when you really just don't feel like it?!? You don't. You can't MAKE yourself motivated when you know you aren't. You just have to CHOOSE to get up off your butt and DO IT. Motivation has NOTHING to do with it really. At least, that's what I'm finding out.
"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch." ~ Anonymous
Friday, November 9, 2012
Keeping on: Keeping on
So yesterday was "weigh-in" day at my WW meeting. It was a good week. I lost 1.6 which means that since my heaviest weight Summer 2011, I have lost 20 pounds. Since rejoining Weight Watchers, I have lost 7.6 pounds...in 9 weeks. No, it isn't as "fast" as I would like it to be, but the important thing is that I do it. On the days that I don't do as well, I try to not let that feeling of failure set me up for a week of failure. I try to make my choices good and healthy ones, but let's face it, we aren't always going to be as successful as we want to be.
The biggest change I made from the previous week (where I gained .6) to this week (losing1.6) was to actually track. Tracking is something I don't really do very well at this point. I always mean to do it, I try to keep to it, but I haven't reached that point where it is a completely automatic thing I do just yet. I got there last time I was successful on WW but I just have to be patient until I get there again. Tracking what you eat is so important. It is SO easy to over eat or eat the wrong foods when you aren't really paying super close attention to the portions or the quality/content. Although it may not be a TON of over eating, or even terrible choices, it certainly does eventually show on the scale.
Another thing I really stuck to as much as I could this last week was to pre-plan meals for the week. i don't plan out EVERY meal for EVERY day, but I have dinners figured out for the week. I also have a few lunches and breakfasts that I stick to so that I have variety but I never have to stand in the kitchen staring at the cabinets or the refrigerator trying to "figure out" what to eat.
And so, with the success from this last week, I am repeating what I did. :-) I'm going to just keep planning dinners for the week, and I'm going to keep having my "special" foods so I am not totally bored with food and therefore start just looking for ANYTHING.
Crossing my fingers for another loss next week!
"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch"
The biggest change I made from the previous week (where I gained .6) to this week (losing1.6) was to actually track. Tracking is something I don't really do very well at this point. I always mean to do it, I try to keep to it, but I haven't reached that point where it is a completely automatic thing I do just yet. I got there last time I was successful on WW but I just have to be patient until I get there again. Tracking what you eat is so important. It is SO easy to over eat or eat the wrong foods when you aren't really paying super close attention to the portions or the quality/content. Although it may not be a TON of over eating, or even terrible choices, it certainly does eventually show on the scale.
Another thing I really stuck to as much as I could this last week was to pre-plan meals for the week. i don't plan out EVERY meal for EVERY day, but I have dinners figured out for the week. I also have a few lunches and breakfasts that I stick to so that I have variety but I never have to stand in the kitchen staring at the cabinets or the refrigerator trying to "figure out" what to eat.
And so, with the success from this last week, I am repeating what I did. :-) I'm going to just keep planning dinners for the week, and I'm going to keep having my "special" foods so I am not totally bored with food and therefore start just looking for ANYTHING.
Crossing my fingers for another loss next week!
"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch"
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
The big picture: a step forward is still a step in the right direction
So last week on Thursday when I weighed in at my regular meeting I found that I was up just a little bit. It was only by .6 lbs but it still felt a bit like a failure. I *knew* that I would probably be up just a bit since I didn't track anything all week and had all that Halloween candy in the house. I didn't eat a ton of it, just 2-6 pieces a day, but I didn't track any of it. I also had a massive fast food craving all that week. It is hard to eat out when you are on a diet and you tend to tell yourself certain foods or restaurants are "off limits". Being gluten free doesn't make it any easier to eat out either. I'm a bit limited on what I can order, it takes forever to order unless the restaurant offers a gluten free menu, which most don't. I have to go online and research, or order a salad, read all ingredients in the dressing and get no croutons. McDonald's has a dedicated fryer for their french fries so I can get those.....and I had a huge craving for them all last week. lol so I "paid" for that. Feeling a bit "down" about gaining the .6, I had to stop myself from beating myself up for having "failed" that week. It isn't a huge gain, it isn't like I can't bounce back from that. So why do I have to make it a failure just because the scale was up a little? I was failing to see the bigger picture.
