It is pretty much given. We have all heard it a dozen times. We KNOW it in our heads and try to apply it in our lives, but until that moment that it 'clicks' we just can't seem to find success. After struggling quite a bit and starting to feel sorry for myself (which in turn creates my moments of silence with this blog of mine) I decided that I was done. My health doesn't allow me to do as much as I want to, but not pushing myself to do SOMETHING is simply making matters worse. I have tried to see if my issue is gluten, which going gluten free seemed to help my digestion and some of my arthritic issues, but it is far too expensive and restrictive for me to stick to long term....and lets face it, I BAKE as therapy. So I decided to keep myself at "gluten light", in that I am careful to not eat a LOT of wheat...and that seems to help.
A lot of people I know are on various "diets" that involve special shakes or drinks and though I am genuinely happy for them with their success, it gets very difficult to deal with the constant pleas from them to start drinking the shakes they drink. Let's face it, all plans like that are basically the same. A vitamin and protein rich flavored powder is mixed with water/soy milk/ fat free milk/yogurt and ice or frozen fruits or veggies etc. All those plans mean for you to replace 2 meals a day with their shakes. It isn't that these plans don't work...they do. You WILL lose weight. The hard part is sticking to the diet long term AND keeping the weight off. MOST people will return to their "normal" eating habits once they are off the program. And if they never go off the program, they still have to "maintain" with at least one of these shakes every day. VERY costly at the end of it all because you are still shopping for regular food....especially if you have a house full of people who don't eat the way you do....like I do!
THEN you have the "special foods" diets. These programs have you eat pre-measured, pre-packaged or delivered foods. The problem I find with these diets is also that once you stop eating what they give you, once you go out to eat, or you start eating on your own, you will gain weight. This is because you never really learned how to handle regular every day life and interactions with others and food.
And then you have things that are exercise focused. Exercise is crucial, exercise is necessary to losing weight. HOWEVER, specific programs and workouts are not better than others necessarily. Joining a fitness club, camp, attending a seminar on fitness, boot camps, fitness classes are all great ways to get in some daily exercise to help get you toned and burn fat. But NOT doing those isn't going to make me or anyone else UNsuccessful. The goal is to burn more calories than you consume every day.....THAT is how you lose weight.
At the end of the day it is about Calories in VS Calories out. That is all. Granted, eating junk and stuffing your face and then working out to a point of exhaustion to make up your poor choices isn't good for you either, but paying attention to the nutritional content of the foods you eat, AND being sure that you burn around 500 calories a day MORE than you eat in a day, is the best way to lose the healthy 1 pound a week.
I appreciate the encouragement from friends and family who are on a weight loss and fitness journey as well. They understand and can relate to some of my struggles. However, what gets very aggravating is all the "advice" about getting my head right, and that it isn't about being "skinny" (which I never said it was to begin with), or that I just need to focus on being "healthy" and that somehow all these people are now "experts" just because they learned something new. It is aggravating because all of these people have STRUGGLED too....with the same self esteem issues, they have all put their self worth into their appearance....I know them all well and have known them most of my life, I have seen it first hand in their lives. I know the intent is to be helpful, and to encourage, and to "save" me the struggles they have encountered...but the thing is that nothing is really changed for some of them. They STILL put their worth into their appearance and the only reason why they don't feel like they do is because they are starting to LIKE what they see in the mirror. I am genuinely happy for their successes, and I appreciate the sharing of things they learned recently or along their own journey....they just shouldn't talk to me like I don't know what I am doing. I KNOW how to lose the weight, I KNOW how to get healthy....my entire childhood was spent being active and eating healthy. Not focusing on my weight and losing it, simply focusing on my "insides" never helped me with the weight loss, it actually facilitated my weight gain.
cardio and 30 minutes to an hour of strength and toning then I am going to eat closer to 1400-1500 calories that day. I try to have a deficit of no less than 500.
Ask any fitness guru (personally I like Jillian Michaels) and they will tell you, it is about calories in vs calories out. I hope all my friends and family find long lasting, forever success in their endeavors to get healthy and to lose some unhealthy weight. But I am done with gimmicks, fads, special drinks, pre-packaged foods or weight loss pills. And I am NOT into deprivation when it comes to food either. If I completely cut out something then I feel deprived and I just eat a ton of it later. Instead, I'm going to do what I learned in the ONLY program I have ever seen TRULY educate and correct a relationship with food. Good food in and burn more calories than I eat. :)
Good luck everyone.....sorry if I offended anyone, it isn't my intent. Just being honest and open...it is great that programs are so far working for each of you, I am just done with "fad" products.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Saturday, June 23, 2012
A lesson to be learned...
Today's blog is about lessons. Sometimes the road we set out on to find ourselves, get healthy, change a bad habit, be happier, live a more fulfilling life (whatever your goals are) turns out to be different than the one we end up on. We have to learn to be flexible to those changes in that road that lead us down a different path.
I set out on this journey with the goal of a half marathon this year. Clearly my health and my doctors had a different plan for me. So my path changed. I still plan on completing a half marathon, it just probably won't be this year. My goal this year is now to get healthy once and for all, to better my mindset and to get myself ready for that OTHER journey...to complete the half marathon. :)
This entry is also about being patient. I have learned in my life that nothing happens immediately, that we have to be patient for the changes to happen. At the same time though, we have to learn to be patient with ourselves. We will fail now and then, and though we FEEL like a failure we have to view these moments as character shaping obstacles, whittling away the rough edges and smoothing us out to "perfection". It takes us time to reform good habits, to let go of the pain and regret, to look to the future and recognize the beauty in our personal triumphs.
You have to learn to be your own advocate, to fight for what your body needs, to look at your life and try new things to figure out what is going on in yourself that could aid in your success. Learning to step outside of your comfort zone can open a whole new world you didn't know existed. It opens your heart, your eyes and your mind to the possibilities and a whole new adventure.
To get away from medications I have taken my health into my own hands. Now don't get me wrong, I am still seeing my doctors, I still take certain medications (for now anyway) but I'm changing my relationship with wheat in particular. After much consideration and reading I have decided to try to go gluten-free. This isn't for everyone, as a matter of fact no one else in my family (at this juncture) is doing this with me. Wheat is a known contributor to inflammation in the body and having arthritis in most of my body (including my spine, feet, shoulders, elbows and hands) reducing my wheat intake, as I did at the start of the year, greatly benefits me. In addition to this fact, gluten can also contribute to headaches, bloating, constipation, diarrhea, dry skin, skin rashes, increased fatigue and weight loss/weight gain. I had watched a program that was talking about Celiac's and gluten sensitivities and suddenly it all made sense. This could very well be what is making me sick. So I have embarked on this NEW journey of going gluten free, in the hopes that it might be the "simple" solution for my health to get back on track.
My path has taken a turn, but the ultimate goal still remains the same. To find "me" in the middle of all this. To "fix' the areas of my life I want to fix. To be the best "me" I can, the healthiest, the happiest I can possibly be. I am learning to be patient, to be honest, to be flexible when the journey changes or I have a detour.
I set out on this journey with the goal of a half marathon this year. Clearly my health and my doctors had a different plan for me. So my path changed. I still plan on completing a half marathon, it just probably won't be this year. My goal this year is now to get healthy once and for all, to better my mindset and to get myself ready for that OTHER journey...to complete the half marathon. :)
This entry is also about being patient. I have learned in my life that nothing happens immediately, that we have to be patient for the changes to happen. At the same time though, we have to learn to be patient with ourselves. We will fail now and then, and though we FEEL like a failure we have to view these moments as character shaping obstacles, whittling away the rough edges and smoothing us out to "perfection". It takes us time to reform good habits, to let go of the pain and regret, to look to the future and recognize the beauty in our personal triumphs.
You have to learn to be your own advocate, to fight for what your body needs, to look at your life and try new things to figure out what is going on in yourself that could aid in your success. Learning to step outside of your comfort zone can open a whole new world you didn't know existed. It opens your heart, your eyes and your mind to the possibilities and a whole new adventure.
To get away from medications I have taken my health into my own hands. Now don't get me wrong, I am still seeing my doctors, I still take certain medications (for now anyway) but I'm changing my relationship with wheat in particular. After much consideration and reading I have decided to try to go gluten-free. This isn't for everyone, as a matter of fact no one else in my family (at this juncture) is doing this with me. Wheat is a known contributor to inflammation in the body and having arthritis in most of my body (including my spine, feet, shoulders, elbows and hands) reducing my wheat intake, as I did at the start of the year, greatly benefits me. In addition to this fact, gluten can also contribute to headaches, bloating, constipation, diarrhea, dry skin, skin rashes, increased fatigue and weight loss/weight gain. I had watched a program that was talking about Celiac's and gluten sensitivities and suddenly it all made sense. This could very well be what is making me sick. So I have embarked on this NEW journey of going gluten free, in the hopes that it might be the "simple" solution for my health to get back on track.