The bigger picture: I learned a lesson...which isn't a failure but a success!
I learned that I CAN have McDonald's french fries, I CAN order fast food with a little thought and planning. I HAVE to allow myself little freedoms within my diet and weight loss goals or I will have major cravings for a week, eat it every day or every other day, throw all my plans, knowledge and motivation out the window and then the cycle will continue. So, the SCALE might not show a success, but last week WAS a success.
Friday:
I had a bunch of dental work down on Friday, including removing a broken crown and finding excessive decay. The tooth (or tooth nub) can be saved and will get a new crown in the very near future, however the neglect I showed my own teeth (let's face it, as parents we worry about our children's teeth first) has resulted in a lot of damage to the surrounding teeth. So by the end of Friday's visit I had had my teeth cleaned (the first time in nearly 20 years....lol but they were impressed at my gum health), I had a root canal and 3 fillings along with the tooth nub build up....all on the upper right side. Needless to say, it was difficult to eat for the rest of the weekend. lol So I resorted to soft easy foods like cottage cheese, refried beans with a little sour cream and pudding. Not really the best choices but at least I didn't just STARVE myself that day. I also found out at the dentist that I have even MORE extra wisdom teeth than originally thought....but the oral surgeon is going to have to tell me exactly how many I had to start with after they remove the ones still in there. (At this point I have had 3 or 4 removed). LOL So I guess I'm extra smart.
Saturday:
Saturday was a bit interesting. I was unsure what I would be able to eat since we had my niece's birthday party and I'm the only one GF in the family. But my sister in law was great and provided snacks that were healthy (my MIL and FIL are on WW too) and also made sure that she could tell me what was in certain things, even had labels handy for me. :-) I ate a little cottage cheese before we left so that I wouldn't be starving and stuff my face and it also helped just in case my sensitive jaw still wouldn't allow me to put enough pressure on my teeth to chew. We had ice cream cake at the party, and I just didn't eat the cookie center, so that was fairly easy to do. But my tracking was still lacking that day. :-( I ended up feeling like I just didn't eat enough, so I figured I would probably gain.
Sunday:
It was a lazy day around here. I don't even remember what I ate, what we did.....but I know I didn't track. So on Monday I *knew* that scale would reflect my poor choices again......
Monday:
Wasn't so bad. I woke up with a renewed sense of control and determination. I went on my walk with my friend "G" after the kids all were off to school, I tracked religiously, drank all my water and made a yummy dinner. :-) The scale was up that morning....but I'm choosing to focus on the fact that I have to keep taking a step forward, even if it doesn't seem to be making any positive progress, because a step forward is still a step in the right direction...right?
TODAY:
Being Tuesday, I hopped on the scale to get an idea of how yesterday went for me with the choices I made....I do this almost every day (yeah I know people say only weigh once a week but I need that visual to keep myself on track with making better and better choices). I was down 2 pounds from what MONDAY said. Now, I realize that might not be what the scale says on Thursday when I actually record my weight and count my loss/gain officially, but I weigh at the same time, in the same place, in the SAME clothing every day at home....so it is a pretty good guide for me on staying on track.
So, back on track, taking steps in the right direction even when the scale doesn't record that forward motion is still very important. I promised to keep a better blog, write more and even include more meals or recipes...so here you go:
Today's breakfast is 3 points plus on WW, and completely Gluten Free.
Rudi's Gluten Free Cinnamon Raisin Bread (2 pts plus), 1 tsp cream cheese (0 pp), 4 scrambled egg whites (1 pp) with a little salt, pepper and red pepper flakes, mandarin orange sections (no syrup or sugar) (0 pp).