My path has taken a turn, but the ultimate goal still remains the same. To find "me" in the middle of all this. To "fix' the areas of my life I want to fix. To be the best "me" I can, the healthiest, the happiest I can possibly be. I am learning to be patient, to be honest, to be flexible when the journey changes or I have a detour.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Getting back on waggon....when failure seems inevitable
This has been a long time coming. I have been gone from my blog, I would like to say because of various life circumstances, but that would not be entirely true. Yes, it is true that I have had some health issues, resulting in limited ability to do much, but the truth is that I managed to get out to class. My health didn't allow for any movement....so exercise was out. The REAL reason why I have been absent from my blog though is because I didn't want to be honest and forthcoming with how much of a failure I feel like I am. I have gained and lost the same 8 pounds over and over again. We all have those times I know...but it is hard to feel motivated and like you can and will succeed when no matter what you seem to do you can't lose much weight.
I feel like I failed. I feel like I'm powerless. It isn't that I over eat exactly. I eat 3 times a day...if that. The issue for me is that I have fallen into that terrible cycle that so many of us fall into. That circle of depression-guilt-motivation-failure-guilt-depression.....and on and on and on. So obviously I just end up feeling like what is the point? All the books and articles I read about PCOS basically say that weight is an issue for us all. So I end up feeling like I might as well get used to be fat and feeling hideous for the rest of my life....love the skin you are in....or in my case just deal with it. I don't want to just "deal with it". I don't want to just "accept it". How can I be content with feeling ugly and disgusting because of the "skin" I'm in?
It is a dilemma so many of us find ourselves in. We want to feel secure and happy with the person we are, and to accept our bodies are merely vessels and not WHO we are. But the honest truth of it all is that the outside appearance does matter. We judge ourselves by it....and as much as we don't want to admit it, others judge us by it too. Studies have been done, where they take a group of people, of all shapes and sizes and then they state what their first impressions are on the other people. Regardless of if a person is overweight or thin, they listed the thin people as "attractive, active, successful, energetic.....etc" and they listed the overweight people as "unattractive, lazy, failures, unmotivated....etc". Forget the fact that some of them were overweight themselves. I know many people who are very active and yet are a little overweight.
We all have things we don't succeed at....the hardest part is that when you are struggling with your weight EVERYONE sees your failures. As if it isn't hard enough to deal with your failures on your own, in your own head and heart....everyone else can see that you are losing the battle, and you can feel their scrutiny. I hate it when people who either don't have a weight issue or who are ok with their size tell you that people judging you is all in your head or to just not worry what others think. Try living every day with people inspecting you, judging you, giving you funny looks, and whispering. You hear whispering....you see them looking at you and laughing....they aren't as discreet as they think they are. It hurts, it is hard to deal with...but those who are overweight are supposed to just smile, laugh it off and move on. We are supposed to act like it doesn't hurt. But the honest truth is we are shunned, mocked and judged.
I hate that though. Society goes to great lengths to shame you for struggling with your weight, for having medical conditions that make you gain weight or make it difficult to lose weight. You are shamed for being depressed and told to just suck it up, get over and be happy, just "lose weight". They tell you that when you really want it you will go for it....it isn't always about wanting it bad enough, it is also about having support to do it, the tools to do it, the strength to do it. I have the support, the will, the desire, the tools....I think I just don't have the strength to fight anymore with the failure looming over me. Maybe that is the issue, I expect to fail now because all I have done is fail even though I have tried and worked for it with no success.
It is so hard not to feel like "maybe I should just stop eating altogether" because I know that won't work either.....nothing seems to. I can eat 1500 calories or I can eat 800 in a day... I gain and lose the same 8 pounds. I can cut out bread, or sugar, or soda pop, or meat.....I lose and gain the same 8 pounds. I can exercise, or not....I seem to gain and lose the same 8 pounds. But every time I feel completely defeated, and I want to give up...and just accept that I'm not ever going to be beautiful and thin again, I do a 180 and suddenly feel like "I can do this" and I dive head first again.
It is a never ending circle. I want to get off the cycle....I'm trying....but it is hard to remain motivated when you constantly feel like a failure.
I feel like I failed. I feel like I'm powerless. It isn't that I over eat exactly. I eat 3 times a day...if that. The issue for me is that I have fallen into that terrible cycle that so many of us fall into. That circle of depression-guilt-motivation-failure-guilt-depression.....and on and on and on. So obviously I just end up feeling like what is the point? All the books and articles I read about PCOS basically say that weight is an issue for us all. So I end up feeling like I might as well get used to be fat and feeling hideous for the rest of my life....love the skin you are in....or in my case just deal with it. I don't want to just "deal with it". I don't want to just "accept it". How can I be content with feeling ugly and disgusting because of the "skin" I'm in?
It is a dilemma so many of us find ourselves in. We want to feel secure and happy with the person we are, and to accept our bodies are merely vessels and not WHO we are. But the honest truth of it all is that the outside appearance does matter. We judge ourselves by it....and as much as we don't want to admit it, others judge us by it too. Studies have been done, where they take a group of people, of all shapes and sizes and then they state what their first impressions are on the other people. Regardless of if a person is overweight or thin, they listed the thin people as "attractive, active, successful, energetic.....etc" and they listed the overweight people as "unattractive, lazy, failures, unmotivated....etc". Forget the fact that some of them were overweight themselves. I know many people who are very active and yet are a little overweight.
We all have things we don't succeed at....the hardest part is that when you are struggling with your weight EVERYONE sees your failures. As if it isn't hard enough to deal with your failures on your own, in your own head and heart....everyone else can see that you are losing the battle, and you can feel their scrutiny. I hate it when people who either don't have a weight issue or who are ok with their size tell you that people judging you is all in your head or to just not worry what others think. Try living every day with people inspecting you, judging you, giving you funny looks, and whispering. You hear whispering....you see them looking at you and laughing....they aren't as discreet as they think they are. It hurts, it is hard to deal with...but those who are overweight are supposed to just smile, laugh it off and move on. We are supposed to act like it doesn't hurt. But the honest truth is we are shunned, mocked and judged.
I hate that though. Society goes to great lengths to shame you for struggling with your weight, for having medical conditions that make you gain weight or make it difficult to lose weight. You are shamed for being depressed and told to just suck it up, get over and be happy, just "lose weight". They tell you that when you really want it you will go for it....it isn't always about wanting it bad enough, it is also about having support to do it, the tools to do it, the strength to do it. I have the support, the will, the desire, the tools....I think I just don't have the strength to fight anymore with the failure looming over me. Maybe that is the issue, I expect to fail now because all I have done is fail even though I have tried and worked for it with no success.
It is so hard not to feel like "maybe I should just stop eating altogether" because I know that won't work either.....nothing seems to. I can eat 1500 calories or I can eat 800 in a day... I gain and lose the same 8 pounds. I can cut out bread, or sugar, or soda pop, or meat.....I lose and gain the same 8 pounds. I can exercise, or not....I seem to gain and lose the same 8 pounds. But every time I feel completely defeated, and I want to give up...and just accept that I'm not ever going to be beautiful and thin again, I do a 180 and suddenly feel like "I can do this" and I dive head first again.
It is a never ending circle. I want to get off the cycle....I'm trying....but it is hard to remain motivated when you constantly feel like a failure.
Monday, April 30, 2012
The disconnect.....
We all have that disconnect between the self we see, the self others perceive and the self we feel. Sometimes the difference is truly great and it seems an impossible feat to find the middle ground and the way to see and show the self we feel. For some people, looking in the mirror is easy, for others it is torture. There are some people to begin to find every single flaw and pick it all apart. For those people, getting dressed, doing their hair, putting on make up all feel like a pointless endeavor. It doesn't mean that they don't try, but they do feel like it is not going to help. These people are often the last ones you might expect.
My disconnect is quite large. The self I feel inside is not exactly the self I allow the rest of the world to see. It isn't just about size, though I will admit that is a part of it. Those of us who have not always had an issue with weight have a large disconnect between the "us" we feel and the "us" in the mirror. The issue for me in this regard is that I see one thing, others see another, and the mirror shows another. :( My point isn't to be "down" on myself, or to fish for compliments...it just honestly is how I see myself.
My friends will tell me I'm pretty and I'm talented, but it is much different when my husband says it. It is a different matter altogether when you look in the mirror and think "My goodness what are they smoking?!?" It sounds funny, I know...but I just don't see myself as pretty. Now I don't see myself as ugly per se, but I certainly don't think I'm anything special in the appearance department. When I look in the mirror I see someone who is plain, ordinary and overweight...I just assume at that point that the people who tell me otherwise are just trying to make me feel better, but that it isn't really true.