"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch"
The bigger picture: I learned a lesson...which isn't a failure but a success!
I learned that I CAN have McDonald's french fries, I CAN order fast food with a little thought and planning. I HAVE to allow myself little freedoms within my diet and weight loss goals or I will have major cravings for a week, eat it every day or every other day, throw all my plans, knowledge and motivation out the window and then the cycle will continue. So, the SCALE might not show a success, but last week WAS a success.
Friday:
I had a bunch of dental work down on Friday, including removing a broken crown and finding excessive decay. The tooth (or tooth nub) can be saved and will get a new crown in the very near future, however the neglect I showed my own teeth (let's face it, as parents we worry about our children's teeth first) has resulted in a lot of damage to the surrounding teeth. So by the end of Friday's visit I had had my teeth cleaned (the first time in nearly 20 years....lol but they were impressed at my gum health), I had a root canal and 3 fillings along with the tooth nub build up....all on the upper right side. Needless to say, it was difficult to eat for the rest of the weekend. lol So I resorted to soft easy foods like cottage cheese, refried beans with a little sour cream and pudding. Not really the best choices but at least I didn't just STARVE myself that day. I also found out at the dentist that I have even MORE extra wisdom teeth than originally thought....but the oral surgeon is going to have to tell me exactly how many I had to start with after they remove the ones still in there. (At this point I have had 3 or 4 removed). LOL So I guess I'm extra smart.
Saturday:
Saturday was a bit interesting. I was unsure what I would be able to eat since we had my niece's birthday party and I'm the only one GF in the family. But my sister in law was great and provided snacks that were healthy (my MIL and FIL are on WW too) and also made sure that she could tell me what was in certain things, even had labels handy for me. :-) I ate a little cottage cheese before we left so that I wouldn't be starving and stuff my face and it also helped just in case my sensitive jaw still wouldn't allow me to put enough pressure on my teeth to chew. We had ice cream cake at the party, and I just didn't eat the cookie center, so that was fairly easy to do. But my tracking was still lacking that day. :-( I ended up feeling like I just didn't eat enough, so I figured I would probably gain.
Sunday:
It was a lazy day around here. I don't even remember what I ate, what we did.....but I know I didn't track. So on Monday I *knew* that scale would reflect my poor choices again......
Monday:
Wasn't so bad. I woke up with a renewed sense of control and determination. I went on my walk with my friend "G" after the kids all were off to school, I tracked religiously, drank all my water and made a yummy dinner. :-) The scale was up that morning....but I'm choosing to focus on the fact that I have to keep taking a step forward, even if it doesn't seem to be making any positive progress, because a step forward is still a step in the right direction...right?
TODAY:
Being Tuesday, I hopped on the scale to get an idea of how yesterday went for me with the choices I made....I do this almost every day (yeah I know people say only weigh once a week but I need that visual to keep myself on track with making better and better choices). I was down 2 pounds from what MONDAY said. Now, I realize that might not be what the scale says on Thursday when I actually record my weight and count my loss/gain officially, but I weigh at the same time, in the same place, in the SAME clothing every day at home....so it is a pretty good guide for me on staying on track.
So, back on track, taking steps in the right direction even when the scale doesn't record that forward motion is still very important. I promised to keep a better blog, write more and even include more meals or recipes...so here you go:
Today's breakfast is 3 points plus on WW, and completely Gluten Free.
Rudi's Gluten Free Cinnamon Raisin Bread (2 pts plus), 1 tsp cream cheese (0 pp), 4 scrambled egg whites (1 pp) with a little salt, pepper and red pepper flakes, mandarin orange sections (no syrup or sugar) (0 pp).