I say this because my blog is about being honest with myself...and "you"...with the harsh reality of what goes on in the mind of someone who is struggling with something....and trying to find themselves again. We ALL feel this way about ourselves, at one point or another in the least. We are ALL a work in progress and we are ALL learning what our strengths and weaknesses are. One of my weaknesses is certainly my self esteem. (As I established in my very first post!) When I "fail" or have a "set back" on the scale, I feel it...not just in the sense that I feel like I let myself down, not just in the way that I feel ashamed at the failure. When I "fail" I beat myself up. That voice in my head tells me that I will never gain control, I will be fat and disgusting and ugly forever, and that eventually everyone I love will realize this about me too. True or not, it is how my "inner voice" works. I emotionally abuse myself to the point that I feel that eating is pointless....and the depression sets in.
Emotional abuse is painful when inflicted upon you by someone you love, but I think it does far more damage when you do it to yourself. The words are not spoken out of hurt or anger, they are "spoken" out of shame and guilt of failure....a double edged sword that cuts deeply into your inner psyche. It is a cycle of self destruction that I have been battling most of my adult life. It is a war I am determined to not lose. I honestly believe that realizing the cycle and it's detriment is the first step to overcoming the pattern.
My goal is to find the little successes in my life and in myself. I want to find joy in that. I want to encourage others to not let the evil voice inside them tell them they aren't worthy of love. Don't wait to be "perfect" in your own eyes, you could already be perfect for someone else.
It is about loving yourself, in spite of all your flaws...those around you already do.
It is about finding beauty in yourself when the disconnect feels too great to do so.
It is about overcoming the obstacles we place in front of ourselves.
It is about proving to OURSELVES that WE are wrong about us...not about proving others right.
My disconnect is quite large. The self I feel inside is not exactly the self I allow the rest of the world to see. It isn't just about size, though I will admit that is a part of it. Those of us who have not always had an issue with weight have a large disconnect between the "us" we feel and the "us" in the mirror. The issue for me in this regard is that I see one thing, others see another, and the mirror shows another. :( My point isn't to be "down" on myself, or to fish for compliments...it just honestly is how I see myself.
My friends will tell me I'm pretty and I'm talented, but it is much different when my husband says it. It is a different matter altogether when you look in the mirror and think "My goodness what are they smoking?!?" It sounds funny, I know...but I just don't see myself as pretty. Now I don't see myself as ugly per se, but I certainly don't think I'm anything special in the appearance department. When I look in the mirror I see someone who is plain, ordinary and overweight...I just assume at that point that the people who tell me otherwise are just trying to make me feel better, but that it isn't really true.
I say this because my blog is about being honest with myself...and "you"...with the harsh reality of what goes on in the mind of someone who is struggling with something....and trying to find themselves again. We ALL feel this way about ourselves, at one point or another in the least. We are ALL a work in progress and we are ALL learning what our strengths and weaknesses are. One of my weaknesses is certainly my self esteem. (As I established in my very first post!) When I "fail" or have a "set back" on the scale, I feel it...not just in the sense that I feel like I let myself down, not just in the way that I feel ashamed at the failure. When I "fail" I beat myself up. That voice in my head tells me that I will never gain control, I will be fat and disgusting and ugly forever, and that eventually everyone I love will realize this about me too. True or not, it is how my "inner voice" works. I emotionally abuse myself to the point that I feel that eating is pointless....and the depression sets in.
Emotional abuse is painful when inflicted upon you by someone you love, but I think it does far more damage when you do it to yourself. The words are not spoken out of hurt or anger, they are "spoken" out of shame and guilt of failure....a double edged sword that cuts deeply into your inner psyche. It is a cycle of self destruction that I have been battling most of my adult life. It is a war I am determined to not lose. I honestly believe that realizing the cycle and it's detriment is the first step to overcoming the pattern.
My goal is to find the little successes in my life and in myself. I want to find joy in that. I want to encourage others to not let the evil voice inside them tell them they aren't worthy of love. Don't wait to be "perfect" in your own eyes, you could already be perfect for someone else.
It is about loving yourself, in spite of all your flaws...those around you already do.
It is about finding beauty in yourself when the disconnect feels too great to do so.
It is about overcoming the obstacles we place in front of ourselves.
It is about proving to OURSELVES that WE are wrong about us...not about proving others right.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Just keep going....