"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch"
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Sometimes you have to step back and get on track
I know, it has been a while since I was last on here posting. I have had to take a step back, recenter, refocus and get back on track. The important thing is that I did it and I'm back. :-)
7 weeks ago, I went back to my Weight Watchers meeting. Although I had managed to lose and keep off 12 pounds from last summer, when I was at my heaviest weight, the scale wasn't moving in the downward direction overall. I was dieting, counting calories, making sure they were healthy calories and getting regular exercise. As a matter of fact I was doing an hour and a half of cardio and a half hour of strengthening exercises 3-5 days a week....with no real success. I was discouraged, depressed and ashamed of my "failures". I felt hugely fat and disgusting. I HATED what I saw in the mirror. So it was time to step back, and get back on track with Weight Watchers as my guide.
My doctor also told me he wanted me to be completely Gluten Free for the next two months. Great, so now what am I going to eat on Weight Watchers?!? Well it has made me really think more about what I eat, I snack less, and I have consistently lost weight EVERY week. (This week when I weigh in on Thursday, it will be my 7th week) I know there will probably come a point where being gluten free doesn't necessarily help with weight loss but at this point it is because there are a lot of things in my house that are "off limits" due to my dietary restrictions. When I see my Doctor later this month we will determine if being gluten free is the way I have to eat now. If it is, I don't think it will be too hard. I just have to keep options for myself in the house, check the nutritional content when I go to a restaurant etc.
So here we are, 6 full weeks at WW under my belt again and I am down 6 pounds. Although I haven't shrunk a size yet, nor have I seen a difference in my face and body, I FEEL better knowing that I'm doing something that will work long term. I have done it before, I can do it again. Yes, it will be harder this time. I am older (by 4 years) than I was when I lost all that weight for our wedding on WW, I started heavier than I did last time (by 5 pounds....though my HEAVIEST was summer 2011 and I managed to lose 12 pounds on my own...so I consider myself as starting 17 pounds heavier), I am down an internal organ....which mind you, they tell you your gallbladder isn't "necessary" but I ate BETTER and got MORE exercise than I did before it was out and I gained 40 pounds in about 2 months...so yeah. I know it won't be easy, but don't I owe it to myself to get healthy, feel good about myself and set an example for my kids? I think so.
As women we are always telling our friends and family, "your worth doesn't lie in a number on a scale or the size of your pants" and we always say "oh you aren't fat"...and then we turn around and belittle ourselves. Yes, my family and friends think I'm pretty....no I don't feel pretty. It doesn't mean that I'm not, it is just that I don't FEEL my best. It isn't putting myself down to say I'm fat, I'm admitting the truth. To an addict we say, "the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem", why do we insist that it is "self abuse" to say "I am fat" when clearly we are?!? My WORTH doesn't lie in the number on the scale or the size of my clothes, but my self esteem is damaged by it and by the way that we as a society shame those who are overweight. Shaming doesn't make those who are overweight lose weight by the way, it makes them eat their emotions. We are already ashamed, we are already eating our pain, the rejection, the judgemental stares....we already self medicate with food. It really isn't necessary to ADD to it.
When a friend or family member says "I'm fat and ugly" then why not respond with "you are beautiful, if you don't like your weight, change it". Now granted there are always going to be those who aren't really ready to change it. They usually will make an excuse as to why they can't lose weight. I struggle with it, it is harder because of my health conditions, but I'm still doing it....slowly and with LOTS of set backs, but I'm doing it. Not for you, not for "them" but for ME. So I can FEEL pretty, so I can feel like I stand out for reasons other than how heavy I am, so I can feel like the stares are for good reasons not my weight, so when I go out with my husband I don't feel like people are wondering why he is with someone so fat.
As women we need to encourage each other, not compete with each other. As women we need to hold our friendships close, and welcome those who seek friendship. We need to offer support in all our endeavors and openly receive it from others. We do not have to "go it alone", we do not have to be "super woman", it is ok to say "I fail" and "I'm flawed", most importantly it is ok to say "I need help".