The last couple weeks have been really challenging for me. They put me on medications and I had TERRIBLE side effects. I was moody (read depressed and irritable), gained 6 pounds within the first week of being on the medications (even though I was still watching very closely what I was eating and making sure to eat the RIGHT foods not just the right calories), getting 30 minutes of exercise every day etc. I also had several other ones that honestly are just way beyond TMI...so I'm sparing you the details. Needless to say after 2 weeks of this I took myself off of the one medication that was causing the issue. Now my body is trying to catch back up and lose what I gained.
I'm not giving up, but I think my goals have changed a bit. While I want to complete a half marathon or even just a 5k this year, I'm not sure that I will be able to realize that goal this year. It might have to be what I start off my new year with.....but I guess we will have to see how the rest of the spring and the summer go. My back has been giving me issues as well as some of my other medical issues, so I have had to focus a bit more on those things than on others. My first priority MUST be my health and being safe about anything that I do in order to get healthy. I just can't push my body too hard some days. The weather has certainly made remaining mobile a bit difficult. As it rains and the temperature goes back and forth between chilly and warm, my joints get stiff and ache pretty badly....so some days I just rejoice in the fact that I can at least somewhat move. The arthritis will do that to me for the rest of my life so I might as well get used to it. Right? :)
The important part of all of this......of this whole journey....is to just KEEP going. I have to keep my goals in mind, try to stay positive and to not give up, no matter what my body throws at me, no matter what medications do to my body or how they set me back, no matter what anyone else says about me, about my methods (although it is important to note that I am under the direction of 3 different doctors), my progress or my attitude.
It is difficult, for all of us, to feel beautiful when the world tells us we aren't. For a "plus sized" woman it is difficult to feel pretty and often we feel like others are judging us because of the way that "fat" people are portrayed in the media, talked about in magazines or on TV, the way that clothing designers don't make clothing to fit us properly and because of the way that others look at us. Just because we are "working" on losing weight (or even for those who aren't) doesn't mean we can't feel beautiful in clothing that fits us. Why wait until I'm at a healthier weight just to feel good about myself? Isn't it time we encourage each other to feel our best regardless of size?!?
I guess my only option is to just keep going......just keep going.... two steps forward and one step back, it is still a forward motion....no matter how long it takes to get there.
I'm not giving up, but I think my goals have changed a bit. While I want to complete a half marathon or even just a 5k this year, I'm not sure that I will be able to realize that goal this year. It might have to be what I start off my new year with.....but I guess we will have to see how the rest of the spring and the summer go. My back has been giving me issues as well as some of my other medical issues, so I have had to focus a bit more on those things than on others. My first priority MUST be my health and being safe about anything that I do in order to get healthy. I just can't push my body too hard some days. The weather has certainly made remaining mobile a bit difficult. As it rains and the temperature goes back and forth between chilly and warm, my joints get stiff and ache pretty badly....so some days I just rejoice in the fact that I can at least somewhat move. The arthritis will do that to me for the rest of my life so I might as well get used to it. Right? :)
The important part of all of this......of this whole journey....is to just KEEP going. I have to keep my goals in mind, try to stay positive and to not give up, no matter what my body throws at me, no matter what medications do to my body or how they set me back, no matter what anyone else says about me, about my methods (although it is important to note that I am under the direction of 3 different doctors), my progress or my attitude.
It is difficult, for all of us, to feel beautiful when the world tells us we aren't. For a "plus sized" woman it is difficult to feel pretty and often we feel like others are judging us because of the way that "fat" people are portrayed in the media, talked about in magazines or on TV, the way that clothing designers don't make clothing to fit us properly and because of the way that others look at us. Just because we are "working" on losing weight (or even for those who aren't) doesn't mean we can't feel beautiful in clothing that fits us. Why wait until I'm at a healthier weight just to feel good about myself? Isn't it time we encourage each other to feel our best regardless of size?!?
I guess my only option is to just keep going......just keep going.... two steps forward and one step back, it is still a forward motion....no matter how long it takes to get there.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Going about it all wrong....
So, I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) last week. I started doing some research immediate and found that there were things I didn't know about the condition. There are a lot of things still unknown about it, but most people when they hear "PCOS" think: Fat bearded women. While it is true that many women with PCOS suffer from higher levels of androgens (Male hormones such as testosterone) which can cause increased hair growth, not everyone does.
PCOS affects women differently. Some women have more severe symptoms while others don't. While I don't suffer from infertility (I have 2 kids as it is) many women do. PCOS affects my cycle and it isn't uncommon for me to skip it, but my estrogen levels are still within a "normal" range. I do have some body hair, but I don't have it to the degree that some women do. I don't shave my chin, or my chest...but I have hairier arms than most women and have had issues in the past with some thinning of my hair on my head.