"Imperfection is beautiful and beauty is imperfect....be beautiful today"~Me
"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch"~Anonymous
7 weeks ago, I went back to my Weight Watchers meeting. Although I had managed to lose and keep off 12 pounds from last summer, when I was at my heaviest weight, the scale wasn't moving in the downward direction overall. I was dieting, counting calories, making sure they were healthy calories and getting regular exercise. As a matter of fact I was doing an hour and a half of cardio and a half hour of strengthening exercises 3-5 days a week....with no real success. I was discouraged, depressed and ashamed of my "failures". I felt hugely fat and disgusting. I HATED what I saw in the mirror. So it was time to step back, and get back on track with Weight Watchers as my guide.
My doctor also told me he wanted me to be completely Gluten Free for the next two months. Great, so now what am I going to eat on Weight Watchers?!? Well it has made me really think more about what I eat, I snack less, and I have consistently lost weight EVERY week. (This week when I weigh in on Thursday, it will be my 7th week) I know there will probably come a point where being gluten free doesn't necessarily help with weight loss but at this point it is because there are a lot of things in my house that are "off limits" due to my dietary restrictions. When I see my Doctor later this month we will determine if being gluten free is the way I have to eat now. If it is, I don't think it will be too hard. I just have to keep options for myself in the house, check the nutritional content when I go to a restaurant etc.
So here we are, 6 full weeks at WW under my belt again and I am down 6 pounds. Although I haven't shrunk a size yet, nor have I seen a difference in my face and body, I FEEL better knowing that I'm doing something that will work long term. I have done it before, I can do it again. Yes, it will be harder this time. I am older (by 4 years) than I was when I lost all that weight for our wedding on WW, I started heavier than I did last time (by 5 pounds....though my HEAVIEST was summer 2011 and I managed to lose 12 pounds on my own...so I consider myself as starting 17 pounds heavier), I am down an internal organ....which mind you, they tell you your gallbladder isn't "necessary" but I ate BETTER and got MORE exercise than I did before it was out and I gained 40 pounds in about 2 months...so yeah. I know it won't be easy, but don't I owe it to myself to get healthy, feel good about myself and set an example for my kids? I think so.
As women we are always telling our friends and family, "your worth doesn't lie in a number on a scale or the size of your pants" and we always say "oh you aren't fat"...and then we turn around and belittle ourselves. Yes, my family and friends think I'm pretty....no I don't feel pretty. It doesn't mean that I'm not, it is just that I don't FEEL my best. It isn't putting myself down to say I'm fat, I'm admitting the truth. To an addict we say, "the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem", why do we insist that it is "self abuse" to say "I am fat" when clearly we are?!? My WORTH doesn't lie in the number on the scale or the size of my clothes, but my self esteem is damaged by it and by the way that we as a society shame those who are overweight. Shaming doesn't make those who are overweight lose weight by the way, it makes them eat their emotions. We are already ashamed, we are already eating our pain, the rejection, the judgemental stares....we already self medicate with food. It really isn't necessary to ADD to it.
When a friend or family member says "I'm fat and ugly" then why not respond with "you are beautiful, if you don't like your weight, change it". Now granted there are always going to be those who aren't really ready to change it. They usually will make an excuse as to why they can't lose weight. I struggle with it, it is harder because of my health conditions, but I'm still doing it....slowly and with LOTS of set backs, but I'm doing it. Not for you, not for "them" but for ME. So I can FEEL pretty, so I can feel like I stand out for reasons other than how heavy I am, so I can feel like the stares are for good reasons not my weight, so when I go out with my husband I don't feel like people are wondering why he is with someone so fat.
As women we need to encourage each other, not compete with each other. As women we need to hold our friendships close, and welcome those who seek friendship. We need to offer support in all our endeavors and openly receive it from others. We do not have to "go it alone", we do not have to be "super woman", it is ok to say "I fail" and "I'm flawed", most importantly it is ok to say "I need help".
"Imperfection is beautiful and beauty is imperfect....be beautiful today"~Me
"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch"~Anonymous
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