When I got my diagnosis I immediately thought I was doomed to be fat forever. I was depressed and discouraged. I guess to a point I feel that way even right now. I know the cards aren't exactly stacked in my favor but I can't give up...right?
So the research began. I got a book on managing PCOS the natural way with diet and exercise. One of the things that brought me some hope on losing the weight is that it says that if you have PCOS then you have always had it. Interesting....because I haven't always been overweight. I went through my teen years quite thin actually, and started gaining weight when I was 19. I realized in reading the book's information on the history and the scientific information on PCOS, that my issues started when I stopped being as active as I was before.
You see, PCOS greatly affects one's insulin resistance and sensitivity levels. I have always thought that what I needed to do was reduce my calories. The truth is that while to a point that is true, there are things that I have to worry about that are much more important. Carbs and sugar. You see, I keep track of everything I eat every day. I eat about 1200-1300 calories a day. I eat lots of fruit and vegetables. I do NOT eat breads, grains or dairy. I found in reading the book that this is actually WRONG for me. I NEED those foods to lose weight, I just have to eat them in the right forms and in the right amounts. For me, cutting out bread or carbs in general isn't the answer....eating a lean protein, with the right carbs, several times a day.
Basically, I have been going about dieting all wrong. I have to eat a certain way due to my condition...a "special diet" is kinda needed...but life doesn't have to be so restrictive in order to get a handle on my weight and my health.
So....today I did 30 minutes on my stationary bike today.....my calf muscle did ok for it! YAY
I have managed to keep the carbohydrates down to the recommended daily amount for PCOS women with insulin resistance. And I have NOT been hungry all day! :) YAY!
A good dose of PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) and that eureka moment in reading the book has me motivated to keep educating myself and being proactive on my journey. :)
A lot of people lose weight to look good.....and while I want to look my best, I'm doing it for my health and for my life... I'm doing it for me.
PCOS affects women differently. Some women have more severe symptoms while others don't. While I don't suffer from infertility (I have 2 kids as it is) many women do. PCOS affects my cycle and it isn't uncommon for me to skip it, but my estrogen levels are still within a "normal" range. I do have some body hair, but I don't have it to the degree that some women do. I don't shave my chin, or my chest...but I have hairier arms than most women and have had issues in the past with some thinning of my hair on my head.
When I got my diagnosis I immediately thought I was doomed to be fat forever. I was depressed and discouraged. I guess to a point I feel that way even right now. I know the cards aren't exactly stacked in my favor but I can't give up...right?
So the research began. I got a book on managing PCOS the natural way with diet and exercise. One of the things that brought me some hope on losing the weight is that it says that if you have PCOS then you have always had it. Interesting....because I haven't always been overweight. I went through my teen years quite thin actually, and started gaining weight when I was 19. I realized in reading the book's information on the history and the scientific information on PCOS, that my issues started when I stopped being as active as I was before.
You see, PCOS greatly affects one's insulin resistance and sensitivity levels. I have always thought that what I needed to do was reduce my calories. The truth is that while to a point that is true, there are things that I have to worry about that are much more important. Carbs and sugar. You see, I keep track of everything I eat every day. I eat about 1200-1300 calories a day. I eat lots of fruit and vegetables. I do NOT eat breads, grains or dairy. I found in reading the book that this is actually WRONG for me. I NEED those foods to lose weight, I just have to eat them in the right forms and in the right amounts. For me, cutting out bread or carbs in general isn't the answer....eating a lean protein, with the right carbs, several times a day.
Basically, I have been going about dieting all wrong. I have to eat a certain way due to my condition...a "special diet" is kinda needed...but life doesn't have to be so restrictive in order to get a handle on my weight and my health.
So....today I did 30 minutes on my stationary bike today.....my calf muscle did ok for it! YAY
I have managed to keep the carbohydrates down to the recommended daily amount for PCOS women with insulin resistance. And I have NOT been hungry all day! :) YAY!
A good dose of PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) and that eureka moment in reading the book has me motivated to keep educating myself and being proactive on my journey. :)
A lot of people lose weight to look good.....and while I want to look my best, I'm doing it for my health and for my life... I'm doing it for me.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
The hits just keep coming.....
I tore my calf muscle the week after joining our local rec center so I could swim.....no exercising. I was on crutches for a couple days and it was NOT an easy feat with all the stairs in my house. I ended up not using them at home, but kept my calf wrapped and have managed to improve to a point of being able to walk (rather well) now... I'm slow but I walk. :)
Tuesday I got a diagnosis that we suspected for years, but doctors had gone back and forth on. One doctor would say I had it, then another would say there was no indication that I had it. SIGH So after seeing my Gynecologist Tuesday for a follow up on some tests they did to try to find the source of all my pain I have been told that I have PCOS. Which means the pain I have been having, along with the weight gain, difficulty losing weight and several other symptoms, are all due to the PCOS. The doctor has put me on a couple of different treatments including hormone therapy (which is essentially birth control that regulates the hormone levels in my body) as well as a diabetes medication to help my body process insulin. Insulin issues are VERY common in women with PCOS and though I don't currently have diabetes, my risks of getting it are pretty high. It runs in my family, I'm overweight, and I have PCOS and already deal with blood sugar and insulin issues. FUN.
While happy to have a diagnosis, and relieved that I don't have cancer in my ovaries, I'm left wondering if I'm just never going to be able to get all these issues under control. The hormone therapy they put me on, being birth control, commonly causes weight gain. SIGH. So here we go again, another set of odd stacked against me. It isn't that I feel sorry for myself, it just starts to feel like maybe I should just get used to being fat, tired and in pain every single day of my life. But at the same time, I feel like that is such a defeatist attitude and I'm certainly NOT a defeatist.
It is hard to wake up every day in terrible pain, the pain meds that the doctors give you helps with the pain, but then you can't really function at full capacity...I can't drive on the narcotic pain meds for example. I guess I just choose every day to suffer through as much as I can manage. I don't like being "drugged" and I don't like missing out on life because of pain or weight. So I smile and just keep going.
I'm doing some research on how to diet when you have PCOS...the weight loss is truly necessary (as I stated in a previous post) because of my back issues. I'm planning on getting back into the pool (hopefully today or tomorrow) and get my body moving. I just have to go slowly as far as walking or cycling goes due to the calf tear. I still have big goals for weight loss and I'm trying to remain optimistic about achieving those goals, I'm just finding it difficult to not feel so defeated right now.
The trick is keeping at it. Right? I might fail, but I'm not going to fail because I didn't try. Not working for it is the only guaranteed way to fail. The hits keep coming but I'm still standing.
Tuesday I got a diagnosis that we suspected for years, but doctors had gone back and forth on. One doctor would say I had it, then another would say there was no indication that I had it. SIGH So after seeing my Gynecologist Tuesday for a follow up on some tests they did to try to find the source of all my pain I have been told that I have PCOS. Which means the pain I have been having, along with the weight gain, difficulty losing weight and several other symptoms, are all due to the PCOS. The doctor has put me on a couple of different treatments including hormone therapy (which is essentially birth control that regulates the hormone levels in my body) as well as a diabetes medication to help my body process insulin. Insulin issues are VERY common in women with PCOS and though I don't currently have diabetes, my risks of getting it are pretty high. It runs in my family, I'm overweight, and I have PCOS and already deal with blood sugar and insulin issues. FUN.
While happy to have a diagnosis, and relieved that I don't have cancer in my ovaries, I'm left wondering if I'm just never going to be able to get all these issues under control. The hormone therapy they put me on, being birth control, commonly causes weight gain. SIGH. So here we go again, another set of odd stacked against me. It isn't that I feel sorry for myself, it just starts to feel like maybe I should just get used to being fat, tired and in pain every single day of my life. But at the same time, I feel like that is such a defeatist attitude and I'm certainly NOT a defeatist.
It is hard to wake up every day in terrible pain, the pain meds that the doctors give you helps with the pain, but then you can't really function at full capacity...I can't drive on the narcotic pain meds for example. I guess I just choose every day to suffer through as much as I can manage. I don't like being "drugged" and I don't like missing out on life because of pain or weight. So I smile and just keep going.
I'm doing some research on how to diet when you have PCOS...the weight loss is truly necessary (as I stated in a previous post) because of my back issues. I'm planning on getting back into the pool (hopefully today or tomorrow) and get my body moving. I just have to go slowly as far as walking or cycling goes due to the calf tear. I still have big goals for weight loss and I'm trying to remain optimistic about achieving those goals, I'm just finding it difficult to not feel so defeated right now.
The trick is keeping at it. Right? I might fail, but I'm not going to fail because I didn't try. Not working for it is the only guaranteed way to fail. The hits keep coming but I'm still standing.
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